Well....that escalated....
Putting this out there to get my thoughts out and feedback. To recap- have had issues with the SD for a long time which for the most part-have been driving by the BM. SD graduated ...before anyone says "yay" and "your troubles are over" don't hold your breath.
This past week my daugher attended camp and my husband and I planned a vacation- one week all alone . Well, the day before we were to leave- SD calls my DH and says that her mom has made plans that weekend and she was going to come to our house. That didn't happend -bc, I said "hell no, we will not have another vacation compromised bc of your ex wife". All the years of her keeping the SD from my DH and not allowing any deivation from the custody agreement bc it was "her time" and now to impact our one week of chld free time. This happens anytime we have plans- the BM or SD try to force us to re-arrange our plans. Once I pointed out the details and time constraints- my husband agreed.
Well, this am- SD calles DH ans says I'm coming down today and staying until Sunday bc I have plans Sunday night. We are packed and ready to leave for a week-which she was WELL aware of. Not to mention, that for the past 17 years- when a holiday fallls after a weekend- the parent who has the child has the weekend leading up to the holiday. So, this is her Mom's weekend. They are heading to the beach for a week for the 4th...it is all just so weird. I feel that this is another attempt to cause a fight here.
Parent's weekend at college in coming up in September. SD just asked my DH is he wanted to STAY IN THE AIRBNB with her and her mom. Like WTF....this kid is just trying to cause arguements in this house. Little does she know that we all know her mom has been dating someone for a year. He told her that would be weird because my daugher and I are going. Her response...." I don't think everyone should come"
I didn't attend her graduation or events around it. The stress of dealing with that family- especially BM and SD were just too much.
What do you all think? I
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Manipulations abound
Because its fun, because they are "bored", because they have a hangnail.
If your husband previously jumped through their hoops, and then created/enforced boundaries, they will always continue acting as if he needs to continue jumping through their hoops, and as the Skids get older they learn how to do this and ramp it up...
Dont fall for that, and good on you both for not caving to SD and BM's whims. And yeah, I wouldnt participate in snarky sd's college endeavors either. And no, mom and dad are not going to "play happy family" for skids benefit either.
Are you and your daughter also wanting to look at colleges separate from SD?
100%
The manipulation and games are just so endless and petty. When she graduated- I told my husband that I'm done with their games. It is a bad look for her and when she pulls this stuff in college--it is going to backfire on her. She won't last a semester if she treats people the way she has treated me.
It is Parent's Weekend at her college...big weekend with a football game etc. I'm not letting her run the show any longer. Thank you for your kind words!
Don't fight. Leave. And SD17 can stay at mommy's house.
Enjoy your vacation.
Stop tolerating her crap or BM's. Let the Harpy squad rot in the stench of their shallow and polluted gene pool.
People need to stop catering to this kind of shit and let them rot on the vine. 17yos do not need to be cared for. Particularly when they are toxic.
IMHO of course.
Not fighting...have to care to fight ;)
Agree with you 100%. My husband needs to get his head on straight and stop being manipulated. Imagine if her mom's boyfriend had his ex stay with him in an Airbnb. That woman can't keep her cool about anything and it would get so ugly.
17 and having sex, vaping and has a fake id....I think she can take care of herself.
1. She gets reminded that no.
1. She gets reminded that no.. she can not come this weekend as he had existing plans. and sorry but don't make plans without consulting me if you expect me to accomodate you.. figure something out. our place is not an option.
2. She doesn't need both parents on her college visit. they can choose diff schools. Unless your daughter is also doing a school visit.. no need for everyone to go.
18 years old (depending on
18 years old (depending on your state) and graduated = visitation and CS over
The court order is no longer in effect. She cannot show up at her and her mothers whim at your home. Your husband should offer her to hang out one afternoon this weekend if she really wants to see him but for the whole weekend she has to make her own ADULT plans for accomodation.
I wouldnt care about going to visit for the parent weekend at college, waste of time and money. Of course, she wants him to stay at the airbnb so they can act like a happy family. A lot of these kids love it when their mothers are dating and having stepfathers but if the their fathers do it, then its all kinds of wrong
I was going to say the
I was going to say the exactly the same thing.
Vacation
I wouldn't want to do the school visit either since it doesn't sound like you two are close. But if your daughter isn't looking at schools, perhaps you're all using this as an opportunity to have a vacation. DH can dip out for just a few hours to do the school thing, then rejoin you. He can explain that "Actually we're planning on doing some site seeing while we're in the area, but Pushed and daughter have girls-day-out plans while we're looking at the school". Just make sure he's aligned with the plan.
