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DH beeing stingy with "his" money!!

prettyinpink's picture

Are any of u moms stay at home moms n only income is DH? If so do u have a joint account or do u find urself asking for money as though u are one of his kids?

Comments

luchay's picture

Do you do all the housework? Cooking? Cleaning? Looking after kids (yours and his)? Add up all the hours you spend doing all those things, only count the child-care costs for his not yours to be fair.

Work out how much it would cost him to pay someone else to do all that each week.

Make up an invoice for him for your services each week. (Hell if you want to be really cheeky include those in the bedroom LOL)

Tell him that you both contribute - these are all the hours YOU work to keep him comfortable while he goes out to earn the money.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean sitting around eating bon bons and bludging off him.

Whatever he earns, you are contributing too.

Explain how you feel about the "allowance" tell him you would like the two of you to sit and make a budget, and then do it.

That way you should have enough to cover all expenses and you BOTH get an allowance out of what is left.

prettyinpink's picture

Yes I do it all!! Even when i worked i still would get hm n do EVERYTHING! I've already spoke to him about it n his defense is "well u can always take MY card" .. i have always worked so it was nvr a problem for me but now it bothers me, I feel as though I'm one of the kids asking for money even though he claims its my money too (so then y dont i get my own card!) Ugh i hate this lol n i have thought of charging him like ur saying lol..

prettyinpink's picture

That is what I'm thinking.. but its so frustrating that I have to ask instead of him just doing it on his own..

wreck's picture

I don't think he should be paying you for housework.. That just doesn't make any sense. At all.

prettyinpink's picture

Im not saying I dont have to contribute by doing my house work duties what i am saying is since he wants to only give me money when i need to go buy something (for the house or kids not even for me) i have to ask i dont have a dime to my name so if my kids want something i always have to wait for him i cant b random n say "let me take my kids out for ice cream" cause i dont have money n what i know in a marriage u share everything.. so im not saying he has to pay me for house work his money should b mine too n we should both decide how to spend it because we both contribute one way or another..

wreck's picture

I think you should get a job.
He's the only one working - basically he's supporting you.
You clearly want him to give you his money to be yours as well, but how is that fair? It's his money, and he clearly doesn't want to share it that way with you. And his money=his decision.
Believe me, I'm in your situation as well. But I'm looking for a job because I know that nothing good can come out of me being financially dependent on him.
So please start looking for a job. You need separate finances.. And your income should be your own, not his.
He doesn't have to give you the money he doesn't want to give - and he obviously doesn't want to. Get a job for your own sake.
I'm looking for one beacuse I'm in your situation and I want it to end SOON. Don't get deeper into dependence, find a way out.
You can be married without depending on his money.

prettyinpink's picture

Agree!! I've always worked n love making my own money, problem is I gor pregnant n no longer had a sitter, now I have a newborn n I wont leave my bby with just anyone not to mention husband doesn't want me to wk.. but yes something i do want n will have to eventualy start looking..but let me get something straight if he were just my boy friend or even baby daddy i would understand its "his" money only but I'm his wife n when u marry u become one their for 50/50 for all u own, earn ect.. if ur ok with him doing that to u thats on u to me its disrespectful ill still look into getting a job cause i hate depending on anyone but i def. Dont agree its his money only!!

wreck's picture

If you want to work, and he doesn't want you to, it most likely means he wants to control you.
Even if you're his wife, it's still his money that he's earning. Many spouses have separate finances, each their own money, because that's their agreement. He's not required to give you half of his income just because you're his wife. If he agrees to that, sure you can do so, but he does not have to do so just because you feel he should. It's maybe disrespectful in your eyes, but in reality, it's his money, and he doesn't have to give it to you just because you feel that it's yours as much as it is his. Yes, in a marriage you should share, but only so much. If you don't agree on things related to money, you have separate finances. It's actually beneficial for a marriage and many do it. Many spouses share everything 50/50, but only because they want so. No one has to do it and you can't, and shouldn't demand that he gives you half of his income. He pays the bills, he pays the food, he pays everything.. He decides what to do with the remainder.
If you hate depending on anyone, you need to get a job. It IS his money, unless there is a court order that he has to give you a certain amount, it's his. You feel that everything should be shared equally, but he doesn't. This isn't about me being OK with something, it's about you and your husband, and he obviously thinks this is OK. If you don't, you need to find a way to solve the situation.. But the only way to solve it is to get a job and an income. You aren't entitled to half of his money. He's the one earning it.
Don't think I'm attacking you or being mean - it's definitely not like that. It's just that I'm in this situation as well but I'm trying to get out of it, not to sink deeper. I just want you to get yourself in a safe position where you're not dependent on anyone, especially someone who doesn't appreciate you enough. I'm saying all of this because I want you to be satisfied with your life, just like I want myself to be. But to be happy, we can't depend on husbands who DON'T share equally with us... We have to have our own.

