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OT: husband wants a break

newmommy05's picture

As in a separation? I have no idea what he wants. He says not he happy and btw this has nothing to do with SS. It has to do with his rising success in our business and him wanting to continue the business on his own without my help. He thinks I micromanage him and thinks no one will want to work for him because of me. I am so hurt by this because i helped him so much in the first 2 years and picked up all the slack from.household.chores to childcare. He is scared I will screw him over financially by co owning the business with me. He took his pillow and slept in the family room last night and we haven't talked in 3 days except the big ugly cry by me trying to figure out what happened. 

What usually happens when men say we need space and sleeps in another room? This only happened once before and he spent the night at his friend's house, came back to grab clothes and I cried ugly to have him.come.back. i know i know...


tankh21's picture

Is he an introvert? My DH is and tends to keep his feelings inside and wants to be left left alone or just flat out ignores things hoping the problem with go away. It drives me insane because I am a extrovert and like to deal with things head on and solve them. I am also a control freak and I guess I tend to micromanage thing as well. If your DH truly isn't happy then give him the space he needs to think about things and maybe he will come around. I know it's hard. If he truly doesn't want to be with because he can't trust you then that is his problem and his loss! I am sorry that you are going through this.

thinkthrice's picture

am wrapped up in Chef's biz.  I am the "sensible" one that does ALLLLL the paperwork and financial decisions; he "turns the wrench."

I've noticed a MARKED decrease in Chef's attraction toward me since I'm viewed as the "manager" and to a lesser degree "his mother figure" when he tries to do something childish like blow off a customer he personally dislikes.

In my case it doesn't bother me that much because I have lost a great deal of respect for him during the "skid days" and when he tried to blame ME for their PASout.

We are basically "in too deep" roommates.

If you don't have kids with him,  I'd consult an attorney, get what you're owed out of the biz and RUN!  Let him handle the  biz on his own as I surmise from your post that you are the "back office" and engine of the biz.  I guarantee the biz will collapse without your efforts in less than a year.

If you stay, then let him take the reins, hire an acct, etc.  Less work for you.  If your DH is a big kid with ADHD like Chef, good luck!!!

newmommy05's picture

Yes I run the back office and handle the books and records and admin stuff. That is my background though and it's been running smoothly so I was shocked when he said all this. I will definately take a huge step back in helping the business. I have no desire right now to help him at all.

We have 2 young kids together and SS14 

justmakingthebest's picture

Sometimes a few nights apart isn't a bad thing. Once, one of my best friends and her husband spent a summer apart in a "trial separation". They came out of that summer stronger and happier than ever. Maybe he needs to remember what his life was like without you in it. I am sure that he will quickly be reminded that the grass isn't greener on the other side. 

I will say though, if he really wants your marriage to end, you won't be able to change his mind. Don't ugly cry. At least not in front of him. Be strong dear. You will get through this. But once someone truly checks out of a relationship, it is over. You are a partner in the business. You have rights. Protect your financial wellbeing. Don't sign anything without having a lawyer review it. Don't let him trap you into signing over all of your rights to the company just to have him leave you in 2 months anyway with nothing to show. 

It is time for counseling if he will go. Do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself centered and not a babbling ninny why you are in counseling. Be strong, be focused, be truthful. 

newmommy05's picture

I dont know what he wants. He is not talking..what I supposed to do to find out what he wants? We are still in the same house but not talking or sharing a room. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ask him to meet you at a marital counselors office. Tell him that as his wife you would at least hope he respects you enough to tell you what is going on. You deserve that. 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

find a good lawyer. Consult with good business lawyer. Make copies of all records, especially emails and documents you created.make copies of all personal emails that indicate you did more work so he could be at the office . (I.e. "Hey babe, I have to do xyz so can you pick up skids/make dinner/run errand"?)


is he cheating on you? Looking for a way to shame you out of his life so he can keep more money? Don't let him do it. Don't "play nice". Don't sit there and ugly cry. You are a successful business owner and strong woman. 

ndc's picture

^^^ This. Don't get so caught up in trying to keep him or win him back that you let him screw you.  You can run parallel paths for a little while.

ndc's picture

And if he's getting good legal advice he's going to stay in the house and it'll continue to be awkward. He's at least a few steps ahead of you. Even if you want to save the relationship, see a lawyer.

newmommy05's picture

I'm pretty sure he hasn't gotten legal advice.  Or do I think he's having an affair. We are crazy busy as it is. He's not acting differently other than not eating at home. Picking up fast food on the way home. 

