You are here

At a Loss

TiredSD's picture

I've been married to my current wife for just over 2 years. She has 2 adult children, 32SS & 29SD, that she continues to financially support one way or another.  SD has a 10YO daughter.  SD is recovering addict.  Shortly after moving in with current wife and her family, SD was actively using at this time.  SD left her daughter with us and went on a bender.  During that time I discovered she stole several items from me  I told wife enough and called sherif, at the same time my wife called children services to gain temp custody of GD.  SD was charged felony theft, got into a diversion program, failed diversion (too many dirty tests) and had her case reopened to face penalty  she now has 2 felonies on record.  She can't hold a job and refuses to get one that she considers beneath her  she harbors resentment towards me for calling sherif and has moved out with her GF leaving us to provide 100% care for her daughter  my wife still gives her money.   She appears to me to be narcissistic and a sociopath.   I don't know how to convince my wife she is hurting not helping by constantly enabling her kids.  She always tells them this is the last SD will manipulate her and say I need gas to see PO....there is always a reason.   She knows better than to ask me because she knows my answer is no.  She continues to live on the edge  smokes pot while she is still on  probation...taking unnecessary risks  we told her she can't move back in but the reason was it would be hard for her daughter  baby daddy is kind of in the picture as she goes there every other weekend.  That only started 2 years ago so she is still getting to know her dad.   SD has made it clear to me she can't and doesn't want to be a mom anymore unless of course it benefits her financially ( taxes, stimulus.....)   I'm tired!   Every conversation revolves around SD and what to do with the latest my age I didn't want my life to be dictated like this.   I feel My wife puts everyone before me, before us  


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You and your wife should start going to ALANON meetings so she can be supported by others who have been codependent enablers of addicts. It might help her to learn about tough love from those who have been in her shoes.

tog redux's picture

Yes, your wife needs Al-Anon, and you go too so you know the language and how it works. She's doing what most parents of addicts do.  She will be caught in this cycle forever unless she gets some help to interrupt it, because it's based on fear, and her daughter knows how to push her emotional guilt/fear/whatever buttons. You are right that SD (and the other skid), will never grow up and be responsible unless she stops enabling them, but she will likely have a very hard time doing so.

Harry's picture

This woman may wine up dead and DF will blame you for not helping her 

MissTexas's picture

addict it's likely no judge with give her custody of her daughter. Honestly, that's what this feels like. SD doesn't want to be a mom unless there's something in it for her monetarily. 

You wife needs to STOP giving SD money of any kind, as it's going toward drugs. If SD needs gas, then DW can meet her and use her debit card to pump gas for her. NEVER PLACE CASH IN THE HANDA OF AN ADDICT.

It is not YOUR responsibility, or your wife's to raise this child. I can understand DW may feel obligated for fear the child will be placed in foster care. 

Would there be a possibility the child can live with her father?

So sorry your honeymoon didn't last long and you're facing this dreadful mess.

TiredSD's picture

I should add, SD has completed rehab and is supposedly clean with exception of weed.  Wife views that as victory because she doesn't have the signs of doing the hard stuff.  SD will have a "medical emergency" (call squad for something) when she senses we are threatening her lifestyle of always asking for money.  I believe this is to deflect and continue the manipulation. Ohhh feel sorry for me i am ill. Can i have some money for cigarettes and gas......

Now that it is inevitable that my wife wife and I are to be mom and dad to her daughter what expectations do I have for SD.    I have been slowly making progress with my wife to cut her kids off financially, and she knows it's wrong to continue, but I think she has a need to be needed as well.   Getting her to counseling would be like asking the sun to rise in the west.  My second wife was an alcoholic so I have a pretty good awareness of how things should be.  I love my wife dearly but am struggling with being able to handle the whole situation. 

Olivia2020's picture

I've worked in residential substance abuse faciliites and have seen how the addict will not get clean unless they are motivated by something (not someone) and/or hit rock bottom. 

Many parents enable the addict adult son or daughter out of guilt and/or fear and of course being in denial by not wanting to go to counseling. There are no boundaries and this codependency is serving both of them. Your wife might resent and blame you if you continue to pressure her to stop giving her addict daugher money. 

My mother enabled both of my older brothers until the day she died back in 2013. Guess who was taking care of the bitch during the last 5 miserable months of her life? Me. When I had to do her financials to keep her utility bills paid while she was in and out of the hospital during that 5 months, I discovered where her all her money was going (I wasn't looking for it, I was balancing her checkbook like she asked me to). When said brothers called me to ask me for money from that account, I told them, 'the gravy train is dried up, go get a job!' BTW, they were in their mid-50's at the time of her death and living in the homes that my parents bought them just to get them out of the house we were raised in. Thank goodness they never had kids and that my son doesn't look like either of said brothers. I've had no contact with them after her Will was settled. I changed my phone number too. But my parents rewarded them with cars, homes, money, credit cards, etc. for being addicts ok. I didn't get a dime...I earned my way in life by serving my country, earning two masters degrees, having two successful careers, owning a home, raising a wonderful young man and living a clean life. And I got myself through hard times with a layoff in 2009 when the economy took a downturn. 

Even if both of you get guardianship of the child, you'll be facing years of drama with the mother of the child. Maybe explore what you are getting out of the relationships with women that have addiction in the home. Really look at what you are getting from this relationship. I hope things improve for you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sadly, it is not totally uncommon for the responsible child to get all the responsibility.  A parent feels they can make it on their own so they don't need their help.  This while doling out all kinds of things to the irresponsible ones.