Christmas bills
I thought the days of spending a grand for Christmas was long behind us. My 3 kids are grown and his two kids are close to grown, 18 and 13. Every time october/november rolls around, I'm in a panic because I haven't managed to save for Christmas, yet the gifts still have to come. I guess because we have a small savings, we are better off than some, but the point is, we are not rich enough to be saddled with a thousand dollar Christmas bill every year. His kids are getting the lions share of this money and so I feel so bad that I have to be so cheap with my kids. I know they don't need a lot, but I can't help but feel resentful. His daughter called with her Christmas wish and of course it was more than we had agreed, but right away he said yes and it just ate me up inside. Christmas is so overrated and I'm sick and tired of it. The religious and giving aspect of this holiday is what I should be concentrating on but instead I feel like I'm being fleeced. So glad to have this safe space called steptalk where I can share these feelings, as ugly as they are...
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I feel the same dread as you
I feel the same dread as you when this time of year rolls around. The sd15 gets the majority of the "budget". But the DH seems ok with it... so I guess I will do the best I can for the grown bio's and grandkids, and something alittle extra for the ss18butstillinschool, as he's an awesome kid and left out as well. I will however make sure I have enough left for a nice bottle of wine. I wonder what your group would think of homemade gifts and or cookies and candies if that's something you like to do?
I struggled every year to
I struggled every year to provide a decent Christmas for my kids but it was pretty much understood by my kids that it would drastically change when they reached adulthood. My kids know they can't call me up and name their gift, but his kids can and the double standard makes me sick! It's like when Christmas rolls around, our united family devolves into his and mine and it makes me feel yucky.
I totally agree. He may as
I totally agree. He may as well just hand her a check!
I'm going to offer the
I'm going to offer the opinion on the other side of this coin and say I LOVE buying gifts at Christmas time for family. I love planning out what I'm going to buy, going out and buying it, wrapping it, giving it, etc. I drop a ton of money at Christmas because gifts are one of the ways I show love. That and cooking.
If my DH told me that we couldn't spend money on Christmas, or put such a stranglehold on what could be spent that I couldn't spend enough to get something decent, I'd be hurt. For me, gift giving is part of the spirit of Christmas, and I want it to be nice and special, even if it's unappreciated.
Do you think your DH may be similar? Do you think he gives gifts because he wants to, or maybe it's part of his tradition or a tradition that he likes/wants to keep alive? Do you share finances? If you do, do you both try to save leading up to Christmas, or do you take the approach every year of hoping that no money means no presents? For me, no money at Christmas just means I have to be creative, or I budget later. Are you behind on bills? Retirement savings? Or do you just really dislike the idea of spending that much on any given holiday?
My overall thought is that if your finances are separate, he isn't going into debt, and he enjoys spending the money, you can't stop him. If your finances are joint, then you have more say, up to and including separating your finances from one another. If he overspends and can't meet his end of financial obligations, then you need to take a serious look at whether you want to float him in retirement when his spending habits won't change but your financial resources are less. If this is an issue of jealousy because he will spend more on his kids than you will and feel comfortable, and there are no adverse side effects in the long run, then venting here is a good thing. You'll never want to give at the holidays the way he does, and he'll never want to give the way you do, so venting that frustration limits the tension of the holidays.
I realize now that this see a convoluted, so in short:
- If he can afford nice gifts for his kids and wants to spend the money, let him.
- If he can't afford it but spends it, and he won't listen to reason as to how this hurts you both, you need to take a serious look at how your financial life is going to be as financial resources dwindle in retirement.
- You two don't have to agree with how you handle Christmas, and neither is wrong so long as no one gets hurt financially in the process of celebrating.
Thanks for your objective
Thanks for your objective feedback. I wish I could get back to enjoying Christmas again instead of just seeing this as a big money grab. Christmas was a struggle throughout my entire adult life. I never received another dime from my parents after 18, including Christmas. I came to steptalk to vent my feelings of jealousy which have no place under the Christmas tree. I am grateful to you all for your support.
I don't want to make you feel
I don't want to make you feel worse, so if my feedback did that, I apologize. Christmas is a rough time of year for a lot of people, and for those who enjoy the season (like me), it's hard to reconcile why others wouldn't be overjoyed and ready to spend every last dime to make it perfect.
Your feelings are valid and your reality. There isn't anything wrong with them, and this is a good place to vent them. I just wanted to try and give a different perspective, so I really do apologize if I hit a nerve.
I don't feel bad. I
I don't feel bad. I appreciate all views in this matter. You've all given me something to think about.
All kids should get equal $
All kids should get equal $ in Christmas gifts. It’s not fair for one kid to get more. Your kids should get the same amount of money spent on his kids. Five kids $1000 then $200 per kid
Your kids should not be cheated so his daughter gets more
That would be nice, but this
That would be nice, but this is the life of a blended family where all children are not created equally lol.
That is what we do as well.
That is what we do as well. Nothing is joint. He spends what he wants, I spend what I want.
I don`t worry about his finances, he doesn't worry about mine - I don't worry about his bills, he doesn't worry about mine.
My kids have complained about stuff before... but I was quick to deal with that, with a "well if you`re going to be ungrateful for the gifts you DID get, let me take them back....."
They understand that fair doesn't mean equal. Fair is what's appropriate to each.
Wait, wait, wait. His
Wait, wait, wait.
His daughter calls with a Christmas list and he says 'yes' over the phone? Did I read that right?
When we were kids, we made 'Wish Lists' for Santa...with the unspoken understanding that they were suggestions and that we probably wouldn't get everything...or that Santa might decide to get us other stuff altogether. And my parents did Christmas pretty big.
Man. I can't understand the mentality of treating a 'Wish List' like a shopping list...
I agree. I guess he just
I agree. I guess he just wants to make sure they get exactly what they want.
We prepare gift baskets for
We prepare gift baskets for each Skid's and their families, or DH orders something sent to them, because they live in neighboring States.
After grown skids married and have families of their own, we cut back on all buying. I leave it up to DH to do, I don't do any buying for skids. My DH is frugal, therefore no big spending; but he does nice gift baskets. I think he spent about $100 on each family this year for a basket, which was sent to their homes, via supplier.
I used to do all the buying; I even made quilts, etc. They never really appreciated the work and love put into the gifts, so I turned it over to DH. My excuse "we need to cut back, they are adults now and have their own families. I would like for you to take it over, now that they lead their own lives." It worked with no fight.
Much easier and our spending stays within our boundaries.
I have become a Christmas
I have become a Christmas scrooge. DH and SD plan everybody's gifts, and DH continues to give gifts to his siblings and a niece and her family that he never sees or hears from. Ok, that's his family's tradition and not for me to change. He is impulsive and NOT frugal, but I do try to get him to stick to a budget. Some years are better than others.
And he bristles when I buy dog toys for my daughter's dogs. So, my 50 bucks is irritating, but his extra $500 isn't. His family traditions are ok, but mine aren't.
Big fat humbug.