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Omg OSD wants a meeting with SO and BM

Raggles's picture

Was told today that OSD22 wants to have a meeting with SO and her BM to discuss her future wedding plans.
SO let me know immediately she has asked him to do this and he has agreed.

While i have no issue with him doing this i dont understand the need for various reasons.

1. The most concerning one - she is already married!!! Though only myself, SO and SO parents know this!
2. The 'wedding' date is 2 years away
3. I personally can't see why there is a need to have this meeting unless she is expecting them to pay for her future charade.

Will be really interested to see what SO agrees to pay for!!!


hereiam's picture

They are already married but they are having a wedding in 2 years?

Yes, it must be about money.

Seriously, the married couple can pay for their own wedding.

Though only myself, SO and SO parents know this!

BM does not know that her daughter is married? What's up with that? How long have they been married and why is it such a secret? I have so many questions!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

People delay for various reasons... DH and I want a ceremony in the future, but weren't able to initially... We don't know when we're going to be able to, so we just went ahead with our courthouse wedding.

So I'm married but I still see a "wedding day" as in the future... And my parents have already offered to help fund said future endeavor (I think they're mostly just mad they weren't invited to a courthouse wedding... LOL) But to me that is going to be my wedding day... I literally got married in a courthouse and then proceeded to softball and dealing with BM, not the best thing going on.

So it may end up being a kind of "vow renewal." But I know I want to celebrate my marriage with friends and family in the future. So it's possible OSD is feeling the same way. Especially if very few people know about her marriage...

Hopefully SO has the sense to chat to you about the financial obligations (if you guys have any combined finances or anything) but I don't think it would be awful for OSD to get her wedding day either (even if she is technically married already)

hereiam's picture

I get that and know that it happens all of the time, for a variety of reasons.

But is your marriage a secret?

Your parents offered to help fund it but did you call a meeting with them about it?

I don't think her having an actual wedding is awful but why all of the secrecy about being married in the first place?

My SD got married in secret (didn't tell DH, anyway) and there was absolutely an ulterior motive.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I have two friends that only me and a few others know about the marriage. Her parents were against it... So they went ahead and did it and just didn't tell people... They didn't want to deal with all the negatives and rejection... I guess they just weren't ready to face it. (I don't understand that one. Loud and proud. LOL) Maybe it was something on her hubby's side, or BM might have even said something to her... Beats me on their reasoning! I don't see why I'd be married and not be telling everyone I am!

My older sister called a meeting with the parents before her wedding to talk budgeting and planning for hers. Maybe it's her strange way of formally saying she wants them involved?

Idk the whole situation... LMAO

AshMar654's picture

She is 22 and planning a wedding. So yeah sometimes it starts really early and if it something she has always wanted it starts really early. She just might be trying to see if her parents are going to help pay and how much so she has an idea of what type of venues she can look at and what her budget will be. Also knowing how much you can spend will effect the amount of guest you have.

SO and I started about a year out. We went in with out expecting anything from our parents but he is 29 and I am 32 so we are older and way more stable than a 22 year old. We picked a place on what we could afford without help. Both parents have offered.

Suggest to him to just pay for like the food. Just tell him to offer a set amount and that is that. That is what my parents have decided to do for me. I am grateful for it.

Just offering a reason why she is doing it so early. Some places that are affordable and still nice book a year or more out. I hate the whole process but SO wants a wedding.

Willow2010's picture

Your DH is making a giant mistake here I think.

SD is going to put them both on the spot so that they will pony up more money. She knows that if she asked DH or BM on their own, they may say no. But she probably knows that doing it together will make DH and BM feel they need to be more generous since they are in front of each other.

I would have never agreed to this. I would have told my DD that she is more than welcome to come on over and we can talk about it but there is NO reason to have a past family sit down. Nope. I would also be pissed if my DH agreed to this little sit down.

hereiam's picture


Absolutely no reason for a family meeting, other than to ambush them.

Heck, my SD getting married at 18 (which ended CS) was DH's reason to never have to speak to BM again, much less meet with her.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - absolutely this is a set up.

My DD got married in 2014. She was 23. She got engaged in 2013, right after she graduated from college.

There was no "family" sit down with her, Asshat and me. She met with DH and me and we talked about what we were willing to pay for. She talked with Asshat and Money-Ka on the phone and they offered what they were willing to do.

Asshat gave her a huge chunk of money (wedding gift and housewarming gift as they had purchased a home a few months before they got engaged) and that was that.

I didn't even know what Asshat was covering, nor did I ask. Not my business Smile My only concern was the things I offered to pay for.

Raggles's picture

I agree i have no problem with them have a proper wedding, all for it, if thats what the girl wants. However the fact they are already married and it will have been kept a secret for 2 years to the date is what is strange. Even her sisters are unaware.

