SD15 has failed 2 classes once again...and barely passing the others. It's REPORT CARD TIME!!
BF has told SD15 in the past (MANY times) that if she fails a subject again, he's taking her cell phone away from her. SD15 is in 10th grade now. Just to give some quick background:
1. SD15 has been failing math every quarter since last year.
2. BM was an unwed mother at 17 & never graduated from high school
3. We share 50/50 custody with BM (BF's ex-wife - they've been legally separated for over 6 years, and divorced for over 4 years).
4. BF & I have been together for over 6 years, living together for over 2.
5. BF pays full child support to BM until skids (SD15 & SS12) are 21 because that's the law in our state (NY)
6. SD15 has had several boyfriends over the past 2 years that BM has allowed & encouraged SD15 to keep secret from BF. Presently, SD15 has a boyfriend for about 1 month that is in 11th grade (her bad grades started way before his time).
7. SD15 sends anywhere between 5,000 - 10,000 text messages/month (and they wonder why she's failing out of school??). Is it me or is that completely a ridiculous amt. of texts to send in 1 month???
8. SD15 never does any chores, cleaning, help around the house, make her bed, her room is a disgusting pigsty - she does nothing, nada, zilch
9. Her recent report card says her grades are: 54 (math), 58 (science), 75 (social studies & english) & 70's all other classes (including easy ones, like gym! says she never changes for class!)
10. BM encourages SD15 to dress inappropriately (cleavage showing tank tops, heavy black makeup & nails & clothes) and to be "popular" in school, even if it means in a bad way (slutty) and could care less about SD15's education.
I have completely disengaged (mostly to preserve my sanity & my relationship with BF) for about 2 years now because BF & I were constantly fighting about how skids have no rules, no consequences, nothing. My reason for this post is that I'm desperately seeking advice from anyone here that is either going through this, or has gone through this years ago (and now the skids are adults) and what the results were post-high school. I am fearful that BF & I are going to be "stuck" supporting these skids forever because they're going nowhere fast and that BM will just do nothing about any of this - for you see, so long as she collects her CS check every 2 weeks, she could really care less about anything else. She's a dependent, selfish, entitled, uneducated loser and I'm afraid skids are going to end up exactly like her. SD15 even looks like her - ughhh!!! I am going through a re-evaluation of my relationship and the big picture here - and I seriously need some H.E.L.P.!!!
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ANYONE OUT THERE have any
ANYONE OUT THERE have any advice for me with this?? PLEASE HELP!!
I would especially LOVE to hear from other SM's/SD's out there that have been through this (what I'm going through now) YEARS ago & stuck it out (or didn't) and what the end result was.
PLEASE HELP...SOMEONE!!!
There seems to be two
There seems to be two separate issues here: 1) the money and 2) the SD's behavior. You didn't mention the SS so he isn't as much of a problem?
You are involved in the thick of a financial and custody situation that is going to continue for at least another 9 years.
How does the half half custody work. Year by year or month by month or how? Are you finding you are paying for the children's upkeep and you feel the mother isn't? Changing the custody arrangement may help if the kids are being moved around too much.
Is your boyfriend concerned about his kids? Maybe the girl needs some tutoring? Something clearly has to change before your resentment and anger eat you alive.
Myself, I would get out of that situation either by ending the relationship or at least moving out and getting my own place.
Sorry, I can't be of more help. But, if noone else in the family sees this as a problem, then all you can do is protect yourself and move along.
Donna123, thank you for
Donna123, thank you for responding to my post (I'm so glad that someone did). To answer your questions:
1. SS12 is a good kid overall - good grades, respectful most of the time, but very spoiled, entitled, no chores - and a TOTAL momma's boy. I have more positives to say about him than negatives, though.
2. We have true 50/50 custody of skids. They live with us 4 days/week & with BM 3 days/week, then it alternates every week. Overall, the schedule is OK, but now that the skids are getting older, they would probably prefer (and would benefit from) a 7/7 schedule better - 1 week with us, 1 week with BM. As for the skids CS$$ I get so frustrated because BF pays BM $1,500/month for CS & instead of using it all on the skids, she blows it (i.e. tattoos, piercings, movies, shopping, etc...). Although here in NY, I don't think the law allows us to demand any kind of accounting for the $$ she spends (or more importantly, how much of it she DOESN'T spend on skids), I wish there was something we could do. For example, she recently got 2 tattoos - 1 on the back of her neck & 1 HUGE tattoo that covers her ENTIRE back. I don't have any tattoos, but aren't these EXPENSIVE??? FYI - she only works part-time...when she feels like it.
