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Being Hated

princessandthepee's picture

I'm trying to abeit the ways I am hated by pee. It's not easy. He's now 17, he was 14, barely, when I met him and his sister, princess. I've slowly come to realize that I don't feel good about myself when I successfully disengage from his atroticious kids.
I don't desire a relationship with either of them. Nor do I desire to allow their bad character and behavior to have enough power over me to back me into a corner (disengagement).
My lovely husband and I are not on the best of terms tonight. I've been stewing about pee for some time now, and I've been waiting for him to ask me about it. Is he so honestly hurt by my reality of "Honey, no, I'm not feeling close and intimate to you right now, maybe tomorrow" that he has not once had the over riding urge to ask me how I am feeling about the ravages pee sprays across our lives? He hasn't, as evidenced by the fact that he has not asked. During our discussion tonight he attempted to propose that he doesn't check in with me because I let him know (i.e., bitch) about how I'm feeling in regard to pee.
He doesn't know the half of it and he is trying to not know any more than he already does. He can't tolerate hearing my day to day experience of living with a junior sociopath. Yes, pee is his son. I hope to God I am never in the position my husband is in when my loving and open sons are teens. I hope they do not lose those key characteristics. I hope they never experience life as a constant source of pain and disappointment the way I know pee does.
I live with a violent male teenager. He is verbally cruel and aggressive ("Fuck you!") whenever he doesn't get his way, when he views his father, and me through his father as standing in the way of his immediate gratification. He steals money from the house and pawns items from the house for more cash. My sons have finally accepted he will not speak to them; it is a social mystery to them, they've never encountered a person who just doesn't simply have a greeting to return to them or a response to conversation they attempt. They don't try that anymore.
My spouse does not believe he can stop my sons walking around the main floor and wondering what the foul smell from the basement is (pee smoking pot). I don't know of anyone who cannot ever keep a bottle of wine or champagne in the fridge because should pee ever see alcohol in the house, he absconds into his room with it straight away.
I am tired of new holes being punched through the sheetrock of the walls of the house I poured my soul into designing and building with my ex while I was pregnant with my oldest child. That was twelve years ago and I fought like hell to keep this house and my sons' stability intact while my ex was bent on eradicating everything familiar to them and me, everything stable my children had ever known, including me.
It is such a gross affront to me not so much that his children act out their pain and rage upon what my house is and what it represents to them, but rather that my spouse allows it.
It is not possible to feel safe, loving and open with him (my spouse) when for years now pee has abused everyone in this house on all levels, and he is rewarded by receiving every goddamn mutherfucking thing he wants. If his hand isn't stretched out to steal from us, it's aimed at my husband until my husband pulls out his wallet. To buy peace.
Makes me sick.
I remind myself life is a rose garden. It has its unbearable beauty and its immediate bloody pain when you get too close to happiness. It's all about perspective and human emotions are the single most powerful thing that interferes with perspective.
So, we're left with intuition? I don't know.
I know I'm in for a few more years of pee's fucked up behavior, pee's rage, and my spouse's effort to calm him like spreading frosting over a ruined cake.
Stand by your man because men are idiots? I don't know.


Kes's picture

I can identify with a lot of what you are talking about - my SDs hate me, and although their behaviour is not as bad as Pee's my DH appeases them with treats and trips. He has a desperate need to have them love him, he does not realise that as a parent, you love your children and lay down firm boundaries, and leave the rest be.
Not checking with them all the time "do you love me? do you love me more if I give you this?" in this awful, needy fashion.

princessandthepee's picture

Ugh, yes, and hanging himself on the cross for every problem his grown and nearly grown children have. I've said to him he is allowing them the experience of disrespecting us, and teaching them how to live as sub standard human beings. He gets that confused with me thinking they are bad people. He and I have different ideas when it comes to parenting. His kids were far too old and damaged when I met them for them to view me as anything other than their dad's deal. Never in a million years would my kids be allowed to treat anyone the way his kids treat people. And they are the most abusive to him.

godess-clueless's picture

Of course your DH's children are most abusive to him. Because he gave them the "OK" signal many years ago. These men can look at their other men friend's that are dealing with the same problem and point it out, but never see it in their self. I feel for you. Even as adults it continues.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Im with you. I have a count down til the end date of this mess with SD17. And she is no where near the level of Pee. Different type level I guess.

I asked my DH the other day if he truly understood why I have put a vacate date on Troll leaving my home and my marriage, his answer was yes I understand completely. when I asked him "what he understood" he dead panned me eye to eye and said, "Yes I absolutely understand completely why you want her out of this house"

He still hasnt admitted "why" he understands that I want her out of the house and has still not admitted what it is that he so easily accepts about me wanting her out of the house.

Personally? I think he wouldnt mind having her out of the house himself.

I am lucky in that regard.

Im sorry your stuck with Pee and that Pee is so short sided not to see how much better things could be ...if he even gave a small shit to even try.

princessandthepee's picture

I did not have any idea of what I was signing up for when I married princessandthepee's father. They come with him, and I am committed to him, and to our relationship. It's taken over four years for me to begin to articulate some level of awareness for myself and my own needs other than in anger and betrayal. It's taken me some time to understand how I've folded myself up into this tiny little presence within my own house because everyone is afraid of pee, and princess when she was here.
I don't believe in disengagement, and I don't believe in stupid vulnerability. I am in the midst of figuring out just how I am going to deal with this situation, this vapid person, and my husband can't do it with me. Those are his children. I understand he physiologically cannot give up on them. If he did, it would kill something within him. I understand this, I would never give up on my own children.
It's just hard, there's never a moment of life where all these things do not exist and overshadow. I believe if I disengaged, I would make that shadow a permanent shroud. I can't do that. I may never speak another word to either of his children for the rest of my life, but I cannot let them back me into an emotional corner. I have allowed that in the past, and I can't anymore.
I owe myself something some ease, some thing more than that. No one should succeed in backing anyone into a corner.
As humans, we don't do so well with our backs against the wall, we sort of don't use half of ourselves.