My salary for BM?
I'm getting crazy and don't know what to do. Dh goes to the market every day, spend money and when I come home I see he just bought a cola! I asked what did you get today and he says some stuff? So where is the bloody stuff? Why I cant see any of those in the fridge? He thinks I'm stupid? He do shopping for bms house not ours. With my salary. He is not working and I have to pay for our home and now for that bitches home too? Why the hell do I have to pay for that bitch and her daughters food? Cant I spend my money for myself? I dont know how to deal with this man and ex family anymore. I feel I'm abused.
Comments
Take away ALL his access to
Take away ALL his access to your account. If necessary, open a new account and transfer your salary into it. He clearly cannot be trusted.
Agree with Winter
Take away his access to your money. This is financial abuse.
If you need help, reach out to the resources in your area for domestic abuse.
1. Take away his access, and
1. Take away his access, and if he tries to access your money or successfully does so after you remove him from everything, press charges.
2. Throw out the whole man. If he can supply BM's house with stuff, then she can supply him with a roof.
Everyone here already said it
Everyone here already said it. Don't allow him to spend another dime of your money. This is ridiculous. If this wasn't a catalyst to end the relationship I don't know what would be. Please, value yourself and what you are working for. You deserve to have a good life and enjoy what your money is buying for you!
When I ask what did you buy
When I ask what did you buy or why, he start a big fight and he says you are STINGY and GREEDY...
You are neither stingy nor
You are neither stingy nor greedy and the proof of that is that you are supporting this useless lump of flesh who claims he is a stay at home dad to a kid who is at school all day. He is an utter waste of space. Take back your power, woman!
No you work your ass off for
No you work your ass off for your money and you expect it to be YOUR money not his ex's !! He's a grown ass man he can get a job and pay her with his money! Believe me I was just in this situation and I put my foot down! I said if you leave me for this then go I don't care I'm not working for her to get my paycheck
where do you see this
where do you see this 'relationship' in 5 years? what will change?
I keep asking this question
I keep asking this question to myself...
He says he will start to work soon as the summer season will start here and he is working in tourism, and he says sd is big enough now to stay at home or they will need to get child care... which i dont care. i looked after them for few years and i dont want to hear about the problems anymore!
Anyway i'm gonna wait a few more months to see if he will start the job or not...
I'll be blunt, why?? He is
I'll be blunt, why?? He is using your money to support another woman. that's it plain and simple. If you're going to stay with him, open a second account and put your paycheck into it. Put in a set amount in the first shared account as his 'allowence' and when that is gone, no more paying BM's way. She is using you, he is using you and if you're going to stay at least be the only person looking out for you.
In your last blog you said
In your last blog you said your DH isn't working because BM has a full time job. No way should you be subsiding her household.
The majority of households in
The majority of households in America have 2 working parents. I don't understand that if BM is working and your DH isn't why he would be providing finanically for her home. I also don't understand him not working, period. He has a child to support and a household to contribute to. He doesn't get to play stay at home daddy as a part time parent.
Bm works from march until
Bm works from march until october or november, because she works in a shop and they dont need her in winter as there is no customer. I completely agree with you.
It sounds like he is using
It sounds like he is using you. What would he do to survive if you were not there to bankroll his "stay at home daddy" lifestyle?
And.. instead of HIM giving BM money/groceries.. shouldn't she be paying HIM child support since he has no income and she does???
I agree with the others.. this is a completely onesided and unfair arrangment. It's not as if you had a child of your own with him and the two of you decided that your earning potential was better so he would stay home to avoid putting your own child in daycare. That might be somewhate equitable.. but obviously him sending money to his Ex's home or paying her groceries... that are not court ordered.. that is wrong. I mean, technically, you both could have agreed you would pay his CS so he could stay home with your own child.. but that is not what is happening... It's HIS child.. that you are subsidizing.
I am struggling to see what benefit you are getting from this relationship/arrangement. He is bleeding your accounts dry.. he is living off your hard work.