3. BF's (& BM's) parenting style in general is very different from mine. I stress education, good grades, respect for others, ethics, morals, rules & consequences, boundaries. BF is very "laid back", doesn't have any rules & the few he does, there are no consequences when skids break them. BM is just a train wreck - too long to describe her. Let's just say that it's more important to her for SD15 to look hot & dress slutty & wear heavy makeup, have boyfriends, etc... than for SD15 to actually study & do well in school, play sports, etc... BM is too busy being SD15's friend to be able to be anything near a parent or good role model (& remember, BM was pregnant herself at 17 & had to drop out of school). SD15 definitely needs tutoring (at the least), but she's too lazy to do it, nevermind do her homework & study - especially if her parents just ALLOW it (basically, if she would've passed with a 65, they probably wouldn't be punishing her at all!!)
Don't be sorry that you can't be of more help. You've helped already by giving me your opinion of what you would do if you were in my situation - I'm in the process of re-evaluating my relationship as we speak...Sigh... So, any other advice you would have (whether bad/harsh or good), bring it on!! I appreciate it & I don't expect my fellow STers to "sugarcoat" to make me feel better. I truly am seeking honest advice from those who have "been there". Thanks again & sorry for the loooong reply.
P.S. Katrinkie...not to
P.S. Katrinkie...not to jinx you or anything, but when my SD15 was 8 & 9 years old, she was an "A" or "B" student & a sweetheart. I never expected that she'd start taking such a "downturn" once she got to high school, but she did and it started earlier than I thought (about 12). BF & BM's lack of parenting skills, rules, consequences make it MUCH worse...so if your DH is strict with your SD8 & doesn't get defensive with you when you try to co-parent, you'll be fine - IMO
Hi Katrinkie!! Thanks for
Hi Katrinkie!! Thanks for "chiming in" here to help me. The relationship I am re-evaluating is the one with my BF. I know I love him unconditionally & I know he feels the same for me. If the skids were not in the big picture, things would be amazing.
With that said, the reality here is that skids ARE in the big picture - and everything that comes along with them (i.e. lack of discipline, all the CS $$ that goes out to BM for them until youngest is 21, etc...) and I'm trying to intelligently decide what I'm "getting myself into" when we eventually get engaged & married.
Most of the time, I can see my situation in a positive light and I do believe that we don't have the MAJOR, MAJOR problems that other couples (especially blended families) have. I'm trying to figure out if I can "finish" this marathon - if I can last, quite frankly. Sometimes I'm tired and feel so frustrated that it gets hopeless (especially with skids, bad grades, no rules, no consequences, etc...). This step thing feels like a test of endurance - and trust me, I can run long and hard like the rest of them.
But do I DESERVE to have to run this marathon in the first place?? I hate running, in the first place - lol. A great day of marathon volleyball is more my speed! I must sound like a crazy woman right now....
Katrinkie, as always you are
Katrinkie, as always you are a saving grace to me. I swear that our beloved cats must somehow be in "kitty heaven" putting us together to help each other.
I understand what you are saying. I agree with you 100% about separating my relationship with my BF from all else - and I keep that at the top of my priority list. Yes, yes, yes...we are on the same page there.
My problem arises when I try to picture what my FUTURE will be like with BF - if I get engaged to him & marry him. He has this belief that everything involving HIS KIDS are his matters to handle. WONDERFUL in theory...but in reality, since he has a totally different parenting style than me (and BM has basically NO parenting skills), it is causing direct conflict between us. This direct conflict involving skids causes us to fight. For example (and please forgive me for what I'm about to say next, I don't mean to sound selfish)...
Let's say, hypothetically, that SD15 follows in BM's footsteps. Fails out of school, pregnant at 16, no job, no skills, no high school diploma, no concept of how to spend/save $$...that will render her COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON BF - which in turn (reality) means that WE will be "stuck" (since at that point I'll be married to him) supporting this child WELL AFTER she turns 21 (the age in New York that CS $$ to BM ends). She will have NO $$ saved because she doesn't work, BM doesn't save any CS$$ she receives for skids because she blows through it. I don't think this is fair to me, to MY future, MY plans & MY savings!! If BF would be more IN CONTROL of SD15 NOW (i.e. enforcing rules, good grades, etc...), then this horrible scenario won't happen.
Please tell me that this makes sense & that I'm not nuts......
The custody arrangement as
The custody arrangement as it stands doesn't give anyone a chance to get any kind of toehold. It must be very difficult for the kids moving back and forth so much. Almost like living out of suitcase all the time. And for you the same thing. Somehow that has to be worked out to provide more stability.
I also think $1500 a month is awfully high in child support especially since custody is shared equally. It seems that the only person who is really having their cake and eating it too here is BM. Maybe she needs a kick in the butt to help her mature.
The kids are not getting the attention they deserve and it is not your responsibility, but it is because you are a woman, and that is what women do.
Moreover you are never getting a chance to build a partnership, love relationship with your BF, and you are stuck with a revolving door house rather than having the opportunity to build a home.
Until he gets it that he isn't doing you, himself or the children a favor with this arrangement and makes the necessary changes in the custodial agreement, I can't see this working out over the long haul.
Is he afraid of losing the kids?