Everything is different.
Well, it happened. We knew it might. He was bound to have a child or two from his past wild behavior. Cut to last year, 6 kids in, and suddenly there's a new addition to the family. Surprise, it's a six foot tall 230 lbs uhh, 14 year old boy. We had talked about it several times. About how we would feel, how we would cope, how we would adjust... But life just happens, you know? I expected to be happy. And I was. I expected to be excited. And I was. What I did not expect was to feel an undeniably and deeply disturbing feeling of being an outsider in my own family. We got lucky, if you want to call it that. He's a sweet boy, and he respects women, which means we get along very well. What he also is, is an only child raised in a family full of drug addicts. He has already had sex for the first time, smokes pot with his mom, and has chronic stomach issues from not being fed properly as he grew. Because he grew up with no children around, I am now having to explain to my 4, 6, 7, and 11 year old children what condoms are, what an STD is, what prostitution means, why we don't use the N word, what cocaine, meth, molly, lsd, and heroin are, why discussions about 'licking a**' and 'sucking d***' are not appropriate, and why being gay isn't disgusting or offensive. Among other things... He doesn't mean anything by it, he just doesn't know because he was raised by wolves. I would argue he wasn't raised at all. Now my husband and I are fighting because his mother has been getting high again, and he wants John(I'd rather not use his real name, but he does have one, so we'll just go with this one...) to move in with us full time. I can't relax when he is with us, because I feel as though he needs near constant supervision. He needs someone around to tell him that catcalling young girls and calling them "b*****s" is NOT in fact, cool. Even LESS cool to show your little brothers and little sister that this is acceptable behavior. For this reason, I have asked my husband, who does not live with me full time, to be at my home whenever John is there. Now my husband is resentful and angry because he thinks I should just treat John as if he were my own child. I can't even fathom how I would go about doing that as I have had almost zero time to get to know him. He wants us to continue having a regular sex life(5-6x per week) when John continually knocks ferociously at the door if it is ever closed wanting to know "what are you doing?" And asks 35 irrelevant questions after being told to please go play and let us relax for a bit. Nighttime sex is out of the question, as John's normal routine is to stay up until 6 am and sleep until 4pm. Again, the knocking at the door. I now feel incredibly uncomfortable even attempting to be intimate with my husband with him in the house. One of the reasons we live apart is because I cherish my space. My room is mine. All of you open-door-policy-parents, good for you, that will never be me. I am a "knock-first-my-door-is-closed-for-a-reason" type of parent. Some parents can play on the floor with their kids for hours and hours and love and happiness just blooms from their hearts....not me. I do not enjoy more than an hour at a time before I need some time to do something else. I guess I'm selfish. Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely sleep outside if there was only room inside for my babies. I would, and have, gone without eating to make sure they have enough. I have sewn halloween costumes, and read endless bedtime stories, and prepared from-scratch meals which we sit at the table and eat together regularly. I have brought my 16 year old milk and cookies and had long discussions with my children about what they want to do, and be, and what they love. I have found a thousand ways to tell and show them how much I love them, but playing with them for hours? No thanks. Can't do it. But John....he needs an adult with him at all time to keep him busy, to make sure he is behaving age-appropriate with his brothers and sister, and now that we have spent some real time with him over the last few weeks, it has become apparent that he has some learning disabilities. He definitely has special needs, which is no problem really, but poses extra difficulty at a time when the country is in lockdown, my 4 year old has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, and in the wake of a year of semi-severe post partum depression. It's killing me. My husband's response to my saying he needs to be here when John is here? "I have s*** to do, I can't be taking him everywhere with me." As if that somehow absolves him of the responsibility to raise this child who is in every way HIS CHILD. Do I love John? Yes. Do I think of him as my own? No. Will I ever? I don't know, I JUST MET HIM. Yes, we have known ABOUT him for a year, but we havent spent much time with him until a few weeks ago when we started having him over regularly. Now for the last week, we have had him every single day. Funny how my husband is allowed to drop John off when he wants to and just say "I have s*** to do," but as a reason as to why I cannot and will not raise him alone at any point during our transition "I have s*** to do," just doesn't cut it. Hm. Hmm. I want to feel the exact same way about John as I do about my other kids, but the truth is that I don't. Yet. It is so unfair for my husband to expect me to have no difficulty whatsoever coping with an impossibly difficult situation. And the cherry on top? Schools are still out here, so now he wants me to homeschool John with the other children. And get him caught up since he is failing. Good. Great. FanTASTIC. I have no idea where we go from here, but I'm trying my best to make good of a bad situation for all of us and I wish I had some support and understanding. According to my husband, the fact that I'm not jumping for joy at the chance to add one more to my already overwhelming family makes me a less-than-wonderful person to put it nicely. I have feelings. I don't see how it is possible to go through something so life-altering and have only good things to say about it.
