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BM is OBSESSED with my BF and he doesn’t realize it

QueenOfCups's picture

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for the past 6 months. And even though it's been such a short time we instantly fell in love with eachother and he moved in with me and my dad. Our relationship is going perfect besides these little things we can't seem to agree on. His BM is TOXIC but she plays the victim card VERY WELL. She has his mom, his dad, and TRIED to have him wrapped around her finger. Things have been slowly escalating and I realize that it's only gonna get worse. 

From what I have been told when my BF lived with the BM he was the one working and when he got home he took care of the kids because she just liked sitting on her phone all day. He left about 7 months after his son was born and then his mom made him try to make a relationship work with the BM again and she ended up pregnant with his daughter. He left again because he didn't want to be with her because she wouldn't let him leave the house at all. 

About a month into our relationship I wrote my name on my BFS car window, she got upset stole money from his wallet, cursed him out, and said she wasn't gonna leave his car ALL while holding the babies. (I seen a recording of this incident) he ended up having to call the police on her. 

She blocked him because I "disrespected" her even though I didn't even know she would be in his car. visitations stopped for a little while and picked back up at the end of October. He's not allowed to see the kids without her being there and she said I'm NEVER allowed to meet her kids, which is cool I understand. 

I know life is hard that's why I was giving her the benefit of the doubt but then she started crossing my boundaries. She tells him that his son is crying and wants to see him, AT 10PM. My bf texted me and said he understands I feel uncomfortable and that I could call at anytime. Once he got home I told him that 10pm visitations at his bms house is where I draw the line. He texted her and told her what I said. She calls him and is pissed off saying how he's not a father and how he's hurting his kids blah blah blah. She gets otp with me and basically says I'm insecure because she would never want to be with him ever again. YEA WHATEVR. I believed her then tho.

Flash Forward Thanksgiving, they had a meal at his parents house. (I'm not invited cuz I'm not family I guess >.<) after they ate she asks him too smoke with her. He declines and she gets upset. 

Around the middle of December she hits him up randomly again saying she's going to be homeless soon so he needs to find her a place to live. My bf gets really stressed when it comes to his kids and she knows that. I was trying to explain to her she couldn't get kicked out without an eviction notice but she wasn't listening. 

A week before Christmas he was getting ready to see his kids and he took $200 from our apartment fund bc he wanted to get the kids stuff. I told him that's not enough so I gave him another $100 from our fund and gave him $200 of my money. I wanted the kids to have a good Christmas bc I've never had one yanno. 

I ended up talking to her on the phone, she was just telling me how my boyfriend is a liar and how he left her and yadda yadda for 2 HOURS straight everything was cool and she told me to text her after I talked to my bf. I guess she thought I was gonna break up with him so when I messaged her saying everything's fine and that I hope everyone can do what they need too for the kids. She just left it on read. 

Her and the kids supposedly were sick and my bfs parents had Covid so they asked me to drop stuff off. While at the grocery store I sent her a picture of what I had and asked her if she needed anything else. She brought up my bf and I told her it's not about him it's about the kids.She said she doesn't want anything and she doesn't need it she's fine.. Even though she told his mom she needed medication, formula, apple juice and snacks. I figured it was a pride thing and bought the groceries anyways. I left them at her doorstep and took a pic and sent it to her and she told me to never come around again Smile great. 

the NEXT DAY she tells my boyfriend she needs $500 in two days or her and the kids are going to be on the streets. I told him I'm tired of her bs and not to give it to her bc I know she's lying. She calls him a deadbeat. He says he doesn't have money but if the kids need a place to stay they can stay with him until she gets back on her feet. She says "what about me" he tells her she's grown and she's gonna have to figure it out. She blocks him again. 

Now yesterday she messaged him again saying that if he doesn't give her $500 by the end of the month she's going to put him on child support. He says whatever. She claims she needs help. I told him to tell her to fill out paperwork for government assistance and she says she can't because she has to get emancipated first. (She's 20 btw)

I told him to tell her to stop lying and he said that he doesn't want to make her mad because he doesn't want her taking her anger out on the babies. WHATTTT

ever since he told me this I can't get it out of my head, what type of mother does that. I told him 50/50 custody isn't enough and he should get full custody and he thinks I'm crazy. 

We are in the process of hiring an attorney, getting a house, and serving her paperwork. 

Lol I wrote all of this and it's not even 5% 

what should we do about custody?

what should I do at all, I'm so lost tbh


Felicity0224's picture

This is a hot mess and you don't need to be in the middle of it at all. If you were my sister or friend, I would tell you that no one is worth all this chaos, you deserve better, and you need to break up and move on. 

