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Something has to give

purplegirl201's picture

DH was informed by his ex that DHS was called to her home because SS10 told his therapist that BM's BF hits him. I was not surprised by this since I suspected moms BF of causing SS broken arm last year but apparenty I was the only one that thought that. We were also told that the police are there on a weekly basis now becasue BM and BF fight constantly

It has only been 2 weeks since the ourt date and SS never mentioned any problems when asked by the judge and lawyers, now all of a sudden he is abused. My problem with the whole thing is this, DH likes to say "my poor son" It's all I hear on a daily basis when he get reports about things going on at moms house however he has yet to ask BM what the name of SS therapist is so he can call and hear the diagnosis for himself instead of her version nor has he asked what type of ADHD meds SS was recently put on. I also told him that he should contact SS school as well as DHS to inquire as to what is going on there as well, he says he will but doesn't.

The court granted him50/50 custody yet he insist on not doing anything with it and it makes me angry, it makes him look like he just really doesnt care. Maybe he doesn't and is just acting like he does I don't know, But i think if he says My Poor Son one more time to me I am going to sream!

I know I need to step back and just let him parent the way he wants which is the complete opposite of the way I parented my own grown kids. 

He is in complete denial about SS having ADHD My son had ADHD and SS is just like he was at 10 years old. Apparently he was was put on medication but since he hasn't bother to ask BM what kind we don't know. 

DH either needs to step up and start being a concerned parent or stop whinning about the way BM is raising his son and their living conditions. I'm going to stop asking about him. 


SeeYouNever's picture

I would definitely stop asking and take a step back. If your DH starts on about his son then say something like "I don't want to hear you complain anymore unless you do something to change the situation."

Both my DH and I have used that line on our own mother's who would rather complain than change the thing they were complaining about. It works if you just cut them off and refuse to be involved in a conversation about anything that isn't a solution.

Winterglow's picture

My mother used that technique - "What have you done to change the situation?" When we answered "Nothing (yet)" we were told to go and try to fix it first and THEN come back and talk to her.  It's very efficient. Smile

Steppedonnomore's picture

If I were you, the next time DH says, "my poor son," I'd be tempted to say, "Yes, your poor son; neither bio parent really gives a flying flip about him, poor boy!" 

purplegirl201's picture

Sometimes I feel like I care and worry about SS more than he does. I'd like nothing more that to call DHS to find out who the case worker is, or to all his school and see how his behavior is since all we ever hear is that he is a problem, or call his therapist and ask about his diagnosis or medication but I can't becaue I am NOT his parent. 

I'm very disapointed in my DH when it comes to this subject. *sad*

futurobrillante99's picture

I would be tempted to say, "Yes. Poor SS. If ONLY SOMEONE cared enough to protect him or fight for him. It's sad." Then walk away.

ESMOD's picture

Have you ever plainly told him what you are telling us?

I mean, you don't have to say it in a totally crappy way.. but maybe he needs to hear it spelled out?

Hey,  I feel bad for SS too.. he seems to be struggling for a variety of reasons... but you know what is really frustrating?  The fact that despite you having 50/50 custody you do zero follow up regarding the things that you should be interested in regarding your son.  You don't follow up with his health/mental health care providers to understand his diagnosis and treatment.  You don't follow up with DHS regarding the extremely troubling allegations that he is suffering abuse at your Ex's home.  You don't follow up with his school about ways you could help him be more successful there either.  I don't know why you don't feel that it is your place to get involved in your son's life in the most important areas.  It absolutely is your business and I think you are doing your son a great disservice to be so uninvolved.  So, please, don't talk about "poor SS" as if he is some random abuse case on the news.. he is your son and he needs and deserves for you to be an active participant in his life. 

purplegirl201's picture

I have told him a few times that he needs to be more involved, it was embarrasing at court when he was asked simple questions regarding SS dr's and their names or how he was doing in school and he knew nothing. I had a list of the phone numbers he needed DHS and school and after he refused to look at it when he was off of work for 2 days becaue of the weather i threw it out, he has yet to notice it is missing. 

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll supposedly tried to overdose and DH doesnt want to "cause problems". This was while Munchkin Sd14 was there during her week with the BM.

Is because it would be too expensive to fight for fully custody.

ndc's picture

That would drive me nuts.  Either it's a problem, in which case he should be actively doing something about it, or it's not a problem, in which case he shouldn't be whining about it.  I agree with the prior posters - when he starts in on his poor son, ask him what he is doing to make his poor son's situation better and walk away.  

When you say he has 50% custody, do you mean legal or physical?

purplegirl201's picture

Court awarded each 50/50 BMm has physical custody during school year and we have physical during summer non school months, also states that he has the right to be consulted and notified in regard to all issues regarding health and school. 

Harry's picture

DH is not going to take care of SS. He doesn't want him around, or he would do the 50/50 custody.   If you get more involved in this YOU will be taking care of SS. 24/7/365.  SS still loves BM. So what you do, everything will be your fault. 
just agree with DH. Poor son. And disengage from all of this 

or you will be taking care of SS and DH will be fishing, BM will be on vacation to all you can drink place 

queensway's picture

OMG this is terrible.Your husband needs to step up. A parents job is to protect their child.

tog redux's picture

So your DH has joint custody, but he's the Non-custodial parent, in a sense, because BM has the kid most of the time. Lots of men with this set up leave all parenting decisions to the mother. So that's not unusual - but if he chooses to do that, he needs to zip it about what decisions she makes.

purplegirl201's picture

Yes, and the kicker is that the custodial agreement is new. He went after full custody a few months back when he was receiving reports that BM was not parenting correctly. We hired the lawyer and $3700 later he has a custody and visitation agreement. I actually liked it better before the custody agreement becasue BM was dropping SS off and now we have to drive over an hour to meet her at a WAWA to pick him up and drop him off. I don't know what he would have done had he actually been given primary custody. I guess I'd be the one raising him. 

BM called to tell DH that SS was being put on ADHD and that he was having virtual therapy. I said what kind of meds is he on..I don't know I didn't ask. I said why didn't you ask you need to know,  he said nothing.

I'm going to stop asking about SS all together. I'm getting way to frustrated at his lack of concern and I shouldn't care more than he does.


justmakingthebest's picture

Like some of the others have said- I would be very blunt and the next time he says "poor kid" I would unload on him and tell him that it is his fault that he isn't doing anything to get SS to safety or even contact the case worker to see what is really going on. That he is being a failure as a parent too! Step up and actually DO SOMETHING!

queensway's picture

THIS. Wt! man up. Geez it is his child. Look if someone hurt my child, well game over! I would be in jail!

justmakingthebest's picture


Survivingstephell's picture

BM is going to mess this kid up and drop him off for his father to "handle".  IMO that's what this stepmom is looking at.  This has big hot mess written all over it.