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I GIVE UP

purplegirl201's picture

SS has been with us since right before Thanksgiving. He is learning virtually for now and is scheduled to start in school learing on January 4.

Virtual learning has been a struggle for me. I am working from home so DH thinks that I can over see everything which I can however SS doesn't want to be in school virtual or classroom and does everything he can to not have to log in, he stays up all night playing video games becasue DH doesn't tell him to go to bed. He hasn't actually done homework on the assigned day becasue he always says he doesn't have any and I find out when I hear the teacher ask for it, he mutes the laptop at times so I can't hear what is going on, and spends a lot of time wondering around the house when he clearly should be at class.

He is also supposed to be taking medication for ADHD, DH feels that it is not neccessary so SS hasn't taken it since he has been here, I think DH needs to rethink that. 

I am growing quite irritated with DH becasue now all of a sudden it is my responsibility to make sure that SS does all of his homework. Why should he, BM and DH have never given SS any reason to need to do anything. There are never any consequences for what he does or doesn't do. DH thinks that everything his son does is wonderful and funny and special, Yeah OK. 

My DH has this mentality that everyone is an idiot except him and his child and I'm getting tired of it. I can't WAIT for this kid to go back home so I can have somemuch need quiet time. I love my SS but DH has a different way of parenting if you call it that and he isn't doing his son any favors by not enforcing bouderies and rules. School is only going to get harder and if he is given the impression that what he is doing is acceptable he is going to have big problems.

DH seems to think that when I try to say anything about SS that I am picking on him. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

No way in hell would I agree to oversee the kid's schooling. Tell DH you are done and ignore it all. If he won't make his kid sleep or take his meds, he can deal with the consequences of that himself. Either the kid deals with school on his own or he can go to BM's. Your DH sounds very narcissistic. 
 

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Well alrighty then. Since you DH thinks "that everyone is an idiot except him and his child", you are obviously not qualified to oversee SS's schooling. Meaning your 'D'H needs to stay home and play school teacher. 

With his crap attitude, I'd be done with a lot more than the virtual learning. 

Winterglow's picture

Your dh is an idiot. You work from home, you do not have the time to take care of his kid. Tell him that you can't do it anymore and he can take him to work with him. Dammit! You could lose your job because you are babysitting his kid! NO!! His kid is HIS problem, not yours. 

ChairmanMao's picture

Assuming you love DH and want to stay married, I would agree with everyone above. Politely tell him this is not your responsibility. You can't fix the hole in the boat if they keep adding new holes! I have a very similar situation with my SD and her parents not setting rules and boundaries. She decided she hates me because I'm the only one who has realistic expectations for her and enforces them--if you can avoid becoming this person, your life will be easier.

I'm working on disengaging with my SD or even having an opinion about how DH and BM parent. Knowing it effects me, I'm just hoping to focus on what I'm comfortable with in my own life and not letting the rest impact me. 

Hope they can figure it out and you can get some peace! 

justmakingthebest's picture

Everyone else has already said it. Your DH isn't considering you at all and that needs to stop. Ss has 2 parents and you aren't a paid tutor or nanny. They need to figure this crap out and leave you out if it, especially if neither of them backs you up and respects you.

Harry's picture

Let your DH and the BM babysit SS.  It's the parent responsibility for taking care of there kids,  part of that responsibility is schooling.  SS should go back to BM for schooling.  Or DH should find some caretaker to do SS lessons. Not YOU.!

Ulsess you stand up for yourself, it will never end 

Wilhelm's picture

The difference between taking adhd medication that has been subscribed and not taking can be remarkable.

I taught a child age 11 who went from being unable to tell me the answer to simple arithmetic like 4+3 to doing age appropriate work with medication. He excelled at maths in high school.

It will be an uphill battle to get this child to learn if he can not sit still and concentrate.

purplegirl201's picture

My son now 21 was on ADHD meds from age 7 - 15 when he asked to come off of them. My SS is exactly the way my own DS was. Apparently the school told BM that she had to do something with him becasue he was TOO disruptive in class. DH doesn't want to believe that his son has ADHD and says he has ants in his pants or is just an active little boy when it is so much more than that. 

He doesn't understand that he is doing more harm to his son than good.

notarelative's picture

he stays up all night playing video games becasue DH doesn't tell him to go to bed.

A parent who allows his child to stay up all night playing video games is setting his child up for failure in school the next day. 
 

He hasn't actually done homework on the assigned day becasue he always says he doesn't have any 

A child who wants to play video games all night will never say they have homework.

Your biggest problem is DH. SS is 10. There is no reason DH can't log in and check if there is actually homework. SS is 10. There is no reason DH can't remove the gaming system until schoolwork is finished. DH can either start parenting now or prepare to watch his precious child fail in life. 

Maxwell09's picture

The best thing I've learned here was that a stepparent can't parent a skid more than their own BioParent. It will always backfire. You have to set boundaries and stick to them. I know its so easy to want to help especially if its just something easy you can take care of for your spouse but too often a stepparent will volunteer out the goodness of their heart and then all of a sudden its becomes their job. 

Reset your boundaries with your DH. Tell him if you are going to be stuck monitering SS's at home learning then he needs to work with you when you ask. He needs to make sure SS is up and ready for Virtual school, he needs to make sure SS gets his medications so he will be ready to sit and participate in the work and most of all he (DH) needs to be ready to dish out consequences with SS doesn't want to complete what he needs to complete by the time your DH walks in the door from work in the evenings. Explain to your DH that SS not taking his medicine makes him fidget and struggle through his class and work which also makes him not want to do it (nobody wants to continue to do something they suck at) especially when SS knows he has something more fun (games) waiting for him. Have your DH confront SS about some new standards. SS should get up at a decent time for Virtual school, SS needs to take his meds and participate in class, SS needs to complete all assignments and homework before DH gets home and your DH needs to put a password on the internet that keeps SS off the games in during the times he should be sleeping and doing his work. If he can't do these things for you then he can take SS to work with him and let him do his school work there...

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I wouldn't even have the discussion with DH. I would just commit to not waking SS up, checking or monitoring his schooling. If and when DH says anything my response would be " I don't know, he's your kid, you tell me what he is doing I'm school."

purplegirl201's picture

I am totally fed up with both of them.

I sat DH down and told him my concerns about SS.It was like talking to a wall.

I told him I was pretty sure that SS skipped a class, I find it hard to belive that the the teacher just didn't show up. I told him I was tired of picking up trash and dirty dishes from all ove the house and i was especially tired of SS making snacks or sandwhiches and not putting anything away. I emphasized that I am WORKING from home and that I have work that needs to get done and that right now I feel like a babysitter. As I write this SS is rolling aroung the kitchen on a stool after being told to STOP and look at his Chromebook 3 times. I am at the point where I don't give a F**K what he does. My DH is delusional when it comes to his son. He was home 2 days last week and always found soemthing else to do other than staying at home and overseeing his child in class. 

WTF this sucks .

Winterglow's picture

Just drop it completely. If he can't be bothered spending time with his son, neither can you. Secondly, when he comes home from work, show him the mayhem caused by his kid and tell him to clean it up - his son, his mess - because you're not living in a pig sty any more. 

Keep on not giving a F. If the kid fails in school it's because his parents let him down. You are not one of his parents.