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Where can I be safe?

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

I’ve been able to dig in and keep my boundaries and remain no contact with SD18.  It hasn’t been easy, DH makes me feel bad about it, but I’ve done it.  DH has only seen SD18 once (now twice) since I went no contact.  I know he is very angry with his daughter about her behavior and his way of dealing with these types of difficult things is to avoid them.  I feel this exacerbates the problem because now SD18 feels I’m taking her father away when the truth is he doesn’t want to deal with her either.  She is a manipulative, preditory, kind of scary person who has launched a very effective campaign against me (why do people beleive this dodgy person?)   It’s also ironic that he makes me feel bad about being no contact when he doesn’t want to be around her either.  Regardless; this is where we are.

DH, D15, and I are set to attend a very good friends daughter’s graduation party on Friday.  I actually had to arrange to be there by having my D15 and I get up very early Saturday to arrive at her sports tournament instead of going Friday night.  That is how important I considered these friends and their daughter.  Their daughter used to play sports with SD18 but they were never friends so I’m shocked when we arrive at the party and from the parking lot we see (and hear because she’s extremely loud and attention seeking) SD18 and her friend.  My heart sinks and D15 begins to panic a little.  I look at her and tell her to go to the car and I’ll be there in a minute.  Before she can walk away DH notices and says “you guys are being ridiculous, are you really not going in to this party.”  I want to scream, cry, maybe smack him but instead I say; “I promised D15 she would not have to see SD18 anymore until she was ready, if she is ever ready.” DH huff and puffs and rolls his eyes and says “fine” takes the card and enters the party. D15 and I go to a local restaurant my sister meets us there and we have a lovely meal.  I text DH and offer to pick him up after dinner.  I apologize that this upsets him and tell him I love him but I have to do what is best for D15 and me.  He sends a one sentence text telling me he will get a ride.  He comes home hours later.

During our ride home D15 and I talk about what happened and what DH said about us being ridiculous and I tell her it isn’t at all and that she should not feel bad for this boundary.  I tell her how much I understand it is needed and I tell her I feel the same way.  She says something next that breaks my heart and I can’t get past it.  She says DH probably just doesn’t even realize he is hurting her and that men are just disappointing. Background here she isn’t just talking about DH her own Dad has not been showing up for her in the way she needs him to and she is struggling with that.  I just let her talk that night but a few days later I talk to her about this.  I tell her not all men will let you down and not all people will let you down.  She says she doesn’t really believe it but we make a pact that as she gets older that is what she will look for in a future partner.  Someone like her that is empathetic, kind, and stable.  This still pains me and I struggle to keep it together even when I’m typing this.

There is no resolution with DH he apologizes to D15 but she thinks it is hollow because he includes in that apology how much he loves SD18.  Ugh! I’m exhausted from all of the conflict and I can’t really even talk to DH this time.  I’m disappointed in him, in our good friends for not at least giving me a heads up that SD18 would be there…and I’m left feeling like there is no safe place for her and I.  I wonder a lot if I end the relationship with DH if it will alleviate all of this, but I’m pretty convinced it won’t.  I feel like SD18 is trying to insert herself in our lives and BM helps.  Last week DH finally got SD18’s softball equipment she wanted together to give to her he planned to send it to BM’s house with SD13.  BM blew up his phone and sent him a string of nasty texts saying that she would drop the equipment in the driveway and refuse to take it (even though her and SD18 see each other all of the time).  She proceeded to tell DH that he shouldn’t allow me to make SD18 unwelcome at his home and she will be sending SD18 to get SD13 every single time to ensure she will have to interact with me and DH.  WTF, really?  DH tells her SD18 can wait at the street and he will be sure SD13 is ready and that she isn’t welcome in our house right now.  BM persists and says she’s coming in anyway…again WTF?  DH and SD13 now have to be ready and meet SD18 at the bottom of the driveway.  SMH at this entire situation.

I’m going away on a girl’s trip for 2 days I’m hoping to get my head together and figure out what to do.  I guess it isn’t up to me to ensure these boundaries are adhered to it’s up to DH, but what to do if her can’t adhere???

So basically WTF is wrong with my friends who know my situation and don’t even give me a heads up.  WTF is wrong with my husband for telling D15 and me we are ridiculous. WTF does BM think she has any right to dictate anything in my home.  Where can I be safe?  Has the world gone mad or is it just me?


justmakingthebest's picture

There is a chance they didn't know that she was going to be there, I would give them the benefit of the doubt and reach out and ask them before you put any blame on them.

My heart breaks for your and your daughter in this situation. I don't know if leaving the marriage is the right thing, but keeping your daughter away from SD is the ONLY answer. I know your DH is hurting and angry and wants everything to go back to how it was before. He wants to love his kid and her be a part of the family. I am sure this is killing him too and he might be doing the same thing you are now and questioning if you should stay married. 

