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When these emotions keep resurfacing

nana09's picture

I remember being 6 yrs old, looking out the airplane window and wondering why was my dad not with us. It had only been a few hrs and I already missed him. I had no idea what my future had in store for my siblings and I, Not having a clue that it was the end of it all. I dont remember more than half of my childhood and idk if its because my mind refuses to remember or because thats how messed up my memory is. All I know is that the few memories I have, half of them are things that i still remember like yesterday and are the memories I wish i didnt have.
Once the woman that birthed me(me being the oldest), my 2 brothers,1 sister and I arrived to Mexico and settled in temporarily at her mothers, it only took a few months for her behavior to change. She wasnt the loving mother she once was. She wasnt who she was. She eventually would leave us to our fate. I remember her buying a small corner store for her to own and run, with small rooms behind the store for us to stay and live there. Did i question myself how did she manage to own that store if she wasnt working? I did, but never asked. I remember that behind that store in those rooms we had NOTHING but a small twin size bed in which my siblings and I would sleep cramped up. Going to the gym was more important to her. Going to the club and meeting men at night was her thing. Bringing friends around so they can free load is what she would do when she was around. I would ALWAYS wonder "what about my dad?" I remember wearing ragged clothes at times, dirty shoes maybe even ripped, dirty hair and lice. I remember her wearing her nice black leather jacket, black jeans, hair done and telling us before she left "if you are hungry, go to grandmas". I remember 3 of us always stayed together, alone, helping one another "shower" and making it as fun as we could. Roaming the streets of Mexico, alone. My youngest brother? Idk, maybe left to be taken care by someone? i remember 1 night while the 3 of us slept cramped up in the twin size bed, i woke up to her being layed out in the floor in the same room with another man doing what you can only imagine, my youngest brother being right next to her. I remember being so hurt, saying "im telling my dad". She said "go back to sleep", and I did. I was 7 by now. I remember her mom beating her with a wire cord, and if im not mistaken it was because of us. Her lack of care for us. The day came that my paternal grandmother and uncle drove from out of state to save the 3 of us from the life we where living. A year later we finally came back with my dad. Turns out she lied to my dad, making my dad fly all of us out to Mexico, making him think that he will stay here a few more months, earn more money and than catch us up out there. That both would make a life out there together because my siblings and I could always fly back out here as we got older if we didnt want to stay out there and make a life there. She flipped on him. My dad would send money to this woman to provide for us. She didnt! He sent her the money to buy that corner store so she could make a living to care for us. She failed! Her mother had to call my dad and beg him to come and get us. One thing he never did As we grew older was speak poorly of her. He only gave us answers whenever we had questions. Coming back out here, life didnt get any easier, trying to adjust to a new life with only dad raising us at first, and than eventually having to learn that he was getting married to another woman and having a child with her. Dont get me wrong, my sister and I now love our step mom, but it was some rough years. Thats a whole nother story. I havent seen "the woman" since than. I am close to 30. I have only heard a few things of her here and there. She still contacts my brother. My brother is weak minded and lets himself be manipulated by her. He is ok with it, he always wanted his mother regardless. She has reached out to my sister and tried building a relationship with her but my sister is still hurt. My sister has tried getting answers out of her but apparently this woman was never wrong and happy with the outcome of everything. She is ok with the fact that she wasnt there for us. She hasnt bothered reaching out to me at all and idk why?!....I have lived my life making it seem like I am over it, like i am ok but i am not. Deep down somewhere in my heart and soul theres something missing. I dont feel complete. Something in my life is missing. Sometimes I just want closure and for her to reach out to me to say she is sorry. Its not going to happen. I want to forgive, not for her but atleast for myself. To finally be at peace, to not continue feeling like I do but I cant. I wonder if i am just going to forever feel this way all the way to my grave.


Siemprematahari's picture

What you and your siblings went through was very traumatic. Have you ever received any therapy for this? If not, I hope you do and know that your feelings are valid. Sending you love & light and that one day soon you get the peace & healing you deserve.

nana09's picture

This is probably not they correct way to think, right?! but I didnt ever concider therapy because i have felt like I think im strong enough, i should be strong and show the world that i am strong enough to have control over how i feel and how i deal with this. Behind doors, i crumble when it happens. This morning i woke up fine, with my baby next to me thinking how innocent he is and how he depends on me and all these cute thoughts, and than I start thinking how innocent i was when all this started happening. Just like that these memories creeped into my thoughts. 

ESMOD's picture

Seeking therapy isn't weakness.. It is being strong enough to realize that you need help.  Everyone needs help at one time or another in one form or another.

You also should be mindful that if you have a baby, you could also be going through some post partum depression and THAT may be dredging up these less than happy memories.

Siemprematahari's picture

Darlin' you're a strong woman but we are still human beings at the end of the day. We all crumble, we all fall, and we all need that support to guide us to get back up.

shamds's picture

You have realised your mother who didn’t act like a mother, is the only one responsible for her actions and inaction, the lies and truth and a true narcissist is never wrong, its always someone elses fault

its very hard when you’ve been tortured and brainwashed by a narcissist to see the truth and hold that person accountable for how they behave

my husbands exwife has convinced her daughters its dad fault she went psycho and on a pas hcgubm rampage... everything is hubbys fault but she chose to behave this way on her own accord. She cheated behind hubbys back whilst still married to him and later married this ex high school sweetheart who left his wife to marry her. The sd’s have justified this as acceptable but somehow hubby waiting 5-6 yrs after the divorce to meet me and marry and have kids is wrong...

beebeel's picture

It wasn't until recently (I'm about to turn 37) that I was finally able to forgive my mother in a way that I found peace with it. But I didn't experience nearly the trauma that your mom put you through. 

Some people should never become parents and your mom is a prime example. 

Do you have any bio kids yourself? Having my son helped change my perspective and feelings toward her. On one hand, I finally understood that parents are just people and they have flaws like anyone else. I'm not a perfect parent, but I strive to be better than my mom. On the other, I still sometimes long for a mom/grandma like so many others in my life enjoy. 

It also helped me to develop close relationships with older ladies in my life. My MIL has her moments of extreme annoyance, but she really has been there for me and my son. I have a couple close friends from high school and their moms were happy to "adopt us" into their families. My kid skypes with dh's boss more often than he does my mom. He thinks she's "grandma boss lady." 

Some things are unforgiveable, and I rate child abuse/neglect among them. To find peace, you have to let go of that desire that your mom is capable of being any kind of mother. You have to accept that this is who she is and nothing will change her. There is nothing that 30 year old you could do or say to get that closure, because she didn't even care enough about 7 year old you to not cause this trauma. 

You are a whole person. You aren't missing anything from her absense, besides the shitstorm and eternal disappointment she would cause in your life. If you yearn for a maternal connection, make one with someone who deserves it. (((Hugs)))

tog redux's picture

I'm sorry you went through that.  It shows just how deeply it affects a person to be cut off from a parent for any reason. 

Therapy really might help you.