Missed the party part 2
DH spoke to SD asking if we could take birthday grandchild out for a fun day and he was told NO.
SD said that he is family just the same as BM and he is to come to these family events with BM and her clan if he wants to see the grandkids.
He asked why BM can spend time with grandkids but he/we cannot. There was no answer.
So basically it is on their terms or not at all.
He set his boundaries but not sure what he's going to do with this. It's really a shame that there is a father who wants to see his adult children and grandchildren but unless it's where and when and with BM it's not going to happen.
They are not going to change, it's been too many years of them setting the rules and him being a people pleaser and abiding by them.
SD told him that he is putting himself first and not her or the grandchild by not coming to the party.
I said that he just needs to let them think what they want, say what they want and do what they want. He is not going to change them or their thinking as long as BM is pulling the strings. DH sounds really sad and he knows that they don't care about him or how he feels.
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As sorry as I am that he is
As sorry as I am that he is hurt, at least he now has clarity on his lack of importance to his daughter. It's painful but he now knows where he stands. I hope that gives him the strength to stand his ground. She's shown him that his only use to her is for money and the occasional photo op.
I'm sorry he feels sad about
I'm sorry he feels sad about this. But, holding firm to his message is the only way to have any chance of breaking this cycle.
Again his message to his daughter can be consistant.
I'm sorry I won't be able to see my grandchild and celebrate her birthday. I love you both and am sad that you are angry over my missing the party with your mother and her family. Unfortunately, I am not going to join in private parties with your mom and her family. She is my EX for a reason and I hope you don't have to live the reality of sharing kids with an EX. It's not always easy. This is one of those times. I want nothing more than to be able to celebrate my grandchild's birthday, but it seems you only will allow that on your terms which include me socializing with my EX wife. But, we are no longer a happy family with her and I together.. and I'm not going to continue some charade and not live the truth. I hope you can find it in your heart to see my perspective and be part of my life. love dad.
Response to ESMOD
I love what you wrote and I hope that he can use this the next time. I can tell that he is already second guessing himself knowing that unless he plays by their rules he will not see his children or grandchildren. I don't understand why people have to be this way. It's all about control and manipulation and getting what they want. BM is a master at this, her mother was the same way and now it is at the next generation. If there is a gift, money or a restaurant meal for his kids and grandkids they are always open to that.
DH said just remind me when there are birthdays coming up and I will send them a card and money. If it was me I would maybe send the card but I wouldn't be sending money.
I would send a card and offer
I would send a card and offer an outing and nice meal.. but probably wouldn't shell out cash if he isn't getting any access period.
SD trying to set up a 'play-date' with your DH and her Mummy, BM
When a divorce happens, a strange and terrifying phenomenon occurs.
The Biomom (henceforth known as BM, because, let’s be real, the other meaning applies too (Bowel Movement) gets the chance to form her very own little cult.
Oh yeah, you heard me. A cult.
Her offspring? Cult members.
Her family, friends, and any poor, unsuspecting men she manages to spider-trap into her web? Also cult members.
And the cult doctrine?
Oh, that’s easy. Whatever BM says is pure, unfiltered, 100-proof TRUTH. A law unto itself. Doesn’t matter if it defies logic, reason, or basic laws of physics—if BM says the sky is neon pink, then dammit, get your sunglasses because it’s pink.
And your DH?
Newsflash: He’s not a VIP.
I know, I know. SD might pat him on the head, tell him he's important in the grand scheme of things—but don’t be fooled.
The only role these women (cult leader + minions) want for him?
Mindless ATM Drone.
A 24/7/365 servant, standing by with his wallet open, his schedule free, and his backbone conveniently removed.
Moving on with his life? Not allowed.
Period.
Because the only way DH can "afford" the membership fees for BM’s cult is by being a brainwashed, cash-dispensing zombie—thinking he's still got a say, still has power, still matters.
But let’s be real.
He’s not part of the club.
He’s only a "guest"—and only for as long as BM and her devoted disciples allow him to be.
And the second he stops feeding the collection plate?
