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Just needed a space- really struggling

Littlemama29's picture

This is my first time posting, I just needed a space to vent. Please don't be mean, I've been on Mumsnet recently (first and last time) and while most replies I got felt supportive the few that weren't really got to me. And yes I know- how niaeve to go online and expect everyone to be nice. But if I hear the line "but you knew he had kids before you got together though." I think I'll have a nervous breakdown. 

My story is a very long, very difficult and very complicated one which I don't want to get into until I feel more comfortable but really I'm here because I'm at the end of my tether and I'm just desperate to talk to someone who's been through/ going through something similar. 
A basic background- 5 years ago I met and fell completely head over heels for a lovely man (he is a good man let me just state this now.) - 17 years my senior. He had two boys to his ex-wife, at the time he didn't see them and was going through a horrific custody battle, which I was fully supportive of. Eventually he was back in touch with his youngest- J- (his oldest still doesn't see him). He saw him weekends and holidays. At the start things were fine between us all, even when a few years down the line I gave birth to our son J was ok with it. But at around my sons first birthday J decided he didn't want to see us anymore. From then on we've seen him sparatically- he's lived with us full time for weeks at a time, or at his mums and hasn't spoken to us at all. I do care about J- let's us get that clear at the start.He's had a complicated and difficult childhood and as a result he has many, many serious mental/emotional and behavioural issues. He is very immature although believes himself to be an adult (he's now 12) so doesn't respect me or his Dad. He is self-entitled, a liar ( who has made up vile things about me in the past), he is manipulative, controlling and has had violent outbursts. 
For the most part things are civil between J and I on a day to day basis. But truthfully I wish more than anything he was still with his mum- I'm resentful towards him and have never forgiven him for all he's put me and partner though. My family and friends try their best with him but they secretly can't bare it either knowing the things he's done to us. 
His mum- and here we go playing into the stereotype of a "new young wife", is not a good person, she is posionous. She has literally abandoned him several times, made up vicious and dangerous lies (one resulting in a police interview) about my partner and constantly puts her own gain and personal grudges above the well-being of her son. (My partner left her- but long before we met.) 

Hes now been living with us full time since Oct 2019, he has seen his mum a handful of times and she's made no effort to see him. He has no social skills and therefore no friends so literally spends every weekend with us. He expects us to entertain him every night, when after running around after two small children all day I'm exhausted and just want at least an hour with my partner to watch shit adult TV and talk about whatever the hell we want without child filters.
I've struggled, I've really bloody struggled with his presence, my feeling towards him, his self-entiltilemnet and his behaviour. I've been a teacher for 6 years now and I've never met a more difficult child. 
I've felt at my lowest, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just so sad all the time. I've lost who I am and as a result I'm not the best mum I should be to my own kids who are missing out. 
 

And now, here we are, COVID19 is here and the UK is almost 2 weeks into lockdown. It's horrific and yes I know it should put things into perspective but all being in the house together is just magnifying things and I'm not coping. At least when he was at school I got a break. 

I love my partner- sometimes I think I've loved him too much for my own good. But I don't think I love him enough to put up with this ( I had these thoughts even before lockdown.) I think if I stay I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. 
 

And I really hope this place isn't like this but before I get a barrage of criticism- 

1. I know it's not and fault he is the way he is, he's a result of an insecure upbringing. 
2. Him living with us full time was NEVER on the cards. I can't even express enough how much this was never a remote possibility. 
3. I have sacrificed so much for my partner and for J. Normal experiences I should have had and yes I'm resentful. 
4. Yes I knew my partner had baggage when I met him but never the extent of what it's been like and honestly, sometimes I hate him for letting me get in so deep when I was so young and he knew how crazy his baggage was. 
5. I don't want to be a single mum. I don't want that for my kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world but I did so with love, hope optimism and, I hate to say naivety. 

 

I don't know what to do. 
Sorry I just needed to vent. 

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

Your kids need a happy healthy mom more than they need a "married" mom.

Long term stress is horribble, not only for your emotional health, but your physical health as well. 

Love is not enough.

Littlemama29's picture

Hi SteppedOut, 

Thankyou for your kind words and taking time to reply. it really is so appreciated. Literally everything you said is so true. It's just hard thinking about acting upon it in reality. 
Thank you. X 

Harry's picture

This kid needs professional help.  Like lots of help.  Letting this kid just hang around the house needing to be entertain every night is not the way to raise or parent a child.   You must get your DH get this kid to someone to help him to become a person.  This kid is on the road to never leave your home. How can he 

Littlemama29's picture

Hi Harry,

thanks for your support and taking the time to reply. The line you wrote; 'the kid is on the road to never leave your house.' I have expressed this fear to my partner so many times but he just thinks I'm taking the piss so to hear it validated means so much, thank you x

Iamwoman's picture

Welcome to StepTalk Littlemama29!

I'd say sites like Mumsnet are for SM's who have normal parenting issues, such as how to get a child to brush their teeth nightly without constant reminders.

Biomoms never want to accept their failures as a parent, so blaming the SM, or even making passive aggressive comments random SM's online makes them feel self righteous in their own sick little ways.

It sounds like you've given your all.

What is your DH doing to discipline SS12? What is DH doing to enforce "adult only time" in your home? What is your DH doing to enforce respect for you from SS12, and to make you - his wife - feel safe and secure and happy?

Is DH putting you first or putting SS first?

Spouses need to put each other first, regardless of baggage and past relationships. Putting a child first is a recipe for disaster to all parties, especially the child.

I can't urge you strongly enough to read the forums on disengagement. It sounds like you need to disengage.

I agree with you that you were young, naive, and taken advantage of. I would guess that your DH agreed to have a child with you in order to keep you around. He certainly doesn't seem to be doing anything else, parenting-wise, to keep you happy and keep you around...

Take care of you and yours during this quarantine.

Try to ignore SS. If SS comes to you for anything at all, defer him to DH. "Good question. Go ask your dad." Is a line I used constantly with skids when I started disengagement. It works so well, that eventually skids don't approach you for anything because they know what you'll say.

If you are playing with you bio child, and SS interferes, you can tell him, "It's just as important for you to spend alone time with your dad, as it is for me to spend alone time with my own biological child. This is my time with bio child. Go play with your dad."  If dad won't play with SS12, and SS12 returns to you, "I'm very sorry for your troubles SS12, but I thought I made myself very clear. This is my alone time with bio child." If he acts up, call for you husband to come handle him.

If your DH tries to defend SS, tell DH that you aren't the one creating a problem here, and to please leave you out of this father son dispute.

1dad4kids's picture

I didn't read all the comments so I apologize if this has been tackled before. 

My SS10 has ADHD and he doesn't have much of a social life either. He can be distracted with computer games or shows for a time, but he much prefers our company. He paces the house waiting to be entertained or given something to do. As a result he has chores and a schedule. If we all have free time and my husband and I are planning to watch a show together, we will tell him to entertain himself. Play in his room, watch a show, read a book, go outside. 

It is perfectly acceptable to ask for space. Just because they are children doesn't mean they need to be with you all the time. I send my bio kid away to entertain herself too. It's not only good for you, but essential for their own development. Children who constantly need someone else to entertain them have trouble doing independent work in school, and later in their careers. 

If you want an hour to watch a trash show and talk adult, then take the hour. Have your husband tell him to entertain himself if you think that will be more effective. 

Good luck!