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Tired and Ranting

New_to_this's picture

This is just a long rant. Sorry.

I'm tired and I don't have any more fight in me. I don't even know what I'm fighting about anymore. The fact is, I'm going to stay with DH because we have a child together and I don't want to deal with the aftermath of separating from him. So, why even fight? I've already lost whatever battle I think is going on.

I dislike SS13 and SD17, but all of this anger and frustration just hurts me and DS2 as well. And, all this frustration isn't going to change anything. SS13 sucks as a person, but he'll grow out of it and even if he doesn't, I can't kick him out of my house. I'm stuck dealing with him and problems because his mother definitely isn't going to help deal with it. SS17 is clingy and can't keep her mouth shut about stupid things that BM does that affects our household. I can't stand to look at them sometimes because I just keep thinking about them being a complete money drain. I'm frugal, I'm frugal with DS2, but I can't completely live my life that way because SS and SD always want stuff and DH gives in. They learn no money skills from BM as she is completely wasteful and always broke.

I just feel completely dejected. I been fighting (through DH) for years for BM to help pay for her kids, which worked for a year, but then she just decided to stop. DH decided to keep this from me. He knows that he is pretty much the sole provider for his kids and his ex contributes nothing. He is fine with it because they are his kids. They are not my kids, so I'm not fine with it, but what can I do.

I lost my leverage too. I used to feel like I had a say in my household. I worked - I made as much money as DH. We had a joint household account, but all other accounts were separate, so he could buy the stupid sh*t that he wanted to, even if I didn't agree with it. He would just say, "Well, it's my money." He says the same thing now, but I don't work, so his words are a slap in the face to me. I stay home and take care of DS2. The money he makes at work is our money now. Why should I try and save and be frugal to help our future savings when no one else around me is. I have a lot of resentment because of this.

I've also realized that I take some of my frustrations out on DS2. I don't discipline SS or SD, but they do frustrating things in the household all the time. I don't scold them and I think when they are around, I end up scolding DS2 more just out of frustration from the older two. I'm harder on DS2 in other ways too than I am on them. DH and I make DS2 eat his vegetables and clean up after himself. I've actually been told by BM to make SS13 things that he likes. Ummm...he's obese and only eats pizza, bacon, and fries. No...I'm not serving that to DS2 on a regular basis, nor am I going to teach him it's okay to be that picky.

But, what is all of this resentment and anger going to do for me. How do I stop feeling this way? If I've decided that I'm staying in this relationship then I'm just hurting myself. In ten years from now the stepkids will be grown. No one will remember all the crappy things that they did. No one will remember that their mom was a complete deadbeat during their childhood. But, the people important to me will see me as this bitter person if I still hold on to my frustration and anger. How do I let go of these feeling about all of these things that are out of my control but affect me significantly and will continue to affect me financially and emotionally for at least another 5 years, but likely much longer.


justanothergurlNJ's picture

Get a job and separate finances the way you used to. Day care is nit the Devil DS will be be fine. Sorry I am sure it's more complicated that that, bu I could NEVER live like that! I have to have MY MONEY!

Evil3's picture

I was where you are. I took the bull by the horns and took control of things that I could control. I worked. Had a joint account with DH to share expenses, but we also had separate accounts and I didn't care that he spent thousands of dollars on the SKs. I started and nurtured an investment portfolio. It's been over 20 years and the portfolio is doing well enough that it provides another income like a third working person in the household. I manage it. DH has nothing to do with it. He knows about it and I've schooled him on it in case I pass before him and I call it "our" investment portfolio, but I nurtured it to feel a sense of control of my financial destiny. So, I highly recommend doing that. Raise your bio as you see fit. If asked why siblings don't have to..., just say "different mothers, different requirements." Grab some popcorn and enjoy the sh*tshow that your SKs turn out to be and stifle yourself from telling your DH, "I told you so," when he gets all depressed over how his brats turned out. Disengage. Find the Disengagement Essay on here and read it several times over. It's actually quite cathartic and you will liberate yourself. The resentment is the last to go. It took quite a while for the resentment to pass. The resentment won't start to dissipate until either the dynamics that caused the resentment stop or you completely liberate yourself from them. Disengagement is the key. You are responsible for how your bio turns out, but you are not responsible for how your SKs turn out. Also, stop the blame on BM. Yes, she might be a craptastic parent, but your DH has a role in it too. Too often, DHs totally abdicate their roles and leave EVERYTHING up to the BM. I don't know why dads don't see that they're half the parenting equation. My DH was the same way as some of the dads on here. He totally negated his role as a dad and blamed the BM. He left any required changes to parenting up to BM. Well, he's the dad. He has half the say and is responsible for half the raising even if he's not with them for half the time. Dads have way more influence than they think even if they see their kids only EOWE.