My turn to blog
I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, but that's because everything has been going so well, thanks in most part to ST! Your own personal blogs have helped me greatly deal with the typical stepfamily issues. I have learned to deal with a lot of sticky situations and put them into context now. However, today I am disappointed, and I feel I should get it out, hopefully get some support, and move on.
Mr. Niceguy is going to his daughter's gymnastics meet today. It's a 2-1/2 hour drive, and he will be there all day. I was disappointed because this was not his weekend, and I'm left here to rot, but I could deal because he wanted to see his daughter. My problem, not his. However, my disappointment grew when he happened to mention minutes before leaving that he would be driving together with his ex. When he saw how disgusted I was, he called her right up and explained to her, and then his daughter, that he would not be able to drive with them and would see them later at the meet. Ex then got pissed and said she didn't want to sit with him, and he blew up! He threw my phone and broke it. He was between a rock and hard place, I know, and I hated to put him in that situation, but am I not entitled to my feelings?
He says he was only thinking logistically and convenience wise when he decided to drive together - I believe him! I know how men think. But from a female aspect, I'm thinking of how I'm sitting here thinking about he and his ex driving together and having conversations that are probably none of her business, but he won't pay attention to that, because he's just being a nice guy. Well, he decided to go ahead and drive up with her, so now I'm stuck here with my feelings.
You are probably asking why I did not go along? I can't, I have a family of my own, and I have always tried to stay out of their family matters. As far as I am concerned, I love his kids from a distance - I am only a nice lady to them. I do not want to get enmeshed in his and her already decent coparenting relationship. She is really lucky to have an ex-husband who is a nice guy and who treats her with respect and raises those kids just as much as she does. My ex treats me like a piece of crap, and it hurts me still today. So, forgive me, MrNiceguy, if I get a little envious inside for not having that support.
Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. Any of your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
MsNiceguy
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Comments
wow, I can see your point
wow, I can see your point exactly. I have the same problem with my DH and his ex sometimes.. she will ask him all kinds of personal crap and Im sitting there thining to myself.. hes being manipulated and doesnt even know it.. because.. like you said men are totally unaware and dont stop to think as to what these women are trying to do, they are just being nice and making small talk and then the ex turns into this HUGE vice and starts squeazing everything out about your personal life out of them and them not even be aware of it. I know that its not that you dont trust him, its her. Im really sorry its happening to you because it really bites big time.
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Red flag 1: She got mad at
Red flag 1: She got mad at him for changing his mind, and then refused to sit with him. She is too emotionally dependent on their relationship, and still sees him as an intimate whose friendship and good opinion defines her feelings of self-worth. Red flag 2: He got mad at you because she was mad at him. He prioritizes peace with her, and avoidance of conflict, over your peace of mind and comfort level.
It sounds like you are doing great, and a lot less tortured than a lot of us. Good for your DH for making that call right away. Hopefully, he can learn to anticipate that this situation would have bothered you, and never committed to it in the first place.
Perhaps, part of why you are doing great might be because you and your DH haven't done the hard work of reaching a meeting of the minds on appropriate boundaries in his co-parenting relationship with his ex. Avoiding this emotional and conflict-laden task will lead to more hurt for you (and everyone else--look how many people are mad now!) down the road.
Where the ex hasn't emotionally separated from DH, boundaries are in everyone's best interests, including the kids. In my opinion, a co-parenting relationship should be more "professional," and not based on a supposed "friendship" derived from their past intimacy and continuing connection over their kids. As her reaction to your DH's call indicated, there is no such thing. If she was truly only a "friend" or "co-parent," there's no way she would have blown up at him and refused to sit with him after he said he couldn't drive with them. He hurt her feelings. This, at bottom, is what she's feeling; personally rejected. He was going to go, so it wasn't about her defending her kids; no matter how she spins it, it's about her. And that's a red flag that boundaries are needed. Good luck.
family
Your H and his X are presenting themselves as a family unit. They ride together, sit together and dine together for this all day event. WOW! My H and I have made many trips to the ball park, dance theater, graduations and so on, but we were always together so everyone knew who the wife was.
