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Advice about MySpace?

Rae's picture

As some of you know, I have a Myspace account, and on there, I have posted photos of my family and some of our activities. My family includes my SO's daughter, from marriage number 1 and kids, as well as his mom and brother. They have all accepted me and treat me really, really well.

The problem is with his second marriage and two boys, aged 18 and 20. The ex has tried and tried to alienate these kids from their dad, and has been mostly successful, until recently. My SO has been able to make some little progress in communicating with the 18 year old.

Until...the beast went to my MySpace account and found those photos. She has absolutely gone off the deep end yet again. Says it hurts the boys, and they can't get over it, etc... Now, in my mind, this is my life, this is my family, and I should be able to post what I want. The boys are the only ones who haven't accepted me, and it's due to their mother mostly. The rest of the family is supportive, as is mine. In fact, if anyone should be hurt by the photos, it's probably my 22 year old son, whose mother up and moved 5000 miles last year...I'm sure he thinks about me doing things with SO, while he is left without me, but he loves me and is supportive. I'm really proud of how he is handling things.

My SO's boys on the other hand, are being told that they don't matter anymore. That their father doesn't care, because he does things with me and not with them. We've invited the boys over and over to come here and do things with their dad and sister when she was here visiting, and they don't even acknowledge the phone calls or emails. And now, once again, they have completely cut their father off. He has called them numerous times these past days and just gets their voice mail and no return call. They are punishing him for me posting those photos.

To me it's absolutely ridiculous! They were told about me over a year ago when I moved up here to be with their father; their parents had a horrible marriage for many years, and my SO had moved out of the home more than a year before I ever met him. In fact, he was dating someone else when I met him. He had already moved on. The ex twists things so bad...because the divorce isn't final. Still waiting on property settlements which she really messed up with some fraudulent transfers using an old power of attorney. Anyway, her claim is pretty much that I'm not family; I have no right to post those photos because she is still married to him; that it hurts the kids etc...

What do you guys think? Any ideas of how SO can reach the boys, and let them know these photos and our activities are in no way meant to hurt them...and in fact, they are welcome to participate, or plan something on their own with their dad if they would be willing.

I know this is long and rambling. It's so hard to combine the historic events with current events and make any kind of sense. But I know some of you know my history.

Thanks in advance for any support, advice or even critizism you can provide!

Oh and a PS...for those of you who are friends on my Myspace account, I wouldn't be surprised if you receive an email from her or her son (she uses his account) telling you how I ruined her and the boys. She refuses to accept responsibilty for her part in the failure of her marriage, and it's now all my fault...she thinks she could have gotten him back if it weren't for me living with him. Of course she didn't give a shit at all about getting back with my SO until I came into the picture. She was perfectly happy with him having his own place and just sending her money...for more than a year. No attempt to try and get him back or even find out where he had moved to! Anyway, she's threatened to do this in the past-contact all my family, friends and previous co-workers....I had a pretty public life and she found out all kinds of things about me on the I'm half expecting her to do it now. She is really a controlling nutcase.


WontGetTheBestOfThisSM's picture

As soon as BM found out I had a myspace page, she created one. As soon as I found out, I set mine to private. She has, as some of you know invaded my privacy in some of the most crazy ways imaginable. As far as I am concerned your SSs are grown men now! Their behavior is childish, and it just goes to show you the degree pissed off BMs will go to make themselves feel better about well.. themselves! YOUR life is YOUR life, period. It does not need to be freely shared with those who have chosen to single you out and treat you this way. Set your profile to private, its none of anyone else's business unless you choose to invite them into your life.

JUST ME IN NJ's picture

I'd set your account to private so she can't continue to snoop. Secondly, if she continues to use her son's myspace to contact you or any of your friends, I'd have you & your friends block any & all myspace accts she uses to reach out & touch someone. I do not believe that you should change any pics because SHE says the children are upset. But I wouldn't believe that until I heard it from his children themselves. Unfortunately, the only advice I have for your SO to reach out to his children is to talk to them & hope that since they are adults they can differentiate between b.s & fact. If they decide to side with their mother, than that is their choice. Continue to include them in everything & hopefully they will "come around". Good luck! Keep us posted.

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

Anne 8102's picture

I would only be concerned if they were, in fact, "kids." They are not kids. They are adults. If THEY have a problem with it, then THEY need to talk to you and their father about it. The BM shouldn't even continue to be a factor when the kids become adults. If she emails me, I'll tell her so and then tell her to grow up.