I have no words of wisdom. I just hope that you can help your daughter have a healthy life and not view men as the ones that will let you down and betray you.

Survivingstephell's picture

You have every right to call the cops on BM and SD18 for trespassing. Even if DH contradicts you, the message sent to BM and SD that you are not messing around anymore will be loud and clear. You can warn DH that you will not hesitate to do this and if he doesn't want it to happen then he will prevent them from coming over.  They might test you and you will need to follow thru.  Your BD will learn what it looks like to stand up for one's self.  
Toxic people have a a way in inserting trigger buttons into the psyche that mess with logical thinking.  Are your mourning the fantasy on what in-laws should be or really mourning them?  I quick skimmed some of your previous blogs and you sound so overwhelmed by all these toxic people.  Clearing them out of your life should not cause guilt.  It's taking your life back one step at a time. 

Gimlet's picture

I guess it isn’t up to me to ensure these boundaries are adhered to it’s up to DH, but what to do if he can’t adhere???

You know the answer, it's just not a fun one.  Your primary concern is keeping your D and yourself safe, and that includes mental and emotional safety.  Your husband is minimizing and deflecting your very valid concerns, and that is unacceptable.

DH tells her SD18 can wait at the street and he will be sure SD13 is ready and that she isn’t welcome in our house right now.  BM persists and says she’s coming in anyway…again WTF? 

Your husband needs to enforce this boundary, period.  His daughter is an adult and she is not welcome in your home and if she persists, you can and will get a restraining order.  No wonder you don't feel safe and respected in your home.

She says DH probably just doesn’t even realize he is hurting her and that men are just disappointing. Background here she isn’t just talking about DH her own Dad has not been showing up for her in the way she needs him to and she is struggling with that.

This is upsetting.  If she's not in counseling, she needs to be.  If she is, she needs to talk about this.  As you know, dysfunction is passed down.  I was not completely successful in avoiding  this, even though I busted my butt to get as healthy as I could.  My daughter carries some of my weight, and I understand how you feel because it is heartbreaking.   I would consider a trial separation until my D was out of the home if he cannot treat both of your needs with respect. 

Your husband is either going to be able to hold the boundaries, or he isn't.  If he isn't, he is going to look to make himself feel better by deflecting and minimizing your concerns.  You do not deserve to live that way.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

And I'm so sorry for your daughter.

I think this is one of those things that needs some time before you make any big decisions. You married into dysfunction; your H grew up in it, so growing away from it is difficult and requires ongoing work to overwrite those toxic patterns. And skids between the ages of 18-21 are their own special brand of He!!, making a difficult situation worse.

Your feelings are valid, and you're working the problem. As long as you see improvement, build on that. Change is messy, and it takes time to see if all the players will/can adapt. DH, BM, and SD18 are going to test those boundaries for a while. It took my DH about a year to accept that I wasn't going to back down, and the in laws another year. But if things get worse for your daughter, know your limits. 

Keep going to counselling. Keep holding your DH accountable, but remember to reward him for effort, too. He needs to see that good decisions = a happy marriage. Keep those boundaries firm (I love that you supported your DD and didn't go to the party. Brava!) and let his baggage be what always causes bad feelings and drama.

shamds's picture

the hypocritical thing is her saying you will not make her daughter feel unwelcome in sd’s home. Its your home too and sd has been disrespectful and caused many issues and made you all feel unwelcome!! Its a 2 way street that they fail to see.

i told my husband end of 2018 i was done with skids especially my 2 sd’s who were 22 & 13 at the time. They are mini wives who are so disrespectful and cross the line and answer me back and at family events like engagements and weddings, they intentionally try to make my kids look dirty and scruffy just to get back at me.

its actually sad you would do that to a 3 yr old not realising the person you are attacking is your half sibling and own dad in the process

hubby thought it was a phase i was going through and tried twice in the past 1.5 yrs to have me attend events sd’s would be at or family meets. I made it very clear they had not changed 1 bit and had not attempted to maintain any contact or be civil. That hubbys empty promises that all the issues i had were handled truly fell on deaf ears as they had done nothing to change... 

i do not feel bad for choosing to not be partnof this toxic shit show!! Hubby isn’t happy about it but he understands where i am coming from as he himself has said all 3 skids has bio mums mental issues as well. 

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

It really does help to hear others stories and to get support.  I appreciate all of it.  I especially like the thought that this could get better once everyone gets used to the new boundaries.  I also like the reminder that if my at home boundary isn't respected I have options like calling the police or getting a restraining order.

D15 is in counselling and the counsellor happens to have a BPD sister herself so D15 likes and trusts her.  D15 is an amazing human and can see this situation for what it is.  She has been really hurt by this situation but I hear her saying that hard times make you a stronger person.  I hear her saying that this adversity will likely help her be even more successful and I feel so proud and so lucky to be her Mom.  I'm really holding on to that!