Skids feel like unwelcome guests, not family
I don’t like having the skids for visits. And, although they are here more than half the time (every other week+), it truly feels like they are visitors. Like, my family is a family of three with two guests that come every other week. I don’t know how DH feels every time they come over, but for me, especially when it comes to SS13, it’s having unwelcome guests that I have to host. I blame everyone involved (including myself) for the way things are and I doubt it will change until the skids become adults and leave.
So every time they are here, I’m just silently pissed that I have to deal with them in my house. I’m sure they probably feel a little like they may be unwelcome too, but it obviously provides them benefits, so it’s not like their behavior is changing.
In my opinion, if this were a family of one household, we’d just go along the same way we would on weeks the skids are here versus the weeks they are not. But, that’s not the case. On skid weeks:
1) Nothing gets done for the house (apparently we have time to paint, redo kitchens and bathrooms, and otherwise fix up the house with a toddler when the skids aren’t here, but for “some reason” we can’t do any of it when teenage skids are here).
2) Neither SS13 or SD18 have chores like raking, or mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, shoveling snow, or cleaning the garage. DH and I do them and did them as kids. Why are these teenagers unable to do things that involve being outdoors and small amounts of physical labor?
3) I have to make a special grocery trip every skid week because heaven forbid they have to eat what the rest of us are eating. So, while the three of us eat the same food that I’ve made for dinner, Skids get to have another option.
4) Plus, I can’t stock up on those foods because they don’t understand serving sizes and will regularly eat 10-15 serving sizes of whatever they are eating in a sitting. I let DH know how much they are consuming, but it still happens. SD is overweight and SS is obese.
5) SD18 will come in the house, emotionally unload on me for hours, but rarely takes DS2 off my hands unless it’s a paid babysitting gig.
6) DH has to remind skids to do their normal allowance based chores every single time – and they forget every single day and every single week. (Ok, this one is a normal teenage thing)
SD is maturing and has actually improved in a few of these areas, so she's less annoying. But, I grew up with responsibilities within my family from a really young age. I helped with the family business. I fixed things in the house that broke. I cleaned the house (got paid) – no one ever had to ask me – I understood I was getting paid to do a job weekly and did it well. And, I still had chores on top of that which I didn’t get an allowance for. I ate whatever was made for dinner and never expected to have a different option. My parents never made special grocery trips – if we were out of xxx, I ate a variety of substitutes. I felt a responsibility to help maintain the household that I was living in and not expect my parents to do everything and then cater to my preferences.
I don't know if there are households that actually feel like one household with skids, but I know that I'm not in one of them.
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I just looked out the window
I just looked out the window and my neighbor's 6 year old boy was taking in their trash can. It's humorous and sad that SS is nearly 14 years old and has not once taken out or brought back in the trash can.
I expect it is the "Child of
I expect it is the "Child of Divorce/Separate Households Separate Lives" syndrome.
WE had TWO SDs up until last year, in September, now just 1. During the first few years of our relationship, when SD's were with us, it was 2 dayson/2 days off. This was "hard on them, because they never got to feel comfortabe, they were always shuffling around". Then (without consulting me of course, I am merely the GIRLFRIEND, a virtual no body), they moved to 5 days on/5 days off. Whic is ok, except hard to schedule because you have to count in increments of 5, and weekends are often cut in half, with odd drop-off/pick up times.
But I digress.
Because they were shuffling so much, they never felt any type of "ownership", or "responsibility to place", that a child would feel if they were full time in one spot. It messes with their heads I think. So with flip clopping, I think that it still lacks the consistency that kids need to establish patterns. ITs like, they are afraid of making patterns because they are afraid to get too attached. But we had a tough time getting kids to help with dinner dishes, and cleanup. Also, I had the toughest time breaking Winona now 18 of "couch camping", and Munchkin will still sometimes eat in the living room. I hate that. Forget about cleanup of household, its always a struggle to get help. Munchkin is getting better, and I have told SO that it is in Munchkins best interest to help out more, and do things like cooking and food prep.
