First time at a "family" function where BM will be there - any advice from those who have been there??
In a few weekends, BM and I will be at a bridal shower together at a restaurant - it is the FIRST EVER function we have ever been to (literally having to be in the same enclosed room) at the same time. The bridal shower is being thrown for SS26's fiancee'. Her mother & BM sent me an invitation, which I hesitantly accepted (after discussing with BF and him feeling that I "belong" there for his son's sake).
Background: I don't have ANY relationship with BM, other than cordial "hi" or a wave when the skids are dropped off. However, BM has tried to wreak havoc on my relationship with BF for the entire 6 yrs we've been together. She's the typical BM that most of us write about here - VERY fake, selfish, narcissistic, wants everyone to think she's MOTY, entitled, lazy, dependent upon everyone else but herself to fix her problems in life, promiscous, etc.... She has been nothing but a spiteful control freak, major PASinator with skids (SD15 & SS12) since the beginning.
My concern is: how have you handled being at your FIRST function in the same room with your BM??
A little more background: SS26 is actually BM's biological son from when she was 17 - my BF is NOT his biological father. BF legally adopted SS26 when he married BM (SS was only about 8 yrs old at the time). My BF has raised SS26 as his own son (financially, emotionally, etc...) since he met BM (when SS was about 2). My BF has always been in SS26's life, always taken care of him, provided him with a good home, security, stability and has been an amazing father to him, so on and so forth.
SS26 has basically been spoiled by BM his entire life - lazy, often unemployed, entitled, etc... JUST.LIKE.HIS.MOTHER. When BM & my BF were getting divorced 7 years ago, SS basically "sided" with his mother as if my BF was a total stranger and SS26 actually signed Affidavits containing false allegations against BF (ridiculous, dramatized BM crap) that BM tried to use against my BF during the divorce. Luckily after 2 yrs of divorce battles, my BF was eventually found to be the innocent victim and cleared of all the crap.
SS26 has basically treated my BF more or less like crap ever since I've known my BF. He only calls or comes around (very rare) when he wants something from my BF - and almost always it is MONEY. My BF has already spent over $2,000 on this ungrateful guy - including 1/2 the cost of his honeymoon (a week long cruise), his tux for the wedding, the cost of a plane ticket & hotel for a "pre-wedding vacation" that he took his son on, etc... I could go on and on. BF has also agreed to pay 50% of the cost of the rehearsal dinner (which supposedly BM has agreed to pay the other half - yeah, right, I'll believe that when I see it. I won't hold my breath.)
I've written about SS26 on a previous blog before, so I'm sorry that this got so long.
I already know that I'm going to just go to the bridal shower and put a smile on my face and have a GREAT time - but I doubt I'll torture myself in BM's presence for more than a few hours. Who knows, she probably just sent me an invitation to be "nice" in the first place, thinking that maybe I'd decline, and now she's nervous that I'll actually be there!! I AM ONLY GOING TO THIS BRIDAL SHOWER FOR THE SAKE OF SS26'S FIANCEE' (who I actually feel very, very sorry for in that she's marrying a loser and there's nothing I can do to prevent it), who is very sweet and we get along great.
I wish I could be my "old" positive self, thinking "can't we all just get along" and "let's be friends", but in reality, I don't have any pipe dreams like that for this event - all of us sitting around singing "Kumbaya" won't be happening. I know what BM is all about. Everything she does has an ulterior motive - and I mean EVERYTHING.
I already know that I will be my gracious, kind self when I'm at the shower - I will act with the highest of class and dignity. I won't change who I am just because BM is there. She will have absolutely NO effect on me, whatsoever. I NEVER let her see me sweat (the very few times I've even felt that way). That will KILL her. She LOVES drama, conflict, passive-aggressiveness, etc...
YOU ALL KNOW THE TYPE.
Anyone care to share their experiences/advice with me on this? Of course, any funny comments (stories of things that made the BM look like an idiot) would be welcomed, too. LOL. 
