DH says he is not happy and will.move out with SS
Please read previous blogs for background...
Ugh so I tried talking to DH about Sending SS14 back to BM for the.summer and then just telling her to keep him. BM said her dad moved into SS's old room so she has no room. So DH said he will try to figure something else out.
I had warned him.before SS moved in last summer that he would have to step up big time and be his primary parent because I am not willing to be that. He of course said he would but didn't deliver. SS has issues and is a major PITA. I just don't want to parent him. But DH thinks I should parent him otherwise I don't accept him. Now he is saying stuff like I know our girls will be in good hands and i won't need to worry about them. I know the problem is DH and his lack of parneting/involvment in the kids lives that has lead to this. I hate that he is saying he will leave. I hate how BM can just pawn her halfnof the responsbility on me. I hate how DH doesn't hold BM accountable for anything but expects me to pick up her slack willingly. She contrinutes nothing while my life is complete chaos and my mental health has taken a beating.
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It doesn't sound like your
It doesn't sound like your husband contributes much more, as far as parenting goes, than BM does.
He does when I ask him to but
He does when I ask him to but otherwise no. I love him as my husband but yes he is a pretty nonexistent father. He just has no idea what to do with them and wants me to take the lead
TBH... SS is just as much
TBH... SS is just as much your DH's responsibility as BM's. Trying to force SS back to BM when she already sent him to you because she couldn't control him was never going to work.
Instead of ending your marriage and having your kids grow up in a broken family as well, would your DH be willing to look at boarding schools for SS? I realize that this can be cost prohibitive but at the end of the day, so is child support. That would be my argument to your DH to begin with. There are schools out there that have grants and scholorships and specialize in kids with behavioral issues. There is one in Texas that a lady that works for my IT company sent her kids to and said it made all the difference in the world and they have grants. All she pays for is flights during breaks.
https://www.calfarley.org
I have mentiomed boarding
I have mentiomed boarding schools but he is cheap to begin with and he thinks SS is getting better and doesn't need "extra help".
Once again, is a boarding
Once again, is a boarding school or divorce and child support cheaper for him. You have clearly drawn a line in the sand over this. He needs to be presented with real options with bottom dollar facts.
Divorce: 10K
Child Support: $1,000/ per month (I don't know what the actual number is but just throwing one out there)
Increase in cost of living: $1,000/ per month (Apartment, food, utilities, clothes for all the kids, losing your income, etc)
-OR_
Boarding school: $20,000/ year (which, like I said could be MUCH less with grants)
Isn't that sad that I have to
Isn't that sad that I have to show him facts about why not to leave us? And he money he will save?
People speak different
People speak different languages. My husband is very analytical and I am very emotional. We speak different languages.
Your husband may not even think this is about divorce, he may see an issue, figured the solution would be to remove SS from you to make you happy, and that in a few years you can live together again.
Sometimes you have to break it down in a way that your partner realizes what is happening. I will usually make decisions based on my feelings. He will make them based on the outcome- after he has worked it out in his head 10 different ways. I am a short term person, he is long term. We balance each other but can frustrate each other sometimes as well.
I hate it when hubby used to say
ss has matured and is getting better. I’m sarcastically rolling my eyes and saying huh??
he emotionally abuses everyone at home, is still disrespectful, lazy, inconsiderate and leaves his trash on kitchen floor for someone to clean up. This is the same as when I married you 4 years ago and still nothing has changed so explain which part has he matured and become independent when he financially lives 100% off you and messages you to top up the funds in his bank acct??
parents like this are delusional to think their kids are getting better when nothing has changed
Wait, so he doesn't want to
Wait, so he doesn't want to parent, but he's going to move out with him and be the full-time, only parent? He's bluffing. He's hoping you will say, "No, don't do that, I will parent him!"
Stand your ground. DH took him from BM, he needs to parent him. BS on the "you don't accept him if you won't parent him", that's just manipulation.
