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Do they really know me? Probably not.

Pecanflower's picture

So DH and I have been Married for 5 years this month...or is it 6? I'll have to look at the marriage license to know for sure because one day melts into the next; one year into another.

DH has MS and Autism. So, while he is high functioning on the spectrum and his MS is manageable; I am a caregiver much of the time. DH is a stay at home dad...disabled because of the MS. But he does try very hard to create something, anything that contributes. He has written several fantasy novels and has created a board game. But gaining the interest to turn it profitable has been a challenge.

SS14 has Autism and BiPolar Disorder. He is also high functioning on the spectrum. A majority of our time and energy is spent trying to make sure that he grows to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

I am 50 years old. I am going back to college.

I have a BA in Journalism that is fairly useless. When I was younger, I was going to right the wrongs and write the wrongs and it didn't matter that I would never make more than 30 thousand a year; while working 60 plus hours a week. Over time, the newspaper business has slowly died. It has become more and more corporate with fewer and fewer jobs. So I have been in Broadcasting.

I have been making my living in a field that is VERY unforgiving of aging and any changes in how one looks or sounds. I am 50.

Anyway.....I am back in college now getting a degree in Accounting; a field where I hope my age will not be a HUGE negative like it is in broadcasting.

Today; my I gave my DH his anniversary present; a video game he wanted Dead Rising 4. He was very happy.

SS14 asked him what I was going to get as an anniversary present. I told him nothing.

SS14: Why?
Me: He's Stumped.
SS14: Surely not.
Me: Y'all have no idea what to get me because you don't really know me anymore. Not as a Person. Not as Pecan. Only as Mom or the Lady who takes care of everything.
SS14: That's not true. There are presents under the tree for you.
Me: Yep. And I bought them.
SS14: We know you, Pecan!
Me: Okay, here is a challenge for you. What would I like to receive that is not related to my Etsy shop (I crochet geek related items and sell them for extra cash--for the last couple of years they have given me supplies); not related to YOUR interests; or not a candle or underwear?
I love them both. But through the course of the day to day taking care of life and managing the house; DH has forgotten to connect with me as a person and SS14 only wants to talk to me about his video games.

I'm not really upset about it. It's just a fact of life and of marriage.


Peridwen's picture

If you wouldn't mind, PM me a link or the titles of your DH's books? I love reading and I have 30 hour road trip coming up. I need new reading material.

For years my mom has relayed what she wanted from Dad for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas through us kids. She doesn't want to tell him directly, because he has a bad habit of telling her to just buy it and then freaking out when he realizes he doesn't know what she wants as a gift. So Mom will say something like "Tell Dad when he asks that I want a new xxxx" and we have to filter it to "Hey Dad, Mom was talking about xxxx the other day" or "Mom was complaining that she doesn't have xxxx."

My DH on the other hand likes to take offhand comments I make through the year and turn those into presents. Which can be awesome like when he bought me a serger, and can be not as awesome like the Food Saver I mentioned wanting AFTER we bought a farm. We don't have a farm. The Food Saver doesn't do me as much good when we aren't bulk producing, lol.

My brother and his wife have very opposite love languages, so his gifts are sometimes way off the mark. She's a "spend time with me" kind of person and he's a "let me buy you a luxury spa package for 1" kind of guy. He's only a year into marriage though, so he has time to improve. Wink

Pecanflower's picture

Sent. Biggrin

Pecanflower's picture

You are absolutely right. I just need reminding of that. I fell into a selfish hole this weekend.

ESMOD's picture

I don't think it's unusual for kids to not really "know" adults in the household. They don't tend to view their parents as individuals with their own needs and wants. They see parents as the people who fulfill THEIR needs.

I seem to remember the gifts we gave our dad as being ties.. shoe laces, toblerone bars, art supplies. My mom probably got even fewer "about her gifts" maybe some gardening things.

Then again, my mom didn't even know what my favorite cereal was when I was a child. So, I guess it goes both ways.

My DH and I tend to do things like travel or invest in property, so excess money is usually going to a trip or to a renovation project of some sort.

My Dh used to get me live animals for our anniversary. (goats, pigs, chickens etc) but we have been trying to simplify so haven't even done that much recently.