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BM and DH Texts, texts and more texts

No Name's picture

The texting always initiated by BM has been going on for months.  Even the therapist told DH to stop responding.  He has not.  If he doesn't respond oldest SD texts and wants to know why he hasn't responded. His phone is glued to him these days, never was before.  I can't sleep at night.  He wants to know what is wrong.  How many times can I possibly tell him to cut her out of our lives.  He responds that it will calm down after the upcoming wedding.  I notice that he is not telling me that it will stop.

To be honest I got a hold of his phone at one point and blocked her but he unblocked her when skids asked why he wasn't responding to BM.

He keeps telling me that we are going to get through this rough patch but I am not so sure.  I mean really the ball is in his court.  
 

This is our first time in therapy and he isn't happy about it but going however he is not following any of the advice given.

I pretty much put it all on the table when we were there and he became very defensive and was not happy.

I want our life back that did not include BM.

I have always encouraged his relationship with the skids with or without me....most of the time without.

Any suggestions?

Also I was thinking about saying something about this to her DH at the upcoming wedding if I have the opportunity.  She seems to run that poor guy but he is always on social media stating that she is the love of his life.  Comments please.

Comments

Petronella's picture

You're thinking of talking to whose DH? BM's DH?? No don't do that!! Have some dignity. You'll just become more gossip fodder for them. 

If your husband won't stop this unreasonable behaviour, you should, with the therapist's help, give him an ultimatum. Leave his ex alone or your marriage is over. I don't see what other option you have. Unless you want to live this way forever. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - take back your dignity and let DH know what your limits are.  He's enmeshed with his ex-wife and adult kids (I can't figure out what's going on by your old blogs - someone is getting married?) and he's not listening to what you need.

The only person you can control is YOU, not BM or DH.  So decide how much you will put up with and let him know. And don't block his phone or talk to BM's husband, that's just controlling behavior that makes you look bad.

Personally, if my DH was talking to BM all day by text I'd have moved into the guest bedroom and be looking for a new place to live.  Maybe I don't have much patience, but I would not put up with this for very long.

No Name's picture

YSD is getting married.  I am so upset over this constant texting and DH meeting BM and skids our for dinner that I fall asleep but can't stay asleep so I am in the recliner, on the sofa, in the guest room.  I feel that between BM and the skids and DH the foundation of our marriage went from being a rock to sand. 

Winterglow's picture

He goes out to dinner with the skids and his ex like they were still one big happy family? Tell me, No Name, is he intellectually challenged?

Disneyfan's picture

Why would you drag someone else into your issue?  This isnot a BM problem, this is a husband problem.   Your husband is making the CHOICE to engage so intently with BM.

He is making the CHOICE to disregard your feelings on this  He is making the CHOICE to go against the advice of your therapist. 

Talking to BM's husband may get you the results you want.  But the change won't be because your husband respected you wishes enough put an end to something that bothers you(rightfully so) so much.

justmakingthebest's picture

**Edited, I thought you guys were getting married originally. 

I am not one that really believes in ultimatums. They are a power trip and control tactic. HOWEVER in this case, there might have to be one.

He needs to tell her that from now on unless there is an actual emergency- Kids in hospital, active shooter at the school, someone died- All questions, comments or concerns should be addressed in an email that he will respond to at his earliest convenience. 

When "Co-parenting" there really isn't a need for constant communications. What happens at BM's house is her issue to deal with unless it is related to issues in school that need additional help from him or medical, or some activity that may interfere with his parenting time. The same goes for you house. It really isn't hard. He just needs to have boundaries and if he wants to stay enmeshed with her, then that is something that you have to decide is a deal breaker or not for you. I think it would be for me in all honesty. 

hereiam's picture

I think all of her steps are adults, so there truly is NO need for constant communication, if any. My DH hasn't spoken to BM since my SD was 18.

justmakingthebest's picture

If they are all adults then the only communication ever would be if one of them was in an accident or something seriously and traumatically wrong! Holy crap. I didn't even realize this. 