I am hoping he is bluffing. I
I am hoping he is bluffing. I hate the fact that he is willing to give up on our family and our marriage. He isn't going to actually pack up his and SS's stuff and leave, he will just be here passive aggressive.
Btw his plan is to move out with SS and life will be easy because I won't be there nagging him.about parenting and telling him all the things SS is doing wrong.
So he wants to move out
So he wants to move out because then he won't actually have anyone calling him out on his lack of parenting. Wow.
Yes thats pretty much it. And
Yes thats pretty much it. And the fact that he can tell everyone that I couldn't handle SS and forced him to leave so he can be the hero
Call his bluff. Let him know
Call his bluff. Let him know you will also be asking for alimony and full child support, since you've been a SAHM with his agreement. Then continue to not parent his son and make him do it.
He's going to move out
and be the full time DISNEY dad to mini-spouse, SS. Yeah that's really going to work when he ends up gagged, bound and killed by his precious for not giving him enough cash or a fancy enough phone.
I'd say "don't let the door hit you..."
Can you give us more background
Are you a SAHM? How old are your kids? I am NOT saying that a second wife cannot or should not be SAH, but any SAH parent puts pressure on household income. It is fine to say second wife should not have to deal with dad's older kids, but then the question has to be, imho, is the family sharing income and expenses, or should wife get to say, we share all income, but expenses (whether in kind or finanaical) are only of the parent who is responsible? IMHO, no easy answers
It's never a stepparent's job
It's never a stepparent's job to parent his/her stepkids for any reason, period.
That is your opinion
Spouses can either share income or not, but if spouses want to shae income, then I think only fair that expenses are shared too. If my DH was not employed and I was supporting him, I would expect him to pick up my kid from school, take to Drs, etc. Am I supposed to support the family and do it alll??? I think not.
So a SAHP must be responsible
So a SAHP must be responsible for an out-of-control teenager because she or he doesn't earn an income? Nope. Not in my book. If the kid is a disrespectful, defiant little shit to his own parents, it's not even possible for a SP to step in and correct the behavior.
Are you aware that SAHPs actually have jobs? I would never put my job (which is to raise a healthy, smart, well behaved preschooler) in jeopardy to attempt to parent some feral teen whose own parents can't be bothered. Not only would my efforts to course correct 12/15 years of shit parenting be useless in that effect, I would be sacrificing time and energy meant for my child. Hell no.
Your logic here is flawed
Your logic here is flawed STaround. Let's say DH and OP have kids. They agree that OP will stay home to raise THEIR mutual kids and she will be responsible for doctor's appointments, etc. They agree to this because they value either saving money from daycare, or not having kids in daycare.
Then introduce a full-time child who is ONLY DH's. DH is responsible for that child, financially and otherwise. If he can't afford that child, then he needs to get money from the child's mother, not from the stepmother. If that child needs parenting, then he or that child's mother need to parent that child, NOT THE STEPMOTHER. Nothing has changed in their basic agreement to raise THEIR kids at home. She is not responsible for HIS kid, in any way, shape or form.
Now, this kid is 14, so we aren't talking about her providing child care. We are talking about her PARENTING him, which means discipline, school issues, homework, etc. ALL OF THOSE ARE DH AND BM'S RESPONSIBILITY. As are doctor's appointments, etc.
Just because SM is a SAHM to HER kids, doesn't mean she's an automatic nanny and chaffeur for HIS kid.
I work from home part time.
I work from home part time. Dh and I run a buiness together and I do the office work during the day at home so yes I am the one running kids to school and picking them up,, making all the meals, watchkng them when they are sick and cleaning up. I don't mind doing that.
Oh GREAT
So DuH will be throwing the business over for his mini-spouse! Yep that's good thinking all around too. He'll have to hire an office worker to do all the books, taxes, etc. the way I do for Chef's business. Sorry DuH is a DOPE!!
