Does she say this about her mom, too, i.e. "my mom got me this" or "this happened at my mom's house?"

As a SD I have to say that I did this on occasion too. Not to hurt my stepmother or stepdad, but because I didn't have to go into as much detail about the situation when conversing with someone. Also, a lot of married people have separate banking accounts. SD might know that, and perhaps doesn't know that you have a joint account. I could be wrong, but I don't think she's doing that to hurt you.

Would BM get mad at her if she sent stuff to you on your special occasions?

It's your DH's job to make sure she acknowledges you for your birthday, holidays, etc. She doesn't even have to do it when she's with her mom. He needs to have her wish you a happy birthday when she is at your home, and take her out to get you a nice card for your birthday, holidays, etc. SD's not acknowledging you is nobody's fault byt DH's. It's his job to be teaching her to acknowledge you and act grateful for what you do for her.

I think her lack of acknowledgment for you on your special occasions is something you need to address with DH. Tell him you don't expect her to send you cards or gifts when she's with BM but you do expect him to have her acknowledge you for your special events when she's with you guys.

My skids would make comments like that too. The truth of the matter is when they are here to visit it is to visit their Dad primarily. I am an additional figure and I try to be nice to them and we have a decent relationship. However, if Dad and I were to break up tomorrow and he was to get a new roomate it would still be their Dad that the visits are about. Now we do in the name of teaching manners remind them to thank both parties for gifts,etc.., and it is catching on but to them this is mostly about Dad and I'm really okay with it. When they talk about their Mom they say Mom's house not Mom and John's house. We expect polite and kind behavior all around for all parties but I really don't need to be on equal or even close to equal footing in their hearts and minds as their parents. They aren't my kids and in my heart and mind not close to what I feel for my kids either. When I tell people about my kids and I am talking about mine and skids are more of a footnote or something that comes after in the conversation.

They dont mean anything buy it. My skids refer to mine and my BF house as their dads. When they talk to people they said Im going to my dads they dont say Im going to my dads and his girlfriends house. He is the Bio parent so to them they refer to it as his. Im 26 and when i go see my dad I say Im going to my dads i dont say Im going to see my parents or Im going to visit my dad and his wife. I dont know why i do it its hard to explain. Trust me when i tell you they mean nothing hurtful by it. Is the BM remarried? If so dont they say i want to go to moms house?

My SSons were/are like this too. I think it's only natural. I used to get upset about it but then I realized I'm nothing to the boys, DH and BM are the rockstars in their life.

BUT my DH has always, always, always made/makes a point of correcting them and saying things like: "It's from BettyRay and Dad." or "You wouldn't have that if it was up to me. BettyRay got it for you."

I think that's key - having a DH that acknowledges you in front of the stepkids. To me it's more important that DH makes a big deal about what I do for my ssons. His correcting the boys shows me how special I am to him.

On a side note I did get into it with SS8 over something similar to this. When SS8 was over it was always "My Dad Said X, Y, and Z, BettyRay." or "Where's my DAD?" When he would talk to me. After 5-years of this I finally lost it one night and told SS8: "I don't care what YOUR DAD SAID it's my house too and he's NOT MY DAD, so he can't tell me what to do."

I haven't heard "MY DAD SAID" since.

Also after we got married ssons informed me that Fido (my dog that I brought into the relationship) was now a Smith, like them. I thought that was funny considering I kept my maiden name. They even got him a new tag that says "Fido Smith".

~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser

Join the club! It's the same thing here. It's either "MY Dad ________" or "MY mom" or more annoyingly,"Mommy says blah blah blah". I get no credit or appreciation from my SS10 for anything that I do yet I take care of him 99% of the time since he only sees his mother every other weekend. It sucks but hey, whatever....

my SD is like this too...but in all fairness when Dh was married to Sd's mom, Frizz would take SD shopping while Dh was at work...SD would show him the clothes and say, "mommy was so nice to buy me all those things." "daddy look what mommy bought me."

She'd never say thank you to Dh and it was HIS money they were using to shop bc BM didn't have a job. he corrected her though and still does to this day, "SD who do you think paid for that??? *I* DID!!"

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

Since I am actually the one that physically takes SD school clothes shopping, shopping for birthday presents for her friends, etc. And since DH and I have separate finances she is well aware that I am paying for these things for her and she is expected to be appropriately gracious (not that she always is). My father also includes her in lots of fun things that he does for my brother and I and our families like trips to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe and she knows that he is paying the way for these things. So since she has so many benefits from being a part of my family she makes sure to always thank both DH and I when she receives something and she always references our home and other issues as "My Mom and Dad." Yes she calls me "Mom" that's a story for another day.