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You reap what you sow.

Newstep's picture

Here is our tale of reaping what you sow for BM. SD17 is a senior this year, since her 8th grade year her grades have been crap so she lost her cell phone privileges when she was with us. Her BM got her a phone and gave it to her when she was at her house. She brought her grades up one semester so she could get her phone back then they tanked immediately. So she lost her phone again at our house but kept it at her BM's. We have tried enforcing rules with her, tried keeping her on track and BM fought us every step of the way.

She would fill SD's ear with all sorts of nonsense. Bashing SO and I for trying to keep her on a good path. Saying that we were mentally abusing her,how it wasn't right for her to be grounded when she brought home a 1.6 GPA report card. If that is all she is capable of doing then its not her fault. Everything we tried to do just went no where. If we would have had full custody I believe we could have made a difference. But BM wouldn't give up her paycheck/CS so there was never a chance of that happening.

So here we are SD will be 18 in January, shit grades, bad attitude, disrespectful to teachers. She stays in line at our house, no disrespectful attitude, no talking back because we would line her out real quick.

Well BM calls SO today leaves a tearful VM that "we need to talk" SD is out of control, we are going to have a problem when she turns 18, her bad attitude is too much for me to handle and on and on. So now she expects SO to back her up and get SD in line at her house even though she blocked us every chance she got. SO is debating whether he is even going to call her back. He feels like she created this mess and now she can deal with it.

I am staying out of it because I have pretty much disengaged from SD, we still have a relationship but I don't have any say in her grades and discipline anymore because I saw this happening 4 years ago.

Comments

ntm's picture

Nope, SO does not call BM back or try to fix what's wrong at her house. She made the problem, she can figure out how to fix it.

Newstep's picture

That is what I think too!! The dumbass creates this mess now wants to come crying for help. Too bad for her. I hope SO gets it but I am not sure. Oh and her message also said we absolutely must meet in person phone or text won't work :? :?

Newstep's picture

That is what I said!!!! She is trying to see if she can manipulate/control him again. She will be losing over 1,000.00/month.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I am sorry to hear that your family is going through this mess and I hope your DH makes her at least wait a couple of days if he does call her back. Your story is what I am waiting to unfold in my life any day now. Fingers crossed your DH can stay strong and tell BM to screw off. I wonder if my SO will be able to do the same when the time comes.

Newstep's picture

I don't see him calling her back right away or meeting up with her like she wants. But I am not 100% sure he won't respond later. I hope he tells her to screw off LOL

I hope it turns out better for you but I saw this coming 4 years ago its amazing how we can see things to clearly Smile

BethAnne's picture

She wants sd to live with you guys as soon as the money stops coming in for CS. If sd is well behaved at your house maybe letting her live there for a year or two while she gets a ged might help get her life back on track. I know it must suck to be used by BM like this but you two have to decide if you can make a difference to sd at this late stage me if you are willing too.

Newstep's picture

Yeah she probably does but that ship has sailed. We told SD two years ago if she didn't get her act together she was getting no help from us. She has always been made aware of her choices and she chose the wrong path. There is no way she will live with us after 18 or I should say with me because I will move out. I won't put up with her BS when I didn't put up with it from my own bios.

Maxwell09's picture

I agree with the majority. If he feels the needs to respond at all it should be to remind BM that HE did try, and she would undermine him everytime. I would also mention that y'all don't have to deal with her being disrespectful towards y'all when she is there because y'all have always enforced good behavior. BM should have done her part then if she didn't want to deal with a monster now.

With the exception of your skid being a girl and mine being a boy...this will be my Skid's Bm in the future. Just this sunday he called DH to tell us he was at a pizza game place about to go play games. While he was on the phone he was yelling at his other brother, Spawn and then yelled at BM to shut up because she was wrong and she needed to be quiet....yeah he's five. This is going to go really well for her when he's 15. He doesn't treat me, BS or DH like that so its not our problem. She wants to be the "best friend" cool, she chose her role just like your skids BM so they can deal.

Newstep's picture

I am still waiting to hear what he is going to do Blum 3 I sure hope he just ignores her. She always wanted to be the "friend mom" and not the parent so she is deserving of what she gets.

IslandGal's picture

That happened to us last year. Same thing. BM is bf with SD, who treats everyone like shit, despite all the warning signs..BM undermined SO and supported SDs nasty attitude. SD is now 16 and despises her Dad for not treating her like the golden child.

After SD started getting violent with BM,, she tred to get SO to meet so they could try to sort her out. SO told BM to suck it. She created the monster..she could deal with it. And he stands firm today, thank God. Hope your DH does the same thing.

Newstep's picture

That's good!! SD runs her mouth behind our backs about not being treated like the Golden child she is smart enough not to do it to our face. But I have a feeling she will turn ugly when she realizes we are serious about cutting her off after she graduates.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yep, this is sadly common. And as BethAnne points out, soon BM will be booting SD out for being the very person BM raised her to be.

