Where can I be safe?
I’ve been able to dig in and keep my boundaries and remain no contact with SD18. It hasn’t been easy, DH makes me feel bad about it, but I’ve done it. DH has only seen SD18 once (now twice) since I went no contact. I know he is very angry with his daughter about her behavior and his way of dealing with these types of difficult things is to avoid them. I feel this exacerbates the problem because now SD18 feels I’m taking her father away when the truth is he doesn’t want to deal with her either. She is a manipulative, preditory, kind of scary person who has launched a very effective campaign against me (why do people beleive this dodgy person?) It’s also ironic that he makes me feel bad about being no contact when he doesn’t want to be around her either. Regardless; this is where we are.
DH, D15, and I are set to attend a very good friends daughter’s graduation party on Friday. I actually had to arrange to be there by having my D15 and I get up very early Saturday to arrive at her sports tournament instead of going Friday night. That is how important I considered these friends and their daughter. Their daughter used to play sports with SD18 but they were never friends so I’m shocked when we arrive at the party and from the parking lot we see (and hear because she’s extremely loud and attention seeking) SD18 and her friend. My heart sinks and D15 begins to panic a little. I look at her and tell her to go to the car and I’ll be there in a minute. Before she can walk away DH notices and says “you guys are being ridiculous, are you really not going in to this party.” I want to scream, cry, maybe smack him but instead I say; “I promised D15 she would not have to see SD18 anymore until she was ready, if she is ever ready.” DH huff and puffs and rolls his eyes and says “fine” takes the card and enters the party. D15 and I go to a local restaurant my sister meets us there and we have a lovely meal. I text DH and offer to pick him up after dinner. I apologize that this upsets him and tell him I love him but I have to do what is best for D15 and me. He sends a one sentence text telling me he will get a ride. He comes home hours later.
During our ride home D15 and I talk about what happened and what DH said about us being ridiculous and I tell her it isn’t at all and that she should not feel bad for this boundary. I tell her how much I understand it is needed and I tell her I feel the same way. She says something next that breaks my heart and I can’t get past it. She says DH probably just doesn’t even realize he is hurting her and that men are just disappointing. Background here she isn’t just talking about DH her own Dad has not been showing up for her in the way she needs him to and she is struggling with that. I just let her talk that night but a few days later I talk to her about this. I tell her not all men will let you down and not all people will let you down. She says she doesn’t really believe it but we make a pact that as she gets older that is what she will look for in a future partner. Someone like her that is empathetic, kind, and stable. This still pains me and I struggle to keep it together even when I’m typing this.
There is no resolution with DH he apologizes to D15 but she thinks it is hollow because he includes in that apology how much he loves SD18. Ugh! I’m exhausted from all of the conflict and I can’t really even talk to DH this time. I’m disappointed in him, in our good friends for not at least giving me a heads up that SD18 would be there…and I’m left feeling like there is no safe place for her and I. I wonder a lot if I end the relationship with DH if it will alleviate all of this, but I’m pretty convinced it won’t. I feel like SD18 is trying to insert herself in our lives and BM helps. Last week DH finally got SD18’s softball equipment she wanted together to give to her he planned to send it to BM’s house with SD13. BM blew up his phone and sent him a string of nasty texts saying that she would drop the equipment in the driveway and refuse to take it (even though her and SD18 see each other all of the time). She proceeded to tell DH that he shouldn’t allow me to make SD18 unwelcome at his home and she will be sending SD18 to get SD13 every single time to ensure she will have to interact with me and DH. WTF, really? DH tells her SD18 can wait at the street and he will be sure SD13 is ready and that she isn’t welcome in our house right now. BM persists and says she’s coming in anyway…again WTF? DH and SD13 now have to be ready and meet SD18 at the bottom of the driveway. SMH at this entire situation.
I’m going away on a girl’s trip for 2 days I’m hoping to get my head together and figure out what to do. I guess it isn’t up to me to ensure these boundaries are adhered to it’s up to DH, but what to do if her can’t adhere???
So basically WTF is wrong with my friends who know my situation and don’t even give me a heads up. WTF is wrong with my husband for telling D15 and me we are ridiculous. WTF does BM think she has any right to dictate anything in my home. Where can I be safe? Has the world gone mad or is it just me?