Advice, keeping sanity while disengaging?
My DH and I have been married for almost 8 years now, having full custody of SD for the past 6 years. I love my SD but at the same time her personality drives me up the wall. When I first met DH he shared custody of SD, then 4, with BM. Then BM breaks custody agreement moving SD out of state and husband contested and won full custody. She was babied by DH up til that point because he said he felt guilty he couldnt see her everyday, but that has not helped her at all. Once we got full custody, things only got worse, and i started having resentment that we won custody.
She makes up stories a lot and has 'done and experienced' more in her short life than most adults i know, according to her. Everything that you ask her to do from picking her shoes and socks off the floor to rinsing off her plate are such huge tasks. Nothing I do or get is ever good enough (spend over $100 on a toy she wanted 'so badly' for it to be played with maybe twice). She doesnt appreciate anything, unless her mom got it for her. Beyond that I am sick of being seen as the evil step mom when asking her to do chores, or clean her room, or fold and put up her laundry, or ask before she just takes something.... It was to a point a few weeks ago I was getting angry at DH for not caring what she does and leaving it for me to make sure everything was accomplished. I finally had a talk with him one morning and told him I had to take a step back... I couldnt keep doing this and always being the bad guy. I didnt realize this had a name, disengaging, until I found this website a few days ago.
I love the idea, but my biggest issue is how do you not let it bug you when the chores aren't finished? DH will let SD watch tv with him for several hours at night before she has finished homework or chores, then allow her to use the excuse that she is too tired to get them done that night, and let her go to bed... We dont live in a fancy place and if dirty dishes get left out overnight, we get ants.... He gets upset and annoyed about the unwanted pests but doesnt do much in the punishment sense to get her to care in my opinion...
How or what did you do in the beginning to not let the mess bother you and to bite your tongue and not keep inflating the tension in the house. Im hoping that after some time has passed and he can see what ive been telling him and his stance will change, but in the mean time what can I do to keep my sanity in midst the choas?