Yes, you need an ultimatum here. If he can't create a STRONG boundary then I would leave. This is not ok.

BethAnne's picture

What does he say when he is asked why he keeps responding? Maybe getting to the root of the issue may help to find a solution or help him to understand what is happening and motivate him to change is behavior. 

 

No Name's picture

He says that he is trying to "help" her because she is the Mother of his children.  I told him that she has a husband to do that.  

hereiam's picture

Such a bullshit line, especially since the "children" are adults, and like you said, she has a husband, and maybe even friends and other family.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I've thought about telling BM's husband about all the inappropriateness, but i came to the realization that i could only do that if i were leaving the relationship. Picture the movie scene where the guy is slow-walking away from the explosion in the background. I realized that my situation would be so much worse if BM were single. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure what really is going on with this.  I'm curious why you don't ever respond past your initial post too?

Without knowing the ages of all your Skids, it's unclear whether your DH has a legit reason he may need to still communicate with his EX.

Without knowing how your relationship with your DH started and how long etc.. it's difficult to give advice or possibly rational for why the kids are trying to apparently get their parents back together.

Ostensibly, if all the kids are adults.. and they were divorced before you came on the scene.. there is no reason for your DH to be speaking with his ex about pretty much anythign and he can tell his kids to MYOB.. and that's about it.

ESMOD's picture

I do see a few responses above. 

I think if it is the youngest child getting married then all are adults.. your DH needs to explain to his kids when THEY call and tell them. "remember.. your mom and I are divorced.. we don't need to communicate.. if there is something about the wedding you have a question on.. please let me know... but I am not interested in jointly discussing this with your mother".

somethingwicked's picture

Exactly.What happened with the 5pm dinner with the Skids and BioHo you posted ,OP, on FEb 9th?

Did the dinner date come and go?Did DH attend?

Now you write about an upcoming wedding

I agree with ESMOD it is difficult to follow what is going on and when and your response to comments are few .

Everyone has advised that DH is a jerk if he hangs with his EX and the Adult Skids are a pack of manipulative a$$es. 

You are already in therapy.Not working.

Maybe it IS time to pull the pin on this marriage . Let DH go play with his EX and skids at Happy Family.

There is so much disrespect towards your partnership and you are an emotional mess from the stress.Get out of it and save yourself.

No Name's picture

He met them for dinner.  This is twice now.  The adult skids are calling the shots along with BM.  Apparently the only way that he can see the skids and the grandskids is if he does it when they tell him and where they tell him. 
I already suggested that we separate.  I told him that there is only room in this marriage for one wife.  He stated that he doesn't want to do that.

The skids are controlling him along with BM. 
He so badly wants a relationship with the skids and grandskids that he is taking me and our marriage for granted and destroying it in the process.  We have been in therapy for a very short time.  How long do most people give it?  After all of these years I hate to give it all up and start over especially at my age.

The upcoming wedding has me so stressed.  I will blog about that later.

tog redux's picture

He feels between a rock and a hard place then - his relationship with his kids hinges on doing what they say and interacting with BM.

I'd let him know he needs to get his own therapy for a period of time - this is his issue, not yours. He has to decide if he is willing to let them control him and destroy his marriage, or if he is going to set limits. The truth is that any relationship based on extortion isn't a real relationship, but he has to come to that realization on his own. 

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

No don't marry into a situation that makes you unhappy. The marriage certificate isn't going to change anything. Cancel the wedding until  things are the way you want it. It's your life and your future. If the changes aren't something he wants then he needs to accept it and cancel the wedding himself. 
when I first met DH he too would respond to  BMs constant texts and often right in front of me. I told him I'm not going to be with someone who is in constant communication with his ex. He stopped and put her on one email a month, to reconcile kid expenses which they share and pay out of pocket for, which she complied with. Now she only sends him a text once or twice a year with immediate information that he needs for an immediate situation. He said it was freeing and a relief to finally have her out of his hair.