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Comments
Well, I avoided SD's baby
Well, I avoided SD's baby shower (the lion's den of BM and SD family, friends) by moving 1000 miles....but we did attend the baptism. Spent my time doing photos, was better to have a 'job.'
I kept my distance from BM, didn't even say more than hi at the after party at her house, where she had her b***** friend as her support group. That woman, who basically riled up BM during the divorce--and after--which led to BM trying to mess up agreements, etc. in HER OWN favor, (she is so dumb) is at every FAMILY function. I can hear it, "DH and LizzieA are going to be at the party, please be there." Inote: BM divorced DH).
LizzieA - you just mentioned
LizzieA - you just mentioned a point that I forgot to raise.
BM will have her own "lion's den" (and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that term you used to describe it) with this bridal shower. All of BM's family - her mom, cousins, plus BM's friends...and to top it all off, 2 of BF's former sisters-in-law (BF's 2 brothers' ex-wives that BM is still good friends with - the 3 of them are like the "First Wives Club" which I was never a part of since I'm not divorced) will all be in attendance!! And they are, LITERALLY, a bunch of miserable hags who feed off each other's misery. Can you say ROAR (lion's den)?!?!
All the while, Milomom will remain cool, calm and collected - cool as a cucumber - and that will absolutely KILL all of these women!! hee hee hee }:) }:)
For you see, I have more maturity, more education, more of all of the GOOD things in my life (good heart, good work ethic, independent, etc...) than ALL of these women COMBINED!! Plus, I have BF's love and devotion, and I help BF raise his kids 50% of the time...with a smile.
This should be interesting....
Hoot! Hoot! Bring on the
Hoot! Hoot! Bring on the cleavage and the glowing attitude of a well-loved woman...the hags will implode. I went through the same thing with DH's 3 sisters--the ringleader sided with BM after telling DH for years to get a divorce! (she is long divorced and bitter) The other 2 also tried to make our lives miserable for a couple of years after we got married. Thankfully, that has all died down now. They all treat me with civility, not that I care...but it wasn't fun.
You sound like you already
You sound like you already have a great attitude and game plan! I know your BM is horrible, but it sounds like she is a lot better than some would be in the same situation (for example, my BM would eat her own foot before inviting me to anything and I would eat my own vomit before I would accept an invitation from her). I think your plan is great! Hold your head up high, have fun, be civil with the BM, but avoid her and enjoy yourself as much as possible (a little liquid courage always helps!).
I have an outright hostile relationship with my BM and we have a history of horrible and petty fights from the past. I don't waste my time with her now, but we definitely have our bad history. She is never invited to family events on H's side of the family so I don't have to worry about that and I know we will have to attend the same events when the skids graduate, get married etc...
So far, we have had to go to the same events, like school plays, elementary graduations etc...but they have always been fine. My BM is a card carrying psycho with no self esteem and it still hasn't been much of a problem. It's never been a walk in the park either, but I think that if I can have successful shared events with my BM, anyone can! And yours sounds like she is at least aware of societal mores and isn't likely to make a scene or anything overly embarrassing.
