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Ex-wife is a nightmare

Nyxxie's picture

My bf and I aren’t married but we’ve been together for several years so I feel like a stepmother to his son. I’ve never had anyone/anywhere to vent to in two years so I’ll try to keep this pretty short. 

 

My bf’s ex is a nightmare. I’ve never met her, she absolutely refuses, but I’ve heard the phone calls and seen the texts and I’ve dealt with her nonsense. Bf just goes along with whatever she says. 

- She told him I couldn’t be at her house in his car when he drops his son off so he would drop me off at a gas station (while I was eight months pregnant with our baby) and then pick me up after. 

- When I did have our baby and I was in the hospital after surgery, she offered him an extra day with his son (knowing I was in the hospital after the surgery) and he took off and left me at the hospital with our baby who wasn’t even a whole day old yet. She never gives him extra time. It wasn’t his weekend. I was overdue and scheduled a c-sec for a weekend that wasn’t his specifically so he wouldn’t miss time. 

- She calls and texts and refers to me only as “your friend”, “that bitch”, or “baby mama”. 

-I’m not allowed to go to any of his son’s sporting events because she coaches them all, even on bf’s weekends she is there. 

 

If if I say I’m bothered about any of it he tells me that I’m being crazy and I need to grow up. I don’t know how I feel about this relationship anymore because I always come second to another woman. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your boyfriend is the problem. Yes, his ex is a manipulative wh*re and rotten to the core but your boyfriend is spineless and is her beck and call b*tch. 

YOU aren’t the priority. SHE is. He is more afraid of her than he is of you!

Nyxxie's picture

He tries to cover it up by saying that she’s communicating right now and he’s worried about what happens to his son if he causes problems. I’ve explained that literally nothing is going to happen and it’s not like he gets “extras” or anything that are going to be taken away. He took her to court to try and get shared parenting (he’s not from this country and they did a dissolution and she got him to sign for her to have full custody) and then lost that so he can’t even lose anything else. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Ask him how he will like dealing with two Biomothers because if he doesn’t muzzle his ex and establish boundaries you will take your baby and sue him for CS and sole custody. 

Inform him that he needs to put YOU first from now-on or else.

mro's picture

Well then he should have known he was not available to pursue an intimate relationship at that time.  Probably won't be until the older kid is grown, and not even then. Sorry.

JanRebecca's picture

Ugh my ss9's biomom is the same way - no wonder he disrespects me because I'm sure he hears his mom talk that way about me all the time - she refers to me as whore, bitch, the old woman (I'm five years older than he is and she was five years younger LOL) She is in a relationship herself but I swear she has never left him go or figures if she couldnt' have him - noone else will I dunno but I've never met her either and it's been almost six years that I've been in my dh's life - She goes between 'she can't be around my son' to now she keeps trying to set up dinners that 'I have to attend' but I say 'NO WAY IN HELL'  - I am not taking the chance she will turn ugly while eating out. She's mean and manipulative.

 

 

ybarra357's picture

Yeah, your BF sounds like he's in dire need of a spine.  He seems to care more about BM's feelings than yours.

Siemprematahari's picture

Red flags throughout this entire post. Darling your BF is the issue like the other posters pointed out. He is allowing BM to rule and dictate every part of his life. She says jump and he yells how high. It begs to question what man will leave their pregnant 8 month GF in the gas station??? What man leaves after the birth of his child because BM demanded of his time?

Regardless if BM is manipulative and toxic your BF accepting this and allowing it is ten times worse. Please seek some therapy and try to understand why you would allow him to treat you so poorly.This man has no boundaries and no b@lls because they are in BM's purse.....smh.

 

hereiam's picture

Your BF is the one who needs to grow up. And get some balls.

Let my husband drop me off at some frickin' gas station to appease BM and see what happens!

I know how those types are, BM over here was a nightmare. DH timed his pick ups and drop offs just right because she was such a bitch if he was even minutes early or late. But, drop me off at a gas station? NOPE. Leave my side after surgery because BM dangles an extra day? Nope.

 

Nyxxie's picture

But he always turns it into something about his son. If I say anything about the ex I’m disrespecting his relationship with his son. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

As others have said, your issues are not really with BM.  Your BF is 100% responsible for his own actions.  He has shown you who he is, where you stand with him, and how he intends to treat you.  What do you intend to do?

tog redux's picture

The others are right, but your BF is right, too - if he stands up to her, she will use the kid as a pawn and keep him away.  So he should be prepared to enforce his visitation rights and have an attorney on speed dial.