I would approach him with the idea that he needs to get back to work to start financially contributing to your household. It may require he and his EX figuring out some after school care for his daughter.. I can't believe that he couldn't earn enough to pay for that and also start financially contributing to the household.
If he won't agree to that? I think I would be inclined to tell him that this arrangement is not working and give him his walking papers.
Anytime i start to ask these
Anytime i start to ask these questions, he says why you n ever put yourself in their situation? You imagine you are sd and your parents are divorced and you dont get someone to look after you and bla bla bla...
He always tries to give me this GUILTY FEELING so i dont complaint or ask questions i think?
"But I'm NOT SD and her
"But I'm NOT SD and her parents aren't dead, only divorced."
Turn it back on him every time.
"Why don't YOU ever put yourself in my situation? I work hard all day and get nothing from my salary because I have a lazy shit of a husband who funnels it all to his EX- wife rather than actually earning money for HIS responsibilities."
You are legally married to
You are legally married to your husband, but he is emotionally married to BM.
With the (legitimate) complaints you have about your H, I cannot see anything that would keep me in this relationship.
Your SD has two parents. It
Your SD has two parents. It is their responsibility to provide for her, not yours. I would take away all of your DH's access to the funds. If he wants to give her money at BM's then he can get a job. You are not responsible for providing more for your SD because her parents are not doing their job.
PB, have you thought of your
PB, have you thought of your plan to exit? You know he is using you and financially abusing you as well. You are well aware. I see you vent about this on the board and I know it's hurting you. So what is YOUR plan of action? Start one and get with it or you will be further damaged in every way.
So basically you the live in
So basically you the live in ATM for his family which includes his ex wife?
so what's in this relationship for you?
I don't know how the hell i
I don't know how the hell i get to this situation?
I was young, i was educated, i could meet a single young man, i'm so stupid, i wasted my time and i still do.
Just think how nice it would
Just think how nice it would be to be free from this millstone round your neck, dragging you down ...
This is abuse. I cannot
This is abuse. I cannot fathom why you would want to stay with someone who is not only willing to take advantage of you, but also someone this lazy and selfish. It's such a turnoff. And you deserve better.
But if you do want to stay I guess my question is does he have a relationship with his family? Parents, siblings, etc? Close friends? What do they have to say about him not working and you supporting him and his child? I would hope that they would be mortified. If they don't know, perhaps it's time to tell them the reality and see if that motivates him to get off his ass and act like a grown man.
I'd cut off the money.
I'd cut off the money. Deposit your paycheck into an account to which he does not have any access. He has not acted in a trustworthy or responsible way with your money in regards to YOUR household, therefore he will not be trusted with household funds. I'd also tell him to get a job and start contributing to the household pronto, and if he can't do that, I'd give some serious thought to why I stay with him. He sounds like a user.
If he tries to tell you you're selfish or greedy, turn it around on him. He's selfish to take from you. Seriously, make an exit plan. Being alone would be better than being used.
Finally! Another bank account...
First of all thank you everyone, i love you all for all the support and true words which i need to hear...
I like to let you know i have contacted my bank and opened another account, my bank card will be arrived soon, so i'm gonna transfer my salary (i'm not sure all of it or half or maybe most of it) to my new safe account. Maybe i just leave a bit of money in the old one for some urgent stuff. But as i read all of your comments, i was sure that i'm not the only one who thinks this is wrong and he should not spend my money in someone else home. Actually i feel a bit better, it was my first step so i finally did it! Thank you.
I still need all of your help (emotionally and advices) so please don't leave me and stay with me my friends...
Thank you...
No, nothing for "urgent stuff
No, nothing for "urgent stuff" because he will throw it all to his ex. Give him a very modest allowance for his needs and no more. Yes, you will have to do the grocery shopping but that's a small price to pay for taking back control of your finances.
Stand strong! YOU are in the right, don't listen to his crappy arguments
He will be mad, but watch how
He will be mad, but watch how fast he gets a job when he can't freeload off of you!! Taking away access to your funds will (hopefully) motivate him to get off his lazy a$$.