OK...just venting!!
So miss perfect, wonderful, mom of the year, or at least that's what she claims to be when talking to my SO, lets him know last night that their 18 year old son won't graduate high school this year. WTF!!! She said he missed too many days last year, because he was so emotionally distraught over their divorce(but not too distraught to get a new car from his dad (dad didn't know he wasn't going to school, or flunking out), go out with his girlfriend and guy friends almost every night, get on MySpace, and play video games all night, play hockey all winter and spring, etc...), just too distraught to go to school. She let him stay home. This is the first we have heard of it. My question is, is this not something important! Wouldn't you be doing everything you could to get your child into summer school or something so he's not 20 years old when and if he ever graduates!!! This kid just hung out all summer long. Didn't do a damn thing, even though he promised his dad he would get a job last summer. SO is calling attorney tomorrow. This is so riduculous. Ex is now trying to claim both children (18 and 20) are now severely handicapped because of his decision to leave them 3 years ago, and she says he'll pay for it in court...divorce isn't final yet due to property issues, but looks like she's going to try to pull something else.
And, oh man, did it feel good to get all that out! I want to say some of these things to my partner soooo bad, but it just upsets him when I say anything at all negative about his ex and kids. I really have to walk on eggshells with that subject. He gets extremely defensive and we end up in a fight...so I'm glad I have all of you to vent to.
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That is Such BS
Doesn't it occur to BM that the kid flunked because he just didn't care about school? That he and he alone is responsible for failing. My son HATED high school. He felt like the rules were all bs and just didn't try. Just like your SS he did everything but his school work. I made my son drop out of regular high school an attend adult classes at night. He got his GED instead. He went on to work for about 2 years in unbearable jobs. He finally decided to go to college. He made straight A's in college and exceled in everything he did. He is 25 has a great job, married, bought his own home, etc. His salary far exceeds mine at a very young age so there is hope but SS needs to get away from using BF as an excuse in his own failures. Sounds like the only handicap is BM.
You know...
Us pointing out to them how awful their exes are only reminds them that THEY screwed up. That's why, even when it's the ex who pulls stunts like this, they take it personally, because they exercised the bad judgment in hooking up with these women in the first place. I've lost count of the number of times I've had to reassure my DH that I'm aggravated with HER, not mad at HIM. He'll always view it as his fault, no matter what it is that SHE does, because he's the one who introduced her into my life in the first place. Sigh. So you try to be supportive and they take it the wrong way. You try to steer them in the right direction and help them out, they see it as a personal attack on them. What are we supposed to do?! I guess just sit back and let them come to some realizations on their own. Man, is THAT hard to do!
And let's talk about a "mother" who is encouraging her children to fail, rather than to succeed! She's a professional victim and she's teaching them to be professional victims, as well. I don't care if he did flunk the school year... EVER HEAR OF SUMMER SCHOOL? If he's not going to school, did she make him GET A JOB? Why not do the GED thing, then, if he won't go to school? Here's the problem: SHE'S SET HIM UP TO BE ONE OF THESE ADULT MOOCHING CHILDREN WHO MOVE IN, REFUSE TO GROW UP AND CAUSE NO END OF TROUBLE TO THEIR PARENTS. Eventually, that CS will dry up and then what? Is she prepared to carry him for life without any help from your SO? Is your SO prepared to say NO MORE MONEY?
I feel myself heading in the same direction, here in about three or four years, because the two youngest skids have all these learning disabilities and I just know their mom is going to try to milk us for the rest of their lives. I'd rather they moved in with us than pay her a cent. At least, then we could help them find ways to be independent. She'd rather put the financial screws to my DH than figure out a way to help her children succeed in life. Aggravating. When my parents divorced, my father only had to continue paying for our education after age 18 for as long as we were enrolled full-time in a degree program and making good grades. (That's how the papers were drawn up and I guess he did it for my sister, but he didn't pay a dime towards my education. Prick. Oh, well. I learned how to be self-reliant. Not a bad lesson to learn.)