Or giving any high-ranking cult members attention?
Well.
Excommunication is swift and absolute.
I hope your DH understands that he’s not the problem, the cult-member, SD is.
Your DH needs to sit SD down and lay it out, plain and simple. No sugarcoating. No hand-holding. Just cold, hard reality.
His message:
The first failed family? Gone. Done. Over.
It’s completely broken and will never be the same again.
And yeah, that might sting—but that’s reality.
And if reality is too painful?
Well then, SD, please seek professional help to work through that, because facts don’t change just because feelings get hurt.
Divorce Means Separation.
If SD needs a dictionary, DH can hand her one, because here’s what separation actually means:
Period.
The skids? Sure, they’re part of his family—IF they want a grown-up, adult, two-way relationship with Dear Old Dad.
And what does that mean? RESPECT.
Respecting his boundaries. Respecting the fact that Dad has moved on.
Just because BM wakes up one day and decides she wants a playdate with DH?
Doesn’t mean DH has to show up to the damn playground.
The Real Issue? BM’s Living in a Fantasy with the Skids.
Reading your post, it’s pretty damn clear:
BM is in the background, lurking, unable to let go of the “First Family” fantasy.
Translation?
BM still wants a "date" with your DH.
And that? Must. Stop.
Because it’s not healthy for:
✔ Your marriage.
✔ Your DH.
✔ The skids.
✔ The gskids.
It’s time for DH to wake up, set boundaries, and make it clear—he’s not BM’s safety net, her backup plan, or her emotional crutch.
If she wants a relationship?
She can go out into the cold, cruel world and dig one up.
If SD’s got some ‘Parent Trap’ fantasy running wild in her head—where Mummy and Daddee play happy little family while she brings the grandkids along for the delusion—then DH needs to wake her up, fast.
And no, not with gentle words and soft reassurances.
He needs to grab her by the scruff of her delusional little daydream and rub her nose in reality like she’s a puppy that just peed on the carpet.
DH has moved on.
DH is remarried.
Nothing is going to change that.
Not her fantasies.
Not BM’s manipulations.
Not some Hallmark fever dream of "just one happy little family gathering!"
Because this isn’t a movie.
This is real life.
And in real life? Divorce means separation.
Not cozy little reunions. Not forced family field trips. Not BM hovering around like a rejected prom date.
SD doesn’t like it? Tough.
She can either grow up and respect boundaries—or she can keep sulking like a kid who just found out Santa isn’t real.
Either way, DH’s days of entertaining her Parent Trap nonsense should be over!
And if SD doesn’t like the message?
Well, too bad, so sad. Because DH isn’t here to cater to her delusions.
And here’s the golden rule for any DH who doesn’t want to be a zombified, spineless, ATM cash-dispenser:
STOP FUNDING THE FIRST FAILED FAMILY CULT.
No more monetary gifts for the Grandbabies, if SD won't RESPECT his boundaries.
Because every single dollar DH hands over?
It’s not just money—it’s fuel.
Fuel for BM.
Fuel for SD.
Fuel for every cult member still clinging to the fantasy that DH is somehow still part of their twisted little club.
And what happens when you keep feeding the beast?
It keeps coming back for more.
So if DH has even a shred of self-respect left, he needs to shut off the money tap, cut the puppet strings, and make it crystal clear:
He’s not their walking, talking, breathing paycheck anymore.
He’s done.
Response to Toaster
This is the truth. BM is boo hooing because DH stopped all communication with her a few years ago and she needed him.(according to her). She has a DH.
Domestic Terrorists
The famous quote often attributed to Golda Meir regarding terrorism is:
"We don’t negotiate with terrorists."
And if the skid doesn’t respect your DH’s boundaries, maybe it’s time to take a page out of Meir’s playbook—because these domestic terrorists are always lurking, always plotting, always waiting for their next ambush.
And just like with real terrorists—the moment you give in, the moment you compromise, the moment you “negotiate”—you’re handing them the power to keep doing it.
So maybe it’s time to stop playing their game.