I get that she wants to discuss things with her parents.

She will not get any money from her BM - bet my life on that.
They will quilt SO to pay for most of it im sure. We have separate finances.

Osd barely has anything to do with BM only saw her twice last year. They do not have a good relationship.

I have already told him i do not want to attend this charade.

mro's picture

Well it's on him then. Separate finances are great. When my DD got married they asked for nothing from me or her dad. I did give them a rather large but not extravagant cash gift (about $1000) to help with expenses because it was what I wanted to do. DH did not contribute ( I didn't expect or want him to) and I don't expect to contribute to his kids' weddings.

WalkOnBy's picture

I kinda feel like married adults should pay for their own wedding, but maybe that's just me?

notasm3's picture

I have no problem with people having lavish parties to celebrate their marriage after the actual date. But I think it is pathetic to have a fake wedding and to pretend like two people are being joined in marriage when they have been married for years. You can still have the dress, cake, flowers, band, vows, but don't try to act like you are getting married.

We gave an elaborate anniversary party for our parents. Had the church, flowers, a luncheon reception, a dinner dance, formal invitations and a Sunday brunch. It was an entire weekend just like a wedding except that my mother did not wear a wedding dress.

DH and I got married at the courthouse. No flowers, no guests. We wore shorts and tshirts. No fuss, no muss. I'd been critically ill (just out of a week in ICU on life support) and just wanted to be married. No way I could have had any kind of a wedding.

DH wanted to plan a big party to celebrate later and even roped in some of my friends to help plan something. It would have been nice - but it was going to cost thousands of dollars and I nixed it. I'd rather spent the money (much less in the end) just taking near and dear ones out to individual nice dinners.

ndc's picture

Wow, OSD is putting your DH into a very awkward position - discussing a wedding when DH, but not BM, knows they're already married. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sounds like your DH will end up footing the bill.

Raggles's picture

SO happy to pretend they arent married
Even bought 'a daughter and her fiance' card for christmas!
I however cannot keep my mouth shut to SO when it comes to this and i am forever being told to drop it!!!

Luckily i dont see Osd that often as each time i do i get the urge to say spmething esp as she believes i dont know about the wedding either!

momjeans's picture

There’s no way, no how I would fund this future wedding, given the fact they are already married, and that it’s just a show pony for attention and monetary gain on their part.

No. Way.

notasm3's picture

A "wedding" years after the marriage is just a big costume party. Having lived in New Orleans for some time - we love any excuse to have a costume party. But don't pretend that this is about two people deciding to make a commitment and plan their lives together. But it can be about two people celebrating their commitment to have a life together.

zerostepdrama's picture


queensway's picture

I must live in a bubble. I have never heard of being married and keeping it a secret and then plan a wedding a year or so later. You are already married why do you need a wedding. The real reason a couple gets married is to be married not have a wedding. What am I missing here?

queensway's picture

I don't understand the secrecy either. But the truth is they are already married. So they have said their vows. This so called wedding is a vow renewal and not a wedding. You say your vows once to be married. I think that tricking people into thinking this is their wedding is going to back fire on them. Why would someone want to start a life together with a LIE.

MoominMama's picture

My first though was 'Money, Money, Money'. They are already married and have kept it secret from a lot of people. Out them. Why should people have to pay towards a 'wedding' when they are already married? Makes no sense to me.

ESMOD's picture

There is only one reason she wants to meet with them together. To figure out how much each of them are going to pay for her wedding. (or her mother has prompted this meeting to tell him "it's his responsibility as the bride's father to pay")

Now, I know people who have had delayed ceremonies. I had a friend who had one because she was heavily pregnant and wanted the "pretty wedding" once she was back down to size. (of course, as things go... she is now divorced)

So, I really see no point in the meeting at all.

First question for your SO is "do you want to give your daughter money for a wedding?" YES or NO.

If Yes: He can call his child and tell her that. I plan on giving you $5,000 for your wedding... you can choose to spend it as you wish... but I don't see any need to meet with your mother.

If No: I am not giving you money for a ceremony so I don't believe I have any say in what you want to do for a ceremony.

That's it. If she wants to know if he would attend a destination wedding or something, no reason to ask in front of his EX.

Besides. He can also say "I couldn't possibly make any commitments without Raggles by my side"... is she invited too?

still learning's picture

I wonder how everyone's going to feel after finding out they've been lied to for two years?

TinyDancer's picture

If this is how they're starting out, will they even be together in two years?

Thumper's picture

Oyyyy veyyyyy

Totally agree with ESMOD offer up an amount dh is willing to pay and that's it.

