Showed up at work...
So thank you to everyone's responses on my last blog. I want you all to know I took the time to read them, and frankly I'm doing some research on divorce proceedings here... There is a legal seperation option, but the more he pushes, the more I really feel maybe it's just time to cut ties from all the crazy... The longer I've been away, the more I've realized how unhealthy the situation has been... An dhow unhealthy it will continue to be... I don't believe his "changes." I want to, but I don't... I'll miss the girls dearly, but I cna't stay in a bad situation solely for that... None of this is final... And I have to save up a bit and figure out proceedings from here... Really hoping he'll go uncontested on it and just sign to make it cheaper and easier, he can even keep the majority of everything... I only need a few things, and it's mainly just my stuff, and the bed I LOVE in the garage. I already have a lot of the necessities out of the house.
I do think eventaully I'll move on, but I don't have the resources currently... So I'll be stuck here for a while to ensure I od'nt default on anything or lose my car. He's already screwed a lot of other things, my credit WON'T be one of them. period.
Part of what really pushed me over the edge today. I told him after the last "gift at work" fiasco. That it was a DEFINITE no go. And not to come to my work. Naturally he showed up again today... Sent me a text asying he'd "just leave stuff on my car if I didnt' come out." So I went out, because last thing I need is s*** appearing on my car. There are already going to be rumors, I didn't want to deal with more. He tried to give me more flowers... I told him to take them and go and that none of this was okay...
I feel like it's a swirling spiral... He then started asking what car was coworkers, I told him to knock it off. Thankfully he left then... But it doesn't seem good to me... UGH
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Sending you virtual hugs PAI!
Sending you virtual hugs PAI!
It's apparent he's not respecting your wishes. He's going to your job after you told him not to and showering you with "sorry gifts". What happened to all this when he did have you? He took you for granted and now he's so desperate that he has no idea what to do with himself but insists on violating your boundaries yet again. In situations like this I'd cut off communication UNLESS you have to address something like your personal valuables, paperwork, etc....anything else is just entertaining his dysfunction.
You need time and space to heal so him popping up with these sorry @ss gifts is a no go. He needs to stop and respect you.
Wishing you healing!
Since I am watching kids
Since I am watching kids tonight, I'm going to pack up more stuff in my car and start the process of being more permenantly moved out... I think it's a smarter choice.
He is overstepping things... I mean he!!, when we were talking, one of the things I told him was that I didn't like the lack of boundaries. So here he comes, running all over them.
Why are you watching the kids
Why are you watching the kids tonight?
I volunteered to watch them
I volunteered to watch them for a bit as long as he's nowhere near the house. Plus it gives me an opportunity when he's away to pack some more of my stuff and move it.
It is a good opportunity to
It is a good opportunity to get your stuff, but I would not make this a habit, for everyone's sake.
Tell him next time he shows
Tell him next time he shows up, you will call the cops on him. It's not okay, and it will stop, either by his own choosing or a courts. The choice is his.
In his mind, you left him for coworker. There is no way that you two aren't together. Don't be surprised if he comes back with "okay, now that you've cheated on me, we're even and can move on so come home." He can't see beyond himself and what he would do.
I'm still so sorry that he is acting like a child. It's unfortunate how many of us have gone through it, but we're still here for you.
He already tried some of that
He already tried some of that... Told me that if I was "unfaithful or just out for revenge, just to tell him and we'll work through it.
And that's when your response
And that's when your response is divorce papers sent via sheriff. There is no amount of telling him you didn't cheat, or aren't cheating. He has made up his mind.
THink there's any shot at a
THink there's any shot at a cheap and amicable divorce? Or should I just give up on that and find a lawyer?