DH needs to make sure that SD knows she will not be living with you, EVER.

Newstep's picture

For sure!! We have been telling her that for the last 2 years but I don't think she believes he is serious.

Maxwell09's picture

I'm not supporting a stepmom here, I'm supporting that BM continue to raise HER child as she has sought fit to do.

You are saying you hope her DH gives her one try because she deserves it...the op mentioned her DH did try and it didn't work out. I hope he isn't like you and keeps telling himself "one more...one more" because at this age this girl is who she is and isn't going to change because her dad calls and b!tches her out.

Maxwell09's picture

It's your opinion I have a warped sense of thinking; it's POPULAR opinion that it's you that has the warped mind.

WalkOnBy's picture

Kid is 17. Three years ago would have been 14. Also known as the beginning of high school.

So, yes, all through high school does apply.

WalkOnBy's picture

I guess you missed the part where OP and her husband have been constant and continual.

But, I guess that was because you were too busy scrolling waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back so you could make yourself relevant by thinking you found a "gotcha" moment.

OP and her husband don't have the behavior issues with skid that BM does. That, in and of itself, indicates that they parent in a constant and continual fashion.

My "nonsense" isn't stated "just for the sake of disagreeing with" you. It's because your bullshite is nonsensical and stupid.

Carry on, dear.

Newstep's picture

This is in reply to suesue

I'm not her stepmom I'm her dads girlfriend. I have my boundaries and am more than willing to move out if he wants to give her "one more chance". He is free to do what ever he wants and knows that. I stay with this man because he is an amazing father who tried to help his daughter to launch when she is 18. Her BM is a narcissistic lunatic whose influence is stronger than him trying to show her a better way.

In my world a 16 year old being told to get it together sure knows what it means and the consequences. She has been told over and over yet chooses to slack off and not do homework, chooses to be disrespectful to her mother and teachers. She has made her path and she will have to walk it. If her dad wants to enable her after he graduates he can do so. NOTHING I do or don't do influences this situation. I have my line in the sand and it was discussed before we moved in together.

But thanks for your opinion Blum 3

oneoffour's picture

If he responds at all he should tell her "We do not have any problems at our home. I have no idea what you are talking about." SLAM!

Newstep's picture

Yep Smile

notasm3's picture

I knew by age 13 that the only way to survive in this world was to work hard and prepare myself to do something where I could earn money. My parents were extremely poor and uneducated. Unfortunately they could provide no guidance at all. I had this totally unrealistic (as of 50+ years ago) goal to go to college and to better myself. Few people in my socioeconomic group even graduated high school - college was just unheard of.

So I call total bullshit on people who want to place all blame on the parents for not holding their children's hands and leading them to the trough of education and responsibility. Some of it just has to come from within.

If this SD has made decisions to be an irresponsible person - then that's on her. Neither parent is responsible for bailing her out now. Sometimes tough love works.

Acratopotes's picture

DH should simply tell BM.... BM what you do in your house is your business we are divorced and what I do in my house is my business, nothing to do with you. We enforce rules here and if she does not comply we take away her phone etc. She gets punished over here, maybe you should do the same...

robin333's picture

Something to consider is that although BM made this mess, your DH trying to help may alleviate problems in the future. You don't want her to be 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 and asking for assistance. Trust me on this one.

My situation is similar and I encourage DH to try to help skids get their crap together so they can be independent. Of course, the skid has to want it as much as the parent.

Gimlet's picture

It's a bit galling, isn't it? This is something I have had to think about, because there is a chance that DH and I will be faced with a situation like this with SSstb20 at some point.

As of now, DH's advice, support, and company are all being rejected, but that might change at some point.

DaizyDuke's picture

What is with these idiots? This is what BM2 did to DH. SS has been acting the fool since he was 10. Shoplifting, smoking dope, drinking, failing school, sleeping with skanks etc. Every single time, DH tried to talk some sense into the kid, BM2 would come running to his defense, bitch DH out about how he was sooo mean, a terrible father, terrible person.. all the usual BM blame game crap. DH tried to talk SS into coming and living with us but BM would have none of that because then she'd lose her CS and she uses that to pay her rent dontcha know and I'm not complaining because I would probably move out before I'd have that dope smoking, waste of space living under my roof with our BS6.

So, now SS is almost 18. No job, no driver's permit, 11 credits of the 21.5 that he needs to graduate.. so no chance of graduating, no goals, loser friends, still smoking dope, still drinking, basically still the same kid he was at 10.. just 18 now. and NOW BM2 wants DH's "help" in talking to SS about his life and why he has no motivation. WTF bitch? Little late for all that dontcha think?? DH has been trying to talk to SS about all of these things for years and YOU have been discrediting him and making him out to be the bad guy. Go pound salt and make up a room in your basement for SS because YOU'VE crippled him and can deal with the adult loser living in YOUR house. Stupid Skank.