If you insist on staying together, then I would tell your SO that you are disengaging from anything and everything to do with BM, and that you won't be contributing to taking care of his kids. If you want to spend money on them for fun stuff, fine. But buying groceries, paying for an attorney? Nope. That's his responsibility, and not even a year into the relationship he should not be relying on you financially. The bottom line is that you cannot care more about the kids than their parents do. It will only result in heartache for you. And the more you give early on, the more resentful you will be down the road if that generosity isn't appreciated (ask me how I know - I poured my heart and soul into loving my SDs and after 12 years of their mom in their ears, they turned on me with zero hesitation or remorse). 

It sounds to me like you're young. You can deal with a little heartbreak now and move on and find someone better suited for you, or you can deal with years of chaos and sacrifice and then have the regret of wasting your youth. If you're going to stay, NOW is the time to establish firm boundaries, before it's too late. 

ndc's picture

Personally, I wouldn't want any part in this dysfunction, and I'd run for the hills, so that's what I'd advise you to do.  With a HCBM like this, and odd family dynamics, this situation will be a mess for many years.  You're young and should be able to find a man without the baggage this one has.

Short of that, I think your BF needs a court order.  He needs set times to see his kids, and he needs a set amount of child support he gives to BM.  And then he needs to follow the order.  I would stay out of the amount of custody he asks for - that's his decision based on what he can handle and what he wants.  Unless BM is clearly unfit (and maybe not even then), he won't get full custody. 

As for his continuing relationship with BM, you need to insist upon boundaries that you are comfortable with.  Only you know what those are.  When I first met my DH, he still did holidays with BM, the two of them took the kids on a vacation together, they had joint birthday parties.  I was not comfortable with this.  I told DH that he could be with BM or he could be with me, and he was welcome to go trick or treating with BM and the kids if he wanted to (that was what precipitated my boundary setting), but if he did I would be gone.  That was the end of the joint events "for the kids."  I had no desire to be in a relationship with a guy who was still spending time with his ex-wife, and I would have walked away had that boundary not been set and respected.

And for goodness sake, stop spending money on his kids.  NOT your responsibility, and it's a bad precedent to set.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your SO and his ex had Thanksgiving at his parents together, without you - and you all thought that was ok? What are you accepting that kind of behavior from your boyfriend? That was completely inappropriate.

It is also inappropriate that SO only sees his kids when BM is present. And it is not ok that you never meet the kids.

This is a hot mess and it is not going to get any better. You should end this now. I know you think he is the love of your life, but you are way to young to be involved in such a dysfunctional dynamic.

At the very least your SO needs to get an official custody order and child support order. He needs to follow the order and only communicate with BM when it involves the kids. No more in-person visits. No more family dinners. And she has no say in when you meet the kids. He should see the kids at his place of residence, which is your house. And he is never going to get full custody - he has never even had the kids over night. He should go for 50/50.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but what are you getting out of this relationship? Your bf moved in with you and your dad within 6 months of being together, already money you both are saving together for your own apartment is being taken to be used for his kids, cops have had to be called, etc.

It is actually NOT understandable that you never meet the kids because BM says so, that your bf is going over there at 10 pm because one of the children is crying, that you are not invited to thanksgiving that bm, bf, and the children are attending, bm is essentially guilting him/blackmailing him for money.

IF this is to work he needs a solid CO, set child support that outside of that, your bf does not give BM money especially out of the funds you are both saving for an apartment, boundaries need to be set with BM.

Also for the LOVE of god, please STOP talking to BM at all. You should not be talking to her in text or calls. Especially not dropping off groceries, etc. for her. Yes, BM is young so you have a long road ahead of you if this is to work, but BM is a woman with children that needs to figure her life out on her own, not with your bf's help and especially not with yours.

My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years now, BM does not have my number, I have seen her maybe 20-30ish time at exchanges with SD, even been about 8 feet away from her at the last exchange and I have never spoken a word to her, she has mentioned my name 2 times in messages to SO this was over a year ago now and she spelled my name wrong so she doesn't even know those details about me. This is not a triangle relationship, your relationship with your bf is separate from BM and BM does not have a relationship with your bf anymore outside of being parents to their children.

Sorry if this seemed rather harsh, but I really hate seeing women on here being pushed around by BM, thinking they need a relationship with BM, that oh she's their mother let's bow down to BM's needs, etc. Do not get run over by BM or your bf just because they have kids together. Yes, respect she is their mother because she is, but she doesn't get to decide every detail of their life especially in regards to the relationship they have with their father and/or if you have anything to do with the children. It is not her choice. You sound pretty young also and I think you are trying to take the mature approach by being so “cool” about BM and her antics, but she is crossing boundaries all over the place.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Been there, seen that, except BM was in her late 20s and been divorced from DH for several years.

This stuff doesn't end. The flirting, the getting mad and blocking, the threatening (and actually) withholding visitation, the demanding money, the late-night phone calls because the kids are upset, the manipulating family, the homelessness...