~ Anne ~
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!

str8_trippin's picture

that soooo many women are willing to ruin and sabatoge what is supposed to be a strong nurturing relationship between a father and child, simply because they refuse to be emotionally responsible. You should be able to post pics of the people you share your life with. Who doesn't? Now, are the boys upset b/c they are not on your page? Or because you guys have a life that they don't involve themselves in? They are grown adults yet, look how emotionally stunted they are due to the alienation. I am sure they are resentful because of the crap that has been fed to them for so long, but I'm almost positive that it is midirected at the wrong person. Since those men are old enough now, doesn't your husband think it is time to tell them the truth? That he has always loved and cared for them, but was not able to complete his fatherly role b/c of BM's sabatoge? What she has done is a form of child abuse!!! She has failed to nurture an healthy relationship between her children and their father, because of her selfishness and it hurts them the most. She has put them at a huge diadvantage emotionally, by doing so. Maybe if they won't answer his calls, he can write them a heartfelt letter and perhaps send them info on parental alienation. His boys need a dose of reality, not the deluded shit BM has served them over the years. These women are absolute maniacs! But what they fail to realize is ultimately, when children grow up and discover the truth-they are the ones to blame, and it will bite them on the ass! But never in a million years will they hold themselves accountable for the chilhoods they destroyed. If she wants to cocntact your friends family, so be it! They will know she is a conniving lunatic! Best of luck with that situation!

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

OldTimer's picture

that the person who REALLY has an issue with the photos is BM...

I also think that since the 'kids' are, uh hmmm *clears throat* young adults, they don't really care at this age. Personally, I think the kids need to speak to DH about it, and BM. To me, this just cries out of BM's insecurity, not the 'kids'. At this age, the kids are probably more consumed with themselves to even really get that wound up about it, or for that matter, I'm sure it's more of BM winding them up about it in the first place.

You know, I wouldn't give a damn about it, seriously. It's THEIR problem, not yours.

Originally, I set my account up to private. But since than, I have changed my profile to open so that I can find some long lost friends of mine easier. I don't have anything personal right off the bat on my profile, but all my other pages, photos, blogs, etc are set to my friends view only. And I have set my friends requests to private as well, ie meaning that no one can just add me without some info and I don't just add anyone without investigating... most of my friends on my account are from StepTalk anyway... I figure you know what, I certainly don't care what BM thinks about me, and I sure as don't give a rats a$$ about her. If either one of them 'discover me' here or anywhere else online... fine with me. They would only believe their point of view anyway... it's the internet for christ sake, ain't the gold vault of Fort Knox...

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Rae's picture

You guys ALWAYS make me feel so much better. Thanks! And Anne, I'm now hoping she does contact you :-). I'd love for her to get an earful in response to her craziness. A few months ago she threatened to contact my mom (she found my mom's name in an article about me in a local paper) and I was so worried and concerned about how my mom would feel. It truly made me sick that this woman was going to try and drag my mother into this. I finally decided to let my mom know what was going on, and what the beast was threatening, and my mom was great! She said "Bring it on!" She was so supportive. I shouldn't have been so worried. And ex still hasn't contacted her, (my mom's at the point where she would love the opportunity to speak her mind,) so I'm hoping it's all idle threats.

Stepmom, I'm like you. I originally had mine set to private, and then went to public for a couple of reasons. One, because the reason for going private was mainly to keep the ex out of my life, and when I started really thinking about it, I got mad that I am letting her control me in that fashion.

Two, because I wanted old friends and my family to be able to easily find me and get caught up with where I am at in life. And just a couple of days ago, I had an unexpected contact.

An old, old friend of mine (when I was 18, she was my roommate)who has since died tragically, had a daughter a couple of years younger than my son. Our kids grew up together and were very close until just a few years ago after my friend died, and we all just drifted off into our separate lives. The daughter, 20, just contacted me through Myspace. She had just had a baby, and wanted to tell me about it. I was so emotional about the whole thing, and so glad this girl who has been through so much was able to find me and get in touch with me. I love her, even though I had lost touch with her. Last night, I went and bought a whole bunch of silly baby stuff, and am sending it to her today. It really makes me happy that she found me.

I think the best thing is to go back to being private (but I think I'll do it in a limited way in the manner Stepmom has), although I really don't want to. Since the ex can't seem to stay out of my business, I'm sure it's for the best.

Hmmm...but, I might wait a day or two to give her a chance to contact Anne :-)....I know, I'm bad!!!!!

Thanks again everyone!!!

laughterandtears's picture

You're living it, sweets! Why is she even a factor anymore? I would have to say her "Um, you must have missed the memo. When kids grow up, ex's get lost, so by all means, get lost already!" I made my myspace public for a while, to see what happened, nothing. I put it back to private cause I only tempt fate for so long. Hey, I wasn't always the wonderful law-abiding woman that I am today! Plus, my exes are jerks. But back to you, next time she calls say "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number, we no longer have to deal with a (insert her name here), have a great day!" and hang up!