No Name's picture

The skids are all in their 20's.  BM and DH we're divorced 5 years before we met.  We have been together 18 years.  The only time DH and I have problems in our marriage is when it involves BM and skids.  DH did or said something about 5 years ago that made BM angry so she didn't talk to him for years.  This was the best time.  Now it looks like she is back with a vengeance and making up for lost time.

tog redux's picture

Your DH is the problem here - not BM. He's allowing her to take over in this manner and he's not setting limits.

No coparenting is needed when their children are grown adults, they can communicate on their own with DH. Ultimately, this falls entirely on DH to set limits on BM and you will have to decide how long you can live this way, because it's apparent that DH does not care about your feelings. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the only time he put you before her was by her choice, when she wouldn't speak to him. I saw that you are hoping a therapist will get through to him, but i don't think that's possible. Nobody can force him to care about your feeings and put you first. He either does or doesn't. This bull crap with the texts is hurting you, and he doesn't care. You deserve better. The vindictive part of me wants you to leave him, then tell BM's DH about it, and let your DH and BM deal with the ensuing drama. However, the best thing for you to do is put yourself first (since your pathetic DH won't) get out, and live for yourself. That will clear the way for you to find a guy who treats you the right way. Living well is the best revenge. 

Steptotheright's picture

What is she texting him about?

Have you had a chance to go through the texts?

it seems to me that he's being guilted into still having a relationship of some sort with BM by his kids. They're the ones, after he doesn't respond to her for a while, that hit him up and say, "Why aren't you responding to Mom?"

I think the most troubling of all of this is that he meets up with them for dinner. Just like they're family again or something. I would say that's what you should target: this meeting the BM for dinner. If you stop that, the other stuff should settle down too, I guess.

No Name's picture

He is keeping his phone close by his side at all times, never did that before.  I did look at it about a week ago and it was mostly pictures of the skids and grandskids.  And wedding related pics.  But what bothered me was there were many pics that included her and pics from when they were a family.  Texts about how much they both love the skids and grandskids.  I just feel that it is inappropriate.  I am divorced and my ex is in my past and he is staying there.  I have had him blocked on my phone since we split.  I even asked DH how he would feel if I was meeting my ex and kids out for dinner and my ex was texting me all of the time.  I just feel that with DH knowing how much all of this is bothering me and hurting me he would put an end to it.  I feel that he is disrespecting me.

hereiam's picture

Oh, he is definitely disrespecting you (as are your steps). He needs to put BM and his kids, in their places. They have no business telling him that he needs to respond to BM's nonsense.

No Name's picture

I agree.  My only hope is that the therapist will get through to him because what I am saying is not working.  He keeps asking me what is wrong and I keep telling him but he is doing nothing about it.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, it sounds like he and BM are rekindling old love - hate to say that, but if my DH talked to any woman that way, I'd be upset. 

Petronella's picture

Agree and I don't often suspect a husband of getting back together with the BM. But this poster's husband is an extreme case. 

Steptotheright's picture

Well it is indeed disrespect hon.

I mean this is ridiculous they got divorced for a reason I assume. Next time this comes up which is probably going to be soon, tell him something to the effect of.. "When I leave you over this and you're left only with your kids and your ex, then you'll see how much less urgently they're trying to reach you and talk to you. You'll realize that they were playing you this whole time to disrespect our relationship.WAKE UP! Or I WILL be gone. and you'll just be a lonely man serving at the pleasure of your ex and your adult kids."

Don't mince words with this dunce. He needs the direct approach.

somethingwicked's picture

THIS^^^^

..that is what I told my DH right after I 100% disengaged from his adult manipulative a$$hole "girls"  and he was not happy .I told him DIVORCE is the next stop if he wants to be at their beck and call and expect me smile and  to go along with. 

I know your situation is somewhat different ,OP, as your DH is happy to go alone(mine  was not ~ so afraid of losing me, the meat shield , and having to deal with his lovelies all alone).

You write he does not want separation...well how about divorce?

