Our 5 are now in their 50s and 60s but I vividly recall their teen years when all 5 lived here.  Your son sounds exactly like our 5 in the teen years, perhaps a little better.

I also vividly recall how my DH whined about my son's failings and also OSS's altho he seemed blind to YSS.  That didn't keep him from being a great father and SF.  I also admit I had many negative thoughts about his daughter and younger son.

I don't have much advice.  All the players in your drama seem to be acting normally for a step situation: DS doing his teen thing, SM whining to you and you feeling defensive.

I'll repeat what my wise counselor told me: emphasize alone time with my DH, do things away from the kids (date nights), get on the same page with him.  Your son is 17, what are the plans once he finishes school?  Have you discussed them with her so she can get a feeling of "only x more months to go"?  Your wife might be feeling it will never end and let's face it, she doesn't have that parental bond like you do.

As long as she is polite and civil to him, that's enough.  Your better off with her whining to you than taking it out on him.

All of this is par for the course for each of you, given your different situations, so finding middle ground shouldn't be impossible. How often does your son see his mother? When was the last time he saw her? Do you have any family nearby (i.e. within travelling distance)? Can you send your son to stay with them for a weekend? Can you send him to spend extra time with his mother (SOON!)? Is he reasonable and responsible enough to be left alone for a weekend without doing something stupid (like having a party)? Heck, send him off to his brother's occasionally!

Whatever the answers are, if you haven't already done so, start taking your wife out on date nights regularly. Maybe end them in a hotel room after last minute call (so he hasn't the time to do something stupid lol) to your son to not expect you home? Maybe take your wife away for a weekend (or more if you can arrange it)? Your wife craves time alone with you - don't let her down.

You said it yourself - your wife accuses you of not wanting to spend alone time with her. Your argument is that you are alone all the time because your son is in his room. That doesn't count. All parents (stepparents included) need a break from the family unit. When those breaks aren't available or are few and far between, tension builds and nitpicking is a way to cope - "oh trash hasn't been taken out," "why is he showering so long?," etc." 

I agree with the posters above. You and your wife need to find some focus on your marriage and DATE. My husband and I tried to follow the 2-2-2 rule before our 10 month old was born. Every 2 weeks, we would go on a date, every two months, we would go away overnight, and every two years, we would go on a vacation for a long weekend up to a week. This helped keep the marriage alive. 

Your wife doesn't have any children of her own and maybe dealing with someone else's kids wasn't something she ever saw herself doing. It sounds like she stayed disengaged but remained civil toward your kids. Now that your kids are grown, I think she is looking for her relationship back and sitting around the house with your teen upstairs just isn't cutting it. 

You are new here so I'll first comment that you must understand this is a site for STEPPARENTS to vent, which is entirely different than a bio parent (you) wanting to vent about your wife (stepmother.) 

It's akin to being a die-hard XYZ sports fan who goes on their rival team's site and wants to convince them their team sucks.  Just keep that in mind.

You've been given excellent advice and some valuable perspective from the folks who have posted above, despite the fact they are the "rival team."

FWIW, I am a childfree SM and it is a unique position to be in. I've never experienced the things parents have, just like parents eventually don't know/remember what it's like to NOT have children. You don't mention whether your wife ever wanted children and couldn't have them, or just didn't want to be a parent. That can have an impact, too. 

In any case, your wife is in a position where she is supposed to be all-in but ONLY when it comes to being a cheerleader for your son. For example, you yourself say he hasn't made much effort to find a job but perhaps his hair/grooming is an issue and your wife is just telling you like it is. Like it or not, grooming choices ARE important to an employer.  I know that as a childfree person, I see my SO's adult kid in a completely different light than he does. In fact, I think he is often deluded to some pretty glaring faults she has. Which makes it hard if he criticizes something minor about me, yet SD gets a free pass for her mistakes or faults because, well, she is the princess daughter who can do no wrong. 

You have a bit of that yourself. You spend a lot of time describing your son (pros and cons) but very little describing your wife. What I find most concerning is your comment, "...it just comes across to me as her being vindictive, petty, and just seeing what she can make me do when it comes to my son."  Do you really think your wife doesn't sense this from you?  

Your son can have faults, be human ... but your wife can't?  Despite her unhappiness with having your son living with you, she has still remained cordial to him. She isn't screaming at him, threatening him, fighting with him constantly. What more do you want from her?

As her husband, the person she is supposed to feel safest with, she expresses some of her (legitimate) thoughts to you, and you are ready to leave her?  So do it. 

She is 39.  It is not too late for her to find a man, perhaps younger, who also does not want children. 