ESMOD's picture

are you sure he's not eating out with another woman?  SEE a LAWYER... asap.  You need to document your role in the business.  Perhaps even get a postnup in place that solidifies what is yours

TexasPickles's picture

Yes yes yes. You need an attorney pronto. You need to know your rights here regarding the business. You need to protect yourself!

Willow2010's picture

Ok…just a few questions….

What was the catalyst that made him bring all of this up to you?

How long have you been married?

How long has the business been up and running. 

Have you all made it an actual company.  LLC? If so…whos name is it in? 

Does he have time to actual have an affair?  That can mean even one hour here and there. 

How old is DH?

newmommy05's picture

The catalyst was that he told me to look up how to incorporate our business because the liability was getting too much. So I talked to an accountant and figured it out and did it online. I didn't really think much of it and out as  other down as directors which means 50-50. I told.him this and he freaked out and said why is your name on it? He literally thinks I I'll have a 50-50 say on each little decision he makes. 

We have been married 9 years. Dh is 37 I am 32. The business has been running for 2.5 years. Started off slow but now is really picking up. 

Willow2010's picture

other down as directors which means 50-50. I told.him this and he freaked out and said why is your name on it?


 You NEED to freak right back out on him!!  First off…I think you would be half owner anyway if it came to you guys splitting up.  Second off…it does not sound like this man plans on being with you forever.  Sorry hun.  He sounds like an ass.  You helped him get the company off the ground and now he wants a “break” when it starts getting successful?  ?!!

I could NOT imagine my DH saying something like that.  AT ALL! 

PS…depending on what state you are in…make sure your marriage makes it to the 10 year mark.  Sorry hun but you need to maybe see a lawyer soon.  Just to cover your bases because your DH is on a path to screw you over pretty soon. 


Merry's picture

It's pretty clear he doesn't see you as an equal partner if he freaked at the 50/50 incorporation. That would be a big wake up call for me right there. How would HE define the partnership? Probably he is sole owner and you are the help.

Hell no. That's not how it works.

susanm's picture

1.  Gather all the business records you can get your hands on and an the incorporation documents along with any emails or texts that authorized you to do the incorporation and put them in a secure place like a safe deposit box in a totally new bank he does no business with.  While you are there, open your own account and start funding it any way you can.  Open a PO BOX to have the statements sent to.

2.  Go see an attorney NOW to determine your rights but keep your mouth shut about it.  And sign nothing unless your attorney says it is OK.

3.  Back off on the business completely.  Monthly bills will be coming due in about 2 weeks and he will be clueless about what needs to be paid and how to do it.  Not your fault if he - perhaps mysteriously? -  can't find what he needs, is it?  He said he doesn't need your help and you would not dream of nsulting his intelligence by getting in his way again!  *ROFL*

4.  Get busy looking for a job.  There are plenty of small businesses who would be thrilled to have someone do the same thing your husband had you doing and actually pay you for it.  That you were co-owner eliminates the need for a reference and you can use the old adage that "family and business don''t mix" as your reason for deciding to stop working for your husband.  You don't have to mention a possible divorce.  Plus your job search will make you "far too busy" to help out your husband when he cries that he "is sorry and needs you to help him figure out your system."  If he was willing to screw you with no notice it is not beneath him to bring you back in temporarily until he can hire an office manager.

5.  Realize that your husband has suddenly lost his mind and it is going to take a major act, not just words, to convince you that he has regained his senses.


Survivingstephell's picture

Is he having an affair?  This sounds like a sudden change in him.  I would wonder where its coming from.  Mental issues undiagnosed ?  Mid life crisis?  

Blaming you for being shady as a reason is unreasonable.  Protect yourself, don't give away all of YOUR effort from this success so far in your business.  NO man is worth that.