I was in it (StepHell marriage ) for 21 years at that point and there ALWAYS was that atmosphere of anxiety and stress where his skids and the EX Hobag was concerned and knowing he did not have my back became more apparent through the years. They never grew up,not in heir minds and were as territorial as junk yard dogs. And whatever I did what ever Gumby contortions to bend over backwards and be nice it did not matter. They were staying the PAS'd course. 

For me it was a make or break moment.

And he disengaged as  well after  2 years of solo visits and taking their abuse.Now they are estranged..and we have peace and are happy. It is a shame but there was no "fixing" them and I was not going to hang on a cross I did not deserve as I did not create those bitches.

OP, you had no hand in rearing these weird adult children and cause for their longing for the Camelot First Holy Family they lost and are still trying to glue together..or something . Your DH shows that you are an also ran when he hurts you, disrespects you and happily attends these gatherings like all is well when he knows the adult children hate you .

Is he bored after 18 years?Fine ~tell him to get back wth the EX.Why'd they break up n the first place?

She prob cheated  on EX with her current H and is now  tired of that guy.Who knows. Maybe it's financial and her EX ,your DH, is worth more.

I'd def be GONE if he goes off again.F*ck that .

 

 

ESMOD's picture

This honestly doesn't sound like it should be so difficult.

Honey.. I want you to block BM.. there is literally zero reason for you and her to communicate now that the kids are adult.

DH.. Sure.. Blocked.

SK's.. "dadeeeee why are you not responsing to mommeeee????"

DH.. "Because we are no longer married and don't have any minor children any more.... There is nothing that we need to jointly discuss"

SK's.. 'but she wants to talk to you about wedding plans.. ."

DH "It's your wedding.. if you have a question.. go ahead.. I'm not planning anything with your  mother"

tog redux's picture

Right. He's getting an emotional need met by this interaction with BM and he doesn't want to give it up. He'd rather play dumb with his wife and pretend he has no idea what she's upset about.

OP - he needs a wake-up call here, I think, personally.  You've done therapy, you are sleeping on the couch - what is your next step?

ESMOD's picture

If this is your dream then you need to stop beating around the bush with him.  Stop with the "hints" and the "frurstrated attitude".

Tell him clearly.

DH.. you are no longer married to her and your kids are all adults.  I do not see any reason for you to have direct contact with your EX and I want you to block her number and email account.

If he hems and haws on THAT.. I would ask him why he needs to have contact when he has adult kids that he can talk with directly... tell him that he can tell his kids he is not going to entertain their mother's inappropriate contact any longer.

If he won't do that.. I would seriously consider whether it was all worth it.. because he does not have to do what he is doing with her.

Delilah's picture

Sorry but what you are talking about is an affair Sad

He knows you are upset, that you are being physically and emotionally effected but doesnt care enough to either 1)respect what you and your therapist are telling him multiple times 2) have the guts to tell you the truth - which imo he is having an affair. Reliving the 1st family, phone glued to him, family dinners?!why arent you and the SF not invited to these? Absolutely F*cking not!

I would be livid, uncaring about an upcoming wedding when your own marriage is wrecked. If he doesnt care/listen and you are at the end of your nerve i would REFUSE to go to this d*mn wedding! See if he doesnt hear, process and retain THAT!

tog redux's picture

I agree. Just because it's his ex-wife doesn't make it okay for him to have such an emotionally intense relationship with another woman. 

My DH's best friend is a woman - they go out to eat, to movies, etc - I'm fine with it.  But if he was texting her all day like this? HELL no. 

No Name's picture

I don't want to go to the wedding.  Truly I don't.  My anxiety and stress level are over the roof about it.  We have been arguing about me not going since they set the date.  I finally caved and said that I would go but that we would not be staying at the hotel, that we would not be attending the after party and that he best not leave me sitting by myself for the entire event as he has done in the past.  Now the skids are texting him about staying at the hotel.  I should have said if you do I am not going but instead I said if you are doing that we will be taking two cars and I will be driving home.  He said he didn't want to do that.  Isn't six hours enough?  I also reminded him that originally he agreed to not staying at the hotel.