Wants Date Night once a week,  Going out to dinner, like TGIFridays,  not expensive.( we could not afford expensive every week, small restaurants some where) Having a drink. Dinner, Adult time, , doing something else after.  Week end getaways every few months .  Driving somewhere for a event , show,  Just getting alone time with out your son.  
I always felt ,, You had alone time with your ex. Before the kids, you could of just got into the car and went to McDonals ,  With me it ment we had to get a babysitter, what cost more then MickeyD.  List of phone numbers, rules. 
give her some slack,  It's hard having your son invade her life.  She did not realize what SP really was

Alone time to a man: he wakes up and rolls over onto sleeping wife, mumbles "you smell like ass, but its kinda hot" and wants to get it on. Its 5 am and wife is exhausted from taking care of the kids but too exhausted to argue with husband. 

Alone time to a woman: She dresses up and husband takes her out to a nice restaurant (not Red Robin) and they have great conversation while enjoying the fact that they don't have to smell his teenage son's gym socks or see that he left a mess in the kitchen.

See? Alone time can mean different things to different people. What your wife finds exhausting about your son might be easily fixed by showing her a little affection and reverence. Chances are she does a lot for you when you aren't noticing it. 

If you do this for month and she still nitpicks your son, there may be a problem that requires therapy or separation. But isn't she worth giving a chance? 

Ya know what's annoying? Living with other people you're not related to. You know what's only a little less annoying? Living with people you ARE related to.

I don't want to live with my kids (32, 29 and 26). And as much as I loved my XH2's 4 sons, I sure as hell was miserable living with them. They were (late teen and early 20s) nice and musically talented, but they were also 4 lazy males who ate us out of house and home, had trouble doing well in school and keeping jobs, came and went at all hours disturbing our sleep, and their presence interfered with OUR relationship. They were not my kids. I married my 2nd husband for him ALONE.

Stop treating your wife like someone who is "never satisfied" or someone you can't please. You CAN please her. Make her a priority. Send the kid off with friends or to his mom's or brother's place. Get the wife a hotel room.

Understand that even if she likes your son and he's a good guy, it's wearing on her nerves and she doesn't have the benefit of a biological bond with him. He is essentially like a perptual guest and I'm sure you're blinded to the many other annoyances of living with him and if you've even bothered to ask her what the problem is, you likely disregard her complaints as hysterical or unreasonable.

Make sure that kid launches - and lean on his ass to get a job. It's NOT OKAY for him to be a lazy bum who has to be hounded to do his chores "sometimes."

You had a child, so it's your job to be a good father. You chose to marry again, so it's also your job to be a good husband. You signed on for this. Just remember that your #1 responsbility is to get that son of yours raised and independent. Your #1 priority is a successful marriage and a happy wife. Only your son's needs for food/shelter/education/medical care come first as duties. His wants fall in last place to the needs and wants of your wife and marriage.

You can do it. You can succeed. Your son's job is to fly, be free and start his own life. A wife can love you and stand by your side for life. Don't screw it up.

As a bioparent, I can tell you that living with your own bio-kids is so much less stressful than living with someone else's. Even if yoir bio-kid has behavior problems and the "someone else's" is a perfect angel. Until you've lived it, you can't possibly understand. I didn't.

Let me try to enlighten you. My daughter is a teen and is going through a phase where she has some behaviors that make her difficult to live with. My SO's son is a teen and is a perfect angel. It's still easier for me to share living space with my daughter. Maybe because SO's son is opposite gender (have to be careful what i wear) and i don't feel i can speak 100% freely with him (BM is still alive and also, i didn't meet him until he was a teen so don't have that history that allows me to truly know what will hurt his feelings or not.) It wears on you. 

Without knowing anything else about you, your wife, your son, your ex, etc., the daily stress of living with an unrelated, opposite gender, teen, is something your wife lives with and you don't. 

From your description your wife has no friends, no family and its all you all the time.

Thats exhausting and hard to live up to.

She needs her own friends and her own hobbies or this will never change or get better.

Hi Arkdrummer,

Welcome! I totally understand where you're coming from because I'm a person that likes my space too.

I think if you can get your wife to agree to counselling that would be great. As Winterglow said, you and your wife have totally different perspectives on "togetherness"

It doesn't sound like your son's behavior is really an issue. However it would be good to start developing a launch plan with him, with set goals of job, college, apartment etc.

The big issue seems to be, from what you say, that your wife is quite clingy and wants you with her 24/7. Maybe she's frustrated because you both have different ideas of what togetherness entails, so her venting about your son is just an expression of that frustration?

vindictive & petty?

Your kid is a teen.  And a good one at that.

