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Not much progress made

MoominMama's picture

As you know we are on lock down (literally, locks on everything) because SS18 steals. We have, after exhausting all other ways of getting him stop this, finally gone to removing all internet access. He has to earn it back by showing that he really has changed and that he won't be helping himself anymore. Also involved in this is his bad attitude towards us and rudeness.

He thinks that after a couple of days, or a couple weeks we would give him the internet access back. But no, he cannot go 5 minutes..

Yesterday he came back from school and he thought I had gone downstairs, I was in our bedroom. He was hanging about around his bedroom door (which is next to our spare room/office). I just instinctively knew he was up to something. I saw him turning back from attempting to go in the spare room. He then gave up (or so I thought). There is nothing much in there apart from papers and our computers but they are on lock down too so he can't use them. I told DH when he got home that I thought SS was up to something.

This morning I went to open his bedroom window and saw on his shelf that he had some of our christmas labels (to/from etc) in his room. Those are kept in the spare room, so I assume that's what he was after, but why??  Why would you want christmas labels?

why did he not ask for them?  It's always the same, he just helps himself to anything he wants. I don't know if you can call this a form of stealing, personally I think it is especially as he has been told that he is to ask for things. He wants the internet back, resents us for taking it away despite that he was warned we would do that if he kept stealing (talking about money and other things), said 'you always find something, i'll never get the internet back!!'   then he does this. It's not like he just went and got the labels, he actually did it in a really sneaky way, hanging around until i wasn't there.

Looks like he's right about never getting it back.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Has he been in therapy? If he is to the point of stealing Christmas labels, either for the rush of stealing or to prove to you all that you will find "something", then he and you all need outside help. What is your plan once school is out and he doesn't have an 8-hour distraction each day? His behavior will likely escalate, but you don't have anything else to punish him with - but will likely punish yourselves more trying to punish him.

My guess is he is trying to push you to the point that you give in because eventually it will be easier to give him access than prevent him from stealing pens and spoons.

MoominMama's picture

Therapy is not part of the healthcare provision here and quite honestly i dont think it would stop him and theres no way we want to spend a cent more on him. The Bm does nothing. Sick of picking up the bill. I believe he is npd like the mother and they frequently lie and steal. Entitlement. 

ESMOD's picture

TBH, I think he needs therapy.  Why doesn't his father want him to have a chance to improve.   His actions may seem willful, but he may not have control that you think he does.  And yes.... it probably does seem that every action he does is wrong so why would he bother trying?

MoominMama's picture

Well i wrote that we didnt want to do therapy with him but afterwards i remembered that actually he HAS had therapy about 3 years ago for stealing associated sith another issue. It was useless as he tames no notice of anyone and has no conscience. 

We have been trying to help him and put in a lot of effort to help him sort this out but he keeps on. We are exhausted by it and i thi k we have done our bit, its up to him now. Only HE can change this. 

Ispofacto's picture

Is he graduating?  Time to kick his arse to the curb.  SD is a compulsive thief, and I want her out, but she is only 14.

MoominMama's picture

Still finishing school sadly and the autism card would be played against us. We are working on it though. 

Cooooookies's picture

Ugh autism is such a weird thing.  SS15 has high functioning autism...whatever that means.  He'd still sit in his poop if we weren't on him 24/7 so I don't see what's so high functioning about that.  Good luck to you - I know how frustrating it can be.

MoominMama's picture

Thanks. It is indeed just as challenging to be around a high functioning AS person as any other special needs in my opinion. I thought it would be autism lite but now i dont believe that exists. 

Having said that i really think theres more than just the AS going on. Lying and stealing are not typical of AS.

In the beginning he was with BM eowe and half of holidays so in my naive mind i thought it would stay that way.  BM bowed out and we are left to deal with it all. 

Iamwoman's picture

He is oppositional, and looking for that negative reaction.

The best thing you and DH can do is quietly take back whatever he steals, and don’t say a word to SS. BUT do keep a written list of everything you’ve had to retrieve from his thieves’ nest. Then, you still don’t say a word, but wait until SS asks/demands for the internet back, then read off your list and say “Now, if you were me, would you give your son internet access back?” (Of course he will say “yes” just to be oppositional, but then you refer to the old “my house my rules” line).

MoominMama's picture

This is good and we are keeping records of it but... He would never demand it back just be mealy mouthed , resentful and negative about it. You see, nothing is ever his fault, he feels entitled to take and has no conscience. He never says sorry unless told to, it just isnt in him to be sorry. He is only ever sorry for himself that he was caught.

How do you teach some one this? We have tried everything over the last 8-10 years and nothing changes. I now don't believe it ever will. 

Harry's picture

You are playing games with yourselves, He will never change, for what ever reason that the way he is.  All your list dose is wast paper.  He will never be able to live on his own, as get a job pay rent.  He should be on some type government assistance.   It’s your choice to move him into some type of place where he can live. Group home   Or live this way the rest of your life.  Or leave 

MoominMama's picture

They dont do that here. He doesnt qualify for anything as he is high functioning and actually his autism would not stop him working and he iz capable of living independently. If only there were somewhere he could go in a home etc... Its certainly not 'our choice'. If only it were..