When these emotions keep resurfacing
I remember being 6 yrs old, looking out the airplane window and wondering why was my dad not with us. It had only been a few hrs and I already missed him. I had no idea what my future had in store for my siblings and I, Not having a clue that it was the end of it all. I dont remember more than half of my childhood and idk if its because my mind refuses to remember or because thats how messed up my memory is. All I know is that the few memories I have, half of them are things that i still remember like yesterday and are the memories I wish i didnt have.
Once the woman that birthed me(me being the oldest), my 2 brothers,1 sister and I arrived to Mexico and settled in temporarily at her mothers, it only took a few months for her behavior to change. She wasnt the loving mother she once was. She wasnt who she was. She eventually would leave us to our fate. I remember her buying a small corner store for her to own and run, with small rooms behind the store for us to stay and live there. Did i question myself how did she manage to own that store if she wasnt working? I did, but never asked. I remember that behind that store in those rooms we had NOTHING but a small twin size bed in which my siblings and I would sleep cramped up. Going to the gym was more important to her. Going to the club and meeting men at night was her thing. Bringing friends around so they can free load is what she would do when she was around. I would ALWAYS wonder "what about my dad?" I remember wearing ragged clothes at times, dirty shoes maybe even ripped, dirty hair and lice. I remember her wearing her nice black leather jacket, black jeans, hair done and telling us before she left "if you are hungry, go to grandmas". I remember 3 of us always stayed together, alone, helping one another "shower" and making it as fun as we could. Roaming the streets of Mexico, alone. My youngest brother? Idk, maybe left to be taken care by someone? i remember 1 night while the 3 of us slept cramped up in the twin size bed, i woke up to her being layed out in the floor in the same room with another man doing what you can only imagine, my youngest brother being right next to her. I remember being so hurt, saying "im telling my dad". She said "go back to sleep", and I did. I was 7 by now. I remember her mom beating her with a wire cord, and if im not mistaken it was because of us. Her lack of care for us. The day came that my paternal grandmother and uncle drove from out of state to save the 3 of us from the life we where living. A year later we finally came back with my dad. Turns out she lied to my dad, making my dad fly all of us out to Mexico, making him think that he will stay here a few more months, earn more money and than catch us up out there. That both would make a life out there together because my siblings and I could always fly back out here as we got older if we didnt want to stay out there and make a life there. She flipped on him. My dad would send money to this woman to provide for us. She didnt! He sent her the money to buy that corner store so she could make a living to care for us. She failed! Her mother had to call my dad and beg him to come and get us. One thing he never did As we grew older was speak poorly of her. He only gave us answers whenever we had questions. Coming back out here, life didnt get any easier, trying to adjust to a new life with only dad raising us at first, and than eventually having to learn that he was getting married to another woman and having a child with her. Dont get me wrong, my sister and I now love our step mom, but it was some rough years. Thats a whole nother story. I havent seen "the woman" since than. I am close to 30. I have only heard a few things of her here and there. She still contacts my brother. My brother is weak minded and lets himself be manipulated by her. He is ok with it, he always wanted his mother regardless. She has reached out to my sister and tried building a relationship with her but my sister is still hurt. My sister has tried getting answers out of her but apparently this woman was never wrong and happy with the outcome of everything. She is ok with the fact that she wasnt there for us. She hasnt bothered reaching out to me at all and idk why?!....I have lived my life making it seem like I am over it, like i am ok but i am not. Deep down somewhere in my heart and soul theres something missing. I dont feel complete. Something in my life is missing. Sometimes I just want closure and for her to reach out to me to say she is sorry. Its not going to happen. I want to forgive, not for her but atleast for myself. To finally be at peace, to not continue feeling like I do but I cant. I wonder if i am just going to forever feel this way all the way to my grave.