How is your DH going to take care of his DS
If he moves out ? He is just bluffing. You have to make DH do more for his son. If he has to do everything for his DS going back to BM May look better to him
Your H is a piece of work. He
Your H is a piece of work. He's leaving with his son because you "nag" him about parenting so what will he expect once he's alone with his son? He's going to allow him to run wild and do what he wants?
Yeah he's doing you a favor and its a d@mn shame he doesn't want to take responsibility and own his role as his father but is ok with placing it on you.
It hurts to hear him say this
It hurts to hear him say this stuff but it does help to see other peoples POV.
He keeps flip flopping between letting SS go back to his BM or saying he will move out with SS.
I think your DH is
I think your DH is controlling...and he tries to flip it around on you by claiming that you are the controlling/nagging one. It's gross.
Think about it:
What to do? I'm not sure. Like you...I wouldn't want my kids to have a broken home. I'm not sure how...but you have to figure out a way to stand up for yourself within this marriage. Your DH doesn't get to erase your personality, your needs, your work building up your mutual business...this isn't all about him, and he needs to be disabused of that notion.
*hugs*
*hugs*
Thank you for putting the facts out there so eloquently. The business stuff he has apologized for. Neither of us know what was going through his mind when he made those accusations but so far ao good on the business front.
I do need to stand up for myself within the marriage. It kills me to consider having my girls' family broken. It seems like my only choice is to let SS stay here in order to keep my family together. I know the problem is DH. Ss is not the problem. Dh will not step up as a father in the way SS and I need him to. Ss is not the problem but he does have various issues/behavioral concerns/lack of proper parenting through his formative years. I do not want to be his replacement mom and I do not want to parent him at all at this point. Sure I can make dinner for him and everyone. But i do not want to be the one that reminds him of anything or corrects him. I can't let it go either becaise DH doesnt see anything he does. Or it will go days or weeks without being noticed.
Yes, you can let it go. He's
Yes, you can let it go. He's counting on you doing it so he doesn't have to. Yes, cook dinner for him if you are cooking it for everyone else, but nothing else. He can get to school on his own (I assume), do his homework, bathe himself, etc.
You do not have to be his parent. Stop overfunctioning for DH. If he doesn't care about his son's well-being that's not your problem to fix.
What about when he makes a
What about when he makes a mess in the kitchen? Leave it? Then wouldn't my girls think its ok to leave messes?
Is disengaging anyway to live? I feel like I would just be passive aggressive when i don't speak up about how im feeling.
You go to DH and say, "DH, SS
You go to DH and say, "DH, SS made a mess in the kitchen. Please have him clean it up." You decide what you can leave a mess and what you can't. You might clean the kitchen because it makes you nuts, but not take him to school or do anything about his room or bathroom. Disengagement looks like whatever you want it to look like.
If you don't want to disengage and you don't want to divorce, then just keep doing what you are doing. Are you happy now?
Not that your SS has
Not that your SS has disabilities... but mine does.
My kids get very frustrated at times when they see SS19 get away with things that they would never be able to. My response is "Life isn't fair. There are going to be people around you all your life that don't have to live to the same standards you do. I am raising you to do XYZ so you will be a successful adult one day." -- For my kids we add in that SS19 will still be living at home like a teenager long after they have moved out and finished college and have a family of their own.
What a worm of a man. I'm
What a worm of a man. I'm not sure how any woman could ever consider being intimate with such a man ever again.
It would be like the Sahara
It would be like the Sahara desert real quick!
Your DH is such a jerk, I'm
Your DH is such a jerk, I'm seriously having flashbacks. exH used to threaten divorce anytime a problem came up, "Fine, let's just get a divorce." I dealt with 12 years of this manipulative behavior of holding divorce over my head.
So DH would rather move out and parent ss all by himself than be the parent in your home?! This makes sense how??? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would suggest counseling ASAP before any final decisions are made. Maybe a therapist can help create a plan to keep the family intact and point DH to some parenting classes for his child.
Please take BM out of the equation, she is not dumping her responsibilites on you she's dumping them on her childs father. DH is the one dumping HIS responsibilities on you.