The way I've handled having to co-attend events with BM is to completely ignore her and focus on why i'm there (the kids, usually) and enjoy spending time with my husband and seeing and chatting with friends. The first time we had to attend a school musical that BM was going to, I was REALLY nervous and anxious. She got there first and was actually so shocked that I was there that she turned dark purple with rage and had to go to the bathroom and came out looking like she had been crying. We had been married for about six months and she was still wearing the ring H gave her when SS5 was born on her ring finger and telling people that she and H would end up together eventually. We had the skids and they ran over to say hi to their mom and then they came back to us and said that BM had saved a seat for H right next to her!!! (they were not on good terms at all and in their last conversation she called me a "fucking bitch" to H before hanging up on him!). She has a serious delusional denial problem and then got more upset because SS12 didn't want to sit with her and sat next to me instead. She had two empty seats sitting next to her and was sitting there alone, miserable, with a bright red, tear streaked face. Unluckily we wound up getting the only seats available together which were two aisles back from her and she turned around twice and gave me the nastiest, bitchiest looks possible and other than that sat there alone looking like a totally pathetic reject. She is so rude and bitchy that she hasn't made friends with any of the other parents and so she had no one to talk to. Once the show started, she sat there with her almost hunch back crouched over and was holding herself really tensely and had her hair over-gelled into a crunchy looking hair helmet. She had slathered on heavy taupe eye shadow (up to the eyebrows!) and had clumpy mascara that was smeared under her eyes. Her face was blotchy and her gross crooked, bucked teeth had bits of black stuff in them. Ugh, so gross. If she had just been normal and been there for her son and enjoyed the concert, she wouldn't have been so miserable and bitter. I was so pissed at her for things she had recently done that I thoroughly enjoyed her misery (something i'm not proud of) but after a couple minutes of disgust and anger, I decided that I wasn't going to let her ruin my evening and just focused on the concert and cheering my SS on. H and I had a great time and got lots of good pictures and videos and then had fun chatting with the other parents afterwards. BM was in a rage after the show and told SS5 that his hair looked bad on stage (because I styled it, she was willing to hurt a five year olds feelings) and she was mad at him because he waved to us, but not to her. She is so selfish that she would rather try to get to me and hurt her own kids feelings than put them first and swallow her nasty comments.
She was so upset and is completely impulsive and says things in anger with no thought to the consequences (classic BPD) and so at the after party, she stood about five feet away from us awkwardly and kept saying rude things about me in a loud voice to the kids, obviously trying to get to me. At that point, she was making such a fool of herself and looking so awkward and pathetic that I thought it was funny and H and I were cracking up. We just ignored her after that and she ended up screaming at the kids in front of the daycare owner (who was pretty shocked) and both of the skids were in tears by the time they left with her (we were exchanging them at the show). Basically, she couldn't control herself and be mature and wound up making a huge ass of herself and upsetting her kids. We felt really bad for the kids, but other than that we thought it was funny and I haven't been nervous about a co-event since then. Subsequently we have had to attend many things together and after her first embarrassing (to her) show, she gave up most of the drama and now just looks bitter and like she has something sour in her mouth, but doesn't attempt to publicly attack or humiliate me or H in public anymore. At PTA meetings and Parent/Teacher conferences and our special ed. meetings, I have even had to sit right next to her and my policy is to completely ignore her and be aloof and polite. I act like she is a stranger and just don't interact with her at all. I end up having a good time and get to be involved and she looks like she swallowed a turd and always has a miserable time. Her choice to be miserable is her choice. My choice is to enjoy the moment and focus on why I am there. At these events, I do everything I can to put her out of my mind and focus on the skids or their teachers or other parents that we are friends with.
I don't really have any funny stories, but I think you are on the right track and have a wonderful attitude that will get you through this. The thought of it is way scarier than the actual event will be. I would recommend that you focus on your SS's fiance, because it sounds like she is very sweet and you guys already have a great relationship. Enjoy going to a fun event and focus on the people you like and meeting new people and just having a good time. Be polite to BM, but don't feel that you have to buddy up to her or chat or anything. I would just keep my distance, hold your head up high and have fun!
Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!
NEVER had to yet. I know
NEVER had to yet. I know there might be a day, but girl, go. Go and laugh and have fun and pay absolutely no attention to BM. Laugh harder than you normally do, so she won't think she has any effect over your ability to have a good time even if she is there. She would love nothing more than to see that she makes you uncomfortable. I guarantee it.
Your BF adopted this boy when
Your BF adopted this boy when he was 8, so he is the boy's father. Adopted kids are not "less" kids than biological ones. But you only came into the son's life after he was pretty much grown (19?). I think you can go or not go to this party as you please, and your role is in no way competitive with the BM. You are the boy's father's girlfriend, there to have a good time, be pleasant, smile, etc. Release and let go any ideas that they have any control over you that can make you feel bad.