What do you do when one like one SD but despise the other?
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My SD9 is awesome, loves to help with chores, is respectful to me, does what she is told, doesn't argue etc. Her sister on the other hand is a polar opposite. BM has turned her into into medication dependent, ADHD, ODD, mood swinging angry pre teen nightmare. Every weekend she is here, she and I get into a huge screaming fight and then she runs to daddy and he comforts her. She can do no wrong in his eyes and IMO is much tougher on SD9. How do I disengage from one but not the other and keep the peace? SD12 obviously doesn't care how I feel and only cares about people who tell her what she wants to here.I know DH is going to say this isn't fair.
to hear* sorry auto correct
to hear* sorry auto correct
ODD kids LOVE the roller
ODD kids LOVE the roller coaster ride they get from fights like this. It is kind of a high for them.
If you keep that in mind, if you can remember when you are getting frustrated that you losing your top gives her what she wants and fills a need she has- it does make it easier to keep your cool.
My oldest SD was ODD all the way. I figured out real quick that she would pick fights in order to get whatever "fix" it was she got from these screaming/throwing/tantrum matches. I never knew if it was an adrenaline fix, attention fix, or to simply get her energy out and feel better. My DH fell for it hook, line, and sinker every single time. Sometimes their screaming matches would go for HOURS. I kid you not.
Once I realized that, on some level, she LIKED this, I was able to not lose my cool.
Thank god she is 26 now, and for the most part has grown out of it. Maybe happens 1-2 times a year, and mostly now with her mother who is also high conflict.
That is hard but if you
That is hard but if you reward the good behaviour from your YSD, and disengage from the bad from your older SD, at least it sends a message
My two SD's are grown adults and I have the same dilemma
My YSD for the most part is a sweetheart to me, talks to me often, tells me she loves and values me, etc...
I love our conversations and hearing about what is happening in her life. We have the same humor and can laugh at the silliest things. She can be a joy
My DH's eldest daughter on the otherhand, like yours, is the polar opposite. Head games, revengeful, lives to try to set me up to look bad, loves to play the victim role
I used to keep my distance from my YSD for fear my older one would use that too against me
Now, I just respond to the relationship each of them as shown me they would like with me.
My YSD makes it clear she has two moms in her life, BM and me, and is fall over backwards sweet to me for the most part. And I give back the same to her
My DH's eldest daughter is spitting hostile, game-playing, ever ready to stir the shit. She has made it clear I do not matter to her and she doesn't want a relationship with me. So I respect that too. No relationship.
Disengagement from me has made it easier to not get into conflicts with her, regardless of how hard she tries to make that happen.
I tolerate her presence on the few occasions a year I'm subjected to it, and I enjoy my YSD's presence on the very regular basis that we interact
Thanks guys, she tried to
Thanks guys, she tried to pick an argument Saturday while I was trying to be nice and offer to take them out for cheeseburgers. She was not willing to get off the couch because she wasn't hungry. I said "you don't have to go" and walked out the door. She had her clothes on so fast it was a completely different child. I decided if what I ask her or tell her turns into an "escalation" I'm counting to 3 and walking away. As for DH, him and BM can baby her all she wants and pick up at the police station when she gets arrested. Of course that will be someone else's fault too.
My mom once told me that her
My mom once told me that her love was unconditional and though she loved me she did not like me very much (at that time).
I suggest adapting this message and philosophy in dealing with your two different skids. Your care for them is unconditional but liking them is dependent upon their behavior.
Might work.
Good luck.