I think there's a good shot
I think there's a good shot at a cheap, amicable divorce. What do you have to fight over? There are no children, so no custody or support issues to deal with. You're both employed, you helped him through school and you haven't been married for many years, so him getting alimony from you isn't going to happen, and it doesn't sound like you want it from him. It sounds like you're willing to give him a good deal on the split of assets in order to get out. You have grounds for a fault divorce, but you could do no-fault. The only problem I can foresee is his unwillingness to accept that you're leaving and just sign. However, I can't imagine he wants to drag things out once he gets it through his thick skull that you're not coming back, because that will delay him in finding the next woman who will take care of his children, pay his expenses and make his life easier. I would imagine that if you can come to an agreement with him you could get a lawyer to process the divorce relatively cheaply.
That said, based on what you're posting, my inclination would be to serve him with papers and ask for a restraining order since he's stalking you and coming to your workplace against your wishes.
XH and I filed without an
XH and I filed without an attorney. We didn't have shared property (minus cars that we took care of ourselves later), no kids, etc. I took the bulk of the joint debt, but it was worth it to not fight.
Best $125 ever spent.
We don't have joint cars even
We don't have joint cars even... Only thing joint is the lease agreement. And that's month by month basis with a 30 day cancellation notification. So I may be on hook nex tmonth, but after that, I think I can get away from it even.
If I were you, I'd let your
If I were you, I'd let your landlord know that you have moved out and would like to terminate your rental agreement when it is up to be renewed. If you're just paying month-to-month, that's even better because you won't be on the hook past this next month. And if you are renting from a person and not a company, they may let you out of it today since your DH is still in the house (maybe, maybe not).
I do think you need to take a legal step - whether that be a legal separation or divorce - soon so that your DH can't eff you over.
It's month to month. So I may
It's month to month. So I may be able to be off the hook after next month. Which will be AMAZING (and also free up some income... Since I'm paying rent and helping with utilities at coworker's).
I agree. Completely.
I agree 100% with LD. He has
I agree 100% with LD. He has already established that he has not a lick of financial sense and he's willing to live well beyond his means. Give him as little time as possible to rack up debts or cause financial problems before you file. Heck, not long ago he was ready to use your money to buy Christmas presents!
He just doesn't get it, does
He just doesn't get it, does he?
I have never liked your DH.
I have never liked your DH. So sorry you are going through this. I hate to see marriages end, but once he cheated…all bets were off.
I do have to ask because I am extremely nosey…lol. Is the co-worker more than a friend? Or does it look to be going that way. I would not blame you because your DH is a jerk. Just be careful of getting too close, so soon, to another man.
That's what I keep thinking..
That's what I keep thinking... In theory this has been dead over a year... When he decided to cheat last August, he killed us.
No. He's very sweet and he's cute, but I have ZERO interest in being in another kind of relationship, I'm too exhausted from trying to get out of this one. Plus morally I won't even think of something else unless I have signed divorce papers... LOL Not too nosey. I'd be curious too
Everyone has already said
Everyone has already said everything I would have said. I am just glad you are seeing everything for what it is and staying strong.
We are all here to support you, even if it is just through the computer screen!
PA, can you find a storage
PA, can you find a storage facility for the things you want? A small unit should be fairly inexpensive and would hold that bed. I feel that you need to get the things you want ASAP. Once he gets in through his thick skull that you're NOT coming back, I believe he'll start destroying your things.
I'm sorry he's being such a freaking arsehole. Please, please, please be careful, sweetness. xoxo
Agree. Once/if you decide you
Agree. Once/if you decide you are not going back and he realizes it, things will change fast.
Very true! Been through that
Very true! Been through that! Once they realize they have lost you for good they will be even more crazy and self centered and take things they feel they deserve even if they belong to you. They will also try to make you look like the bad guy....which it looks like he is already trying to do with trying to figure out the co-worker's car....you will be the reason that this marriage ended. Not him cheating and taking you for granted. I went through this with my older son's father. I just got to a point where I didn't care what anyone we knew thought and if they wanted to believe him that was fine. However, I quickly learned that even after him portraying me as the bad guy everyone we knew mutually still supported me....even his own family....
