You are here

Not a Step issue...a Baby issue!

Nise's picture

Okay so PLEASE be honest with me and tell me if I am wrong…this could get pretty long but I will do my best to keep it short…my husband and I just go into it and honestly I don’t even know where this came from…so here is the back ground…his sister is not a bad mother per say but she definitely leaves a lot to be desired. She has really bad choice in men and pretty low standards when it comes to what she wants in life in general. She married her husband while he was in prison so you can pretty much guess the path that her life was set on….some years and two children later, he has been in and out of prison usually doing “short” (is there a such thing when your talking about prison?!) stints…

Well his shit just hit the fan and he got busted and the sentence he got was 15 years. They have two kids a boy 6 and a girl 4. My husband has been batting around the idea of taking the boy b/c it seems like he doesn’t really stand a chance with out a strong male role model. So tonight he told me…I think I’ve decided that I want to take him, how do you feel about that…now it didn’t come as a surprise to me b/c he has said as much to me before but I told him that I would back his play, whatever he decided to do. So I asked him where would he sleep? Then he was like we would probably have to move.

We have a 4 bedroom house three bedrooms upstairs and one downstairs (in the finished basement)… well the girls (my SDs) are 6 and 7 and we have them two days a week and every other weekend and they share a room and then the third room up stairs is their play room. That is the room that will be the nursery one day. So my husband was like if we take him we will probably need to move because he couldn’t sleep in the downstairs room by himself. And we couldn’t move down there b/c he couldn’t sleep upstairs by himself either. And I told him that in making that decision to remember this…I want a baby…period…and I’m not going to spend my life raising someone else’s kids (especially not so his sister can lay up and screw all day!) and I don’t have any of my own…so if he can promise me that this will not interfere with that…I’m all for it…but I’m not willing to compromise what I want either (and that may be very selfish of me and I can admit that…) my baby will have a nursery NOT share a room with his/her cousin who is 6-7-8 years old. I want to be able to decorate the nursery the way I want to and be able to buy for the baby whatever I want not have to worry about financially supporting his nephew…financially I believe we could swing it…but if it ever became one, I would be resentful. Also GOD FORBID that I don’t get pregnant (and I’m not receiving that!) and we’ve taken him into our home….would I grow to resent him and my husband? That is very possible…the girls are a different story, they are a package deal with him and taking them wouldn't be a second thought! The nephew is sweet and I love him and I don’t want any harm to come to him and I want him to grow up and have a great future please don’t get me wrong…but I can see where I would become jaded by the whole thing. We don’t have the girls full time and for me to become a “full time mom” not to my SDs but to our nephew…and not have a baby of my own…could I take that?!

So then my husband was like well it is not guaranteed that we will have a baby (which even though I know it is true, the statement pissed me off!) we had the reversal surgery and now it is in Gods hands…and I was like that’s not it, there is other stuff that we can do…and he was like “like what?” and I said plenty of stuff…now I’ve never talked to him about IUI or any other stuff mostly b/c I’ve been having the faith that we wouldn’t need it…but he was like “when were you going to tell me about that?” and the conversation became this whole big issue about the “other techniques” that I’d been “hiding” from him…which of course is not the case…so basically it took me back to how I felt BEFORE the surgery and the feeling of “he doesn’t want to have a baby with me” and it just sent me into tears which I haven’t done in a long time…of course he just got his nuts cut for me so i know that isn't true...no man goes through that just for the hell of it!

so…he “needed to be alone” for a while which pissed me off even further because I’m like “hey, you started this wave now RIDE IT OUT DAMNIT!” (of course I didn’t say that to him…but that is how I felt) So…all I knew to do was to come here and type…if ANYONE read this rant all the way through GOD LOVE YOU!

Comments

stepup's picture

why not make the play room downstairs.. that way all the kids (the girls, the nephew and the new baby) will all be in the same area and no one will be sleeping "alone".

Also.. you can play the "what if" game until you're heartsick. "What if I don't have a baby.." .. "what if I resent the nephew".. the reality is, you aren't going to know how you will feel about this little boy until you're living it. Don't borrow trouble. You may come to love this kid like you're own even if you DO have a baby. So stay focused on the present. Can you live with another child in your house that isn't yours? If the answer to that is yes, then move forward from there. It's obvious that would be in his best interests. And just because he's there, doesn't mean that you can't keep trying for a baby. And yes, there are alternatives, but they are expensive, and that's something you do need to discuss with hubby. But tying it to whether or not he can help save his nephew isn't fair. You're making him choose between a child he MIGHT have, and a child who needs him now. And that's not right.

Although, I am curious, why he's so willing to save the boy, and not willing to save the girl? She's going to need a stable environment just as much as the boy will. And how will those two kids feel about being seperated from each other. Just my opinion, but if one needs saving they both do.. and I wouldn't seperate someone else's kids anymore than I would allow my own to be seperated. That little girl just lost her daddy (as crappy of a daddy as he may have been).. and now she's going to lose her brother too? I think you need to consider the impact those losses is going to have on her little psyche and I would suggest taking them both if you can. It's a huge commitment, but you're looking at this like you're trying to do what's in the child's best interests.. I'm just not sure what you're proposing is it.