If someone's ex wants to be friends with them...
Then they need to be friendly with you. You should be invited to go and sit with them, ride WITH them. I know this sounds like a fairy tale but bear with me. I had this rule with my ex (I was his 2nd wife and they were not married long - no kids.) His ex wanted to hang out with him, meet him for dinner b/c they were "still friends." He said no, b/c I was not happy about it. In my book, it would have been fine, I'm friends with some of my ex-longterm relationships so I understand that can happen. However, then she should have wanted to get to know me, be friends with me, but she didn't because she was jealous. She would call and if I was home she didn't want to chat with him. She invited him out to dinner once (when we were just living together) and he said no, b/c I would be waiting at home to have dinner with him. "Oh? I FORGOT she lived there."
Ummmm...sure.
Later in our marriage she ended up volunteering to host a mutual friend's shower with my (then H's) sister so that she could then demand I not be invited due to her being uncomfortable around me(all of my then H's family were there...and his EX wife.) Please. Grow up.
So when my ex's new wife extended pleasantries, invitations to sit with them at school functions I jumped. We have kids together but that was not the point to me. I am not just a co-parent with my ex and his w, we are friends. My new H loves that we managed to do this, and he is not jealous, he is comfortable enough to let my exH do some remodling here, and have a key to do so.
My point is your feelings are valid, b/c this woman thinks she can have a special exclusive friendship with your H JUST b/c they have kids. NO. If she wanted to really be friends, she would extend that to you. It seems instead she takes comfort in excluding you and having him to herself. If she respected you at all she would eiter extend the invitation of friendship to you, OR keep her contact with him strictly business.
Goodluck. You're not asking for too much. Your H needs to decide where his loyalties lie, and not have a friendship with "another" woman, that doesn't include you.
Peace, love, and red wine
Right on to all of the above!
That's the way my ex and I are. We're nice to each other and friendly, but that's as far as it goes. I know his gf and she is really nice, but I have no desire to be BFF with her. I've got my own life and my own friends and that's the way I want to keep it. The gf treats our kids very well and the kids are respectful of her and her kids as far as I know and can tell.
I am friends with some of my exes co-workers, but you'll never see me grilling them for info about my ex because I don't care! My ex will even pass info through his co-workers to me sometimes about completely unrelated issues, but it's okay.
For example, his one co-worker's daughter and our daughter are in the same class at school. So she and I socialize. Today she and I are going to a party together and my ex suggested that she ask me to go along with her! I guess my point is my ex and I know each other's boundaries and it has nothing to do with wanting to get back together or whatever. My exes gf actually said to me once, "I wish my ex and I got along as well as you guys do".
My ex went to court with his gf to give a character reference about his gf being a good mom. From what they told me, her ex just doesn't get it and she had to go to court to get back CS because he never paid it...whatever. It's weird I know, but I'm glad that my ex was able to help her in that way and be there for her. If he's happy, then the kids are happy and that's all that matters.
Okay, I didn't mean to ramble on, but I think the main point is, that boundaries are necessary and it seems that your DH is really trying to please everyone, and his loyalties lie with you definitely, it just maybe came out the wrong way.
You put that very well,
You put that very well, MamaJenn. Every situation is different. Your perspective sounds very close to mine.
I want to elaborate on my perspective, but I should do so in my own blog. Here I'll just say that unless the SM is happy to have the BM play a leading female role to DH's male role, trying to have a true friendship where the BM and/or DH are still emotionally enmeshed is dangerous to the SM's peace, as well as everyone's else's. If people are respectful of boundaries and mature, then sure, friendship can be possible, if all parties desire it.
Given her tantrum, Ms. Niceguy's BM doesn't sound ready for this. It sounds like she relies on the so-called friendship as an opening to stay inappropriately emotionally connected to DH. Given his tantrum, DH doesn't sound ready to create a true friendship either. With a great attitude like Ms. Niceguy's, and support from her DH, maybe they can all get there someday, if they all want to! I think the first step is to get on the same page with DH. Just my two cents!