Or, if you'd rather, feel free to join in, hold DH's hand and take your bow as she looks at schools. You can comment to your daughter on things you like about every school ()so she can't pick the one you don't like out of spite. Every school will have something good about it). Your efforts of the last few years likely earned you the privilege of being there.
Girl, I'm riding the same
Girl, I'm riding the same crazy train as you. Let's put both our SD's and BM's in a cage fight together! Problem solved!
The day before our last big vacation (seeing my family in another province for the first time in years) BM sent SD over in crutches. Said she sprained her ankle when we took her rollerskating a few days before. Funny, SD did a couple of laps around the rink, then chilled out and had ice cream. She never fell. Didn't even break a nail. She complained about the ice cream flavour though. SO and I left for our trip as planned.
Ugh...
Sounds like they would unfortunately get along! However, it would be fun to see that. ;) So sorry you are riding the same crazy train too. Everyone said it would be better when she graduated...however, it has gotten worse. It is like she has gotten an over inflated ego ...just like BM.
See if your husband would go
See if your husband would go for changing the locks quickly. I could see this little drama queen either causing the toilet to overflow or having a mini kitchen fire, or some other emergency to ruin your vacation. Tell her no, she cannot stay at your house when you're not there.
....
We have cameras outside and would see if she stopped in...also have one in my room due to things going "missing", damaged etc....right after her "visits". Good plan and thank you for the suggestion.
When I had stepchildren (2nd
When I had stepchildren (2nd marriage) who were late teens, early 20s, I had my son "house sit" to make sure there were no shenanigans. My son was several years older than my former stepsons and would not tell them his schedule (which varied), so they never knew when he'd be at the house or when he was coming back.
Maybe you could tell the SD that one of your friends is staying at the house, or have someone house sit for you to either keep her away or monitor her shenanigans.
Having cameras isn't going to stop her from creating drama to ruin your vacation. Overflowing a toilet or causing some other kind of calamity would be "an accident."
Ah, Hon,
Ah, Hon,
Your post was triggering, indeed, for this oldster fully 36 years after the event. I'll never forget and to some degree, forgive, SD’s (14 years old at the time) deliberate demolition of my sainted Nana's vintage cookie jar. The brat purposely dropped the container, then manufactured crocodile tears of remorse; she was a virtuoso at blubbering whenever the need arose. Daddy raced to comfort his ‘little sweetheart’, assuring her that, "It was just an accident, it's alright, honey!"
As I viewed, despairingly, the many pieces of my treasured jar, SD gave me a smirk of satisfaction (think duper's delight) over Daddy's shoulder. To this day, I marvel at my self control. However, no congratulations are due since I finally (heh, heh), went off the deep end. When SD called me a ‘bitch’, to my face, I wound up and delivered a mighty smack to her nasty mug. Not my finest hour and as is so often maintained on StepTalk, "If it feels good, probably best not to do it!” The fallout from that blow was traumatic, to say the least.
Hang in there, Pushedpastmylimit; my SD and I are now, at 50 and 78-years-old resp., the best of friends. She matured significantly and has even apologized for her past behaviour while I now recognize how difficult it was for her to be both knocked off her throne and coerced into a loyalty bind by her awful (aka ‘The Screamer’) mother.
ETA: You wrote
~ SD just asked my DH is he wanted to STAY IN THE AIRBNB with her and her mom.~
key?
Go on your vacation as planned. Let SD know she can stay with BM. Also, MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS TO A KEY TO YOUR HOME. Whether she has a key, or she knows the hiding place for your spare key, make sure its not accessible to her while you are gone. I only say this because I had this issue with my SD's using the key to hang out at our house while we were gone. Also, if SD is being controlled by BM, then BM has access to your home if she has a key.
Re-key hthe locks.
Don't give her one.
Or... get a full function security system with coded door locks and disable her code until your return. The beauty of a system like this is the constant monitoring, instant notifications, ability to give or deny access, and .. notify law enforcement to address any unwanted invaders.
Mitigate the risk that the StepSpawn represents. If she violates your home, bring the consequences and do not let it interfere in your vacation. She can rot in jail until you get back from vacation or BM posts bail or pays her fine if she makes the wrong choice.