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We went to SS23's wedding reception!

SMto2's picture

So DH, our DS12 and I attended SS23's costume party/wedding reception. (Other than our DS18, who's away at college, NO ONE else in DH's family was invited, including DH's mom and step-dad.)  My and DH's DS12 decided to dress up as Batman, so my DH decided to be "Alfred the Butler," so he could basically wear a suit. lol. They convinced me to match them by dressing up as a female Robin, so I wore a dress, tights, bodysuit and tall boots. It was a simple costume, not attention-getting in any way, and I think was tasteful yet cute. When we walked in, BM was sitting at a table just inside the door with her parents, her DD (SSs' 1/2 sister) and the DD's boyfriend. (Curiously, BM's DH was NOT present.)  Oldest SS25 and his girls, SGD5, SGD6 were standing at BM's table.(SS25's DW had to work.)  BM did not speak to us or acknowledge our presence and immediately got up and went to the bathroom, where I learned SS23's DW was getting ready. We said hello to SS25 and the SGDs, who hugged us and were pleasant. BM's dad shook my DH's hand, first time he's acknowledged him in 20 years, so that was a decent start. The groom, SS23, came over and talked with us a few minutes. 

After that, DH, DS12 and I found ourselves standing alone and went and sat at a table across the room, where we spent the next 2 hours, just the 3 of us. During the rest of the entire evening, SS25 (the one we've taken to the beach with his family all expense paid to the tune of $15K the past 3 summers) stuck like glue to BM's table (never mind he hadn't seen DH since the beach trip in July and he sees BM and her family every weekend,) The SGDs took turns sitting on BM's lap. Never once did they come over to our table.  It was painfully obvious we were strangers and outliers there. Curiously, the others at our table (there was no assigned seating) turned out to be SS23's new wife's grandparents and aunts, who were extremely friendly towards us when they learned who we were, as was SS23's DW's mom, who hosted the reception. We plastered smiles on our faces for the night and even politely clapped for BM and SS23's "mother-son" dance. At one point, SS25 was dancing with SGDs 5 and 6, and I urged DH to go dance with them. He hesitated but went, and it was very sweet watching him twirl SGD5 around, so that was the high point of the night, and he was glad he did. After that, BM took both SGDs out on the dance floor and began line dancing. As they began their second song and we realized that was going to be going on for a while, we decided to leave, since we'd stayed over 2 hours and had a 2 hour drive home.  We went over and said our good-byes to SS23 then SS25 and walked out. The chilly air outside felt better than the reception we had there. lol. However, we were relieved we made it through the snake pit!

The best thing about the evening, as I have processed the events in my mind over the past week, is that it was a GREAT reminder of how little we mean to SSs and SGDs. It reminded me that I am NOT SSs' mother (not even close!), I am NOT SGDs' grandmother, and, while they're all happy to let me (and DH) spend tons of money on them, they don't really care about us. That was exactly what I needed to remind me why I decided to disengage and no longer spend my hard-earned money and precious time on them any more than I absolutely have to (or for any reason other than choosing to do something to make DH happy.) Although it was sad to experience it and confront the reality I already knew, it has been liberating. And I'm going to keep this in mind every time a consideration of giving $ to them or going out of my way for them comes up. BTW, we gave SS23 and his new wife $1K as a wedding gift. Totally my DH's decision, and he wrote the check, which was fine. DH's goal was to make sure SS23 could never say he didn't attend, so we accomplished that.


ndc's picture

Two questions.

1.  Did DH also realize that you'd been treated like distant cousins?  Do you think it will change his behavior towards his kids, or will you (I mean he) be spending a fortune taking SS25 and his family on vacation soon?

2.  What costume did BM wear?

SMto2's picture

Good questions! 