No negotiating. No bending. No giving in.
Because once they know you’re immovable?
The attacks stop.
Not only would I stand the ground. I would escalate.
IMHO ESMOD is absolutely correct and her script that DH should spout to his DD is brilliant.
However, I would add a PS to it each time I communicated with DD if I were your SO. "We had such a nice time doing XYZ & LMNOP. I am sorry that you are not willing to give your children an opportunity to know their grandfather."
Then load SD up with the things you are planning, ask if the GSkids can join, and put it firmly on the toxic SKidult when she refuses to engage healthily with her father and give her own kids a relationship with their grand father.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Make sure that any verbal conversation is followed by an email. Save the email and when the GSKids reach adulthood DH can engage with them without his shit spawn having any say in it. Then he can print up the long history of his efforts to see them as children and give them clarity regarding their mother's manipulations.
My FIL received a letter from BIL1's bovine bride not long after their eldest child was born. The letter was a venomous rant about how FIL would never be considered grandpa, never be allowed to have a relationship with their children, and laying out a litany of offenses FIL was guilty of. All bullshit of course. FIL send the letter from the bovine bride to my DW asking her to keep it and share it with BIL1's eldest (then only) letting the kid know that FIL loved her very much and it was her parents that kept grandpa out of her life.
BIL1 and the bovine bride know that DW has that letter and it scares the ever loving shit out of them that it will make its way to their eldest DD. It is handwritten in the bovine brides handwriting and signed by both the bovine bride and BIL1. In person DW gave her brother both a copy of the bovine brides hand written letter to FIL and a copy of FILs letter to DW from when FIL sent their toxic rant letter asking what it was all about. Ashamed hung head from BIL1 then silence on it for many years. Occasionally BIL1 and the bovine bride will sheepishly approach my DW to ask for the letter back. She refuses, and basically it is used as an axe over their necks to keep them in check as toxicity and manipulation are a fairly core port of their being.
"Keep the shit up and I will give (eldest niece) the letter." That turns them fuchsia in anger then shuts them up.
Build the library and if and when necessary, use it. Make sure that the toxic SD knows full well that her shit is being documented and will be available when her kids are old enough to have their questions answered.
In my family, after my granddad passed a couple of steamer trunks were sent to my house when we moved my GM from her home to a care facility near us. In one of those trunks was a stack of letters bound in twine from my grandad's eldest son from a prior marriage. They were vitriolic rants about my grand dad, his whore wife, and his nasty brats (my dad and his elder sister who passed when dad was 2yo). My granddad shared with me after my divorce that he had been married before to a woman that my XW had a lot in common with. Serial adultery, etc.... My grandad was never sure that the son was actually his but the boy did have my grandad's last name. Granddad supported him by sending money to the biomom until the young man finished HS. Granddad was thrilled when DW and I married and I became dad to my then toddler SS. Granddad thought it was fantastic that I had a family. He thought SS was amazing. The one time that my GP's visited us before granddad passed he just beamed radiantly when SS sat on his lap and they were playing together.
That gu, dad's half sib, was a career FBI agent. He brought an attorney to my GPs' home after my GPs' retired from an international career and bought property and a home in GM's home town. My granddad was on one of his impromptu road trips when my dad's elder 1/2 brother showed up to do an asset walk around my GPs' retirement home. My GM ran them off with a shotgun. It freaked my tiny stern elegant GM out. but it made a huge impression on their neighbors when GM chased two men in suits off of her property with a shotgun.
Go granny go!
The FBI agent threatened legal action. My granddad was not one to broach any bullshit and neither was my dad. Apparently the response from my granddad and my dad shut the elder half brother up and he never again contacted my GPs.
I kept the packet of letters for some years and eventually I pitched them. I did not know if he or his kids would surface after granddad's death. I figured that those letters might serve to shut them down if they attempted a run at my GM's resources after granddad passed. I have never found anything about my uncle. My dad has only one memory of him from when dad was very young.
