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Bday party for SGD6

SMto2's picture

Since I last blogged, my hubby and I purchased the lake house I mentioned and have been working to get settled in (taking forever since we're only there on weekends.) This past weekend, we had our first gathering, a small birthday party for SGD6. Unlike prior parties, DH was heavily involved. He communicated with SS26 about the party and ordered and wrapped all the gifts. Unlike prior years, I bought no elaborate decorations, custom birthday banner, etc. My contribution was ordering a partially decorated cake that I then added a couple toys to and ordering pizza for delivery. This was the first time we've seen SS26 & family since the beach trip in July, and I believe the first communication since then was DH reaching out about the party. 

The party went well. SS26 and SDIL seemed fine, and SS25 and his wife also came. Everyone was cordial. There were no dishes or anything that required "help," so no issues there. There was lots of talk about plans for all of them to visit frequently, including Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, and of course, during boating season next year. 

The only thing that has bugged me since the party is that, while SS26 made two posts on social media of SGD6's party at BM's the day before, he posted nothing about our party. (You may recall SS26 only posted pics of him, SDIL & SGDs at the beach trip with us we paid for and no mention of DH, our bios or me.) DH continues to think, with BM now on social media, SS26 is "afraid" of posting anything related to DH for fear of seeming "disloyal" to BM. I did note that SS26's wife DID post some pics from our bday party on social media--no pics of us or mentioning us, of course--and BM did not "like" it, even though she's liked every other post by SDIL with pics of the SGDs, which seems telling. I also posted pics from the party on my social media and neither SS26 nor SS25 liked it (I feel sure they have a setting that they don't see my posts.)

Part of me wants to feel sorry for SS26 if he does suffer from fear of upsetting BM. Part of me is angry that we apparently mean so little. And another part of me says it's petty to worry about a post (or lack thereof) on social media. However, I think the lack of post on social media almost certainly means something about how SS26 feels about us/the situation. It seems clear he doesn't care if DH feels appreciated. (And we spent about $300 on gifts, plus gave SGD6 $50 cash, so it wasn't some token amount.)

I'm curious if any of you think this is no big deal and I should put it out of my mind and be happy the visit went ok, or do you think I should feel offended and do even less next time? I'm trying to be an adult about this and just feeling very conflicted.


Survivingstephell's picture

Why bother?  I hope your finances are set up that you don't lose out with money going to entertain a bunch grown brats.  

As for the future boating plans, better have a plan in place that's sets out expectations that might stop them from coming.  Not that you have to share them now or with DH but have them figured out in your head so you are prepared. You know what they hate so start there.  IMO.   A best defense is a great offense.  


SMto2's picture

My DH and I are pretty much on the same page about how we spend our money. The only good thing is that he's painfully aware of how superficial the relationship is, so he's not going out of his way to give them money. We will have to see how it goes as to how often SSs want to visit the lake house. I doubt they'll want to be there with us every weekend (heck, they didn't want to visit EOW when they were court-ordered to do so!) and I'm sure DH and I will talk about this if it becomes a problem. We have agreed that the SSs will NEVER be there without us there.

ndc's picture

I think anything you do beyond nothing is too much for these ingrates. They're only interested in what they can use you for - such as gifts, vacations and your lake house during boating season.

If your DH wants to be used by them, since it's likely that's the only contact he'll ever have with them, so be it. In your shoes I would do nothing - not even ordering cake and pizza - and I would be very careful that DH wasn't issuing blanket invitations to your lake house. It is so apparent that their interest in DH is solely in what he can give them. I would be livid to see my DH settling for such crumbs from his children.

SMto2's picture

My DH is a good person who doesn't want the pain or the shame of being estranged from SSs (he suffered from both during the SSs' teenage years.) I've resolved to let him do what he feels he needs to do. He understands BM will always be the queen and he's nothing to them. He truly believes it's only that way because they don't want to make BM upset, and I can't say. I have just cut WAY back and will continue to do so. It definitely helps me to talk these things out here.





JRI's picture

I choose not to be on social media but I'm pretty sure our SKs would seldom, if ever, post pictures of us.  Who cares.  They consider us peripheral people in their lives which is correct since their spouses and kids come first.  When BM was alive in the pre-Facebook days, there were pictures of her displayed in their homes but none of us although we raised them.  Whatever.

It sounds like you and DH are on the same page pretty much.  Im glad you scaled back your involvement and its fine, the party went well without it and you have less resentment.  You understand that DH still wants to maintain contact with the SKs altho its pretty one-sided.  If my kids were like that, I'd probably be doing the same.  If he can afford it, and it sounds like he can, let him do his thing.

