Holiday cards. Am I wrong?
I'm not one that sends out cards for the holidays. It's not something that I grew up with, so it feels a little weird to me, even though DH and I get plenty of cards from others, especially the cards with a photo of the kids, the family, or the dog. This year was the first year that I bought professional pictures from DS3's class pictures. He's never had professional pictures taken before, which is another thing I'm not so happy about, but that'll be for another rant. He looked really cute in all of them, which is unusual for him because he really is not photogenic (he doesn't look or smile when people are taking pictures, so he only looks decent in candid photos).
One of the background and poses was casual and festive and ideal for a holiday card, so I took some time and made a few cards on a photo website. It would have been the family holiday card from us. I figured since we weren't going to be visiting anyone during the holidays (I'm pregnant), this might be nice to send out.
DH, SD, and SS share a last name. I did not take DH's last name. DS has a combination of my and DH's last name (hyphenated). I made the card so that it had DS's last name, since his was the combination of both of ours. I wrote everyone's first name on the card, but the picture itself was of DS. I figured it was ok, since DS is the youngest. I looked on shutterfly for examples and it seemed like quite a few just had a picture of the youngest kid, along with the names of the entire household. I really didn't think it was a big deal, especially since SD and SS are 18 and 14. A card with at least 3 pictures, plus 3 different last names, seemed like too much to me.
I thought it was really cute and showed it to DH. He immediately asked if there was a different layout to put more pictures. He wanted SD's graduation picture in there. I told him that it was hard for me to lay it out with just the one picture, but if he wanted, he could find pictures of SS and SD and make a card with a different layout himself. I didn't say anything, but I really don't think SD wants her graduation picture in a holiday card.
Anyway, I brought the card up again as we are now receiving cards from others in the mail. I really do want to get the card because it's cute, but I acted like it was no big deal and told DH that I'd leave it up to him to move forward with getting cards if he wanted. He said no, maybe we'll send something out later after the baby's born. I'm pretty sure that means that we'll never send out any cards ever. Part of me is fine with it, since it's not something I've ever done, but part of me is sad that I always feel like I can't do things in my relationship/household because it might offend DH or the skids. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with everything I do.
It makes me especially upset, because I feel like I let DH do a lot of extra stuff for the skids. I feel like I let him get away with telling me one thing and not follow through. I feel like there are so many times that I let him do things that bother me like giving the skids extra gifts and money even when we've previously agreed not to. I feel like I give in a lot and I'm so resentful.
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Why didn't you tell DH how you really felt?
"...but I acted like it was no big deal and told DH that I'd leave it up to him to move forward with getting cards if he wanted." It is a big deal to you, why didn't you tell DH that? It doesn't sound like it would have mattered to him, but he might have acted differently if you had told him your true feelings. Do you often downplay how you really feel about things?
I think what you did with the card was just fine. I'd go ahead and send them. If that feels wrong, could you send them to just your family and friends?
I agree, you should tell your
I agree, you should tell your DH how you feel about these things. Or simply just send the card out anyways! You’ve included the skids, their names are in there. I’m not sure a graduation picture really works on a Xmas card anyways.
Stop worrying so much about offending DH & skids, as long as they’re included & you do well by them where you can they really shouldn’t be offended in the first place. It’s a Christmas card for goodness sake, put yourself & DS first & send it out.
Yep - you are wrong. Not
Yep - you are wrong. Not super wrong. But a bit wrong. Basically try to imagine yourself in a step's position or your DH's position and you can see that a christmas card of one kid only representing the rest of a blended family is probably not cool. However- use the cards!!! But send them only to your own family and close friends.
I'd be pretty offended if my partner sent only a picture of his kid. We don't have an 'ours' kid, but I'd feel bad for my son if we did.
I agree. It's not that hard
I agree. It's not that hard to put 3 pictures on a card, and no last names are necessary - just "Happy Holidays from: Esmerelda, Cyril, Fergus, Brunhilda and Vernon". Graduation picture is fine - it's what happened to her that year.
I'd feel left out if I was a skid, and annoyed if I was those skids' parent.
^ I agree
^ I agree
Holiday Cards
I think it very mean spirited to send out cards with picture of one kid and not the others. I don't know what other things your DH has done re his kids to annoy you, but this is the wrong move. If you have not ordered them yet, don't (it may be too late anyway). Just use gneric cards this year, if you want put a picture of your kid in the ones to your family. Sign it with all first names.