But, I like her very much and enjoy her company. If I didnt have that, I would be counting the days until she left! And cringing on the day before arrival.
We were brought up the same
We were brought up the same way too.
No special trips to the store and we ate what was put in front of us OR we didn't eat.
My first job was when I was 13 as a paid baby sitter.
Sounds like your husband is treating them as guests. Not expecting them to be a part of the family that they are.
No wonder you feel what you feel.
I am sorry.
NO...you're crazy, Ms. Wine.
NO...you're crazy, Ms. Wine. We all know the skids are downtrodden little half-orphans who get zero consideration at Daddy's house.
Oh brother.
In the early days, I actually did a kid survey about food preferences because I like to cook and wanted the info. I have no problem trying to accommodate tastes when I cook, when possible. 2/3 skids had deep-rooted eating issues. Only YSD was willing to try anything. The others just wanted chicken fingers, fries, and rolls all the time...cereal at breakfast.
And NO...in my intact family my parents would never have catered to my limited palate. I was made to try everything. I didn't have to finish something's if I hated it, but I had to try two bites. I became a well-rounded, healthy eater precisely because my parents DID force me out of my comfort zone and limit my consumption.
There are 2 major issues I
There are 2 major issues I see here
1.The Skids are not being taught chores and discipline at BMs house
2.The skids are not taught chores and discipline at dads house
I see these 2 as separate issues as there are 2 SEPARATE households.
For Issue1- BM teaching discipline:
Give up any feelings and thoughts of controlling what Bm does/is/might be/could do etc. She is a nonissue. The less you care the more in control and less frustrated you will feel(easier said than done LOL)Juat treat as if when the kids are at your house they are at YOUR house.
For Issue2- DH teaching discipline-
Take control of YOUR HOUSE!(don't wait for him to give you it)
1.think of your top 3 major issues you have and make some house rules around them(everybody eats sam meal same portions, dd18 bsbysits for free 1 night per week or whatever you want)
2. Enforce those house rules, do not wait for him but just do it.
Yes YOU enforce them(some men have been taught that mothers rule the roost...you won't know if DH is one of them unless you try)
3. If DH complaims tell him that when you both were growing up your parents had rules and chores for you to do(you were expexted to do these things and you felt like you were a part of the family unit because you did those).
You are parents now and ypu want the skids to feel at home/ part of your family unit by treating them how you would treat family members.(btw even hotel room users are expected to clean up after themselves....)
I agree with a lot of the
I agree with a lot of the comments here. As I said in my post, I think everyone is to blame and I don't think anyone wants to put in the work to change the situation. I am certainly sick of it, but no longer willing to put in the work. This is not a new relationship. I've been in their lives for 7 years, so we've all had plenty of time to know each other and try to adapt with each other. Plus, there are so many other issues with the household (I've written about them in the past). The ones I've listed are minor annoyances compared to some of the other issues.
So, yes, SD unloads on me. And, yes, she has a therapist and a psychiatrist. So does SS. He's got individual therapy, group therapy, and a psychiatrist. They have no shortage of people to talk to, or to help them communicate their needs. When I listed that, I think I was just frustrated that she rarely offers or thinks to help me out with DS, like to help me watch him so I can make dinner. Perhaps I need to work on communicating my needs. But, this is something that I think intact families just inherently do. They hang out with their younger siblings, which gives a parent a break (to take care of other chores). SS never plays with DS...ever. SS never leaves his room and his video games. The only time they interact is when DH takes DS to play video games with SS (I really don't like DS just watching people playing video games, but I'll take the break when I can get it).
On the food issue...I cook healthy meals, I love cooking, I used to get compliments, and I used to be proud of my culinary skills...then I met the skids. Even when I cook their favorite meal, it's typically shunned because of the way I made it. So, I no longer cater to anyone except for myself. DH is totally on board about that. The problem is that we offered the skids an alternative early on (they could make a sandwich). It was ok with me before we had DS, but, DS doesn't get another option, so that needed to end. These days for dinner, SS will typically go out and buy donuts or cake, eat at a friend's house, or eat a ton of snacks at an after school activity in order to not have dinner with us. If he doesn't feel at home, it's because he's doing it to himself.