Your wife... as you describe her, is a vindictive and petty immature bitch.

smh

She is far more an immature teen than your son is.  Time for you to point this all out to her and tell her to get her head out of her ass.

IMHO of course.

Teens can be a PITA. I get that. Why not take your bride to a classy resort for NY and bang all over a luxury hotel suite. The you pull the teeth on the not wanting to be alone with your bride and.... there is no need to continue to let your wife be a bitch to your as you describe him, good kid.

There are many things about your wife that just don't pass the smell test.  

Anyone who does that is killing their relationship by a thousand cuts. It is fine to ask for a reasonable request to be met, but any amount of smack talk about someone's child is unacceptable. If you don't like the step kid, I understand but vent here or to friends same as you would if it was a friend's child. Talking smack about someone's kid is only going to bring out the mama/papa bear and get you the opposite of what you want. If the issue is you need more alone time, be an adult and say so. If the issue is you're a human and get a little jealous sometimes admit that and ask for what you need. I am not implying you can't be honest or ever ask your partner to correct their child, just leave out the smack talk. Please ask kid to stop leaving their shoes in the living room will get the job done while Kid is a disgusting creep who leaves their stinky shoes in the living room all the time will at best cause resentment and potentially cause a fight. Remember you are both on the same team so there's no winning against each other. There's only working together to get everyone's needs met.

One minute you say your child is amazing and does as told and the next you say he is lazy and wont do chores and bring friends over constantly rather than go out/hang out at their places

Which one is it?

Sorry but your wife doesnt have to clean after your kids, nor cook. She is entirely right and you prob feel frustrated about it because you expect her to help you more but you chose to be a single parent and seem to have little to no involvement with your first child and kind of let the second one live as long as he doesnt cause any problems that directly impact you.

Your son is 17 years old and constantly at home in his room. Im sorry but thats not what i would call "privacy" for a couple. He never goes away for visitation to his mom so I can see why your wife is frustrated with your ex because she is the one dealing with yalls child while mom is living it up out of state and you are dotting on your son and making excuses.

If i were her,i wouldnt worry about date nights or privacy. I would worry about whether this child will ever leave the home and launch on his own when he turns 18 or will she be an eternal witness to your coddling and absent minded parenting

You spend too much time being offended over her criticising your ex. She speaks her mind on your ex and you dont like it....probably because you have some unresolved shit going on with your ex.

My husband hates when i criticise his ex and i told him "why does it matter if I think negatively of her, is it hurting you?"....He got really quiet. Only ppl who cant handle criticism of their exes as parents are usually the ones who have unresolved feelings towards them.

You "love" your wife.....Probably in love with the idea of having a wife to fill in the void left by your ex

You should apologise to her and have a convo with your son about launching (17yo - 1 more year for college and career plans) and give him a schedule with days he has to be out with friends/gfs or find a hobby outside the home. When I was 17yo, I wasnt spending my new years eve with my parents as a couple lol....but your baby manchild does....ask yourself why?

It is very interesting to read through this. I agree with one commenter, who said that this is a step parent forum, so it's like criticizing the other team (or asking them for advice, and there's nothing wrong with that). If your wife learns to disengage as a step parent (which would be an essential for her), that would be great. But then again, it's not her who's here asking, it's you. So, you probably already have your answer as to whether she might be willing to learn what step parents can do to cope.

As I read along, I see that your wife might indeed be clingy. In other words, this is an entirely separate issue. The best you can do is try some of the suggestions other commenters have left on here, as well as do the things she is asking you to do. If you try these things and they work, then they work. And if you try them, and they don't work, then you know they don't work.

But one of the main things I see here is your effort to try to "get her to see." Believe me, as one who has spent much of his life trying to get others to see, whether it's in the form of, "if they only understood what a problem this is causing, they would stop that," or, "if they understood how I feel, they would stop that," I can tell you that it's a lot of effort for very little return on investment, if any. It usually doesn't work.

And the advice on getting counseling, which is not always the magic cure people think it is, is just taking "trying to get her to see" to another level, to: "if someone with a degree and credentials tells her the same things that I've been telling her, she will finally see, because unlike myself, this person is a professional and therefore their words carry more weight." Counseling may well work - for the person who is asking for advice, which in this case is you, not her. So, good luck in trying to "get her to see."

Another issue is time: in one, two...five years, you son may eventually move out. Will she be satisfied with your relationship then?

The only other thing I can think of is that you seem like the typical nice guy. That means you will continually try to explain, try all sorts of things to accomodate her and still have your boundaries walked all over and have her disregard you. A really good book on this is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's not about how to be mean instead of nice, but is a book on learning to draw healthy boundaries in relationships, which many of us never learned to do. It's worth reading and I wish you, and your wife, the best of luck.