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At a Loss

newmom2019's picture

Hi all,

I have been a step mom now for about 2 years to an 8 year old boy. I am currently 4 months pregnant with our first child together. Though I am super excited to be a mom to a little girl, the stress of being a step mom is constant and I feel like I am always angry and depressed. 

My husband and I love each other and get along great, but the weeks we have my SS it seems like we argue all the time over parenting. A lot of it can be described as dramatic, petty things to get mad about (touching the walls and making finger prints after being told repeatedly to stop, not having the best manners at the dinner table, leaving his clothes on the floor, etc), but these are all things that I end up having to take care of and clean and he seems to just not care how many times I tell him. It is like he doesn't feel that he has to listen to me because I am not his BM. 

My SO and his ex have a great relationship- she helps out where she can and vice versa- which is great considering most step parents have a horrible ex to deal with. She tries to tell my SS to listen and treat me as a parent, but I don't think it gets through to him. He is incredible smart, but sometimes not the most mature. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so excited to be having a baby (especially one that will call me mom) but I feel at a loss about my SS. The weeks we have him I don't feel like interacting with him and I just don't feel happy. I want to, I really do, but I don't know what to do to make that happen. To be honest, I don't feel like I love him like I should. Does anyone have this same feeling? Is there any advice you can give me? 


Harry's picture

Disengage from him.  Let DH do all for SS.  You take care of your kid.  Don’t go for the one big Happy Family with including  SS, he will try to ruin.  every thing as his life was ruined by his parents.  Your DH has to parent his kid,  this SS has to respect you, respect you by doing what he is told by you.   It your DH not making his kid respect you is the problem 

Monkeysee's picture

You don't have to love your SS 'like your own', that's BS people buy into because our society thinks SP's should feel that way about skids, and most of us don't.  I have a good relationship with my skids, and I still don't love them like my own, nor will I ever feel that way.

As for him not listening to you, you've got a DH problem. Your DH should be pulling him up when he misbehaves or disrespects you, it's got nothing to do with BM (although it's great she's in your corner).  Your SS isn't listening to you because your DH doesn't see what he's doing as a big deal.

My advice is to disengage & leave all parenting, discipline & anything related to skid to your DH. If he's not going to expect his kid to respect & listen to his wife, then he doesn't get the benefit of you cooking, cleaning, or ferrying SS around to anything.  He can't have it both ways.

One thing I will mention though, what you're describing is pretty normal for kids that age.  My SS's are 6 & 10, and need to be told repeatedly not to do things like that.  It never sinks in.  The number of times DH & I have said to them 'no playing with footballs in the house'... it drives me batty, but they do it anyways.  The difference in my house is if I ask them not to & they do it anyways, they get a strip torn off them by DH, whereas yours seems to just look at you like you're the problem.

You can't control how he parents, but you can control how you respond to it.  So stop helping in anyway regarding SS & focus instead on you & your unborn child.

caligirl510's picture

not ever and are not expected to love your stepchildren, and that is an urelastic expectation