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No visitation again this week...

Nymh's picture

Last time SS couldn't come on visitation because he was sick. BF said that when he talked to SS on the phone he really sounded genuinely sick, so I thought nothing of it. BM agreed to let him come extra to make up for it. This time, however, BF drove all the way out to get him and when he got there SS told him he didn't want to come. We received no phone call, no email, no message whatsoever to call before he went out there. When he came back without his son he tried to be positive but I could tell he was crushed.

I am pretty concerned. Missing one week isn't so bad but two in a row has gotten me worried. I asked BF why SS didn't want to come this time, and he said that it was because he didn't want to deal with the way his mom acts when he gets home. I really hope that this is going to become a regular thing. Have any of you had experience with this type of situation? Is there anything we can do for SS or say to BM? Or will the two of them just have to figure things out themselves?

Comments

happy mom's picture

i would have your bf talk to bm and ask why their son is saying that about her. that no matter what your weekend is yours and you'll take ss no matter what his condition is. that she should not scold or whatever she does to make their son feels this way, its bad on the child. i would pick him up of have her drop ss off on your weekend...no matter what...otherwise bm will let this continue and have you guys suffer. sometimes you need to put your foot down and stick to it.

-happy mom

Nymh's picture

I don't think that us talking to her will help. We've tried to tell her that the way she's treating SS is hurting him but she doesn't believe us. She's got "Perfect Mother" syndrome. There's no possible way SHE could be the one causing all this emotional stress that she keeps talking about, it must be US.

Last time we had a conversation with SS about it he told us that sometimes he goes into his room and hides from his mom because he gets so upset at the questions or the way she acts when he gets home. He told us that she hurts his feelings and sometimes he cries. We tried to tell him that he could tell his mom how he feels but I don't think that he will.

I would love to tell her, write her a letter or something, if I thought it would do any good. You love to tell us how much we hurt SS, which we have no proof of, but let me tell you what he tells US... I'm just so concerned. I feel like we need to do what we can to inform her so that maybe she'll get it before it's too late and she's ruined her relationship with her son.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Anne 8102's picture

The same thing was happening with us and we tried to respectfully point out that Mom's third degree, ugly comments, etc. were very hurtful to the kids, but she just blew a major gasket and wouldn't let us see them for months. She never stopped, it continues today. But what we did do that helped was address it individually with the children. We gave them what I think is wonderful advice... NEVER LET OTHER PEOPLE DICTATE YOUR EMOTIONS TO YOU. We explained that sometimes, especially where there's a divorce situation, that parents have their own agendas and sometimes those agendas don't take into consideration what is best for the kids. We told the kids to take the best all of their parents and step-parents have to offer and throw out the rest. We also told them to trust their own instincts and not to let other people (namely, their mother) form their opinions, that they are bright, intelligent children capable of forming their own opinions. If you work on the kids and building their self-esteem, then they will eventually learn to filter out much of the BS and believe what they know to be true.

~ Anne ~

Caitlin's picture

Nymh, how old is your SS? I think he should get counseling. We went through the exact same thing last year when my SD was 10. She was so worried about the interrogations she'd get from BM when we'd drop her off after our weekends that she'd have terrible anxiety attacks. She didn't come to our house for over four months. BM turned it into "SD doesn't want to come see us" when really it was "SD fears a) leaving her bipolar mother to her own devices for 2 days and b) facing her insanely jealous mother after having a lovely family weekend with Daddy, SM and baby sister."

The only way we were able to solve this (although it'll never really be solved) was to put SD in therapy. Her therapist has been wonderful! She reminds SD that it isn't her responsibility to parent her mother and that it's inappropriate for her mother to put her in the middle and grill her for information about her life with us. So now SD is able to say "Mom, don't put me in the middle."

I think that your SS could also benefit from a therapist who is neutral to both sides of his family and can advocate for him and help him deal with all the stress BM dumps on him. If he is hiding from BM in his room crying, something needs to be done! And you're right, it shouldn't be you telling BM what she's doing wrong, it should be a third party.

As for us, BM recently stopped taking SD to therapy (and didn't tell us) because the therapist did just that: she told her what she was doing wrong and how her actions were hurting her daughter. This is so frustrating. Thank goodness for Saturday hours, because we'll be taking SD back to therapy on our weekends. The woman is just despicable! You don't disrupt your child's therapy because you don't like hearing the hard truth!

Good luck! It sounds like SS is a very lucky kid to have you.

Nymh's picture

He's just a kid, not 10 yet. Any time anyone mentions it to BM she gets all defensive. And she's done the very thing that you're talking about. I got an email saying "I just wanted to let you know that BF was denied visitation because of YOU. How does that make you feel?" I feel so bad for SS. I will look into counseling but honestly I don't think BM will bring him to it and will probably deny permission to it anyway. She has this fear of hearing the truth and schedules her life around avoiding it.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

goldenlife's picture

You're so right! They refused to see or hear the truth! Amazing!

BM in our situation wrote a letter and threatened to sue the therapist my DH was taking his kids. This was because the therapist said that BM was not always right and what Skids did at our house was none of her business. After one session, she raised so much hell, the therapist refused to see my Dh and kids.

Nymh, every time you describe your SS and how he reacts, it breaks my heart. He seems so sweet and sensitive that I want to protect him so much! It's just so unfair to him!

Caitlin's picture

My heart goes out to your SS. I will never understand how parents can hurt their kids, just to blame the other parent.

Your BF should take this to court if it continues any longer. If he's denied his 50/50 custody, she's in contempt of court. She'll try to say "he doesn't want to go" but first, that's irrelevent - she's the parent and she is to encourage her son to be with his father when it's time. Second, then you can get a court-appointed therapist or advocate for SS to get to the reasons why he doesn't want to go. The truth will come out and maybe she'll be held accountable. Maybe they'll revise the custody order. Maybe they'll order HER into therapy to deal with her issues instead of laying it on her kid.

If going to court is not an option, just make sure you let SS know that there's no pressure on him from your end. It sounds like he really opens up to you about what's going on, so just keep the lines of communication open. I know that discussing things with BM is just about impossible (we're in that boat, too) so I wouldn't even go there. Maybe you could have SS talk to a counselor at school if BM won't allow therapy. I really think he needs a neutral third party to share things with. It has really helped my SD.

SteppedOn's picture

This is a prime example of parental alienation. DH needs to document it fully and should take action with his attorney if he is denied visitation once more. I think that your SS is handling as well as he can, but it obviously is working because it is making him say that he doesn't want to go for visitation.

Should SS say that to a judge or counselor, I think there would be an issue with HER custody siutation as she is obviously trying to poison his mind against his father.

I saw on a morning show where a father suffered this same situation and the mother lost primary custody to the father and the child is a much happier child now. Wish it could happen in more cases.

OldTimer's picture

We have a clause in our court order regarding this very thing. We used to have a problem with BM doing the same thing with my SS.

Infact, it reads:

Each parent shall exert every effort to maintain free access and umhampered contact between the child and other parent, and to foster a feeling of affection between the child and the other parent. Neither parent shall do anything which would estrange the child from the other parent, which would injure the opinion of the child as to his mother or father, or would impair the natural development of the child's love and respect for the other parent.

So, we've gone into court and she's been forwarned quite a few times. She lost visitation time because of it. She used to give SS the three degree everytime he went back home. So, we just enforced that we loved him and we didn't EVER talk about his mother or things going on at his mothers home, etc. Like she didn't exist. Just focused on US. Eventually, because of that, SS just stopped responding to her and giving her the response she wanted, so she eventually gave up. Plus, she knows that now we're married, I'm not going away.