prettyinpink's picture

I appreciate ur advice n i know u are not attacking but giving me ur opinion n the truth is i do agree n im not saying for him to give me half what i want is to b able to have my own debit card so that when i need to go n buy something for the house or kids i dont have to keep asking n what i dont understand is that he had told me when we were in process of buying our hm that i would b in control of the money since i am more responsible n save n now that we have our house he all of a sudden forgot.. yes i know he pays everything but i too help not with money but i do my part n when i worked i helped out with money plus got home n did everything for the kids, home n husband..

wreck's picture

I want the same thing.
But if we want that, we need to have our own jobs and incomes.
He changed his mind, or he didn't plan to give you control in the first place.
I understand that you helped while you worked, but you don't work anymore. He's the only one bringing the money home. Of course you do everything for the kids, home and husband, but you wouldn't expect him to give money to you for that if you had a job.. So you can't expect him to do so now. Homemaking is not a job that pays in money, nor should it. The only pay you get for that is happiness of your family and yourself, and that's why it's done. You're a mother, not a babysitter.

prettyinpink's picture

U are right n im NOT saying he should pay me to stay home.. I know they are my duties as a wife n mother n trust me I enjoy it .. I think ur not understanding really what it is I'm saying, I never said he should pay me to watch my kids or do my house work I also never said he should pay all bills n then give me my half.. what i want is to have my debit card so instead of having to wait on him to go to the store (n get something i need either for kids or hm) or to get gas or something I could just go..I don't buy anything for my self n he always tells me too but I'm very careful with our money I always wanna save incase of an emergency so it isnt that im trying to get paid or use the remainder of the money after bills..

bulletproof's picture

I am currently a housewife (pregnant--so SAHM status comes in the late summer) and we only have DH's income. I haven't set up my photography business yet. We share an account and I always ask him if/when something out of the ordinary can be purchased, but that's only because I have a tendency to not check the account Smile and because we have new things like CS and money owed to BM coming out of our account. He allows me to have a lot of control of things, so part of the reason I ask him is because it strokes his ego a bit, which is always beneficial for me Wink

nothinforya's picture

Money issues are a BFD. There is no reason in the world that you have no access to the family funds. You should have a debit card to the checking account, with your own name on it, and a card with your name on it for any credit card accounts. If you guys have neither, then you need to have cash allocated to you every paycheck for purchases you need to make. This is a way for a man to control a woman, and it can be abusive if you are belittled or have to beg for every dime.

prettyinpink's picture

He doesn't think its wrong because everytime I ask he gives me his card without question.. he says he has always had his own money n he wants to keep it that way, i hate it n yes i do feel its a way to control me I've already told him he needs to get my own card n that i should b in control of the money since i save more.. i don't know what else to tell him but this really bothers me :?

nothinforya's picture

If it's a debit card, you know the pin. Start taking some cash every time you make a purchase, or stop by the ATM and get some cash when you have an opportunity. Keep it in a safe secret place. Women have done this for ages, the so-called "pin" money or "egg" money. Or get a job yourself, for your own money. Do daycare for another child. Keep the money for yourself.

prettyinpink's picture

Yes i do know the pin i hate to go behind his back but its my money too n i just might have to do that if he doesn't come to his senses lol

nothinforya's picture

Just do it, and tell him "I need to have some cash available for myself" if it comes up. He may never notice.

prettyinpink's picture

I made the mistake the other day to ask him if he had cash if not i did n he said "oh u have money?" Which now i wonder if he thought more about it cause yesterday that i asked for the card he just gave me cash n normally when he does that he asks me if its enough, yesterday he didnt :O ..

wreck's picture

You're making the mistake by thinking it's your money to take if you feel like it. How would you feel if he went and took the money you earned just because he felt like it, without your permission?
Are you guys actually advising her to steal his money instead of get her own job?
Even if he gave you half of his money, he's still controlling you because he's giving you money. Get a job, don't let anyone control you.

Onefootout's picture

Ugh. In my opinion, you should have your own account, or at least your own card and you should not have to beg. His money is your money, whether he agrees or not.

The reality, however, is I think that your DH is being a little too controlling. My mom was a great stay at home mom, but I spent my entire childhood watching my dad treat her like an indentured servant. Your DH doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as my dad, but my parents are an example of how a man can abuse his wife through financial control. that's what financial control can develop into: abuse.

From what you described, it appears you are being treated like a child instead of a partner who contributes to your family and household. You have every right to complain to your DH about this. It's a tough subject to talk about, though.

If DH doesnt agree, then I like the other poster's idea about socking away little by little so you have your own secret stash.

prettyinpink's picture

Yeah i think he feels if i have my own card or take over the bills i will have control.. which i think its stupid n i do feel like wtf im not ur kid i shouldn't have to ask for something that should b mine too!

wreck's picture

But why do you think that his money should be yours too?

By the way, if he's paying for your bills, food, and clothes, his money is ALREADY yours, a good share of it.