Let us know how it turns out.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Must be something in the water
DH's oldest child dropped out of school 2 years ago with BM's blessings. He heard all the talk of the child taking computer classes for GED yadda yadda so he kept paying CS. That, of course, did not last. I told him when I first learned of his child dropping out of school "how much you wanna bet..." and sure enough just 3 months prior to CS being stopped for oldest, BM claims child was going back to school. We both knew it was a bunch of bunk so he simply told her to show him the proof. He's still waiting for the proof, and that was since last year. CS stopped (they had an arrangement outside of the court system). It's a shame because the child really had high aspirations but will never follow through now because child supposedly has fibromyalgia (just like mom) and can't handle school. DH fears that child will be just like mom and there's not a damn thing he can do about it. Younger child is 16 and as far as he knows is still in school. He knew deep down that BM was saying child was going back to school just so she could keep collecting CS.
Anne are you living in my house?
You are so right about how my bf feel about the ex. I mean, you couldn't have named the problems better if you had been living with us this past year! He does always take it as an attack on him (because of what he says were his poor choices), and he does hate the mess it all turned in to because he never wanted me to have to endure something like this. And what I see as supporting him, he sees as an attack. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut, but it's so hard sometimes!
And neither my bf or me can understand why neither kid works or does anything productive. We both went to work at 15 and have worked all our lives. And we had our trials with "broken" homes just like his kids are having, and what, a huge percentage of the US population since half of all marriages end in divorce. To blame it on that is just ridiculous. And on top of everything, if it's THAT bad for him or the other one, GET THEM HELP! My bf has told her, he'll pay for it...just get them some counseling, or some kind of help.
Update...OMG
Well, after finding about about son missing so much school last year, SO decided he was going to call his son in the mornings to make sure he was up and going to school. After a couple of mornings of this, BM called having a hissy fit. Said she was there making sure he was going to school, and that he didn't need to call his son cause she was taking care of it, and that if the cell phone rang once the kid was at school, he would lose it. (Reminds me of Nymphs BM.) So SO calls son, gets assurance that he was going to school and didn't need to be called every morning. This was back a couple of months ago. Since then he's been assured by BM, and the couple of times he's been able to talk to the son and that son's brother that school is fine and that he's going.
We got a hint from a friend of the son that he in fact wasn't going, so SO finally got ahold of his son's school counselor. And after that conversation he felt like he'd been shot. This kid has not been going to school on a regular basis since 9th grade! He has only about a quarter of the required credits he needs to graduate because he's not been going to school. And this year, he's already been absent almost all of the first quarter so of couse he didn't pass any of those classes. They have all been lying to my SO, just as they did when he still lived with them. SO works long periods of time in remote locations, and always just sent money home trusting that the BM was taking care of kids and finances. Ms. mother of the year, who is always praising herself for what she sacrifices for her kids and who claims that the kids are messed up because SO "abandoned" them...yeah right!...has been lying all along. SO had not yet left the home when son was in 9th grade. Turns out son had failed almost all his 9th grade classes because he rarely attended...SO never knew because they lied to him about it, and he never had a clue. What gets me is that the school has allowed this for so long, and never filed a truancy report or tried to reach SO when it was obvious BM wasn't doing anything.
What a MESS! There is no hope now that son will ever graduate. He is 18. It would take him about 3 more years to get the credits he needs now that he flunked out this semester...his grades were so low that even if he got 100's in all his classes next quarter, he'd still have F's.
What's terrible is the harm this has all caused the son, and the son is too young and immature to really understand all the ramifications. He's actually a smart kid. Perfectly capable of doing the work. The only thing we can hope for now is that he can get a GED, but there is a lot of work that goes into that, and now knowing past history, it's doubtful he'll make it through unless he really has an epiphany. His mother sure isn't going to help him. Don't know how to motivate him to really take control of his life and don't know how to help at all when it's constant lies. The hard part is he's a sweet, funny, nice, friendly kid that doesn't get into any trouble...he just doesn't go to school, and has learned with his mother's support that it's ok to lie to his dad. Would love any suggestions though, if anyone has dealt with this.