Hearing stories like this makes me so happy my adult married bio was sensible and humble. I am sure there are several of you too who have decent kids too.

Hard pressed to support in any way the lack of transparency in this wedding debacle. I can tell ya my ex husband would have said FORGET IT your own your own. And he would mean it too. I might offer cost of cake and flowers with a cap on those funds.

I do NOT Like people who withhold information THEN ask people to jump when they want to come clean. We would have called them very shifty 'years ago' Wink

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, my advice to the couple would be to be clear to guests that this is a planned celebration of a wedding that had already occurred. A public affirmation/vow renewal/anniversary celebration... whatever they want to call it, the guests should not feel they are being tricked into gifting as if it were their initial wedding day.

I imagine that much of the reason they want a wedding is to get gifts/money from people.

If "I" were the father, I might suggest that they just have a nice party to celebrate with friends. Whatever they can afford on their own. The white dress is a bit of a farce at this point 2-3 years later!

WalkOnBy's picture

right? I am sure these two live together and have dishes/pots/pans/household stuff, but I guarantee they will have a registry. Gotta keep up the appearance that they're not really married, right?

Money and gift grab.

Ewwww. Ick. So gross.

BethAnne's picture

I am really confused. I don’t understand the reasons for this woman to keep her marriage status secret but equally i don’t understand everyone’s reactions to it.

I don’t know anyone who has a wedding just to get gifts. People have weddings to celebrate with their family and friends. I don’t know anyone who has spent less on a wedding than the value of gifts that they have received. And if I were invited to a belated wedding celebration party (after the official marriage) I would freely choose to spend the same amount as I would on a wedding gift as to me it is the same thing and I didn’t get them something previously. I don’t see any difference when the official ceremony took place. If I went to a wedding but it was announced that the official part had taken place in secret previously then I would be surprised, perhaps confused but I would not feel defrauded or duped. It would still be a nice time to celebrate the couple and the joining of families.

If you don’t want to get someone a wedding gift then don’t get them a wedding gift. I know it is conventional but it is not obligatory.

Raggles's picture

Well i have spoken with SO again tonight and told him i didnt see the need for him to meet with his exw and sd to discuss the 'wedding'
He told me it is what sd wants so she doesnt have to explain it twice! I asked him if sd was aware he is divorced and does she really think it is necessary to do this. His answer was yes its what she wants!

I asked him if he thought it was to discuss contribution to towards the charade and he replied probably.
I told him he needed to decide before the meeting how much he could realistically afford if its what he wanted to do but he must stick to it and not be pressurised into paying more. He replied he would.

SO is not a rich man after 5years post divorce has sorted himself out financially at long last, but all of his dd believe he is a bottomless pit of cash and he is guilted into paying out for things he cant afford.

Hope he sticks to his word.

BethAnne's picture

Sounds like a good chat. If he wants to subject himself to being in bm’s company then that is on him. I would make sure that he should only agree to a monetary amount and not to pay for a particular thing. Or if he does agree to pay for the venue/flowers/dress/whatever that he states upfront what his maximum budget is.

twoviewpoints's picture

Why not facetime? SD can be at either her BM's or her Dad's and facetime the other.

I will assume SD gets everything she wants because, well, it's what SD wants. :sick:

notsobad's picture

“His answer was yes its what she wants“

And as we all know what SD wants, SD gets!

I do hope he sticks to his guns and doesn’t promise her more than he’s able to afford.

Raggles's picture

Well in this instance Sd hasmt

I am all for the BM for once...she refused to go in the end as doesnt feel comfortable being with exh!!!

Sd feels she is unloved because Bm wont go. SO thinks BM selfish b**tch for not putting daughter first
And im doing a happy dance!!!

hereiam's picture

Unloved? Because her mom doesn't want to have a sit down with her ex husband? Give me a break.

Poor baby didn't get what she wanted, after all. And your SO thinks BM is selfish, yet his daughter is secretly married and planning a wedding as if she is not. I mean, from your original post, BM does not even know that her daughter is married, correct?

notsobad's picture

I worked with a girl who’s BIL had married a girl he’d met online from Russia in a quick ceremony.
She was living in the states, he flew down and got married. It took about 3 months to get her into Canada. He’s Russian as well, just raised in Canada.

Everyone knew they were married, they had to be to get her here.

But they felt they’d been ripped off in the gift department by not having a wedding so they planned a big elaborate ceremony. Turned out most of her family couldn’t get visas to come to Canada for the wedding.
So they moved it to Mexico. The Russian govt doesn’t think people will stay in Mexico but they will stay in Canada.

Hardly any of the Canadian invites went, nor did they send gifts. The few Russians who could afford to go couldn’t also afford a gift.

So in the end they basically spent a fortune on a vacation with family. Karma baby!