Selfish SM thoughts - need advice!!
Today has been a bad day for me - not necessarily "bad" in the sense that something bad happened or anything, just more of a frustrating day of self-introspection. I was hoping that I could vent about it with all of you and get some objective advice.
Today I couldn't help but think some selfish thoughts - related to money and how much sacrifice we as SM's make to be with the men that we love.
One of my oldest, best friends gave me this advice about 4 years ago (when I came to her to help me "evaluate" my relationship with FDH): "Milomom, the fact is that if you stay in this relationship for the long haul, you will ALWAYS be making sacrifices, even indirectly, in the financial sense since your FDH has such a massive CS obligation to BM. You have to think about this loooong and hard before you make the decision of whether or not to marry this man. I personally think that FDH is an AWESOME GUY, an AMAZING FATHER to, and provider for, his children and I think that he LOVES YOU with all his heart. With that said, I think that you are in a very tough position. I've known you, Milomom, since we were both about 15 yrs old. I've struggled with you through college (we both worked full-time jobs through most of college and ALL summers - our parents couldn't afford to pay), I've seen you work VERY HARD for everything you have, from your undergrad degree, through law school and earning your law degree, passing the Bar Exam, buying your house, new cars....I've seen you EARN everything you have. I've known you for a VERY long time and you deserve to live the type of lifestyle that YOU WANT to live. However, reality is, that if you & FDH eventually get married, and even have kid(s) of your own, your FDH will have that massive CS obligation to BM for many years to come - and that will DIRECTLY IMPACT your family and future."
So, as much as I know this is very selfish of me, I am ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED today because I don't think that FDH should have to pay CS to BM at ALL, in light of our true 50/50 joint physical and legal custody situation (2 fskids - FSD17.5 & FSS14). It angers me that FDH has to pay BM about $1,600/mo, which forces FDH to work long, hard hours to struggle - FDH is literally financially supporting TWO households - and it all makes me sick to my stomach. Also, when I think about the fact that both FDH & I would like to buy a vacation property in a WARMER climate, to be able to take a break and get away---we CAN'T AFFORD TO. We can't afford to because FDH has to pay the CS to BM. FDH & I would like to buy a larger house in a nicer area---but we CAN'T AFFORD TO. I think about the fact that $1,600/mo. would certainly allow us to do things that WE WANT (and work hard to be able) TO DO, but it goes to BM.
Meanwhile, BM gets to buy all the latest gadgets (iPhone, Mac laptop computer, internet apps, crap, huge, expensive tattoos on her body, manicures, hair colored different every season, CD's, etc...), she gets a FREE ROOF OVER HER HEAD at fdh's rental property (FDH pays her rent at as an "offset" of his CS, which doesn't help much), a FREE CAR from FDH (when they divorced) & her car insurance paid for 3 years afterward, now a FREE CAR from her new alleged "fiancee" a/k/a Sucker, and to top it all off, she only has to work 2 days/week (sometimes 3 days/week TOPS)!!! In addition, FDH has to cover 100% of the fskids' major medical/dental/optical insurance, 90% of fskids' unreimbursed medical/dental expenses (to the tune of over $4,000 just in braces alone), 90% of fskids' before/after school care expenses (when they were younger - that used to KILL me when FDH had to constantly write BM an extra check just for THAT each and every month!), etc...... BM literally has almost NO FINANCIAL OBLIGATION to support her OWN 2 children! Oh, and she only has them about 50% of the time (though lately, it has been more like 65/35 - the 65% is FDH's time with the kids!) to boot!
There are those who would say that "I knew all of this" when I got involved with FDH. I will admit I knew the basics - FDH was honest and I had FULL DISCLOSURE about his financial picture and obligations to BM (with regard to fskids) from DAY ONE. He hid absolutely NOTHING from me from the beginning - and NEVER has, NEVER will. However, I did not realize how much of an overall impact this would have on OUR PRESENT LIVES TODAY.
So here I am, 41 years old, 8.5 years later into this relationship (including 4 years of living together, 1.5 years being engaged), getting married to FDH in September and pregnant with our first child. I cannot help but have these selfish thoughts like: "what IF I wasn't marrying a man with a previously enjoyed family?", "what would my lifestyle be like to marry a man that didn't have a massive CS obligation to his ex-wife?", "how different would our lives be if FDH didn't have to pay $1,600/mo. to BM?".
I don't feel bitter, I just feel like MY LIFE and what I WANT has been put into this proverbial "holding pattern" like an airplane - where we are just "circling around" about the airport, waiting for it to be OUR TURN to land - waiting for it to be OUR TURN to financially have the things that WE WANT for our lifestyle choices.
I know that CS is a "finite" concept - it doesn't last forever (thank goodness), BUT when I think about how much money FDH has ALREADY PAID to BM, between the divorce settlement $$ and the massive CS$$ that he pays and continues to pay (for possibly the next 8-9 years!), it makes me sick to my stomach. God help me, I sound like a selfish, bitter, nasty old stepmother and "second wife" who is "jealous" of the first family...but I am not. I truly care about my fskids - and I LOVE MY FDH WITH MY LIFE AND ALL MY HEART.
Sorry that this is SOOOOOO long (shocker!) - I tried to condense my thoughts concisely...but it was harder than I thought. Thank you to all of you that made it through all the way to the end - I genuinely appreciate it.
Any words of support and/or advice as to how to resolve this "selfish SM" dilemma and train of thought would be greatly appreciated. I truly value all of your opinions - whether you have an angry, negative reaction to my inner-thoughts or not. I can take it. Let the flogging begin!! LOL!!!