Yes i will suggest counseling
Yes i will suggest counseling. But how do I not resent BM in all of this? She dumped him on us knowing full well I would be the one dealing with SS. She obviously knows what kind of father DH is and dumped SS on us anyway.
No, no. DH is the one causing
No, no. DH is the one causing your grief. If he were a decent parent, this would not be as big of an issue. Yes, BM dumped him on you, but DH did, too - and DH is the one you married.
I'd feel a lot of resentment
I'd feel a lot of resentment toward both of them, honestly.
Does your SS not even go to his mom's for holidays...the summer?
He does go only if I buy the
He does go only if I buy the flight. Bm literally will not contribute.
That's such BS. Do you get
That's such BS. Do you get any CS from BM at all? Or has she dumped the entire financial responsibility on you as well?
That said...I'd buy that ticket in a heartbeat...and make it for twice as long as she'd agreed upon. Two can play dirty. Oh...I know you said you agreed to two weeks, but the flight was such a better deal if I booked it for a full month...I'm sure you won't mind since I'm paying for it, right?
If she wants to send him back early, she'll have to pay to change the ticket.
That may seem extreme...I'm not even remotely a bitch but I had to start being one with the BM we have. She was always trying to slip things past my DH, knowing he doesn't have a great memory. Unfortuntely for her, I do.
No she does not pay anything
No she does not pay anything for CS even thought DH paid her every month since SS was 2 when they broke up.She always says she has no money and no job and Dh just says ok.
This summer I will.buy the ticket (a one way) and see what happens...
Btw that not a bitchy thing, I would totally do that too. We also had to buy tickets when SS lived with BM and I would buy the tickets for a shorter amount of time BM requested for us to take SS.
Yep...your finances, your
Yep...your finances, your choice. That's maybe the only good thing about being forced into buying everything...you have all the control.
BTW - I love the posters on here who think you shouldn't have the right to refuse to parent your SS as a (working from home part-time) SAHM...but don't ask if the BM is sending any financial support at all. So you're not doing enough when you provide financial support and childcare for your household...but BM gets a free pass entirely. OK.
This whole situation is FUBAR and don't let anyone convince you otherwise or make you feel like you don't have a valid complaint because you and your husband have decided that you're going to stay home with your mutual children.
Like so many men DH is
Like so many men DH is getting a free pass and all the blame is going to BM. DH is his father, the bio parent in the home. He and BM made that decision. I'm sure he treated ss with the same hands off technique when he was with BM and maybe this was her way of having him finally take responsibility for his kid. You've supported that and now are rightfully resenting having all of DH's parenting responsibility placed on you. Blaming the long distance parent will do no good, your DH is the one who is responsible now.
I don't see anyone giving her
I don't see anyone giving her DH a free pass. Everyone is saying he's being a jerk.
HOWEVER. If there were a man who sent his kid to live with the mom full-time, refused to hold a job or pay any CS or do anything for the kid...and refused to even see the kid unless his ex insisted on it and bought the plane ticket...then we would rightly call that man a deadbeat.
In this scenario...at least the dad is paying for the kid, making some effort, and spending some time with him, which is far more than we can say for the kid's mom. According to OP, when the kid lived with his mom they did pay CS and exercise visitation, unlike the mom.
The BM here is a total deadbeat, and that is also impacting OP's life and finances. I see no problem with pointing that out. It's not giving her DH a free pass to acknowledge that the BM is falling down on her responsibilities...even more so than the dad is. The only adult here completely abdicating any form of responsibility for the child is the mom.
This is it exactly. Yet DH
This is it exactly. Yet DH demands nothing of her yet wants me to shoulder all the parental responsibilities of both parents. He doesn't ask for CS because he says theres no point she has no money. She is a deadbest through and through.
So SS just came home with his report card and was raving about it and Dh says to me, look SS did so good on his report card. I said thats great ( with no enthusiasm admittedly). Dh then says you can at least be proud of him....