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Tell your dh that either he
Tell your dh that either he is there when John is there or he'd better look for a second job to pay for the alimony and child support for five kids.
OK, I'm struggling a bit with
OK, I'm struggling a bit with this story, but I'll play along.
You have 6 kids under the age of 14, who are home-schooled due to COVID, all meals from scratch - yet you are locked away in your bedroom to get some quiet time. Your husband doesn't live there, but comes over 5-6x a week to have sex. His unknown child from his wild youth just showed up on your doorstep, and despite the fact that he's "sweet" and "respects women" and "listens to you", he's endlessly talking about sex and drugs in front of your children. You are giving him a pass for "not knowing any better", as if he's never been to school or in public and doesn't know it's wrong to do these things. Your husband would like you to just take him on full-time while he does what? with all of his free time. Where does he live? Does he help with the other kids?
No is a complete sentence.
When I DO get time to myself,
When I DO get time to myself, yes, I spend it in my room. It isnt very often or for very long, and my husband isn't some sex hungry crazy person, we both enjoy having a regular sex life. I am a more than willing participant when it comes to sex on a regular basis, and am not put out in any way by the frequency of it. It is an enjoyable and effective way to connect in our relationship. Many people don't care for it, or at least not so often, but I like our sex life the way it is. I also understand what you're saying about giving him a pass, and I am probably doing a little of that, but I maybe wasn't specific enough. I should have said he respects being told to change his behavior when I'm the one telling him to do it. He seems to look to me for guidance rather than his father, and tends to prefer spending time with me and trying to be helpful rather than doing things with his dad. When he asks for permission to do things, he always asks me and not his father. Maybe it has something to do with being raised by women. I have no idea what they told him about his dad, so maybe they told him nothing, and maybe they told him that his dad didn't care, I don't know. He also has some mental disabilities, but I dont know the extent of it, so the "pass" I'm giving him is more related to that than anything. I still have no idea what his disabilities are, but I do know that his mother receives social security benefits for some kind of diagnosed disability. I don't know whether he is on the scale for autism, or something else, but he is not the same as other children. I have told my husband NO, and so he has been here with his child whenever John has been here, but feels I am being unreasonable. I don't care if he feels I am being unreasonable, because I know I am not. As far as helping with the other kids, yes. He takes care of them financially, and is often there for them physically as well, spending time with them, taking them places(although not much anymore because of covid), and he has always been extremely involved with our kids' extra curriculars, usually being the one to take them to their club meetings, sports events, etc. Which was difficult for me to do with a newborn. Less so lately, because he has added extra work to his schedule, unfortunately that was already done before John wanted to come and stay with us. I have considered just telling him to take a hike permanently, and I wont say that isnt an option, but it isnt ideal. My oldest child, is 16, and is from a previous marriage. The others are still very young, all under the age of 11. And yes, I know that is a LOT of kids. I am aware. I signed up for that by conceiving them.
Yeah, if this is real, John
Yeah, if this is real, John does not sound like a sweet boy who respects women. Don't become his babysitters Also, not judging you, but from what you say, you live alone with 6 children, but your husband lives elsewhere because you like your quiet time? How loud is your husband and what does he do that 6 kids don't do? Could John have inherited his behavior problems from his dad? Idk. The whole thing sounds crazy. In any case, if you don't live with your husband, you sure as hell should not have to put up with John.