Yeah, I'm nearly a decade in with dealing with all of this. The only thing that has kept me around was early stupidity (not sure if I would have made it through had I found this site first) and my DH stepping up real fast to end a lot of the BS. Oh, and me taking a GIANT step back away from engaging with BM.

You're in for a rougher road than I think you realize, and you're perpetuating some of these issues. I don't communicate with BM. Tried for a while, it bit me, I stopped. DH and I both don't have a relationship with his mother because she is so enmeshed. DH has had to make tough calls - like letting BM go homeless and just taking the kids when she got herself in a bind. He has been swindled out of cash. It has been nuts, never easy, and a damn miracle I have stuck around.

So, if you're going to stick this out, you have to STOP all communication with BM. Your BF NEEDS a court order ASAP. You NEED to keep finances separate. He NEEDS to have a job that covers his AND his kids expenses, including child support if he is ordered to pay. And he NEEDS to stop helping BM "for the sake of the kids" because that just emboldens her.

Be prepared for this to be your life for the next 18 years. I got EXTREMELY lucky in that BM's shenanigans didn't bankrupt DH and I, and the kids are good with me (BM wasn't able to alienate them, though she tried). I can't, in good conscience, tell someone to stay in this. You shouldn't. He hasn't figured out how to be a single dad yet and you're too eager to fix everything, and you're both moving entirely too fast for love. But, if you're going to stick this out, you all need to push aside what you THINK should happen and do what NEEDS to happen. First and foremost is a court order, followed by your BF being in a financial position to support himself and his kids without your involvement. You also need to stop being in the middle of their squabbles and let them figure it out WHILE setting appropriate boundaries with your BF in relation to his kids and BM.

ESMOD's picture

Wow... yeah.. this is a dumpster fire in the making.

1.  he moves in with you within 6 months of dating.. oh correction with your father... Are you paying dad rent?  Is your BF also paying your dad rent? are you both covering utilities?  Does your dad have a wife or girlfriend.. how does she feel about two adults living there?  Moving this quickly btw is almost always a red flag.  

2.  Part 2 of that red flag is that your BF has two children and has not put himself in a position to have a home where he can exercise visitation... 

3.  Which brings us to another red flag in that he has apparently gotten himself on the wrong side of family court if his only visitation can be supervised.  That paints him as the person that the court thinks is a danger/problem.

4.  The issue with you and the Ex is also a red flag.  How do you think you are going to have a long term relationship with a man when you can't be around his kids?  I am assuming again that they are quite young.. that means you have to leave your home when he has custody time? That is not workable.. that is not a situation you want to enter into long term.

5.  It also doesn't sound like you and her are doing anything other than making your BF feel like the cock of the walk with two women fighting over him.. he must feel so important.  

6.  Red flag again that he doesn't appear to have a set custody order or child support order with her.  That means that at any point, she could seek child support and any time he spent.. any money he gave her won't be credited to him.. all gifts.. and he may end up with a hefty CS arrears obligation.

I will be blunt/honest and give you advice I would give my own young stepdaughters if they thought about getting involved with a man with all these issues and two children at such a young age.  There are many  more fish in the sea.  There are people that have been more responsible.. there are people that don't have this burden/baggage that they will be toting for the rest of their life.  There are people without this particular brand of crazy drama.  You are young.. there are plenty of people in your peer group that are more suited as partners.. and while you may think you love this guy.. at less than 6 months.. you are not so deep into this situation that you can't back away.  You don't need this cement block around your neck.  Take it from someone that has been a stepmom for almost 20 years.. even in the BEST of situations.. it is hard.  It means financial sacrifice.. it means that you and your wants will have to be pushed down at times.  It means you invite the drama of an EX and those kids into your life and home.  And I have a great partner.. and his now adult daughters are lovely.  His EX was a bit of a nightmare but at least he did have a set order in place.. and we were much older and more mature when we met in our 30's.. and at that age there are fewer childless partners out there.. .don't waste your time now when you could be looking for someone who won't ruin your life with their past and their mistakes.  

Harry's picture

In some type of relationship with BM.   He should go to court and get a CO order. And pay CS if she has the kids the majority of the time.

You should steep back and let them or courts work out something.  You are going no where with BM having all the control 

MissK03's picture

There is a lot going on there. You seem very young given BM is 20. 

I would let this one go. You don't need this crazy drama fest. 

yougotthis's picture

This is a total hot mess. I would RUN! 

Why are they all spending thanksgiving together? and without you? Why are you spending two hours talking on the phone to your boyfriends ex while she rants and tells lies about him to you? It seems like there is a whole lotta drama going on. It sounds like you're young, go find someone without kids and have fun while you're young! You don't need this crap already.