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Good kid, really?

New_to_this's picture

I'm sick and tired of hearing DH tell me about how he wishes I loved his kids as much as he does and how he doesn't understand my negative feelings towards SS because SS is a "good kid".

This is what I wish I said - Really, DH?? Sure, SS is cordial to me. I'm cordial to him and I've stopped doing any discipline, so, yeah, he doesn't hate me right now. Being cordial to me doesn't mean he's a good kid. Here's just a few of the reasons why I don't think your precious child is good kid...

-He never showers. When you tell him to, he sits on the toilet playing video games while the water is running. Then, he persistently sticks to his lie that he's showered.

-His primary mood of engagement has been manipulation ever since I've known him. He's falsely accused you of abuse.

-He's upset and angry when the youngest one gets educational toys. Before that, he was upset and angry that the baby got a crib and a car seat.

-He urinates everywhere. Behind a couch, in the shower, in our bushes, in the neighbor's trees, in a washer/dryer. The world is his toilet!

-He tries to buy video games on adults' accounts without asking on a regular basis. You have to constantly check what he's trying to purchase.

-You spend way more time getting him to do his chores than if you just did them yourself. And, he's constantly lying about what he gets done.

-He spends your money like it grows from trees. He doesn't care at all. He cuts up his clothes and sneakers for fun, so you have to get him new ones.

-He gets depressed or gives me the look of death when he has to eat what I made for dinner. WTF, I don't even want to cook for him, but you want him to eat healthy and you don't cook. Make him leave the effing table when he is doing that!

-He fairly recently jabbed a kid at school with a pen. He has had outburst/anger issues in the past. So no, I'm not going to get on his bad side and DS1 is not going to be alone with him...ever.

DH - just because he doesn't outright disrespect me, doesn't mean he's a good kid.


RayRay's picture

This is not a good kid. End of story. Believe me, I have very not good skid as well and I would never indulge in DH's fantasy that SS8 is even remotely a good child.
The things you listed on here make my stomach turn and the fact that your DH is so blind (very similar to mine) is appalling. My SS will never be alone with DD7months ever. I fear walking out of the room she is in to just put a dish up.

New_to_this's picture

I completely agree. I think DH seriously has his head in the sand. I've tried to explain this to him, but in a nice way to soften the blow, but he doesn't get it. He's also very forgetful, so he never remembers all the stuff that has happened. I think I had to write some of the things out, so that I remember if DH tries to tell me again how "good" SS is.

New_to_this's picture

I was trying to bring up either going to a couples counselor or spending more time with each other figuring out how to best run our household when DH started the "you hate my kids" speech. I think he is just blind and he'll never see my point of view. I think about splitting up a lot.

Yeah, SS has had CPS called on DH twice, so I will never be doling out any discipline. SS can wallow in his filth and stay away from me. I guess the positive is that he used the back of the couch and washer/dryer at his mom's house as a toilet. I don't know what I would've done if he did that inside my home.

DaizyDuke's picture

-He urinates everywhere. Behind a couch, in the shower, in our bushes, in the neighbor's trees, in a washer/dryer.
What the actual Fruck???!!! How old is this kid????

New_to_this's picture

DH tries. He is supposed to shower every night and DH will tell him to, but he won't go and watch to make sure it's done. I think DH is doing enough. I think SS is the problem when it comes to hygiene. I think DH is delusional about SS being a good kid. DH makes excuses that SS is impulsive and doesn't think about going to the bathroom until it's too late, then he pees anywhere that he can.

DaizyDuke's picture

FFS.. the kid is TWELVE! not 2! Good luck to your DH with all of this, because at this age? There ain't going to be much "changing" going on. SS pretty much is who he is. Your DH is living in a delusional fog if he thinks this is a "good kid" :?

New_to_this's picture

I told DH I was waiting for 6 years when SS moves out and he got upset. I thought he would somewhat understand because of all the trouble that we are having with SS, but he didn't understand my point of view at all.

Gimlet's picture

At least living separately, she could live pee free. I would lose my mind over that. I also don't know any almost teens who get jealous over car seats.

This kid needs counseling.

Gimlet's picture

Now, now Fuzzy was completely justified in his actions. You needed a serious reminder of where your attention should lie. I'm assuming that did the trick.

New_to_this's picture

He's 12

Tuff Noogies's picture

:jawdrop: :O :jawdrop: :O

i would have figured 4'ish by the behaviors you described. maybe 7 or 8 at the very latest.

New_to_this's picture

He's fine at school in terms of behavior. He does his school assignments the same way he does chores - half-as*ed, but he gets decent grades. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that DH constantly checks up on his work and will also set up teacher-parent conferences on a regular basis. I think DH is a big reason why SS does well in school. SS has been in counseling since the first CPS visit.

Thanks for the confirmation from everyone. I really needed to hear that his behavior isn't normal. Sometimes I feel brainwashed by DH.

kmart's picture

I think you need to put your foot down and have rules lined up for your SK

If you figure he is taking his video game into the shower and not showering like he is suppose to make sure you or the DH walk into the bathroom with him, turn on his water and make sure to check that there is no electronic devices are in the bathroom that can distract him and set up a time for 15 mins. once the timer goes off make sure to have DH walk in and shut the shower off and make sure door is always unlocked to do so.

