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SS going back to live with BM

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 9:33am

I finally told DH that I can't do it anymore. I told him not to blame me for the reason that SS has to go back to his mom's. The reason is that DH wants me to be the primary parent in our house and he would be the backup parent, this is our dynamic with our 2 daughters and it works for us as I am a stay a home mom while he works. The problem is that he expects the dynamic to be the same wih SS. I told him that it cant work like that. He has to be the primary parent to SS while I am the backup. He says he can't do it for whatever reason. He just doesn't want that kind of responability? I dont know exactly. SS needs a strong disciplinarian as a parent and he is not getting it from either of his bio parents. I was brought up by incredible parents who did everything for us kids but expected a lot from us. Anyways I guess I am just venting. Dh knows that SS has to go bsck to his BM by the end of the school year. I just dont want him to resent me. I told DH he is free to take SS and parent him in another place but I won't be living with him. Dh said no he will support me. I should be happy but I'm worried they will both resent me.

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 9:58am

Your H wants you to be the primary parent because he doesn't want that kind of responsibility???? Why the heck did he have kids??? He should have never had children because that's what kids are.....a great responsibility. His lack of parenting is really unfortunate and he has you to push it on. Not only do you take care of your daughters as the "primary parent" but your SS too??? Does his lack of interest in owning his role as a father not bother you?

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:06am

It sounds like i am excusing him from his responsibility for our daughters but we just have this dynamic and it works. I guess parenting just doesn't come naturally to him. He loves all of them but it just old fashioned like that. Do i wish he was more involved? Yes but for now it works. We have had lots or arguments about this but it goes nowhere. 

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 11:29am

"I guess parenting just doesn't come naturally to him."

Then way does he keep having children???  Your girls are extremely lucky to have you.  Unfortunately, their brother got stuck with 2 useless parents.

What will your husband do if anything ever happens to you.  

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 12:09pm

"What will your husband do if anything ever happens to you."

He'll find some other poor woman to try to push his responsibilities onto.  Isn't that what the majority of divorced daddee's do; try to find a new woman to fix their life and take care of their kids?  

shellpell's picture

Submitted by shellpell on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:07am

Let them resent you. Do what’s best for you and your two girls. You to be the primary parent for SS!?? That’s madness.

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:09am

Right?!?

Neither Bm or Dh want to be the parent that SS needs but I just can't nor am I willing. I tried this school year. At least I can say that. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:17am

Good for you.  Your DH is the perfect example of a father who should NOT have 50/50 or full custody - he isn't the actual parent.  And it's not your job to raise his kid just because you married him. 

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:20am

I totally agree. I guess i am just worried they will both resent me for not letting SS live with his dad. I tried to ger DH to understand my point of view and he says he does but I feel like he will just tell everyone that I can't handle SS and wanted him to leave. Ugh

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:38am

If he's going to tell anyone anything, it should be the truth, that he doesn't want to parent, so his son had to go back to his mom.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:25am

You can't worry about both of them resenting you when your H is not even stepping up to the plate and being a father to his son. Your H is not worrying about you growing resentment towards them so why is he not considering your feelings? I get the dynamic of you being the primary parent for your daughters works well for you both but I think because you take the lead in that he feels you need to do so in every aspect of taking the lead.

Your feelings matter and are relevant don't allow yourself to be guilted because you feel they will resentful towards you. He has to make arrangements for his son and work it out.

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 10:44am

BM dumped SS on us last summer and said she coildnt handle him anymore. Hopefully she can take him back. I already knew it was a bad idea then but DH asked me to try and I said fine. Well the trial is over and it is not working. It is so awkqsrd now and you can cut the tension with a knife. DH thinks I am too hard on SS and that I freak out over evey little thing that he does. And i said of course i do because its not my job to correct him but you dont see the majority of the stuff he does. 

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 11:44am

She didn't say yes or no when DH asked her recently. She just gave DH a sov story about how she has no money. I think she would as long as there is chold support which DH would of course pay. Although BM has not paid a cent this whole year since SS has lived with us.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 11:32am

Why care if BM resent you. Why would you be happy that, BM is happy, because you are doing her job.  Send the kid back to BM if your DH doesn’t want to parent his kid.  Your are not the babysitter,  your DH will most likely be happy that his kid is gone. And doesn’t have to drawl with him.  He can send a toy. 

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 12:34pm

"...your DH will most likely be happy that his kid is gone. And doesn’t have to drawl with him.  He can send a toy. "

I'm trying to figure out why any woman woud want to have children with a man like this????

newmommy05's picture

Submitted by newmommy05 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 12:42pm

I didn't make that statement. DH won't be happy that SS is gone. He will.however be happy he won't have to deal with my nagging when it comes to parenting SS. 

I chose to have kids with DH. Prior to marrying DH, we had very little contact with SS so I never saw him parent except for a few hours every other weekend as BM had alienated DH.  I do not regret having kids with DH. My kids are everything to me. I have given up on DH's disinterest in the kids. 

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/16/2019 - 1:03pm

 Do i wish he was more involved? Yes but for now it works. We have had lots or arguments about this but it goes nowhere. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It does not really work if you have lots of arguments about it. 

Your DH is a lazy and selfish man…of course he will resent you and blame you.  Im sorry but your DH is one of the worst on here.

 Didn’t your DH want a separation from you last year because you put your company in both of your names and not just his?  I take it that since you are still together, you let him take your name off?

Sorry, but your DH just get right on my last nerve.