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From Zero to Custodial stepmom in 2 months..Need advice pls!

newmommy05's picture

To be honest I am very overwhelmed and scared and anxious and stressed. BM is having us draft up something legal and binding to have SS8 move to live with us instead of with her. She told me at pick up and drop off this past weekend that she cannot handle SS anymore and thinks he would be better off with us. Do I want him to come live with us? Not really. Do I think he's better off with us? Probably. Right now Im wrestling between my selfish side and my underlying desire to keep my own "family" together (DH and DD1). BM is a nice person but according to DH and just from knowing her for the past 5 years, she doesn't care too much about SS. She's on welfare, so he uses him for a meal ticket and government housing, where she only has to pay $150 a month for rent for a 3 bedroom townhouse. Anyways, because I am a stay at home mom to my DD1, it automatically becomes my "job" to take care of SS as well. That is the overwhelming part. SS has ADHD and ADD. He is a nice kid, polite, etc. But has a really hard time listening to instructions and obeying. He basically has to have constant supervision or else all hell breaks loose. This weekend, he started calling me mom not because anything my DH or I said but because BM told him that he is going to come live with us. I really don't know what to do at this point. DH obviously doesn't realize all the extra work that goes into taking care of a kid 24/7. As I have mentioned before I do 90% of DD's care as well as all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. I am a stay at home mom, but DH and I also have a side business that I do all the admin stuff for.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has had to becomes a full time custodial stepmom? How did you handle it? routines? I am completely freaking out at the moment.

Comments

AtMyWitsEndNY's picture

I have to say,,, thank GOD it's only 1 child. Thank GOD he's a boy and not a whiney, needy, clingy, ADHD, step-daughter. I've been there - but with 2 whiney, needy, clingly, ADHD, emotional train-wreck SD's. Does BM plan on paying you guys child support? What the hell kind of Mother doesn't want her kid? Geez.

MommaSaSa's picture

I feel your pain!

I have been a SM to my SD11 and SS10 since they were 3&4 and in their lives since they were 1&2. Their moms are also abandoning and selfish- seriously WHO just hands their kid over and doesn't even care!!? I don't get it.

My DH has sole custody but works a bunch, so I feel basically like a single mom. We have one son together, so he gives me sanity, but my skids are also wonderful, loving, caring, thoughtful lil people. For that I am super grateful.

I do have moments where I get pissed that while I should be enjoying being a mom to my son, I am bogged down by taking care of two more kids that aren't even mine. But I truly feel that there is a reason I AM their day-to-day mom, and their BMs aren't. It sounds like you could be a much more loving and caring mother than his BM, and it also sounds like he is willing to accept you as "mom" which is much better than a bratty, whiney, "you're not my mom" kind of kid! Get all your fears and anxiety out on here. Have a heart to heart with your DH, but watch what you say about his son. I've found that out the hard way- I'll complain about my skids to my DH and he has ended up resenting me for it, and then it does damage to our relationship. Come here if you need to bitch! But be up front and honest and set your boundaries now. Your DH DOES need to be more involved with the parenting now. My DH use to EXPECT me to be the mom since I am a SAHM too, but I didn't like feeling compleeeeetely responsible for children who I didn't give birth to. It is a loooooong road of finding balance when you take on kids that aren't your own. But it can also be a fulfilling and wonderful relationship in your life if you make it that way. Try not to feed into the negativity that goes with caring for skids and try to give that boy all the love and care you can. But most importantly, take care of YOU so you can take care of your family. <3

RedWingsFan's picture

My stepmother is in her late 40's (she's less than 10 yrs older than me, 8 I think...) and she just got saddled with her 7 yr old grandson who has been diagnosed with ADHD, ADD, OCD and some other dysfunctional syndrome I can't remember. He's on meds and I've known him since he was tiny and he was and is a holy terror.

My stepsister couldn't handle him so she shoved him off on my stepmom's MOTHER, who was in her 60's. She got full custody of him and had him for more than a year, before she suddenly passed away from a severe asthma attack about 6 months ago. Instead of the kid going to his MOTHER (who is in her late 20's and has a baby by another guy and is living in a run-down trailer with HIS parents), the courts awarded custody of the boy to my stepmom.

Now my dad just turned 57 last month and he has a 7 yr old hyperactive CHILD living with him full time. Dad hasn't worked for more than 2 yrs due to his alcoholism-related health issues. He does NOT have the patience for this kid and has made it very clear to my stepmom he'll do his best to get the kid off to school and home, but then he's HER responsibility.

I've seen my dad and his wife go from drunken but functional people to full time parents of a kid that no one can stand being around for more than an hour. And both of them have stopped drinking almost totally but both are completely miserable too.

I don't know how their marriage is going to survive this. He's a handful to say the least and my dad is short on patience. He told me when my DD was born that he's raised his kids (my younger brother and I) and he looked forward to the day my stepsister moved out.