I can see why my husband is
I can see why my husband is upset. He also initially wasn't a fan of DS taking my last name along with his. The only reason he's ok with it is because I kept suggesting that he should change his last name to be mine and his hyphenated together if he was really adamant on the issue. I was game, he was not. I think that is part of the problem too. He looks at the card and sees only DS's last name, along with no skid pictures. It probably offends him and he's probably worried about what his side of the family will say about it.
But, I think I'll go with just purchasing a few cards to send to my close family. DH was the one who actually wanted me to purchase the rights to all the school pictures, so I figured it was a good use of it.
This minor issue has brought up other annoyances for me. I feel like I need to ask DH whenever I purchase something like this. He purchases stuff all the time without my knowledge, but all I currently have are shared credit/debit cards with him, so I always feel like I need to ok purchases with him before I buy them because he always sees my purchases. And, this shouldn't even be the case! All of our shared cards use to be my own accounts. When we started merging finances we put his name on my accounts because I had much better credit. He still has his old accounts, whereas mine were merged. So, I think I need to get a new credit card as well, so I can make purchases freely.
Difference between purchasing the pictures and using them on Car
There is a difference between the purchase of the picutres (fine) and using them on Holiday pictures. One is for your own enjoyment, one is representing that child as the only important child in the family. Please do not send out these cards without his approval, someone will know. And his name is his name. You do not have the right to change it. It seems like you are using these cards as an attempt to define the family and show what you think his name should be. Please do not do this.
I do think that both spouses should have a certain, agreed upon amount of money that they can spend on things without other spouse approving. But these are cards from the family, you have to agree on them. Unless you just want to sign them with your name and DS name.
I get what you're saying. But
I get what you're saying. But, I think that would look waay worse. Like our family was separate if I just put my name and DS's name. If I included everyone, the card would say "from the xx, yy, and xx-yy family", which also looks odd to me. So, maybe just the first names would be best.
At this point, you're right. They are from me and not from DH and they are only going to my close family, so I'll change the card.
I know strange
And I did not expect you or anyone to think it would be a good idea just to have cards from the two of you. The point I was trying to make is that if the cards are from a family, they have to be acceptable to both spouses.
Just skip out on last names.
Just skip out on last names. They aren't needed on a holiday card. Intact family's might put "The Millers" but in your case just put- With love, DH, You, SD and BS. First names only.
I would ask, does he want his kids name on it.
I would assume that dad will want his kids name on it too.
I am not sure how many steps
I am not sure how many steps there are- just the note about SD's grad pic. Of course all of the kids names!
I disagree. If the card is
I disagree. If the card is only going to OP's close friends/family, I don't see an issue with using the pic of her DS. Her skids are included on the inside of the card. It's her first child, and really, it's just a card!
If it was going to a wide range of people that know both sides, I would have had a single picture taken of everyone instead of trying to squeeze all these different pics on a single card. Much simpler & more inclusive.
But an Xmas card going to OP's parents? Outside of card, pic of DS and 'Merry Xmas from AA-BB fam!', Inside reads, 'Lots of Love from Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Moe & Larry'. Job done.
First of all - given that
First of all - given that this is YOUR first child...I think it's totally fine to send out a card to your close friends and family with your first professional pictures of your first child. I would be excited, too. The other kids are teens...and I'm certain DH and BM sent around pictures of them as children without feeling any guilt or having to run it by someone. Just send the card from you if you want...don't even worry about DH and his kids.
Second - I'm sorry you feel like your DH is controlling with money. It IS unfair when the money rules are different for the two spouses. I'm dealing with something right now where...my DH barely makes anything but, when he does, he puts it straight in his account and I never see it. He doesn't offer to pay a bill...pay down a joint credit card...nothing. I don't know what he does with it...probably just buys crap that he's been wanting. In one sense, I don't really care because it's so little at a time and I'm glad that he has some spending power of his own...it certainly helps our finances when his impulse buys are coming out of his account instead of our joint account that only I contribute to. On the other hand, it annoys me that I'm the responsible one who pays bills and keeps our credit cards paid off...and DH just makes "fun money" for himself. It would be nice if he at least offered to pitch into a bill once in a while.