Stepup

Anne 8102's picture

I typed this long, thoughtful post for you this morning, Nise, but it disappeared somehow. I came on this afternoon only to find that Stepup said basically the same things I had tried to say earlier! (Great minds...!)

I think I might have added a few other comments, such as don't mind DH. He's probably just freaking out wondering what exactly else you have planned for his poor nether regions.

I also said that if you put the playroom downstairs for now, then by the time you have another baby, even if you got pregnant within the next ten minutes, either the girls or the kid would be old enough to sleep down there. Our house has two BR on the main floor and two upstairs. The master is upstairs, along with daughter's room. Our son sleeps downstairs alone and has since he was 7. He really wants us to buy a house with an attic or basement so he can put his room in one of those to try to escape his little sister!

If it's what you both want, you can find a compromise, but I wonder, too, about the little girl. My daughter is her age and, wow, I just can't imagine her losing her Daddy and her brother, even if she did still have me. She's old enough to understand they are gone, but not old enough to understand why.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Nise's picture

Thanks to both of you! I was in a bad place last night…my emotions have simmered down today…Why the boy but not the girl…a couple of reasons…1. the nephew is unhappy living with his mom and her current boyfriend and his son and has expressed this to us on many occasions…they treat him “differently”, he is punished more often and more severely then the boyfriends son, mostly b/c mom is trying to impress the boyfriend by treating him and his son like gold. The daughter does not have the same feelings about their current living situation. 2. It is VERY unlikely that we could convince his sister to sign over both of the kids…making the case for the nephew (that it takes a man to raise a man) is much easier and she is likely to go along with it. 3. my husband really connects to how the nephew feels about it all b/c his mother had the same “taste” in men when they were kids and he (like the nephew) didn’t buy into that type of lifestyle so he moved with his grandmother (who saved him and set his life on the right path) while his sisters stayed with the mother and eventually “mimicked” the behavior that they saw from her…so while we realize that by leaving the niece there it is likely that the cycle will repeat itself…we also realize that she will be much more difficult to have an effect on (even at the age of 4). When she is around her mom (and grandmother) she is a completely different child then when she is here with us and most of it is due to the fact that she realizes that the “standard” is different and she plays into that….it is hard to explain but it would definitely be a struggle. But….after the emotions of last night, my husband is having mixed feelings about the whole thing (taking my sentiments into consideration) and we’ve tabled the idea.

Make a GREAT Day!

Anonymous's picture

I just wanted to chime in on this one. MO is to make the sister accountable for her poor choices, why would you impact your family and future kids with all this. And it will be an impact looking ahead. What troubles me is your husband seemed to make the decision and then asked you how you felt afterwards.

I think the better solution is to get this woman into counseling and parenting classes and that will benefit all her children that she must raise. I guess my biggest question would be, why would you sacrafice your future and happiness over this woman's poor choices. I would tell hubby you'll help contribute for parenting classes, and you have no problem being a good aunt but as for raising them forget it. As for moving, no waaaaay. In the meantime, perhaps you two can knock some sense into her and get her to change her ways and to get rid of the jailbird. Hope that provides another alternative for you.

Nymh's picture

The thing is, neither she nor her husband can control this woman. When they pay for parenting classes and this woman skips out or disregards everything she learns and her child still suffers, what happens? The child doesn't deserve to pay for his mother's mistakes and his life shouldn't be shit just because she's too irresponsible to stand up and be a good parent. Five years from now when this kid is running away from home and doing drugs in alleys with people twice his age and older, how would you be able to live with yourself knowing that you had a perfect opportunity and were completely able to care for this child and ensure that he had a better life and didn't? This innocent child deserves more than a life of crime, drugs, and jail. Just because he was born into it doesn't mean that people who have the power to do something about it should stand idly by and watch it happen.

Nise, I think your husband has his heart in the right place. I know it's hard thinking of all the "what ifs", but things will work themselves out - I know you, so I know you know that. You have a good head on your shoulders, and I know that you can see this situation from all angles (now that you've calmed down a little!:)). Like Anne said, trying to conceive will probably not be an instantaneous process, and even if it was gestation will give plenty of time for one of the kids to be old enough to sleep alone. Until then, perhaps you could move the play room downstairs and let him sleep upstairs in that room so that he's closer to everyone, and move the room downstairs when you do get pregnant and when he's old enough to sleep farther away from everyone?

Feelings of resentment are possible, but I don't think it's likely that someone as level-headed as yourself would blame the child for the fact that you couldn't conceive. It may be hard to live with the fact that you're raising everyone's children but your own. I don't know how to approach that situation because I've never been in it myself and can't really fathom how I would feel, or how you might feel if the situation did present itself. So I guess I don't really know what to tell you there, but I know that you and your husband are good people and you will do what is best for everyone.

*hugs*

*~So sayeth Nymh~*