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I need advice with dealing with my resentment

Goincrazy40's picture


i havent written in two years. Not because anything got better, but because I resigned myself to step hell. However, SS now almost 20 did go away to college this past fall, so that helped a lot. He was local and came home often, but it was still great to have him out of the house most of the time! SD almost 18 is okay to deal with but she has her moments that I could do without  

My step kids are full time here.  Typical... my DH is a Guilty dad of divorce, and even though they have been here full time for five years with little contact with their mom, he still treats them like fragile snowflakes. They are not fragile, they are entitled, spoiled, lazy and manipulative.  

My DH travels for work during the week. I travel sometimes too, but am more often home.  We both make good money and have a nice home; the kids want for nothing.  This has been the situation for years now.  I am like a single step-parent. 

It’s summer and SS20 is home from college. UGH! And SD18 is off HS for the summer. I try to stay disengaged from them. DH does their laundry, cooks for them, and cleans their bathroom.  This drives me insane, but if he insists on it, whatever.  But what makes me see RED is the fact that neither lifts a finger to do anything to contribute in this house.  No cleaning, won’t take out garbage, won’t empty dishwasher.  SS refuses to cut grass when DH is away.  SD won’t vacuum or dust.  They won’t even get the mail or pick up a package that is delivered.  And guess what? DH is just fine with them sitting around the house, staring at their phones, playing video games, or sleeping all day.  They both have part time jobs, but don’t work a lot of hours.  They say it is their “summer vacation” and time to have fun. When DH gets home from his long week of travel and work, he has to do all the stuff they wouldn’t (and I wouldn’t because I was working too) Thus, we never ever can do anything together on the weekends.  It’s just like when they were younger. 

DH and I have separate finances.  We bought the house together and split most of the bills.  He does most of the grocery shopping, because I won’t buy the junk they want to eat.  

This is not new of course.  But now that they are both “adults” I just can’t stand how DH continues to treat them like babies.  They are rude to both of us in return.  SS in particular acts like he owns the house  I can’t stand to be around him and avoid him at all costs.  He is extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate of others  SD at least has a bit of caring for others ... she is just extremely lazy  

I find myself angry all the time. I hide in my room, which is awful, because I pay a lot for this house! I have tried to talk to DH about this many times, but he won’t listen or change.  He says I am the one with the problem and that I am choosing to be unhappy.  I am trying hard to make it until SS moves to his apartment, but I am always wishing my life away over the next step kid life event to pass. 

What should I do about this so that I am not sick with the resentment?



Kes's picture

What your DH is doing to you, is IMHO, a form of gaslighting, in that he is trying to convince you your feelings are not valid and in essence, you are crazy.  Whereas in fact 99% of stepparents would feel the same as you in your situation. He is not doing his job properly in parenting, either - because any reasonable parent would expect sons or daughters, particularly of this advanced age, to exert themselves to contribute to the household, even if just a little, with a few chores. What are this pair going to be like if they have places and maybe partners of their own?  Useless.   Your DH is encouraging them to be lazy, spoiled and manipulative by being a doormat. 

SugarSpice's picture

you will learn to accept the anger or just let the disaster happen when real life bites the children.

one of my skids, a daughter, tells dh that she wants to take him to a music concert for his birthday.  she barely make minimum wage.  of course daddeeee will buy the tickets plus dinner and then say his d "took him to a concert" for his birthday.

ok right.  this is never change.  when my skids lived under my roof when bm kicked them each out of her house as they turned 18 (no more cs), dh was doing the laundry for all of them.  he gave them money to party and get drunk, and they would wake the dead at 3 in the morning coming home.  they would break dishes and not even bother to lock the windows when they left the house. 

i also have separate finances.  one of the best things i ever did.

Chmmy's picture

It sucks living life wishing your life away because you are unhappy.