That being said, if he wants to keep any woman in his life, he needs to set boundaries with BM.

ndc's picture

Wait a minute - surely I misread.  Your boyfriend left you at a gas station when you were 8 months pregnant so you wouldn't be in the car at dropoff against his ex-wife's wishes?  And he's still your boyfriend?  

Your boyfriend is acting like an ass.  HE is the problem.  No self-respecting man would treat the woman he supposedly loves that way.  You need to make it more painful for him to cross you than to cross her.  He needs to stiffen his spine and stop letting his ex have so much power over him.  Otherwise you may decide it's better to be his ex than his girlfriend.

Nyxxie's picture

I used to think they just hadn’t gotten over each other but she did actually try to get him back one day (so I guess it was true of her). She told him he wouldn’t have to pay support and that he could stay in the country and a bunch of other crap. He said no way because he knows that she’s like that but let’s her do this shit. I’m honestly surprised that he didn’t dump me right then and go back.

ybarra357's picture

"I used to think they just hadn’t gotten over each other..."

Well, now that you mention it, that’s the first thing I thought, that they are still ‘together’ on some level-beyond their kid.  Even though your SO denies it, his actions are saying something completely different.

Nyxxie's picture

Once again, he’s saying that she hasn’t been a bitch lately and he is trying to keep it that way and I’m delusional. Our baby is still very young and for now I’m staying at home with her so my finances are not fantastic. He knows that I can’t actually leave right now and I suppose that’s what’s behind him treating me this way. I just really don’t know what to do about this anymore and I’m so tired of being upset about it. Sorry for this whole bit of nonsense, I just don’t have anyone to talk to where we live.

Ispofacto's picture

My DH used to do crappy stuff, and I'm still trying to forgive him.  I wasn't because he had a secret attachment to BM, but because he was afraid of her.  He stood up to her and found that very empowering.  But he wouldn't have done that if I hadn't reached the end of my rope and given him an ultimatum.  Make sure you don't make threats you don't intend to keep.

Order a copy of Say Goodbye To Crazy.  He thinks he can manage The Crazy.  He can't. 

You.  Are.  Not.  The.  Problem.

 

ndc's picture

If you actually think he's treating you poorly because he knows you don't have other options at the moment, you should FIND other options.  Do you have family you could go to?  I'd pack up myself and my baby and head for my parents' house if I was in that situation.  If that's not an option for you, maybe it's time to let him pay for daycare while you work and find away to leave him.  

Dogmom126's picture

Wow. If my boyfriend ever left me at a gas station that would be the last day of a relationship. That is an absolute dealbreaker let alone the birth of your baby. I would say if he doesn’t set limits with her you need to walk and he can have two part time kids. This is only gonna get worse. Can you imagine raising your baby in this environment where you both come second to his ex 

simifan's picture

I'm still in awe she was there when he came back I would have been long gone. 

oneoffour's picture

Does he have a green card or citizenship or any legal status? I am thiking the answer is no.

Somehow this man makes babies yet cannot work out how courts work. He is more scared of losing his son than losing his daughter. And the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. When she raves on he should be ignoring her and not live in fear of her wrath. I bet he is here illegally and this is her control mechanism.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

That floated through my mind; his immigration status. Maybe OP should narc on him to ICE and be free of this a$$hole!

Nyxxie's picture

He hasn’t completed everything to become a citizen yet, but I don’t think there’s anything she can do about that. 

Germie2's picture

Your bf is the problem here and has to man up. I’ve lived in the country (with my 2 kids) only for almost 2 years now and the only thing I had was my marriage certificate and needed to adjust my immigration status after the wedding, my DH took advantage of that and I had no say , I Felt used and abused but stood up to the situation took a lawyer etc... then DH started realizing he couldn’t use that against me because nothing was gonna stop me, a lot changed since then, things aren’t perfect but there’s been a lot of improvement. I’d advice you give your bf an ultimatum , if the situation doesn’t change do what’s best for you and your daughter 

oatsnhoney's picture

I literally had to buy a book on step parenting and blended families and read parts to DH before he started to believe anything other than his own opinion,

your task is trying different approaches to get him to hear you. It can’t continue this way. 

Siemprematahari's picture

It doesn't seem like you are going to leave him any time soon, so in the meantime complete your licensing, find a better paying job, and get your ducks in a row for whenever you do decide to leave this toxic relationship. Lets see how long you will stand in this dynamic. It takes a toll after a while.