Anyway...that was a digression. My point is...when there is a big disparity between how two partners handle their money, it does cause resentment. However, are you sure this is a DH issue and not a you issue? What I mean is...are you sure that you have to account for all your spending with DH? Or do you just feel like you have to? Has he ever actually done or said anything to indicate that you have to justify even small personal purchases like Christmas cards? Or is it more a general sense that he is private about his personal purchases and has an account you don't see whereas all your purchases are in the open and transparent? It may be that if you just start doing what you want...he'll be totally fine with it.
It might be my own feeling
It might be my own feeling rather than what he expects. It is exactly that he has a private account for his personal expenses and all of mine are transparent and I get asked about my purchases all the time, so I just ask/tell him in advance. Maybe not necessarily because he's nosy, but because he wants to make sure none of the charges are fraudulent. Yeah, maybe I'll just start purchasing things without telling him. It'll take a while to get a new credit card and it is the holidays, so I'll start out with that and see how it works out.
Thanks for making me not feel so bad about getting the card. And, helping me to feel excited about it! The card is cute. I'm just going to get it for my parents and close family on my side and keep one for myself.
I think you should purchase
I think you should purchase two sided cards. Your design on one side, and DH's on the other. These are fairly easy to find and the prices are comparable if you shop around and get coupon codes. I'd actually sign from DH, You and Family
I’ve received dozens and
I’ve received dozens and dozens of family cards over the years with pictures that did not include skids. Or pictures that only had children (skid and bio) who lived in the home full time.
I 100% see why your husband
I 100% see why your husband didn't like the card. I think the better solution would be a generic card and insert pictures.. like his daughter's graduation pic.. and the pic you like of your son.. and maybe one of the other child. I think you sign it with everyone's first names.. leave off the last names... The only one not going by your DH's name is you.. and half your son's last name.. If anything.. sign it. DH Dhlastname and SM Smlast name and then list the kids first names.
A couple of things:
A couple of things:
1.) I know no one who keeps those picture cards created on Shutterfly or VistaPrint or whatever. By New Year, they are in the trash. There is no good way to display them, and I'm not going to cut put the picture, which is usually an awkward size.
2.) It's a family card, and should include the family. Your (as in your and DH's) family includes the steps. Not including a photo of them seems odd.
3.) I agree with ESMOD - if the picture is cute, and you expect people to keep them, send generic cards with wallet size photos inside.
My sister makes them and I
My sister makes them and I stick the last years to the fridge. Then when the new on comes in the old was goes away. Then again her's is the only one I get.
Been there
I just want to jump in to add that I agree 110% with the folks saying you need to include the SKs on any photo card you create. I totally understand wanting to include your child only, as I used to make these cards myself, wanting my family and friends to see pics of my and DH's baby boys, and it was frustrating. As SSs got to be pre-teens, they didn't both come EOW due to some activity, and it got to be difficult to find a weekend when they were both there to get Christmas photos taken, so I gave up on that. Then I would just try to add recent pics of the SKs. And I DID include youngest SS's graduation pic one year, among other various pics of all 4 of our boys (2 SSs and my and DH's 2 DSs.) However, I knew how awful it would look to send a Christmas card with just "my" boys with DH, even to my family. I began to hate the whole process so much that I stopped sending Christmas cards and never have since, even though SSs are grown (23 and 24.)
Another RELATED issue I found each year is who to put gifts (both Christmas and birthdays) were from when gifting them to DH's family. I still put DH, my name & "boys." It seemed silly adding SSs' names to gifts they knew nothing about, when they didn't live with us and hardly visited. Fortunately, DH and I have only boys as bios, so I can put "& boys" and no one thinks I'm excluding SKs. Just a frustrating part of being a SP, although I will say, having been a SM for 20 years now, in the grand scheme of things, these are minor issues.
I would never send a picture
I would never send a picture out with one child no matter what the situation is. Either it’s just parents or all of the kids who are still living at home.
I couldn’t imagine what I would feel like if my parents had done this too me and they were together. Now picture a step family situation where there’s a new baby between mom and dad. You didn’t leave out YOUR children, just HIS. I’d feel unwanted in that home. Like my dad didn’t even want me because now he has a new family.
You created a FAMILY card and left them off. That tells them they aren’t apart of the family. Again it’s different for older children who have already moved out of the house.