Maybe split the bills 25%/75% since you are one person and they are 3. Sounds petty that it is you vs them but thats how I feel in my home. I have the same situation...4 skids live here while their mother lives peacefully with her husband. She abandoned them when she met some scumbag who wanted zero to do with her kids. Cant blame him, they are unpleasant to say the least. Ive actually said the phrase "you people" when refering to DH and his spawn. He didnt like that as he thinks we should be the Brady Bunch and I should love these spawn like my own. I hide in my room too. The difference between you and I is I pay no bills. His house, his kids, I pay zero. I buy things for the house and Im not petty if I give the kids money for something or buy them something I dont ask to be reimbursed. I make about 1/3 of what my husband makes but it all goes to savings or spend on myself. I take vacations, help out my adult kids or save for my future. 

ntm's picture

Absolutely a 25/75 split. These are not small children. He can decide how much of that 75 he wants to pay himself and how much they need to chip in for their 50%. He may realize rather quickly that their expenses are too much for him to carry, and he needs to get their lazy arses off the couch. 

ESMOD's picture

OOOOh,.. I just love the "we are on break" line. 

I would be firing back with.. "No.. they are adults.. do you see me taking a "summer break".. NO.  Summer break is something that little children have.. NOT adults.  I expect both of then to make meaningful contributions to the household as long as they are living here."  If he still says it's "your problem"... I would tell him that YOU are going on summer break.  I would do the bare minimum.. pay your portion of the bills that need to be paid... but cleaning? cooking? shopping? errands for your DH? nope.  Lawn looking a bit long.. whatevs..

Buy your own food and eat it yourself.  Read books and eat popcorn.. don't share.

As long as the other adults in the home are "on break".. you will be too.

Yes.. it's passive aggressive... but you are not required to kill yourself for ungrateful jerks (including your DH)

ishouldrun's picture

who have said you should only be responsible for 1/4 of the expenses in the house.  His kids are adults now and should count as adults.  Take the money that you save and go on vacation.  Fill your time up with things YOU want to do.  Volunteer at the animal shelter, take a cooking class, go out with friends, find a new hobby, etc.  

Siemprematahari's picture

What should I do about this so that I am not sick with the resentment?

Your resentment stems from anger that you have with your Disney Dad H who caters to 18 & 20 year old adult children. The step kids may be an issue but your H is the one at fault. The fact that you have allowed and accepted this for so long, your H doesn't see anything wrong with it. Everyone is fine with these arrangements so the bigger question is what are you going to do about it? Only you can set yourself free and take a hold of YOUR life. You are giving them so much power over you and it's heartbreaking to live this way.

How have you not lost respect for your H.....He still does their laundry, cooks, and cleans up after them? This impacts you because you're not able to enjoy your marriage with your H since he's so busy catering to spoiled young adults that he's enabled. If you want to manage your resentment you need to take action and do something about it.

tog redux's picture

I would never in 5 million years have agreed to parent someone else's kids while they travel for work, I can't imagine why you were OK with that. 

I also can't imagine that this is going to end any time soon, quite honestly. This will be the father who lets them move back home when they are 25, who pays for their apartments when they do move out, and who continues to bail them out financially for the rest of their lives.

Are you willing to put up with this forever?

Harry's picture

Later in life, as in retirement,  will your DH have money to retire.  Or as he spending all this money on his kids now and in the future, I am sure cars, wedding, gifts to GK.   Will you have to support him in retirement.  Will he have money..  Let’s say a vacation to France or Hawaii, will he be able to pay his half of said vacation. Or will you have to pay for it.  

You want to buy a motohome, or boat or vacation home, will DH have money for his half.  And if he doesn’t what are you going to Do?  All his money went to his kids....  Let’s say,now you, Will  either have to pay for him.  Sit home, look at the four walls , Or choice number three go by yourself ????  

It good and well you have separated financially, Now,  but can you say, you spend ypur money on your kids, So now you sit at home and In going to France by myself.  That doesnt sound like fun...

  Having Separated finances is not a cure all. It works for a few years. But as time goes on. If really does not work.  He spends all his money on his kids.  What do you now do.  Support him or divorce him ?  And he will still get half of your money in a  divorce 

step to grown children's picture

I am so glad I found this site. I got married 2 yrs ago and my husband moved to  my house. His house didnt stay empty. His 20 yr old son is living there rent free and WE are paying that mortgage too.

I have been fussing for 2 yrs until I finally had to put my foot down and the son is going to start paying some rent... he was already paying utilities. But what puzzles me is that the son looks at it as "helping" out and not as his responsibility and contribution to the household. In reality, if we rnted the house or sold it, we could make more money than renting it for just a portion.

how did we go wrong with these parents feeling so guilty and not teaching their children responsibiltiies?