Yes, this is totally on DH to fix, but he's not. For instance, when I told him how nothing gets done in the house when the skids are here, he didn't believe it. When I repeatedly proved it to him, he didn't figure out how to change it. He just acknowledged that all of our household project timelines had to be based on when we didn't have the skids...sigh....
Sorry you are goimg through
Sorry you are goimg through this bs for 7 years
You are right- ss is doing it to himself
-in normal families it is expected that the older kids take care of their siblings( I don't think any teenager on this planet has volunteered babysitting a toddler instead of video game playing!!!)
Biomoms say:"Watch your brother! I am going to the store!" then walk out of the house.
You need to do something for you alone to destress.Take a few hours and be wih yourself.
I don't remember the SDs once
I don't remember the SDs once lifting a finger to help in our house in any way, when they came EOW. Oh sorry, they did carry their dinner plates into the kitchen from the dining room. That's it. I wasn't about to say anything because I was disengaged. If DH wanted to raise two lazy lumps - then that was on him.
My upbringing was very
My upbringing was very similar to yours. By 16, I knew some light carpentry and electric and could make simple improvements around the house like switching out a plug or repairing a broken banister. The only chore I was terrible at and never took to was laundry. I hated the never-ending nature of it in a family of 8...my parents tried to get me to do it and I always forgot and let the clothes sit and get mildew-y in the washer, no one had clean clothes. I was the same with baking cookies. I always forgot and burnt them. But I was great at cooking, taking trash out, vacuuming, repairs, yard work...anything where you do it and it's done for a while. lol.
Anyway. My skid household was much like yours when the skids were younger. Thank goodness we were just EOWE...but I felt exactly the same way. DH would panic the day before and say, in a bit of an accusatory tone: "There's no food in the house for the kids!!!" or "There's no drinks in the house for the kids!!!" Um...OK. I meal plan and cook. Why can't they eat what we're eating and drink water and tea like us?
I also hated the double standard of the whole thing. When I felt uncomfortable when the skids were there and DH would say..."Well, you know. It's their home TOO!!!!" But the entire household routine changed when they were there, we did crazy, expensive entertainment...put our regular lives on hold...and they weren't expected to be contributing members of the household. So which was it...were they members of the household or were we basically they're unpaid hotel, concierge, and maid service?
DH did get better as we settled into more of a routine, and it wasn't a big production every time they came over. He started giving them chores and having expectations. The food thing never changed...until the skids started caring about eating healthier and quit drinking soda on their own (SS was a bit of a chubster, particularly, and now looks great. He's very serious about working out and staying healthy). Until the skids took an interest in the way I cooked and eating better...DH always expected me to do a special grocery trip to get cereals, cookies, and sodas before they came over. SO annoying.
I agree I'm way, WAY smarter
I agree I'm way, WAY smarter than CG. I actually don't do it for her as she's a hopeless case. I do it for other stepmoms on the site...to help them pinpoint why this is unfair to them and illogical.
To clarify. I don't think the
To clarify. I don't think the Stalkers NEED my help. This is one of the smartest, toughest, classiest groups I've ever been a part of...and I know they can all see the threadbare nature of CG's posts for the bald-faced bullying that they are. I know that many of these women (and men) have had their ability to stand up for themselves and argue their position honed through trial by fire...
But...I'm a writer, I taught English, Logic & Rhetoric at the college level off and on for 15 years, I know how to express precisely what's wrong with someone's argument...and I think there's value in publicly telling a bully...NOPE. Not buying it.
Yes to everything you said,
Yes to everything you said, TwoOfUs.
Thanks.
Aholes are aholes. Some are
Aholes are aholes. Some are skids. Some are not.
People can choose how to deal with aholes. Some want to placate them and cater to their every whim. Others do not.
Me - I choose to live ignore aholes and their ridiculous demands. I refuse to designate special status to COD.