Steptotheright's picture

"I finally caved"

We have to work on you not doing that. You must stand firm in what you believe is right and comfortable for you. They don't include you in the planning or any of it and they hog your husband's time and attention and love. They don't want you to have any of it. It seems to me they're treating you like a nonentity. Like you don't even exist. This is scorched-earth. You have to make a stand and say if they don't include me and aren't willing to share you then I don't include them and I'm not willing to share either.

I put a post above about what I feel you should say --or something close to it-- to him. That's really what it's down to at this point, from what I'm reading

Delilah's picture

What you have said it seems you are doing all the compromising, you are doing all the caving and the parameters of what is agreed upon keep changing to his advantage and to your disadvantage which means your stress levels are just increasing.

What is also an issue and jumps out to me as a massive concern, is if he is so concerned about having access to his grandchildren and having a continued good relationship with his kids, to the point that he is jumping through these hoops, then when does that *ss licking end? When does he become reassured that he doesn't have to do XYZ,to keep his kids happy in order to get what he wants from them? When does that hoop jumping end? (As apparently its against his will which I must be honest I'm extremely sceptical about as currently he's getting everything he wants).

As far as I can see and as far as my experience goes it will never end, there will always be something that he will have to do in order to get X or y and that will come at the expense of your sanity and your marriage.

You told him that you don't feel comfortable going to this wedding given the absolute mayhem it is costing your marriage and he lied to get you to go. He lied because he keeps changing his expectations of agreed upon stipulations of the attendance. So what else is he lying about? When does your happiness count?

So what if you have agreed to go? I would change my mind, I would pay lip service, as he is doing with you currently. Then I would do whatever I wanted, with a clear conscience.. Even if that is selfish. No way in hell would I be taking the moral high ground while my man just trampled all over me and my mental well-being. I wouldn't argue about it either nor would I discuss it this man as he has been told time and again how you feel, what's happening in order for you to feel that way and how he can make things right.

In fact if I were in your shoes I would act completely ingenuine to his upset, just like he's doing with you. I would replicate all of his behaviours and see how he enjoys being on the receiving end of such behaviours. As imo some men only ever understand when they feel the burn of the same betrayal that they are treating you to. Besides why bother wasting your energy with anything else as I don't know how many other ways you can paint it for him, he doesn't *really* care, because if he did it would change and don't fall for the it will change after the wedding BS line, it won't it will just be something else. He gets it. He's not stupid, It's just he doesn't want to change as he's getting everything that he needs currently. So make things uncomfortable for him rather than you getting upset. Focus all your energy on that. He knows you're unhappy so treat him to the same feeling.
He has told you he doesn't want to end his marriage. So I would start flexing your power in this relationship and point blank refuse to go to this wedding. In fact I probably would take perverse pleasure in informing him of the fact that I wouldn't be going and I would stick to it too. After all, it is not your problem, it is his and he will panic seeing as this would cause him issues with ex and step kids.

I am sure you can anticipate what he will and can do in order to put pressure on you so take action to reduce and or remove that impact on you. Detach and disengage your emotions and interactions with him, start putting your own happiness first and give yourself some space to consider what you really want from everything.

JIMPO.

Justthesecondwife's picture

She gave valid points that you are the only one who is hurting, caving, compromising etc. I want to put this in a nice way, because I understand how diffidicult it is and how much you want your marriage to work and I don't want to upset you, but this is also on you. I mean this with regard to your capitulating to DH's wants, regardless of how much you have told him you don't like it, or won't stand for it, you still let it happen without much consequence to your DH.

It reminds me of children and how they will whinge and whine to get what they want. If it gets to a point where it is too irritating to the parent that they give in, the child learns that to get what they want all they have to do is whinge and whine. Same as some people in relationships where one partner is behaving in a way the other is hurt by, but when they are confronted they threaten to leave, so the hurt partner withdraws their complaint out of fear of being left. The badly having partner learns if they threaten to leave it will stop any complaints by their partner, thus they can continue doing as they please.