Even in tragic failed family sitautions, standards of behavior and respect must be demanded, upheld, and enforced with decided misery inducing consequences being applied to the toxic by the reasonable. If they oppostion and the SKids are reasonabl, then great. Be reasonable with them. If not, it is game on and they need to live escalating abject misery for their crap. THose holding them accountable IMHO have to stand their ground and give no quarter for the toxic. If the toxic SKid adjusts, great. But their crap can never be foregiven or forgotten and they should be kept firmly presented with their crap if they twitch out of line. If it gets bad enough, they should be run off with a shotgun.
IMHO of course.
He knew
When he divorced the BM. it was going to be a rocket road. It's up to him if he wastes to be controlled or not. He was playing there game for so long it's hard to break the cycle. I would really lower the money spent at DD. NO $ gifts. But something you can keep track of for gifts.
Response to Harry
I agree, breaking the cycle that has been going on for so long and is generational will be extremely difficult for DH. I hope that he can break the cycle and be the change. I just want him to be healthy not only physically but also mentally. This constant drama is not healthy. He has been divorced for about 25 years. I have been witness to this constant chaos for 22 years.
What ESMOD Said
Perfect. Unless your husband wants to go back to being used and abuse, this is the exact stance I'd take. I understand the loss is great but to continue on as such after this recent event is continuing in greater pain. I'm sorry. StepHell brings us all horrid pain that we simply must learn to process and live with.
The people that SD is really
The people that SD is really hurting, are her own children. That is her choice, I guess, but it's a damn shame that she is denying them their grandfather just so she and BM can feel like they are in control.
It's sad but I hope that your DH does not give in. It's the only way they will see that he is serious, that they do not control him, that he is not their puppet, and that he does have some self respect. He should not be forced to go to dinner parties with his ex and her family.
His daughter should want her father to have a relationship with his grandchildren and it should not include his ex. It should not include putting her father in an uncomfortable and awkward situation. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I know some people wouldn't understand and would say to do whatever it takes to see the grandchildren but he should stand firm.
Your SD is vile. I would die
Your SD is vile. I would die before I kept my DD from her grandparents. That relationship is so important and you never know how much time you have. I hope your DH realizes this is a reflection of who SD is as a person, not of him as a grandfather. It won't make it hurt any less, but he's right to stand his ground.
Reply to Felicity0224
Grandparents are so important. I was lucky to have my grandparents until I was in my late 20's and early 30's. I am now in my late 60's and I miss them everyday. We lived within a mile of our grandparents and I went from one house to another. When I was sick, my grandmothers took care of me at their house so that my siblings wouldn't get sick. When I was little they would stop what they were doing to play a game with me or to read to me or to whip up a snack. I would have sleepovers at thier homes. My grandfathers were kind in thier own ways, they would take me places, my one grandfather always had a candy bar for me. When I was older and driving my grandmothers were my shopping partners, my lunch partners, they were who I called for advise. When I got married the first time my one grandmother was home bound so I went to her house in my wedding gown after the ceremony. It's just such a shame that SD"s children will not have these kind of memories with us. My grandchildren will as they make the time for us, they want to see us and spend time with us. My biograndchildren live three hours away and 19 hours away but we see them and we speak to them each week. We love them to pieces. The difference is how the parents (my children) were raised. I did not talk bad about thier father to them, I encouraged them to spend time with thier Dad and his family, I did not discuss adult issues with the children. I just feel really sad for DH because he loves his grandchildren so much and I can tell that they love him and have fun with him when he agrees to the terms of SD and EX. The kids are so darn cute. Last summer the one granddaughter threw her arms around my neck and said "I love you". I guess they haven't poisoned her young mind yet. It's just sad.