Seriously, I have a hard time
Seriously, I have a hard enough time getting quiet, away time with one small dog who wants attention and to have his needs met all the time, much less 6 children stuck at home due to a pandemic.
There are many reasons my
There are many reasons my husband and I choose to live separately. One of the major ones for me is that he can be a very angry person. When we live together, we fight. When we live separately, we do not. When looked at as a bigger picture, John's grandmother and uncle(on his mother's side)have mild-severe mental disabilities, one of our sons was recently assessed and is now receiving services for autism, and based on my husband's behavioral problems which he has had since toddlerhood, it is safe to say that yes, some of his issues could be from his father. I don't know whether you meant from his father being absent, or genetically inherited, but my therapist(yes, I am seeing one), has suggested in recent months that my husband may need to be assessed for autism as well, which his mother doesn't believe in(don't ask me, I dont know wtf her deal is...). So there are a lot of things at play here, not the least of which is that while John has issues with appropriateness in his language and topic of conversation, when corrected, he is very receptive and immediately and with a good attitude, changes his behavior. It has only been a week and the instances of this have already decreased dramatically. He hasn't been with me the whole time because I demanded his dad take him home with him, and he did. The issue seems to be that my husband would prefer me to act as though everything is fine and normal and nothing is changing, which I have refused to do. So now we have been at a cold, silent impasse for a couple of days. The forum is for venting, so that's what I decided to do. I didnt know what else to do since I won't budge and he wont either.
File for divorce, and he can
File for divorce, and he can pay child support for 7 kids. He has no right to impose this child on your home when he isn't even there to help. You are putting up with way too much.
I did mean genetically
I did mean genetically inherited. I think it bears repeating, though. If your husband's behavior is so bad that you can't live with him, you sure as hell shouldn't subject yourself to living with, even for a little while, this kid who showed up out of nowhere whose behavior sounds awful.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
your husband doesn't live with you.
his son from previous relationship stays with you when he visits. Why doesn't he stay with his dad on whatever location dad is residing???? This boy needs to have a visitation with his dad in a place where dad lives. Not visitation with you in your home. Is this boy visiting you or his dad?
Is this man your actual husband as legally married??
Yes we are legally married.
Yes we are legally married. Liking my quiet time is only one of many reasons we don't reside together. He has a small place off-grid in the country, and I live in the city. He has our animals with him as we can't have goats and chickens etc. in the city. I forget sometimes that other people don't know our 12 year history when explaining things. When I say his son is respectful, what I mean is that when corrected, he gives no attitude, and tries to change his behavior. He doesn't seem to harbor any resentment toward me, and isn't belligerent or rude when asked to stop doing something. As I also said before, he has some learning disabilities. We are just getting to know him, and his family seems embarassed to talk about what those disabilities are exactly, and haven't gone into any sort of detail despite being asked about his issues. Living separately is how we both prefer it, and usually we go back and forth quite a bit. Many people don't understand and that's okay, but it is what works best and we have tried it both ways. We haven't always lived apart, but we get along better and our time together is almost always peaceful because of the space we each have. He usually works during the week at night, but his schedule isn't solid, and changes often depending on what's going on with his job. That is the main reason the kids are with me most of the time. I usually have much more involved family members, but with covid, they are all staying home, and so I've been doing the majority of everything myself. My husband's son is here when he visits, because he prefers my home to his dads. He is getting used to not talking about inappropriate things in front of the kids, but remember, I did say he has only been with us full time for a week. That is not a lot of time to completely retrain a child who has lived a life like what he has been through. I'm not making excuses for him, it's just a fact. I believe his disabilities play a part in his inability to comprehend what's wrong with saying certain things in front of children, but his attitude about changing his behavior is very good. He has never once talked back to me, and is always helpful with chores when he is at my home. My problem isnt with him, it is with his father who seems to want to add him to our family without making