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Why does my FSDstb17 seem to WANT to be just like BM???

Milomom's picture

Just a question that I thought I'd pose to all of you. The answer to this question seems to be so elusive to me - and the concept of FSD turning into BM right before my eyes just literally boggles my mind.

It's one thing for a parent to be able to "brainwash" their child against the other parent - through sheer manipulation or what have you. But what totally confuses me is WHY does FSDstb17 seem to literally worship BM and want to be like her and do all things that BM does? It's very scary. Here are some examples - comparisons of BM & FSDstb17:

1. BM loves art and drawing.
FSDstb17 is taking art and drawing classes in high school.

2. BM has body piercings and tattooes (a huge one that covers almost her entire back alone).
FSDstb17 desperately wants a tattoo and has already pierced her ears multiple times (including the top) and JUST RECENTLY GOT HER NOSE PIERCED behind my FDH's back and despite the fact that he forbade it!

3. BM went to cosmetology school when she was in her 20's (never used her license, though, and defaulted on the student loans).
FSDstb17 loves to color her friends' hair (no formal training, mind you) and wishes to be a "hair colorist to the stars" when she grows up.

4. BM colors her hair 3 different colors simultaneously and changes her hair color basically every season.
FSDstb17 started having her hair highlighted when she was about 12 (BM did it) and still puts huge bleached blonde chunks in front, black underneath, red all over the rest.

5. BM wears slutty clothes - ALWAYS revealing her cleavage and wearing a necklace dangling in her cleavage to draw attention to it.
FSDstb17 now does the same (has been dressing this way for about 4 years now).

6. BM dropped out of high school preggo out-of-wedlock (not my FDH's child, another baby daddy before him).
FSDstb17 has been failing her way through most of high school, does not play sports or do any EC activities. Hasn't come home pregnant....yet. Knock on wood. Recently confirmed that she IS, in fact, sexually active (and likely has been for at least 2 years now, if not longer!).

7. BM did not have her drivers license until she was in her mid 20's (my FDH made her get one before they married so she could get a JOB)
FSDstb17 still does not even have her Learner's Permit.

8. BM never had a full-time job in her entire life (just got a steady part-time job about 2 years ago) - and she's 45 years old.
FSDstb17 still does not have her first job. She leeches off of FDH for money and sometimes borrows it from FSSstb14 & doesn't repay him!!!

9. BM never went to college, never even earned a 2 year Associates degree. She only has a GED (again, which my FDH made her get so she could help him to support HER SON from another man) from years ago and she recently went to a vocational/technical school to be able to take the State LPN licensing exam.
FSDstb17 is, again, failing her way through high school and sometimes says she wants to "go to college" (translation: waste her money & ours).

10. BM is narcissistic, loves drama and loves getting attention, ESPECIALLY from the male species - even if it's NEGATIVE attention and she looks like a whore.
FSDstb17 does NOT WANT ATTENTION (wow, there's a big difference), BUT...because of the way she presents herself (dresses slutty like BM), she DRAWS negative attention from the male species.

11. BM likes weird jewelry & accessories (i.e. cheap "mood rings", weird thumb rings, cheap costume bracelets, etc...)
FSDstb17 also likes weird jewelry & accessories.

12. BM used to practice "wicca" (??), now she seems to be into Buddhism (asked skids for a buddha for Christmas gift) & Karma & is a strange person like that.
FSD into buddhism and is taking an Eastern philosophy elective class in senior year of high school.

13. BM does not own ANYTHING that she has earned or paid for. Her cars, for example, have always been purchased for her by my FDH during their marriage.
FSDstb17 thinks FDH is "giving her a car for graduation". LOL!

14. BM is very bad with money, bad credit, student loan defaults, massive credit card debt, spends money she doesn't have, doesn't save, etc...
FSDstb17 is very bad with money, doesn't save anything, goes out and blows it on clothes as soon as she gets it (i.e. birthday money, etc...)

15. BM goes through "boyfriends" faster than anyone I know - and gets engaged to someone she barely knew for a few months (that ended shortly after).
FSDstb17 has gone through 3-4 boyfriends in a fairly short time - just seems to use them then break their hearts.

These are just a few examples of how I feel that FSDstb17 seems to be literally turning into BM!!! What do you guys think? Am I crazy? Why does FSDstb17 WANT to be like BM in the FIRST place? BM is a LOSER, doesn't OWN anything, barely works, trying to go back to community college at 45 to take classes (translation: waste FDH's CS $) to become a Nurse, leeches off of FDH, manipulates everyone, is just general trash.

Can anyone figure out why FSDstb17 wants to be like her mother so badly? BM has NO redeeming qualities whatsoever. I'm thinking there HAS to be some kind of psychological explanation for this!!!! Can anyone help me & shed some light here???

Comments

Milomom's picture

I should have added in this disclaimer: No offense to those on here who practice wicca or buddhism or even worshipping inanimate objects.

Sorry about that, iwlass. I meant BM here is a strange person like that. She seems to practice a different religion or belief system (and has gone through a stint of not believing in ANY "God" or higher power whatsoever) every time we turn around, that's what I meant. Just a really BAD role-model for the skids in general. I hope that helps & makes more sense.

Although I must admit...BM DOES give those who practice wicca, etc... a REALLY bad name.

Kes's picture

SD's share their mother's: paranoia, narcissism, and ability to start an argument in an empty room. Not the length of list you have but quite bad enough. BTW, what is with the FSDstb? Dying to know what this stands for.

Milomom's picture

FSD = future stepdaughter (I am engaged to her father - we've been together for about 8 years, almost 1/2 her life)

stb17 = soon to be 17 years old (my future stepdaughter is turning 17 soon)

Yes, I didn't included FSD sharing her mother's paranoia & narcissism....my post was already getting too long with the list I made! lol!!!

Doubletakex3's picture

Hopefully it's a maturity issue and will pass. My SD at 16 was just like her mother, however; as she got older (now 27) she has ended up exhibiting more of my traits. Maybe she's just trying on identities so see what fits. Hopefully, the current one will be shed for a better choice soon.

mommaofsoontobe4's picture

OOOOooo this is what I was talking about in my last post! Everything BM does is amazing to SD13stb14. She lives with us full time and when she first moved in and we broke her into the rules of the house, she was an absolute joy. Now, half a year later, she's so different. She mouths off to her father, pokes in snide comments all the time and is obsessed with makeup and hair. She doesn't even care that she's not at her grade level in school. BM dropped out of school in grade 9, and never went back or got a GED. BM is obsessed with how "pretty and skinny" she is (which, btw..she needs to redefine skinny) But yes...BM is gold to SD. Why does she idolize her so much? I have no idea. It drives me crazy. She sounds like her, talks like her, and feels like a queen for pretending to be stupid. Literally. She asked me the other day about a credit card her mom sent for her.....

SD: "It says only call from the US, where's that?"
ME: "We live in the US....it's the United States"
SD: "Isn't the United States the whole world?"
:O
ME: "You know, there are a lot of people who actually don't know Canada is above the US"
SD: "Isn't Mississippi above it?"

And she'll sit there and smile through it all like she's telling a joke. I'm up to my eyeballs in trying to get her caught up and I'm so sick of trying to raise a mini-BM. If she doesn't want to change, then I feel as though all I can do, is feed and clothe her, while I count down the days until her 18th Bday.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.