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I'm just about done...

AmyJones88's picture

Well, I finally did it. I finally stormed out and came to stay at my mum's house for the most needed relationship break ever. Not a great position to be in, in my adult life, but it's a damn site better than what I've been putting up with. I'm hoping someone else has got to this point, recently or previously in a relationship so that someone can offer some advice or support-  I am so close to walking out for good now. Today I approached my SO about the fact I've been feeling anxious for weeks because of his constant unwarranted bad moods. He goes from happy to miserable and back again every 20 minutes and I have started feeling worried even hearing him get out of bed in the morning because I have no idea who is going to come down the stairs. This was met to zero understanding. I get that I probably should be better at not letting his mood affect me, but we are in a smallll house, with only his awful awful child for other company, and I am the only one around who takes the brunt of his moods and stresses. He's stressed that he has no money, but he hasnt got a job. He's stressed that SS's bio mum is taking him on a holiday, and he can't afford to- yet, still is aiming for way way way out of his league jobs which he knows he isn't qualified for. I just don't know how much longer I can keep excusing this bullshit for. He told me today that he's miserable because he's bored, all we do is "watch tv every evening." Yes. We do. Like everyone else who is sat in lockdown with no other options. Everything we've ever done together, anywhere we've gone, I have planned and payed for and arranged and he has the gall, the nerve, the audacity to say that he's bored because I don't change things up enough?!? Just to add to his constant bad moods, he's constantly trying to compete with SS's bio mum, anything she does he wants to do better, and then gets annoyed because he doesn't have the finances to out-do her. Everything has got exhausting to put up with. I've tried to discuss that my boyfriend might have depression, he shuts it down and says it's all just 'life stress' which, if thats the case, is this forever then? I asked him that and he responded "I hope not." So he can't even guarantee me that these moods are a blip and they'll go away. He's just accepted that he's a miserable person. I have tried so hard to make him happy, everything I ever do I think about him and he is a genuinely kind person who loves me utterly, but it's just not enough anymore. How can you love someone and still take your bad moods out on them 24/7? Things are great 20% of the time and the other 80% they're awful. I have tried and tried to bond with his son but his behaviour is getting worse by the week and he's unbearable to be around. I'm struggling to see that there's any way back from all of these problems, it just seems a shame to throw it all away.

JRI's picture

You have been blogging about this relationship for months.  He is a poor parent, he is unemployed and not looking for realistic full-time jobs and he is moody.  He is in a weird competitive with BM that is probably damaging his child who you dislike   He sounds depressed but is unwilling to get help.

I cant think of one positive aspect to this relationship.  Why would you want to go back?  He might love you but you've lost respect for him.

I congratulate you for taking the first, good step to change your life for the better.  Give yourself some time to figure out the safest way to get your stuff out.  Better, much better, days are ahead.  Good luck!

The Neverending Story's picture

I have tried so hard to make him happy, everything I ever do I think about him and he is a genuinely kind person who loves me utterly, but it's just not enough anymore. How can you love someone and still take your bad moods out on them 24/7? Things are great 20% of the time and the other 80% they're awful.

1) People are responsible for their own happiness. We cannot make someone else happy. We can do nice things for others, which can show we care about them,  BUT doing things for someone else is not going to make them happy. 

2) You say he is genuinely kind and loves you utterly. When is he showing you that???? When is he doing anything kind for you???? During the 20% of the time things are fine???? This makes up for the 80% of the time things are not fine????

3) We've all dealt with the craziness of the pandemic and lockdowns. Yes its caused serious amounts of boredom, many struggle with the depression and anxiety that comes from the new normal. AGAIN, something we cannot fix or be responsible for others. I've had to find ways to stay active, new hobbies, etc. We've all had to deal with it, does not make it ok for him to act like a jerk.

4) He does not work, puts responsibility for his happiness and boredom on you to fix, has resigned himself to being miserable. You are unhappy in this situation. His child is driving you nuts and very likely reacting to your partners bad moods.

5) Things are so bad you've gone to stay with family. Why go back??? What is going to be any better????

6) Don't go back!!!! Get your stuff outta the house and move on with your life.


DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I have been in a similar situation and wasted a few years of my life. I certainly wouldn’t encourage anyone to stay. 

It turned out my ex husband was a miserable grumpy mean so and so and I had just been too naive to see it. I hadn’t had many relationships before I met him. 

Sometimes leaving a relationship is completely heart wrenching with a lot of ‘if only that hadn’t of happened’. 

If it’s gotten to the point where you can’t bear to bear in the same room as him a lot of the time it’s advisable  to at least take a short break from being around him to protect your own mental health or he will drag you down too. So you definitely did the right thing - if he doesn’t look after you emotionally and you have to look after yourself in that respect - can you see that ever changing? 

My ex was an energy vampire that could only process his own emotions and needs. And a possible narcissist.