Yes, they can! I After psycho
Yes, they can! I After psycho exh beat the dayllights out of me, I had to have a police escort to retrieve my belongings. The only clothes I had were the ones I'd worn when he beat the crap out of me and they were bloody and torn. My suede jacket was also ripped to shreds from psycho exh throwing me into the dining room. I hit a chair and the back broke and ripped the back of my jacket. But that jacket kept me from getting serious cuts/splinters in my flesh.
When we went to the house for my things, I was wearing my brother's clothes: sweatpants, a tee, and a sweatjacket. We opened the front door to a YUGE paper banner over the entire doorway that the police had to tear through. Psycho exh had taken a blowtorch and cut his wedding ring in half, and attached it to the banner that said, "This ring is like our marriage. YOU BROKE IT."
The house looked like a tornado had blasted through it. All of my clothes were in the bathtub, soaking in bleach water. ALL of my clothes. Jeans, shirts, pajamas, bras, panties, work clothes....even my SHOES. The things that had been in the laundry room were in there, too. My brother took me shopping for new clothes.
He did this in a few short hours.
Omg Aniki! *shok*
Omg Aniki! *shok*
Every time you tell your story
Every time you tell your story, my heart breaks for you. I don't remember reading about him destroying your belongings in addition to your body - he is a truly evil person. I am so glad you survived and made a great life for yourself. Your words are always so wise.
Oh, please don't feel that
Oh, please don't feel that way! I Yes, it's an ugly story, but I will share it again and again if it will help someone.
I am not a victim. I am a survivor.
I don't believe I mentioned the clothes thing before. Typically, posters are in a situation that screams Abuse and I post about the mental/physical abuse, the stalking, and the physical violence. OP - in my opinion - is in a precarious position and her H is showing signs of manic instability because he's not getting what he wants. If she does decide to divorce him, it's quite possible he will lash out in some way like my psycho exh did. I want her to be aware that it could happen. We never think it will happen to us. Until it does.
I can. My mom already offered
I can. My mom already offered to help me pay for one for now. So I'm going to look this week and see what I can find. I don't have much, but I'd like to keep the little I DO have safe.
Yikes - this is stalking.
Yikes - this is stalking. You may need a restraining order.
Be Careful--Take this seriously
Statistics prove that this is the most dangerous time for a woman leaving a relationship. Even if he has never been violent towards you before, take precautions. A restraining order is a good start, but it is only a piece of paper. Keep mace or wasp spray handy. Don't let him within 2 arms length of you. Do NOT meet him alone, do not get into a car with him. Refuse all gifts at work, change your work extension, let everyone know he is not to be let in the door.
Close your existing bank accounts and credit cards. Open all new ones. Change banks even. Change all passwords, take your social media offline or close the accounts and make a new, private one under a fake name.
Get ALL of your important papers and things out in one trip. Leave the rest. Your safety is much more important. He may panic when he realizes you are leaving, not 'mean to hurt you' but that's how women wind up dead or badly injured.
Google 'grey rock' theory. Seek help at a women's DV center. I know, I've been through this. It's been over 10 years and the thought of my ex bf being in the same room still scares me.
Please be careful, and advise your coworker to be careful too.
Please be careful, and advise your coworker to be careful too. Your DH could easily become angry and dangerous and he may go after your coworker as well as you. As you said, he believes there is something going on between the two of you and nothing you say is going to change his mind.
I have never like your DH since he didn't help you when your dog was killed. I have always felt like he took advantage of you. You are very much a "care-taker" - now is the time to take care of yourself first.
I'm so very sorry all of this
I'm so very sorry all of this craziness is going on. How utterly tone deaf can he be using those tactics to 'win you back'? OMG.
He's either not very bright or just incredibly selfish....It's good to be cautious. Anyone can flip out. If he hasn't shown signs of abuse in anyway, my head wouldn't go in that direction, but in ANY relationship an ending can escalate behaviors people normally wouldn't do. Sending you hugs.
Thinking of you PA... Update?
Dear PA, please post an update & let us know if you're okay. Been thinking about you & hoping you are safe.
/careAboutSteptalkPeepsLeavingCreepyJerks