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Right Now I Don’t like SM’s

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 8:32am

Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

My SO’s SM has been in his life since he was 5. His bio mom gave him up to FIL and SM when he was 12 and moved to TN when he was 18.

So SM has been “mom”. She calls SO and his brother her kids and her mantra to me is “8 is enough” (Meaning her 4 bio grandkids, SO’s 2 and BM’s 2 kids are enough grandkids). In my opinion she embraced the role of mother with regards to her Skids and Sgrandkids. In fact, she was in the room when SD was born.

In the last 1-1.5yrs she (and FIL) has been, it seems, disengaging from the grandkids. She has only seen them once since Aug and missed both of their B-Days even though they only live 10 minutes away from us.

This really has SO and the kids upset. I have several opinions on why this may be happening.

SO and BM were at Inlaws house every week. Always needed something from them, food, money or baby-sitting. I’m not BM, have a really good job and I don’t ask anyone for handouts. As such, SO doesn’t go over Inlaws house as much because he doesn’t need anything.

I don’t care for SM because all she does is talk about BM and she has a picture of SO and BM on her wall as soon as you walk in the door. And the “8 is enough” crap isn’t the only shitty thing she says to me (She once told me that SO could never love me if I didn’t love BM’s to older children by a different guy). I have never said anything disrespectful to SM but I’m sure she can tell I don’t enjoy her company.

SM’s DD is now 24. She has 4 kids of her own now and SM is very involved with these kids. In fact, she has photos of all 4 of these kids on her mantel and none of SO’s. This upsets SO but I tell him that it’s her bio grandkids. Whether or not SO’s kids only know SM as grandma, they are not her bio grandkids and that’s obvious in the different way she treats them. She FaceTime’s with bio grandkids because they live in IL everyday but have only seen SO’s kids once since Aug. And I tell SO that his dad needs to take an interest in his own grandkids and not leave it all up to SM.

Lastly, BM’s oldest daughter now lives with SM and FIL. That with the picture of BM in her house and she is friends with BM on FB, makes me wonder if BM and SM are friends? I don’t care because I don’t want to be around SM but maybe that’s way she is disengaging from SO but doesn’t explain why she hasn’t seen SS and SD. I know she isn’t seeing them during BM’s time.

Why can’t everyone just get along. :?

Comments

momandmore's picture

Submitted by momandmore on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 8:44am

Sounds like DH and BM were with MIL. She complained about it all the time.
NOW, I'm the bad guy because I take care of things and don't dump the kids off on her all the time!

She just called the other night, high on I have no clue what, telling me that I needed to get over it because BM and DH were together first. Hahahaha.. I don't have an issue with that, actually they weren't but it's irrelevant. I take the kids to see her whenever we are in her town, which is often because that's where they all go for DR and dental.

It sucks because I've always been very close to MIL but she has changed towards me a lot since DH and I got together. Sucks for her, now I will use my spare times in her town around non toxic people.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:03am

I have cut my IL's out of my life because of their relationship with my SD and BM. I would recommend the same here. Makes my life easier. DH sees them once in the last 5 years and that is on him. Has nothing to do with me.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:11am

I agree. I have no desire to go over SM and FIL's house. This all came up again today because SO text SM to ask if she would take Skids today and we would pick them up from her instead of BM. Found out SM and FIL are with DD and her 4 kids taking care of them for spring break. This upset SO. I think he has jealously of his younger sister because of the way she is treated compared to him.

Not SM's fault that SO's bio mom took off and is not apart of his life but I still don't like SM Biggrin

chupacabra's picture

Submitted by chupacabra on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:17am

What is wrong with SM and FIL taking care of their other grand-kids during their spring break? It wasn't as if they chose the other grand-kids over SO's kids...DD obviously asked before SO did.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:21am

I don't believe it's wrong at all. I think SO is jealous about it and that's why this is becoming an issue again.

chupacabra's picture

Submitted by chupacabra on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:34am

OH...that makes sense. I thought you thought it was wrong for them to babysit the other grand kids.
Not sure what to say to SO. Sorry. It seems petty to be jealous, but obviously he knows how it was growing up with the whole lot of them. Probably always felt left out or the "least favorite" and doesn't want his kids feeling the same way as he did.

chupacabra's picture

Submitted by chupacabra on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:13am

I'm sure that there is more to it than you were able to describe, but I don't really have a problem with having a picture of SO and BM in anyone's home (when there are kids involved). When I was married, I put up a picture (on the picture wall....everyone is there) of the skids with their BM and dad. I even took the picture at high school graduation. I can't stand the woman and she is a pathetic, deadbeat mom that does drugs and never paid child support, BUT she IS the skids BM.
And since your SO's SM is basically his mom, I don't really see a problem with her having a picture of BM and SO in her home. Simply because SO divorced BM, doesn't take away SM's feelings for BM, nor does it take away her role as mother to SM's grandkids. If SM likes BM, why should your SO have any say as to who SM is friends with? Now if SM invited BM over to events when you and SO were going to be there, then that is a different story. But I don't really see a problem with SM having BM as a friend.
As for SM having pictures of bio grandkids and not SO's kids...has he given SM pictures of his kids? My FIL won't put up anything unless you give it to him (framed and ready to go). Perhaps he needs to put their recent school pictures in a frame??
The only problem I would have with SM is that she is not making an effort to spend time with SO's kids and it hurts their feelings. If it were me, I'd call up SM and simply tell her that the grandkids miss her and want to spend more time with her, AND that their feelings are hurt. She may honestly think that THEY don't want to spend time with her any longer? You won't know what she thinks unless you tell her.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:27am

Yes, I feel that way as well. Maybe she has some problem with me. Like I said in the post, SO needs to call out his dad as well. I personally don't like being around SS maybe she doesn't either. Smile

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:37am

I can completely understand why they both may have felt used. I just don't get why they haven't asked to see SS and SD. Missed both birthday's? Seems extreme to cut the grandkids out because SM and FIL may have a problem with me or SO.

On the other hand, even though SO says they SKids miss grandma and grandpa, I haven't once heard the Skids ask about them or ask to go over their house.

SO, FIL and SM need to talk, and not FB or text. Really talk if they want to fix things.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Fri, 03/27/2015 - 9:44am

BM had two kids by some guy then met SO and had two more kids. That's why when he complains about how shitty of a mom BM is I say, She already had two kids she didn't take care of. That wasn't a clue.