1) I don't think DH thought of it that way, honestly. He obviously realized how we were treated, but he believes SSs had no real "choice" because of the loyalty demanded by BM's "clan." He understands that both SSs were subjected to heavy PAS and that there's still huge pressure for BM and her family to be favored, so I think he attributes it to that. I feel like the SSs are adults now and should have sense to act better. As for SGDs, I think they just are MUCH closer to BM because they lived with her and/or near her for many years and still see her almost every weekend, stay at her house, etc.  

2) BM was dressed in a medieval princess costume, complete with crown and honestly, looked pretty. and tasteful. (No, she didn't dress like the trashy hoe she was when married to DH! lol!) She has always been extremely attractive (on the outside!) which is what attracted DH to her. I had also purchased a very similar medieval costume (although I hadn't planned to wear a crown!) but it was way too long, and I was sooooo glad I didn't wear it, as one of my biggest fears was that I would wear the same costume as BM! lol! I was happy to match my little family and be our own "herd."  

notarelative's picture

As for SGDs, I think they just are MUCH closer to BM because they lived with her and/or near her for many years and still see her almost every weekend, stay at her house, etc.  

Proximity definitely makes a difference. My oldest was my parents only grandchild. He saw them often and my parents would sit for us. He was grandchild number 29 for my MIL. While my oldest saw her frequently, it was not as often as my parents and as part of the pack of grandchildren at family events, it was easy to be overlooked.  Reality is one is special. One of 29 is loved, but not worshiped. 

At oldest second birthday both grandmoms were there. Oldest was sticking to my mom like glue. She kept trying to push him toward his other grandmother. My mom was upset. Other grandmother wasn't.

Glad DH went onto the dance floor with his GD. She's old enough to remember the dance.

SMto2's picture

Yes. I definitely get that. My own DSs 18 and 12 are my mom's only grandchildren, while DH's mom has over a dozen grandchildren. I, of course, have no other grandchildren besides SGDs 5 and 6, but we live 3 hours away from them. We see them a few times a year. They live an hour or so from BM and visit almost every weekend, and for years prior to that, lived in her town, some of which was WITH her, so I get it. It's funny because when we're with SGDs, like on vacation, they do act like they like me a lot, and I'm sure they do, but they just like BM better, and that's absolutely FINE. I just need to protect my heart and not go too far out of my way for them like I would REAL granddaughters, who would love ME.

Harry's picture

And disengage.  As last paid for vacation to anywhere. For SS 25. The ATM is closed.  Actually the ATM is closed for all of them.  Maybe  $25 gift card

SMto2's picture

Yep, I'm sure BM can give them anything they need. Unfortunately, she no longer has DH's exorbitant CS to make her the super hero! LOL!

tog redux's picture

I think it's good that you were invited and good that you went. I'm hopeful that SS23's wife may be the one who breaks the ice.

I do think DH should stop trying to buy them, but still maintain contact as best he can.

MurphysLaw's picture

Your costumes sound super cute! I think it's cool y'all were a matching set! Smile

Hard to believe that your husband's mother was not invited (assuming she lives within driving distance & is in good enough health to attend). 

Sounds like it was a tolerable time but not a group you would want to spend every weekend with.

SMto2's picture

Yes, my DH's mom lives 3 hours away and was very hurt not to be invited. So was DH's older sister, who sent them a gift anyway, because she's just that nice!  And yes, my DH and I are both lawyers (55 years combined!), so we're VERY familiar with social graces and pretending that everything is just lovely when we want to stick a fork in our eyes! ha ha ha!

Sandybeaches's picture

Is a great way to not feel uncomfortable.  It sounds like this reception was very laid back.

Question??  What was the wedding like?  Did it take place before this party? during it? Or at another time and I missed a post?

SMto2's picture

The wedding was back in March at the courthouse. We found out about it after the fact. We're not sure who was there. They finally decided to have a reception 7 months later with mostly their friends and some family, mostly SS23's new wife's family. (Her mother paid for the reception, as far as I know.)

SMto2's picture

YESSS! We realize that. lol. It was a great relief to walk out of there and no one in handcuffs or going to the ER. ha ha ha!