Unrestricted phone access in New York- anyone know definitively if...
...we can- without breaking any laws- have the boys speak to BM on speaker so that her alienation, interrogation, and bullying can be monitored? She has lost the privilege of calling on our land line because she was leaving messages that were inappropriate and intrusive to leave in a house where four children live, so we have asked that she only call on DH's cell.
Last night, one of the boys was speaking with her and DH walked into the room. SS6 said to her, "I can't talk now." Ummmm- the time has come to DO SOMETHING about this. If he's not bursting into tears at her questioning, he's now telling her he "can't talk" because his father is in the room! Also, a couple weeks ago, DH heard her (not on speaker- she is very loud) telling same SS over the phone that she would call the police if they called me {the name they made up to call me} again. This is some messed-up stuff that she is doing by phone, and as it is a realm of control for her because she has "unrestricted phone access" in their agreement, she has made sure to make the most of it.
Court is coming up. So eager for this to all come to light!
Thank you in advance.
MJL
- MJL2010's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Would it be possible to get a
Would it be possible to get a counsellor to chat with the kids and see what negative impacts there are? I believe that you asking the kids for information is as problematic as the alienation. Maybe the judge will order counselling if you present cause for concern?
You just know there will be denial on BM's part, and that will devastate the kids too because they will not want to betray their mother, how about just set up a tape recorder for conversations?
I think that I would be limiting time on calls, not frequency, that would cause problems if it's a CO thing. By limiting time, this is manipulative too but for the long term good, you will see the kids become discouraged when they want to tell her all about their day and she is just seeking information from them. The kids might see it quicker for themeselves that way? If the kids are minors then they really do NOT have the right to privacy on YOUR phone line. I think I would be looking into rights and laws and legislations a little more closely? A doctor, no less, told our girl that she lives in a 'benevolent dictatorship' at one point when she was bitching about us...I had to laugh!
I would think that
I would think that speakerphone would be considered a restriction. I think that children should have the right to speak with either parent privately.
I understand your concerns; however, I believe that requiring the parental conversations to be monitored by you is a form of PAS.
But when we're talking
But when we're talking defense? She is alienating them by interrogating them and making them feel that they cannot speak to her- reply to her questioning- with their father folding laundry in the same room. She is alienating by making them cry when they are on the phone with her. She is alienating and crippling them by using them as pawns in this game that no one wins. If her vile PAS is curtailed by being on speaker, that would be better for the boys. Honestly, what does anyone have to say to a six-year-old that needs to be said privately? "Good morning. How did you sleep? Have a great day at school. I love you."; and "Hi honey! How was your day at school? Have a good night's sleep. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you!".
I guess, though, that we absolutely should pursue this legally. Thank you for slowing us down by helping us see another side of the issue, from a potential court POV.
Wow- interesting- I never
Wow- interesting- I never knew that "unrestricted access" was not standard in every CO! I do know a couple things though:
-BM has lost the privilege of using our land line, like I said, because of her lack of filter re: appropriate messages to leave; also, she will ring several times in a row if they don't pick up on first ring (Draco, yes!! I totally agree- she wants desperately to interrupt the "flow" because of her need for control-she called eight times in the span of thirteen minutes last night, not an unusual occurrence- while DH calls once when the boys are with her, leaves a message, and waits for them to call him back- and if they don't, he doesn't lose his mind). She calls twice a day.
-She should not be saying anything to them that would not be ok for others to hear. Her demand for privacy shows that she absolutely has something to hide. On the occasion that I speak with my kids while they're with their dad (I don't want to interrupt the good time they're having with their dad, and it's rare that he has them for long periods of time. He and I have a great relationship, though. Anyway, my kids use speaker when they call me from his cell as we don't want them holding the phone to their ears. I speak with them with ex-H, his parents, his girlfriend and her little girl within earshot. Not a big deal, because I have nothing to hide. BM-another story!
-Yes, great idea Ripley. I think I will speak to our attorney about it. I know that recording them without one party knowing they're being recorded- even in the case of minors- is illegal. Already asked him about that, several weeks ago.
-Giveitago, we are not asking for information. They offer it. It's really sad.
-HR, your last question is a whole other thread! Again, really really sad. This could all be so so so so easy (if all of us had a nickel for every time we've said that, just imagine!)
Thank you all for your responses and ideas. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Maybe I should clarify, the
Maybe I should clarify, the PAS thing is the biggest problem, right? The kids volunteering informations is a given, kids blurt stuff out. I suggested expressing your concerns to the court and maybe seeking counselling for the alienation, a counsellor would be able to speak with the kids and distinguish what is wrong and report back to the courts, rather than you dealing with it on your own. A child crying after a conversation with his mother could be construed that he misses her, or construed any way BM wants it to be spun! I would express concerns to official bodies, since the court ordered unrestricted access they might be able to place restrictions on her. That way she has to be in compliance and the kids are not so stressed out by her calls.
Ah- I understand- you are
Ah- I understand- you are right. We have opportunitities coming up where we'll be able to bring this all out to a professional who is qualified to ask the kids questions in the right way- DH just needs to make sure that the guy has a clear understanding of what's going on, so that he can ask the right questions. Thank you for explaining, Giveitago.
In the meantime, back to documentation of every detail....