If he accuses you of abuse make sure to let him know what if he thinks if anyone is abusing him then not only will he loss parents but will be placed in an orphanage by the state.

Oh well if he gets upset, if he wants anything he needs to start doing chores to earn his little money here and there and maybe he can save up to buy himself a nice toy of his own.

He needs to be sat on a toilet for a couple of mins if he can not learn to pee in the toilet, consider a timer in the bathroom whenever he does that so he learns what the that's what the toilet is for as a form of punishment.

There is also a parental control on the app store where you can control if he can or can not download it, meaning you need to provide the password for him to be able to get it.

Take every single privilege from him or make him go to bed 1 hour earlier for not finishing chores when they were asked to be done the first time.

Hide scissors from him so he doesn't do that and if he continues buy him clothes from the thrift shop and tell him that is what he is going to get from now on until he learns to take care of his stuff.

First of all you are not his personal chief and you are not going to cook what he wants because there is not a menu where he has choices, if he doesn't like what you cooked to bad either he eats it or he doesn't, either way he is ganna have to compromise what you cooked.

idk how old he is but let him suffer the consequences at school for his actions, I'm sure kids go to like a boot camp, or get suspended for things like that, either way you don't have to deal with it, make sure he gets grounded at home for what he did at school.

if he cant respect you and your DH isn't doing anything about it then you have a problem because your HD is suppose to be there for you with his kid acting up!!

At the end of the day that kid is spoiled and runs all over his dad no matter how much his dad thinks he is a good kid we will not be that way in front of his dad so set our boundaries and show him how is boss!!!

New_to_this's picture

I totally agree with what you are saying if I was engaged or he was my child. I used to do all those things, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care about SS anymore and I have to protect myself and DS1. I can't have SS making false accusations against me. He doesn't care what happens when he makes accusations. He has little understanding of consequences.

DH actually does quite a bit. To the point where it's affecting our relationship because he is spending so much time dealing with SS. He is stupidly blind though to think that SS is a good kid.

thinkthrice's picture

Guilty daddies all read off the same script. Chef used to pronounce his ferals "good" after each entitlement training session, errrr I mean "visitation."

Miss T's picture

I'm not up on my child/adolescent psychiatry, but I believe that aggressive, random urination is a sign of mental illness/psychosis, not far down the list from starting fires as an alarming symptom. If your DH really is unconcerned about his boy, he needs someone to grab him by the neck and give him a good shaking. What do the kid's teachers say about SS? Behavior this bad almost surely shows up at school as well.

New_to_this's picture

Although I think SS is pretty disturbed, I don't think the peeing is a sign of aggressive behavior. I think it is a combination of laziness, impulsiveness, and generally not caring about things and people around him. I could be wrong though. One of the things that I didn't mention in this post was that his mom's house caught on fire in the past year. I don't believe that he started it, but SD had mentioned to me that her and her mom initially thought it might have been him. Oddly enough, many of his teachers and friends' parents seem to like him. He gets invited to parties and friends' houses, though he has ruined a few friendships. None of these people actually know him very well and they don't know any of what we deal with at home. Sometimes I feel like DH is like them. If I actually told those people that I didn't like SS, they would probably think that I was a wicked SM.

Acratopotes's picture

"I'm sick and tired of hearing DH tell me about how he wishes I loved his kids as much as he does and how he doesn't understand my negative feelings towards SS "

Your answer to DH: DH do you love the neighbors kids as much as their parents love them? They wish you would love their kids as much as they do.. so you work on that and I will work on loving SS....

Oh by the way - Ss peed behind the coach again, here's the mop and bucket and bleach - clean it now...

New_to_this's picture

This comment is mostly for me to come back to and read in the future. I agree that steptalk can't help me. It's for me to vent and get perspective. I do feel like the problems in my household really do warrant me getting my own therapist to help sort my feelings out and to either help validate or invalidate my concerns.

After reading the comments, I decided to tell DH that I didn't think SS was a good kid and I told him just a few of the reasons why. He told me that SS was a sweet kid, has good intentions and the only reason he has issues is because he has no impulse control. He accused me of saying SS was a bad kid, which I never said. He argued that it was a matter of our definition of a good or bad kid. After a long discussion about it, I decided to just ask him a hypothetical - if we knew our neighbor's kid was doing what SS does, like peeing everywhere and running up over $500 on a parent's online account, would you think the neighbor's kid was good.

DH got emotional and told me that he would think the neighbor's kid was good if he knew the whole story. I told me that I was being unfair. He justified the running up of the credit card by saying that SS is impulsive and it's just a click of the button. SS was slowly using the account to buy games for months, maybe a year. He justified the peeing because SS is impulsive and won't think to use the bathroom until it's too late. He justified the lying about showering and chores to lack of impulse control. Everything was a lack of impulse control and not thinking about his actions and that SS hasn't yet developed a moral consciousness. He's almost 13, DH has been telling me to wait for moral development for years now.

I didn't mention the jabbing of the student, but I'm sure he would've said the same thing, plus he was being bullied. I really couldn't continue the conversation with DH. The fact that I have to worry about what he'll do to people because he lacks impulse control and doesn't think about consequences is scary to me.

SS is not a good kid to me and the discussion made me rethink everything and this has been what's been going on since I've known DH and SS. DH always manages to make me less concerned about odd, abnormal behavior until the next issue occurs, then he does the same thing.