You are here

Addiction issues - Need advice pls!

Yourstruly's picture

Hello. New here! Need some advice. So, my husband has 3 boys. 16,14,10 Bio-mom has 70/30 custody (but that’s only for the support) we offer get them on her weekends.  BM doesn’t work, she plays the system well. Court ordered her to get a job, she hasn’t. She has had an alcohol problem in the past and is a pathological liar.  She makes the boys keep things from us in order to “protect” her.  We’ve requested previously she has a random alcohol test for 6 months, she denied that. 1st sign!!! She has recently went out on a 2 week binge leaving the boys with her 80 year old mother & father! (She lives with them). Our terms are pretty good w/her parents as they have started to see right through her.  Every time she goes on a binge she goes to a detox center for a few days (lies to us about it & has kids lie to us) and then thinks she is good again. She has no remorse what so ever when she does this & she is hurting her boys! She blames us getting married, the boys liking me better, and so many other excuses for these binges. 

We don’t want to push her into a deeper “issue” by getting full custody but we do need to protect the boys and do not want them thinking this is ok to do.  To request for an immediate change the boys have to be in imminent danger. They aren’t because it’s the house they live in and grandparents are there!  Anyone else had this situation or any advice on what we can do??

weve had to block her phone number cause she calls drunk, crying and making up crazy stories about her or the kids. My husband uses a court ordered website to communicate. Please help!  

hereiam's picture

You are more concerned about pushing her into deeper issues, than the boys' well being? If there is a chance that your husband can get full custody, it sounds like he needs to do it.



Yourstruly's picture

Well.. I know it came off like that. But what we really want is for her to get help. we know when we do get custody she is really going to go off the deep end. I guess a better question Would have been what should we put in the court papers so she gets help and makes this right for the sake of her boys? She is so good at lying but we know the truth. She will say she doesn’t have a problem and play the victim again.  We want the boys to have both parents but not addicted ones.  She will claim her kids are her life etc... but won’t do anything about it. I guess I just feel bad for her having to loose her kids although I’m not justifying the situation. Make sense? 

hereiam's picture

The problem with addicts is, they have to want to get help.

I really have no idea how to get the courts to force her into getting sober, I have never been in that situation. Have you consulted with an attorney to see what your options are? Is there any proof of her problem? Her detox stays? Any arrests?

At the very least, can the boys stay with you and your husband during her binges and detox stints? I'm sure their 80 year old grandparents would appreciate the break!


Yourstruly's picture

We live 30 miles from them and the only situation is school vs our work schedules although we would definitely accommodate it, but The grandparents seem to think that would have more of an affect on the kids if we just take them.   We have talked to our attorney, and due to the kids not being in imminent danger we have to request a court date etc.... it’s not right .. they aren’t the parents & make us feel wrong for it. Weird situation I know.  Your right she would have to want help maybe then I just answered my own question, with your help, we request a court date and have our attorney get her detox records and file for physical custody until she can prove she is fit not to leave them.   Thank you so much For responding.  

hereiam's picture

I hope it all works out.

Maybe, with the right motivation and the courts intervention, she will get, and stay, sober.

flmomma08's picture

If her kids don't make her stay sober, nothing will. Don't feel bad. She has to decide she doesn't want to live like this anymore, and only then will she be able to be helped. Can't help someone who doesn't want it. The kids in the situation need to be living with the parent who is sober and stable. Mom can have supervised visits if she can stay sober long enough. Sorry, I don't have much sympathy. My soon to be ex DH is an addict who has put us through hell and we are going through a divorce right now because of it. The kids' safety has got to be put first in these situations.

As far as custody, no it is not going to be enough to get emergency custody. Unfortunately the kids lives would have to be in imminent danger which is complete BS. But I would file for a regular custody mod asap.

tog redux's picture

You can't help her. Only she can help herself.  Maybe if DH takes custody of the kids, that will be her rock bottom and she will get help.

If the two older boys want to live with you, there is a good chance DH will be given custody of them if you go to court, and it's unlikely they would leave the younger one there, too, if you can prove BM's instability. Would her parents help you get custody?  Can you prove these binges?

BUT, if the kids will lie in court to protect her, you might as well flush your money down the toilet rather than go to court.

Yourstruly's picture

We have had past issues and our attorney has sent warning letters. She is actually in contempt of court for breaking the no drinking w/in 48 hours of having her kids & not getting a job due to the judge issued a gavron warning.  Our attorney is able to obtain proof by getting the medical records from the 72 hour detox.  However, she manipulates the kids and your right she probably would have them lie. We would only try to get the 2 younger 2 since the oldest is a senior in school we don’t want to take him out of school, he’s very involved as he doesn’t want to be at home.  The grandparents could? But when it comes down to it they may just lie also.  Sad thing is they have all gotten good at it to “protect” her from being in trouble. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Do you think her parents would back you up in court? The boys are also old enough to have a voice. Do they want to live with you instead?

Yourstruly's picture

They want mom to get help and tired of her leaving them. We do not talk about her to them or in front of them unless they bring her up but we still don’t talk bad about her and mostly listen. She needs them taken away to hit rock bottom we believe. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would try and set up a meeting with the grandparents. If they will state in court that BM takes off and leaves them with the kids while she is out on a bender, I think you would get custody very quickly. Just reassure them that you will never cut the kids out of their lives and that you appreciate all that they have done for them for so long. 

If the 16 yr old will say what is happening in court, that also would go a million miles in your favor but that should be a converations in judges chambers and not infront of either of you.

Thumper's picture

HEY OP---are you out there?

Since you reported to us that your husbands ex goes on benders during her visitation time. I encourage you to report the facts as YOU know them to authorities. Hopefully she wont stick the kids in a car and drive them around.

POOR kids, no one is protecting them and that includes you and DH.

Granny didn't report what she knew...and YOU and dh have not reported what YOU know. The topper is you refuse to discuss what they are going thru INSIDE bm's house.








Yourstruly's picture

@Goodluck your assumptions are incorrect. let me Clarify for you -you say we refuse to discuss...far jump from what I said which is... "we do not talk about her to them or in front of them unless they bring her up but we still don't talk bad about her and mostly listen"  - that is not refusing to discuss, they are kids, they do not understand Alcoholism when they say something we listen and respect her as their Mom rather than BASH their Mother while she is sick!! Also you have to remember they have been trained by Mom to  "lie" to us to "protect" Mom!  Where ever you get that we aren't protecting them is absurd, another assumption -but you can say what you "ASSUME" and I don't need to justify that to you.  How do you know we or the grandparents haven't reported anything? again keep assuming - you seem pretty good at it!


advice.only2's picture

DH should be talking to his children about the fact that she is an alcoholic and has an addiction and that it's not okay.

Everybody is enabling her to the detriment of these kids. How will your DH or the grandparents feel if she gets into an accident and kills one of the children?

Yourstruly's picture

He talks to them about her being sick, if they ask  they do not understand alcoholic or why?? We have previously made it very clear she is not to drink w/in 48 hours of being with children..opps I meant the "JUDGE" made that very clear. We are definitly not enabling it, which is why I came to this site to see if anyone else has had experinece with this. Its nice to hear different approaches taken especially when there is a roadblock such as "NOT IN IMMINENT DANGER" since they live in the house.

Rags's picture

Why are you and their father sacrificing these boys to this drunk POS?  Pushing her over the edge should never be a concern. Protecting the kids should be.