The important thing is to keep to the boundaries you've agreed to since you can't trust the SKs not to take advantage.  Good luck. 

SMto2's picture

Yes,  I'm convinced doing less is key. And it's also part of having boundaries, which I definitely plan to maintain. Just makes me sad to know it has to be that way.

Harry's picture

That SS's don't care about you or DH.  Whit that you should emotionally disengage from them.  You are not going to get any reconciliation from them.   So you should only do what you feel comfortable with them.  Pizza, paper plates , some toys great party.   As vacation with them ?  Just say NO.

You are not going to spend  thousand of $ on them .  You are not going to be there maid . 

SMto2's picture

Exactly.Yes, as tough as it is to accept, I do understand they don't care about me. And no, I won't be their maid ever again nor will we put out they kind of $ for vacation on them. Bonus points for the fact that our lake house is less than an hour and a half from our house, so if things go too badly during any visit, I can get in my vehicle and go home. Lol. 

CLove's picture

social media can be a b!tch.
These skids are not going to change. Your wonderful Lake House doesnt deserve them, definitely limit their time there...

Yes it is very sad that the BM has won their hearts, and dadee continues to have to cater to them.

My DH - once he saw the lying, theiving mooch his precious feral kid became, he will not fork over money any longer.

Sd14 Munchkin is getting pretty much to the point of going to the shallow end of the gene pool now too. Shes getting pretty comfortable putting her hands out to "get things".

How frustrating for you!

SMto2's picture

It must be so liberating to have a DH take a stand and refuse to be taken advantage of! It's sad but true that these people don't change. 

Iamwoman's picture

I would not invite them back, but it sounds like your DH and you have made the opposite decision for DH's mental benefit only.

The social media snub will be a common thing, so regardless of whether it's petty or not... it really is best to not give a damn.

SMto2's picture

Yes, I'm sure DH will invite them back. I'm mad at myself because I keep telling myself I'm not going to post anything on social media again involving them, and then I go posting pics of SGD6's party, only to have THAT post snubbed by SSs. I'm a glutton for punishment. Lol. 

StrawberryPie's picture

I think this is big progress on your and your DH's part!!  The social media thing is hurtful and a nuisance but unlikely to change (my now alienated SD18 never posted with us or acknowledged we existed).  Maybe easiest thing would be to hide / mute / block them. Then you dont have to even have a window into that ugliness.

SMto2's picture

Thank you for the encouragement that this is progress, and thanks for the validation that I'm not being petty, but have a valid reason for my feelings to be hurt. You're right that I need to stop seeing the social media posts because they do nothing but make me hurt and angry.

StrawberryPie's picture

Or I guess the other way to look at it is that it's a transactional relationship.  You give, they receive.  That's the dynamic.  Them appreciating or acknowledging your kindness, time with them, or relationship would require the transaction to flow a different way which isn't going to happen.

It's sad, but kids can grow up to be lousy adults.

SMto2's picture

StrawberryPie, Perfect description, but it's a transaction in which we get nothing in return. (Unless you count the joy of giving to people who are ungrateful and snub us! Lol.) 



Tried out's picture


thinkthrice's picture

I'm glad Chef decided not to participate in a one way relationship with his brats after they demonstrated that the Girhippo and her clan were dieties and that we were less than dirt.

I don't how you can do it nor your DH attending all that Kabuki theatre.

SMto2's picture

You are so lucky!  I'm just going to have to find a way to distance myself and stop pretending these people care about me or are family, when they truly do not and are not.

JRI's picture

I was thinking about your SKs and the lakehouse.  Ideally, you would invite them, they'd come, then leave and all would have a good time.  But I have an evil vision of them thinking, "Oh, good, dad has a lakehouse for us now!  Let's invite some friends and go there!"  Without you and DH.  I would hate to see your generosity get abused.

SMto2's picture

I loved that movie! Also, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and "Risky Business"-- I grew up in the 80's and know all about that. Lol.

Winterglow's picture

I must admit that I was thinking the same thing. OP, please ensure that they never, ever get keys to it. Some security cameras would be a good idea too, just in case they decide to force the locks ... and if they do, call the cops immediately!

SMto2's picture

I've been trying to reply since yesterday and kept getting an error message! Just wanted to say,  no worries, as our lake house is in a gated community and SKs do not and will not have a pass to get in! They have to call from the gate to be let in like other visitors, so no chance of them sneaking in a little fun while we're not there! Lol. DH and I agree that none of the adult "kids" will be allowed there without us, so if they want to visit, they'll be stuck with us, which should curtail the number of visits. Lol.