any changes of his own. We are all still going through an adjustment period, and it has been especially difficult for me. My husband and his whole family seem to expect me to just carry on as if nothing at all has changed, but the truth is that I've been thrown into being a stepmom and I've not only never done it before, but haven't even had the chance to know John throughout his life. His mother kept him a secret until his grandmother contacted my sister in law, who then proceeded to make arrangements for his entry into "our family" without talking to us first, and even urged my husband to keep it all a secret from me when she decided to tell him about it. He comes from an extremely meddlesome family, and his mother and sisters had just finally begun to leave us alone when this all came to light. At first, John didn't really want to spend much time with his father, so for a year or so, we saw him for a few hours at a time during visits to his grandmother's house. We never took him anywhere with us, because he didn't want to go. Now, suddenly he is with us all of the time, and I have no idea what is normal responsibility for a stepparent since both of mine just didnt want anything to do with me and sent me away at the first available opportunity. My husband won't listen and gets angry when I say that John is his responsibility. I don't know if his views on it will ever change, or if he is only acting this way because he also doesn't have any idea what to do, but it is a very confusing time for me. He supports us financially, and is there for his children on a mostly daily basis. He actually spends quite a bit of time with them, but this situation seems impossible.
The answer to me is simple -
The answer to me is simple - NO. The kid stays with him 100% of the time. If he's at your house, he can bring John along. If not, John stays at his home. Who cares what he "expects" or what John wants. Tell him to pound sand.
The child needs to live with
It's fine that you live apart but his child needs to live with his father. Not stepmother. It's fine that dad lives in a country. His son can stay with him in a country. It's ok to live in a small place. If dad lives alone he doesn't need large place. His son can and should still stay there
Yeah, it's one thing for the
Yeah, it's one thing for the dad to expect OP to raise their kids, if he is financially supporting them and that is their arrangement. But he can't just toss in a newly discovered love child from another woman (with behavior problems) and expect OP to just carry on like she has with their shared kids.
There is literally zero
There is literally zero reason for this child to be at your house if his father isn't there. Your husband needs to figure out how to do his "sh*t" with his child accompanying him or at a time when the child is with his mother. I let my husband know long ago that if SD was at our house, he needed to be there also. If he had an errand to run, SD needed to go with him. He wanted her half the time and for that reason I expect him to deal with her half the time. Not me.
Your post made me smile. I
Your post made me smile. I feel the same way, which is why I decided to post here. I did exactly that and said you're not leaving him here alone with me, and now he's upset. I don't want my husband to be upset, and I don't want John to feel displaced, but I am not willing to budge on his father being here with him. I've already decided that they both need to go to my husband's place and stay there for a few days. This is his son, and tbh, I'm not ready to be a full-time SM yet. Throwing us all together and hoping for the best is a recipe for disaster, and I'm not putting anyone through that, especially not all the kids. Why do so many people act as though SM are horrible for expecting the dads to take care of SD/SS themselves? Especially since I wasn't asked if it was okay with me. I get that he feels he needs to take care of his son, and that's fine, but thats HIS job. I will help when and where I can, but I'm not his mother....
John is displaced now living
John is displaced now living with a stepmother. He won't be displaced living with his dad where he needs to be living. In dads place. In a country or wherever dad lives. That's how it works.
I don't know any people who
I don't know any people who think that kids must live with SM instead of the actual parent. No one thinks that or believes that. No one ever said that kids must visit stepparents in their house instead of visiting actual parent in his or her house.
This. It is absolutely
This. It is absolutely nothing short of rediculous that your husband thinks his kid should be staying with you instead of him. Damn, what nerve.
I don't even understand how
I don't even understand how and why you ended up as a full-time parent to this kid on his visitation when your DH, who is the parent and should be developing a relationship with his son and teaching him right from wrong, is getting away doing nothing. You don't want your DH upset? Pffft. Who cares? He needs to step up and be a parent. Be a role model to the kid, a good one. Stop being a doormat. Empower yourself. He should be with his dad.