OldTimer's picture

OTHER than step issues that could potentially bore a lot of folks... or for that matter, hog the forums.

And, I'm never going to grow up... nope, not me...

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Rae's picture

I first created my site at the request of family members who live far, far away. Once it was created, I found that there are lots of ways to use it...including networking with friends, and communicating with people with shared interests. I've just started using the blog feature...something I've been toying with post a journal of a trip. It's easier than creating a new web site and letting the same people know how to access and view. Still playing and learning about it...and it's growing as more and more of my family and friends learn how to use it.

Rae's picture

Well, I went ahead and went back and made my Myspace private to reduce the drama and turmoil for my SO's (adult) kids sake. It was public long enough that a couple of my son's friends found me and my best friend's daughter found me and joined that was wonderful...helps me keep in touch with all of them from far away.

But the must be driving BM crazy. I just got a friend request from a person who appears to be one of her coworkers. The "friend" is in the same small town as the BM, and I don't know anyone else who lives there. Also, the background of the photo where "friend" works looks like the same place as BM works so I'm making an assumption here. I sent back a message asking where I knew this person from...I bet I won't get an answer. I wonder why the BM wants more access though. Especially since she went on and on about how much it hurts her and the boys. If it hurts so f'ing much why the hell go to it??? There is nothing on my page that to me is harmful or bad...BM's original flipout was that I had "family" photos on the page. My SO's daughter and kids...who I am very close with...and she is pissed about it. Not to mention a couple of photos of SO and I. Oh well. There truly is no privacy in cyberspace, and we cannot expect to have any. So, I'm not going to dwell on this too much...but it's curious.

Rae's picture

My SO has been calling and leaving messages for his boys daily. Just heartfelt, loving messages, with no indication that he's upset not to have heard from them. Just...he loves them, wants the best for them..and would love to talk to them as soon as they feel able to.

Well he finally got a call from the oldest, and then the youngest. The oldest called and told SO, "he had some privacy" and talked to him a long time. They both want to come visit and SO will pay for the flight in a heartbeat...and are in the process of trying to make arrangements. The BM is already trying to throw a wrench in it though. She just cannot stand that the boys might still love their dad despite him being with me!!! I hope to goodness she doesn't succeed. I've told SO to tell his boys that I won't be here when they come...I'll go on a trip somewhere for the weekend. I want them to be comfortable, and I want so much for my SO to establish communication with his sons again...a first step. They need some peace...all of them...and if I'm here, they will be faced with feeling disloyal to their mom. And it's just too hard. She preys on those kids, not really kids, every minute of the day.

southernshellgirl's picture

I know we are all ususally here because the BM do very rediculous things, but I bet you are right about the friend request and I bet she's kicking herself now for letting on that she was looking in on your myspace.

I guess you can't please her no matter what.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Rae's picture

I ended up confirming that this was indeed the coworker through a google search...the woman has a very distinct username...and I originally wanted to send her a long, long message that I would be sure to get back to the BM...I actually wrote it all out in Word, sat on it a couple of days...and didn't send it. But couldn't resist sending a little something-(about 3 sentences long as opposed to 3 pages Lol I sent her a reply using her real name, telling her I knew who she was and that if she or the BM had any questions about things on my site, they could ask me outright using my email address that BM has, and not engage in devious behavoir. I explained that it was now private to stop the hurt and drama not because there is anything bad on it. After I sent it, I denied her friend request than blocked her as a user. Haven't heard a peep from BM. And I shouldn't. This was all ridiculous. What hypocrisy!

On one of the drama nights when she was yelling at my SO about my MySpace, he finally said, "QUIT GOING TO IT!!!" and hung up on her. When I told him the lastest, with her trying to find a way to see it again through her coworker, he said, "She is f*cking SICK!" And she is. She is sick with hate and vengeance. There is no understanding the depths of it, and no reasoning with it. I'm learning. Slowly but surely.

happy's picture

these are not small children, they are suppose to be adults or at least starting to turn into adults. Although its unfortunate for you and SO to have to go thru this at all, because of this womans lack of self respect and maturity, while I say that. I would have SO call them and leave them a voice mail stating how much he loves and cares for each of them and that hopefully someday they will understand everything and make there own opinions about the situation without there mom coming into the mix. Its not the boys who are so distraught it is her, and only her. Not saying that the divorce that is going on has not hurt the boys, but again they are not children.
Eventually as these two boys mature and start to move on with there lives, they will see there mom and remember everything she has said to them and form there own opinions. For now its just time.
And as far as your MYSPACE account, its yours and if you don't want to make it private, don't, if you do then do, but I say its whatever you want not what she wants. Whether she feels they are still married or not they are not the happily married couple, and maybe she should realize that now.
Best of luck to you.
"live life to its fullest everyday"