Response to hear I am
I totally agree with you. My children have a step mother and we were in communication, as kids tend to play one parent against the other, we were a team and didn't allow this, we would have family meetings if necessary to deal with an issue. I always told my children, you may not like your stepmom but she is an adult and you will respect her. I was comfortable knowing that there was yet another person who loved and cared and watched out for my children. This is why I never understood my DH's ex. I came into the picture 5 years after they split. She taught them to disrespect me, she would text me and tell me not to speak to her children, bizarre behavior. She told DH that she knew that I was a better Mother than she was. Oh the stories that I could tell. We had skids every single weekend. I did for them what I did for my children. I said nothing about thier Mother ever. BM had lots of hateful things to say, I never once responded and just ignored her. Now along comes the next generation and here we go again. DH loves his children and grandchildren but it's more important for them to manipulate and control DH then to allow kind and loving grandparents to spend time with the grandchildren on our terms (without DH's Ex and her family). We had a really fun day planned. I told DH well we just saved $$$. He is crushed. Now he says make sure to remind me about the upcoming birthdays so I can send a card and money. I would send the card but no money but he is going to do what he's going to do. Things will be quiet for a little while until the next event.
This shit spawn is trying to force daddy and mommy together.
Nothing more, nothing less. She is manipulating.
So, time for her to live a life of watching from a distance while daddy live his best life.
The two of you need to start doing major travel adventures. Send her notes from very cool places showing you having a great time together.
In the chance that BM predeceases DH, just wait to see how quickly this toxic manipulative spawn comes crying to daddy. Not that I wish death on anyone. However... karma.
Take care of each other. Enjoy living well together.
Because my parents made their lives overseas as their parents had done, we were not geographically close to our GPs. However, we had very close relationships with them.. We knew all 4 of our GPs very well. We spent portions of every summer with our GPs. Interestingly when we were young, we were much closer to my mom's parents. As we progressed into growing up we became much closer to my dad's parents. By HS, we spent much more time with dad's parents. My dad attended boarding school a few hours drive from where his parents eventually retired. My brother and I attended that same school while our parents were overseas. I spent weekend permits at my GP's home a number of times. By the time I was in University my granddad would show up unannounced a few times a year. He was the type who would leave to go on a drive in the AM and end up driving half way across the country and drop in on friends and family calling when he got near to tell them he would be there shortly..
My wife and I and my brother and SIL were expats ourselves. Though we went overseas after SS launched, my nice and nephews were raised overseas. All of the GKs have lived with my parents and are exceptionally close to my parents. So much so that all 4 of their GKs consider mom and dad's to be home. One of the multi generational factors in our family is that even though the family has dispersed and lived all over the world, we have remained very close as a family. We gather regularly, we call regularly, etc....
Even my SS who became my parent's eldest GK when he was 2yo is exceptionally close to my parents. He is not their first GK. My niece was born 5mos before we married. It was an instant connection when I introduced my then GF and her toddler to my parents. He was their grandson. Heaven protect anyone who would say otherwise or that he was not their real GK.
Neither my brother, nor I would keep our kids from our parents. Blessedly, there is no conflict of loyalty for my SS or for my niece and nephews. My brother and my SIL have been married for 31 years, DW and I have been married for 30. Even when he was a minor my parents were SS's closest GPs. My ILs have not been very involved or engaged with SS. My DW is the only one in her family who has made her life away from their tiny SpermLand home town. The SpermClan destroyed any chance they had to be important to my SS. Though he was close to the SpermGrandHag as a young child, her toxic attacks at SS's mom and the Hag's manipulative PASing crap made her a write off in SS's life as an adult.
We never denied SS a relationship with the SpermClan. We did answer his questions truthfully, referencing documented facts as he was growing up. That started his journey of clarity as SpergmGrandHag lied and manipulated as SS gained increasing knowledge of the facts and truth about his Spermidiot and the SpermClan. The Hag doubled down on toxic rather than recognizing that SS knew the facts. The Hag would call and rale at DW screaming and ranting that SS knew the facts and that DW kept bringing up the past. Well, facts matter Hag. So, rather than raling and screaming about the facts, STFU other than to recognize reality, and engage with SS on a basis of truth. and building closeness. But nope. She was all in on riding the wave of toxicty. Which cost her and the SpermClan a relationship with an amazing man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community.
Insulate yourselves from this shit spawn and her delusions of control and forcing her mommy and daddy together.
IMHO of course.
Live well.