In your posts I have noticed you have stated many times how you have told your DH that you are hurt by something, or are not comfortable, or won't be doing something (read: going to the wedding), or won't accept a certain behaviour in your marriage. Yet, when push comes to shove you back down on your stand and your DH gets his own way. Leaving him, skids and BM happy, but you miserable and your marriage in tatters.

We teach people how to treat us. This is achieved by providing consenquences for actions. If we state consequences for particular actions but never actually give them, it negates the concept of the consequences. Everyone has leverage in a relationship, as transactional and callous as it may sound. Usually the leverage is not required to to be threatened or utilised as both partners want to act in ways which make the other comfortable and choose to minimalise behaviours which do or have the potential to cause the other partner harm. Unfortunately, using leverage seems to be a required aspect of your current relationship.

You and your DH both have leverage, yet he is the only one utlising his, and yours is going unused. Your DH is leverging his desire to behave inapproapriately with his ex wife and skids against your desire to continue with your mariage abd be treated with respect. It sounds unkind, which I don't mean it to be, but your DH knows or is confident enough that you are scared/upset/against divorce or setting non-negotiable boundaries with him, so he uses this veiled threat as leverage to be able to do what he wants as he does not think you are strong/capable/courageous enough to put boundaries up and actually leave him if he stomps them.

Now I know many people have told you to leave him, and there also have been some posters who have said it appears your DH is having an affair with BM, rekindling his love for her, or wants his old family back. I tend to agree with them, but who knows for sure? The issue of this though, YOU need to know the truth in this matter. It is essential for your mental health, happiness and future planning.

It is clear you want your marriage to work - but how much are you willing to put up with in order to stay married to this man? If you are willing to continue be treated in the way you have been with the real likelihood of it progressively getting worse, just to keep the marriage "in tact", then you need to stop complaining about it and accept it.

If, on the other hand, you are not willing to be treated with contempt and will only settle for a real marriage where both spouses come first, before any adult skids, and the BM is just a distant (nasty) memory, then you need to make that happen youself. Your DH has shown you time and time again that he will not put you or your marriage at the forefront, in fact he will jeopardize it for the sake of an ex and his adult kids wants. You can't want for him to wake up and smell the coffee on this one, it is up to you to make it happen. It is unfair, absolutely. Your DH should do this of his own accord, but he clearly isn't and is ignoring your feelings and mental health.

I would do one of two things. Firstly, as Delilah put it above, give your DH EXACTLY the same treatment he is giving you. Ignore any of his requests, rescind anything you agreed, put his feelings and needs last, and act as inappropriately as him with regard to pretneding you are single and mingling with other men. OR, sit him down and tell him once and for all if he does not cease immediate the following behaviours (list them and provide valid reasons why they are unacceptable to you and your marriage) and if he should CHOOSE to disregard your wishes then you will file for divorce. No caving, no compromise, you have to actually mean it and action it should it be required.

At this point in time your DH knows you may whinge and whine, but will end up allowing him to get away with everything that is hurting you, and disrespecting your marriage. Why would he stop his behaviours (not withstanding no normal loving spouse would behave like he is in the first place) when he knows you will not ever go through with anything that really affects him negatively and he doesn't think you will ever leave? He thinks you will just cop it, because that is what you've taught him!

I recommend having some time to reflect within yourself why you are caving, compromising etc when your DH isn't. Is it out of fear? If so, what is more scary to you - having your DH continue to behave like this and get worse with the passage of time, or leaving the situation? If your refletion says you are more scared of divorce, then accept DH for what he is, and what he is doing. If not, then stand up for yourself, remember your self worth, and refuse to continue in this relationship.

I really wish you the best. You have been put in a very unfair and unacceptable situation, which should not be your problem to fix. I really hope it can be resolved to provide you the happiness and respect you deserve.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

OP, are the kids all adults or over 16 years old. If so, they don’t need each other’s phone numbers.